Failing Motherhood

How to Get on the Same Page

March 08, 2022 Danielle Bettmann | Wholeheartedly Episode 61
Failing Motherhood
How to Get on the Same Page
Show Notes Transcript

New to gentle parenting and your partner is not on board?
Argue about parenting often?
Maybe one (or both) of you have a temper?

You're not alone!

This episode is for you.

I'm breaking down 3 reasons you're not aligned + parenting as a TEAM, and 3 things you can do to change this dynamic ASAP!

https://www.parentingwholeheartedly.com/blog/samepage

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Danielle Bettmann:

Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood I mean? Too much anxiety. Not enough patience. Too much yelling, not enough play. There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right. This is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you. You feel like you're screwing everything up, and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud.... This podcast is for you. This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann. And each week, we'll chat with a mom ready to be real. Sharing her insecurities, her fears, your failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough. And you're not alone. I hope you pop in earbuds, somehow sneak away and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend, we're so glad you're here. Hey, it's Danielle, bonus episode. I'm so excited. I know So this episode is going to be just me. And I'm just gonna talk you are too because you're like what is happening, it's the other opposite Tuesday. I know, get excited. for a minute about getting on the same page. Because this is kind of like a superpower that I have of working with both partners in a parenting relationship and just really being able to create an all new foundation. And it's really important, it really undermines everything you're trying to do if the other spouse or partner is not there with you in it together. So we're gonna dive into that. Before I do, I have one spoiler, one little tiny announcement thing that you might be interested in. So... Wholeheartedly Calm. If you've been a listener to the podcast for any amount of time, you may have heard that I have a super awesome group that is called Wholeheartedly Calm. It's 11 weeks to parent your strong willed kid with more patience. It's super dialed in short audio trainings, and a printed and shipped workbook that we go through for 11 weeks. And then everything goes live on Mondays. And then we have calls on Thursdays. And the live calls are all just q&a, learning from everybody sharing ideas. Super, super, super fun group is wrapping up this month. So the next round is getting ready to launch. And I am going to kind of do what I did in the fall where I opened it for just Black Friday at a special rate and then it was opened through December to sign up for January. So April 1, second and third. It is going to be open at an exclusively low price, then it's going to go up and it will be open through April and then start me first. For more info on that go to parentingwholeheartedly.com/group. Okay, let's dive in. How do I get my partner on board? Have you ever resonated with any of these thoughts? I keep sending articles and leaving books on their nightstand, but they don't research parenting like I do. I get called at work to discipline the kids. And it's so stressful. We're both reacting in opposite ways. And I'm starting to realize how confusing it must be to our kids. My partner loses their temper with the kids all the time. I can't stand it. Do you relate to any of those thoughts? You're not alone. There are a lot of reasons that there can be a lot of reasons why you're not currently parenting on the same page. You are not bad parents because of it. And you are not the only ones. This is a generational issue right now. It's super, super, super prevalent, something that I noticed right away when I started doing in home consulting three years ago. And this is something that my husband and I have worked out as well. This is something that I do day in and day out with families. And this episode is going to give you insight as to why it might be happening in your home and some solutions of what to do. So I'm going to tell you three reasons why you might not be parenting on the same page. And then three solutions of what you can do about it right now starting today. Sounds good. All right, let's dive in. Number one - you are not siblings, hopefully. You did not grow up together in the same house with the same parents. What that means is, you are parented differently yourselves. And therefore you have different parenting instincts. You may not realize just how much those instincts are running the show when you're stressed, whether you like it or not. If you don't want to copy paste your childhood or your partner's childhood, you both need added insight and expanded toolkit. So of course, you're going to see a behavior in a certain way, and your partner sees it differently. Of course, you are going to be triggered by one thing that doesn't bother your partner and vice versa. Of course, you are going to have arguments about parenting because it's not the way that your parents did it. For better or for worse. Of course, you're not parenting on the same page from day one. You did not know what you were signing up for you did not meet this child before they arrived. You do not know what is even developmentally appropriate for a two or three year old, let alone be able to have conversations that digs into your own childhoods reflects deeply and comes to new and better conclusions and strategies. So of course, if you didn't grew up together, you're not parenting immediately on the same page. Number two, you might not be parenting on the same page, because there's an exposure imbalance. What do I mean by that? You have different algorithms, different social networks, different job, different group of friends, different Google searches, one of you has likely either come across or sought out more conversations, articles, podcast episodes, or books on parenting than the other. That's great. However, that often leads to one partner trying to either teach, nag or drag the other partner along to catch up. Now, this might be surprising to hear, but no one likes being criticized or told they're doing it wrong, even and especially by your partner. When all that information is a bit overwhelming, and sometimes conflicting, it can be a bit of a blind leading the blind situation. The best environment to learn is when one where both partners are learning in real time, hearing the same plan in the same language, and both getting to share concerns and ask clarifying questions. While neither is the resident expert. It's a much nicer vibe, in my opinion. So whether you are the more exposed partner or your partner is, I'm sorry to tell you, they're probably not going to read that book that you have on their nightstand. They may be keeping up with some of the articles, or maybe have a friend that they talk to about parenting. But I doubt it. And that's okay. That is just the way that we live right now and our society and culture that we're entrenched in. Don't beat yourselves up for that. Instead, accept that reality and decide what to do about it. What is a possible solution of how you could overcome this adversity. And this problem that is worth solving to you. It is not to continue to shove more information down their throat, or have them try to keep up with you. And when they're drowning in overwhelm our conflicting information that doesn't make sense to them or is sounds like gibberish, or they don't understand how that relates to the way that they were parented or how it contributes to the outcome that you're both wanting. It just doesn't work and it doesn't help. And number three, another reason why you might not be parenting on the same page, is that you might be thinking your relationship is the problem. If the majority of your arguments right now are currently over parenting, this is a good thing. It means you care, you both care. Now, things might not feel like cupcakes and rainbows right now, especially if you're undermining each other's discipline or arguing in front of your kids. But this is not a recipe for divorce. Most likely, you both have high expectations for your kids, love them a whole lot and you want them to succeed, whatever that means to you. Right now. Here's simply seeing a different road to get them to where you want them to be. So as a teacher, I went through a training called touch points. And one of the ways that we as classroom teachers were taught to interact with parents is if a parent came to us very impassioned, with a lot of big emotions directed towards us about their child and how we were handling things, we were taught to see that and embrace that as caring and love for their child and wanting to do well. And being a fierce advocate, Mama Bear person that want thought the relationship was worth talking it out and solving the problem. And that is good. And you need to be able to see that in your partner as well. If they are willing to continue to have conversations about parenting, and you're talking about it, and they're sharing their own opinion, or they're asking questions. That's a really, really good sign. You're just on different paths, you have different glasses on and different life experiences that have told you certain things are necessary, or absolutely beneficial for your kids to be able to turn out, quote unquote, good or well, and you just haven't really talked about what exactly that is, and where exactly you're going. That's okay, we can do that. So, those are just three common possible reasons for why you might not be parenting on the same page. Number one, you're not siblings, hopefully, number two, there's an exposure imbalance. And number three, you might be thinking that your relationship is the problem. So the big question is, how do you get on the same page? Number one of three suggestions? Are you ready? Jot this down. Ask curious questions. If you and your partner grew up very differently, or haven't been to therapy, or done much reflection on their own childhood, then start there. During a non active parenting moment, ask them to tell you about what they remember about discipline growing up. Now, you may have talked about this a little bit with some of like, the intro conversation about whether or not you're going to spank your kids or something like that. But ask them what they felt was missing, if anything at all, when they were growing up. Ask them if there was any resentment between siblings and how their parents might have played a part in that. Ask them did they feel close with and understood by their parents? Why or why not? How did what their parents do? Create who they are today? In good ways, and maybe not so good ways? How was their relationship with their parents during their teen years? Could it have been better? Do you want different or better for your kids? Through this conversation, you are just listening, you are showing genuine interest and concern in your also maybe at answering these questions so that you can be vulnerable and authentic. But you're really trying to put down the walls and the defenses that are creating more and more conflict in your relationship and really try to hear them out and understand where they're coming from. It is also going to open the door for them into a curiosity about what you could do differently with the kids in front of you. Because no matter what they felt was good or bad about their own childhood. Every approach you intentionally choose to repeat needs to be tailored to best support and quote unquote, work for the kids personalities that you're currently working with. And you may have just not even found those yet. So that's number one. Ask curious questions. Number two, and I have those questions written out in a blog post on my website. So go find that it'll be linked in the show notes if you want to pull those up with your partner. Number two, identify what success looks like to you both questions like who do you want your kids to be? What do you hope to be true of their life? What skills do you hope to have taught them? And what values do you hope to instill? You're never going to feel like you have your parenting shit together. If you continue to throw spaghetti at a wall and crashed you Your fingers hoping for good humans. That's not how this works, I'm willing to bet that you both want pretty much the same things for your kids. The things that brought you together in the first place, and the common and shared value system that holds you together is likely the outcome that you're looking for. Now, you just need to create the trajectory to get there together. And the path to get there might not be the path that you thought it was. That's something that a lot of my clients start to realize is the things they were doing with that same why behind it, were actually self sabotaging, or creating an opposite self fulfilling prophecy, or the fear that drove that was actually creating the problem in the first place, or the things that you think are indicators or mile markers of being on the right track, or not the things you thought they were. That's something that you want to know, sooner rather than later. It's absolutely Better late than never. But the sooner the better. Every, every client, I have says, I wish we would have done this sooner. Why wouldn't you want to know you're on the right track as soon as you can. So number three, the third thing you can do to get on the same page is to work with a professional, a solution, action orientated professional. There's absolutely a time and a place for personal therapy, and individual growth in your relationship, as well as marriage counseling, if necessary. So how do you know if parenting coaching is right for you right now? Here are a few indicators, Number one, are any one of your kids' behaviors driving a wedge between you? Are you just experiencing a lot of conflict, aggression, big emotions, and it's wearing on you, because it's a lot. Number two, you want to establish a firm foundation to parent from and you don't feel like you have one. Or you're trying to basically make it up from scratch, because you're not taking from your instincts and the way that you were parented and you're wanting to do it differently. That's hard. It's really, really, really hard. Number three, you're stuck in a vicious cycle of threats and bribes can't seem to make it out. Sometimes it's better sometimes it's worse, but you don't like who you become sometimes in those moments. Number four, you strive to create a healthier family culture and stronger relationships than you grew up with. And it's kind of a big deal to you to have a good relationship and feel close and connected to your kids. Number five, you both know, you need to work on your patience. Just straight up, you own it, hey, it's not what it needs to be and my kids deserve better. And number six, you both realize what you're currently doing isn't working, or at least working long term. And you feel like you're at kind of a crossroads where it's just either gonna continue to deteriorate and get worse, or you take action now. Parent coaching is more like consulting, in sanity and solutions coaching. Your family is the business organization. And I'm your consultant. And I'm here to provide insight, next steps and resources to help you meet your goals. When I guide you to write your family business plan, you identify your end goals, your core values, your family's identity, how you spend your time and money, write a mission statement to sum it all up and apply it day to day. And all of these guide you in conversations that you would just never have otherwise. At the end of it, you graduate with much more patience, improved behavior from all your kids. A full toolkit of positive discipline strategies and your parenting on the same page for good. There is something magical when you both decide to commit and invest in doing better for your kids. It is so good for your relationship so good for the dynamic and the culture and the consistency of your home for the stability, the predictability that your kids are experiencing. It's a little bit magical and it's because I have that commitment and investment to doing differently. Paired with the container for change in the tools that I provide. Your kids are lucky to have a parent or parents seeking out resources and asking for help. It makes me so sad to read comments on Twitter or Tik Tok or social media of just people not even questioning and even promoting really, really, really harmful discipline practices and ways of treating kids. But you are listening to this. So both of you, both you and your partner are the parents they need. Imagine how much more you can feel like it. So your next step is to schedule a consultation call to meet me and learn more links in the bio, you can go to parentingwholeheartedly.com/coaching, to read all the details and to apply there, or go to the link to find a time on my calendar. And just do that now. I'm telling you, this episode, you can put either the blog post for them to read or the earbuds in their ears and you can have them listen to this and see if they agree. If this is new insights, and just decide to take the next step you there's no obligation, nothing to lose, to just find out more information. And now is honestly the best time out of the whole entire year to make this change happen. Because you might have a tax return coming. You have this spring cleaning, new energy sun behind your back feel of being ready for change and kicking winter to the curb. And it's the best time are going to have the most energy to be able to commit to this without insane holiday seasons or back to school or all these things telling you. So there's always going to be a reason not to that what reasons are you going to give yourselves to do it now and make that change? If it's on your heart, you feel like you need it. Listen to that voice. It's there for a reason. So links are in the show notes. I am here for you. I am cheering you on. I am so so glad that you are the parents that your kids need and that you are seeking out right these resources, doing the absolute best you can you just need more tools, more insight, more tips, more understanding of your child's personality so that you can best support them now and years and years into the future. Thank you for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on.