Failing Motherhood

Why it's SO Hard to Stay Calm

March 29, 2022 Danielle Bettmann | Wholeheartedly Episode 63
Failing Motherhood
Why it's SO Hard to Stay Calm
Show Notes Transcript

OF COURSE you snap! OF COURSE you lose your mind!
IT MAKES SENSE.

If you wish you had even a smidge more patience than you do...
...get ready for some truth bombs.

In this episode, I paint the picture of what's really going on in these moments - situationally, emotionally, in your mind... and why it's not only NORMAL but EXPECTED to have a short fuse.

The question is... are you ready to change it?

Wholeheartedly CALM starts May 1st
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Danielle Bettmann:

Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood I mean, have too much anxiety. Not enough patience. Too much yelling, not enough play. There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right. But this is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you. You feel like you're screwing everything up, and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud. This podcast is for you. This is failing motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann. At each week, we'll chat with a mom ready to be real. Sharing her insecurities, your fears, your failures, and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough. And you're not alone. I hope you pop in earbuds, somehow sneak away and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend, we're so glad you're here. Hey, it's Danielle. I have been connecting with so many new listeners on Instagram. And it is like making my heart so full. Because podcasting feels like a very one way scenario. It's like I see some numbers. But I don't even know who's listening. So when I get to hear that particular episodes really speak to you or that you're really finding a lot of value out of this podcast. It means the world to me. And I really, really love getting to connect with you over DMS on Instagram. So if you're not friends, go find me there. My family and I just got back from spring break. We went for a couple days to Great Wolf Lodge down in Kansas City. And my kids were the perfect age to be able to do like the big slides, and the arcade and all of these like big kid things. And it felt like all of our years of swimming lessons. And all this work had like, paid off, and we really got to enjoy some time away. And don't get me wrong. There were arguments, there was sibling rivalry. We had emotional up and downs. Some of us weren't feeling amazing, and it's fine. That is real life, that we did not do anything wrong. But I was spending the last 12 days with my kids nonstop, no breaks. And yesterday, I had to get some work done, which was Sunday. But again, I still put them to bed and then felt bad for not spending enough time with them. Because they were bored. I wasn't let them watching as much screentime as they wanted. And I felt like I didn't do my job like I should have played with them more. I've been with them for 12 days, non stop vacation and everything. They're good, I'm good. But still, that mom guilt is there, which really shows goes to show. There's never enough, we're never going to do enough. There's always going to be some nagging feeling there. So we really need to be able to get a hold of our mindset and have some other thought that's better, but yet believable to put in there instead. And that's a little bit of what I'm going to be getting into with this episode, we're going to be diving into patience, and triggers and why it is so darn hard to stay calm. And if you want to improve your patience, you are absolutely not alone. Welcome. So, before I get into that episode, I did want to read you one testimonial from a mom that just completed Wholeheartedly Calm. And this is actually a testimonial that she shared like six weeks in of the 11 weeks. And I'm going to tell you this because this group, Wholeheartedly CALM. And I mean I'm should probably not even say this out loud... But I genuinely feel like the families that are going through Wholeheartedly CALM are getting even better results than my one on one clients. Because it is intensive it is every week, we are going through things in a very chronologically make sense manner. And they're like all in and they get to have the community aspects that my one on one clients don't get to have and we get to share ideas. And just really no "oh, I'm not the only one whose kid does that... I'm not the only one who struggles in this particular area" and just getting to have a sounding board that's not a whole bunch of strangers on Facebook that may or may not have any of your same values. So Maria said six weeks in, "I wondered if this group would be worth the money. My husband really wasn't on board. But we were fighting tantrums, fights with siblings for my attention, lack of patience and consistency from me, lack of confidence that I'm doing everything right. And now, huge change things to Danielle scripts, specific tools, and an abundance of examples from real life and input from other moms of what they struggle with and what works for them and what not, I feel a huge boost in my confidence as a parent, it's easier to calm her down. And she's not getting to that no return stage that often. I'm much more calm and kind during times of big emotions. Even my sister noticed how calm and confident I've become and how much more balanced my child is now. Now, I wasn't new to gentle parenting. I was following other content creators on the topic for a while and trying to implement those tools in our family. But it seemed too hard and unrealistic to be consistent without having a base, the stable foundation and clear understanding that wholeheartedly calm gives. Now everything makes so much more sense, and is much more doable and consistency is reachable. I'm super grateful, I decided to join this course it was worth every penny I paid to see the real results in my family in less than a month. Now my two older sisters who have four kids each are asking my advice about parenting." How powerful is that? Ah, I just feel like that sums up so much of the good and the value and the power and the transformation that happens when you're in a really curated container with powerful tools that allow you to have the change that you're ready for. And that's what I create. And I'm so proud of it. And I cannot wait to get the next round started, which will be May 1 and early bird pricing, which is a steal at this point, I keep fighting with myself that I need... It's crazy for me to even offer what it was at in back in like November, because it's just so darn good. And I keep making it even better every single round. So April 1 through 3rd, early bird pricing, it'll never be that price. Again, it keeps going up every round. And it is worth so much more I promise you. But if you are ready, if you have a strong-willed child that is one to seven, and you really, really, really want to work on your patience and feel like you have a lot more tools at your disposal. Join the group, join it. Join it, join it. And I'm going to sum up this episode with more details again, so just wanted to get that in there for you go to www.parentingwholeheartedly.com/group for all the details and to sign up when the time is right. So let's dive into why it's so darn hard to stay calm. I don't know how many moms I've heard, say in one way or another, "I just need to be more patient." Friends, that's just not how it works. If beating yourself up for it worked, you would be in a different place by now. And I feel like there was a poll on @mombrain.therapist on Instagram recently. And she has like hundreds of 1000s of followers. So you know, it's a big pool that she's polling. And it was something about you believe other parents have more patience than you. And the overwhelming majority said "Yes, I believe that." So that also can't be true. But we don't honestly talk to each other about just how much we blow up at our kids or lose it or snap or have mom rage or just really struggle with staying calm. Because it feels icky. It feels yucky. We feel embarrassed and shameful about it. And the Why would we be the first to admit that and be vulnerable about that? But you are here listening to this episode, because it bothers you. And you are ready and willing to take on more perspective and want to take action to make a change. And your kids are lucky to have you and that mindset. The bad news is there is no magic button to becoming more patient. Sorry. The good news is once you gain awareness of your triggers, you're much more able to override them in the moment. install new coping strategies and show up as the parent you want to be. So a few disclaimers right off the bat. Number one, you are human. You cannot and will not ever be able to have Zen-Like reflexes 100% of the time, not even I do. Not even the most well-renowned philosophers, psychologists of our day, I promise you, the goal is progress over perfection. Give yourself credit for the progress you see. Because whatever you pay attention to is what grows. Number two, awareness leads to acceptance, which leads to action. Name it, and claim it, to overcome it. So when you become more aware, and pay close attention to your thoughts, your words and your actions, even if they make you cringe, then you will be able to accept your reality come to terms with what needs to change and then take action. You have that awareness that reveals the answers that you're looking for. Number three, confidence expands your capacity. When you feel prepared for whatever comes your way. More strategies, more discipline, insight, more playful examples, more ways to work with momentum and cultivate cooperation, you understand more of what's developmentally appropriate what's going on in their head, you're able to trust the process, you're so much more able to no longer interpret conflicts, and problems and defiance, even as an emergency. When you take control over what you can control, you're much more able to have the energy and the where-with-all to do the things. So in Wholeheartedly CALM, we take a very step-by-step approach to big picture, long term, what's going on with discipline, let's rethink that. Let's align with some new ways to approach the things that we're saying with really tangible scripts. Let's try this, let's try this, let's try this, while at the same time, walking through exercises that really individualize this work so that you can take ownership over your own composure and your own thoughts and your own stories that you tell yourself, and empower you with the ability to change those and do differently. And that work completely transforms your relationship with your child, you have the ability to do that, that is on your side of the equation. So I want you to know that it's possible, and that it's worth it. But it is hard. And it does take an investment in your time and investment in your resources, your money, your energy, your thoughts, to do this work. It is not something that you can bypass, that you can dismiss, that you can put off, or that you can fit into the crevices and crumbs of your day. If this matters to you to be something that you want to change, it has to be a priority, you just have to make time for it. And anything worth doing is worth making a sacrifice for. So let's go over some of the initial awareness step of what those triggers could be for you. Now, think about the last time that you lost it, that you snapped that you totally escalated. And so often we're swinging a pendulum from really, really nice and kind and asking a million times and then all of a sudden, we snap. And we're over here threatening to throw all the toys away. There's no happy medium. The problem with that is we shouldn't be on that super, super, super nice, gentle side in the first place. Because that's what creates the precedent of the dynamic that you set that you really reinforce that you have to yell or that you have to ask a million times. And really where you need to be is kind and firm at the same time in the same sentence. Again, if this was never modeled for you, or you've never done this before, you need to be taught this- which is what I do. But think about the last time that you lost it. What were you feeling? What was going on? What else could have been contributing? What were you thinking? What was the story you were telling yourself? And how can you reframe that now with you know in hindsight? Here are some of the possible things that could have been going on? What could have been happening? Is your child having a display of anger, not listening... Sibling rivalry- where your mama bear comes out against your other child... yelling, a tantrum, whining, them hurting themselves, them hurting you, hurting a sibling or playmate, property damage, toilet accident or them not sleeping. Check any of the above boxes, if any of those incidents causes issues for you. How're you feeling in that moment? You could have been exhausted, overstimulated, protective, threatened, unappreciated, disrespected, embarrassed or desperate. Any of those ring a bell? The other things that could have been contributing in that moment, could be feeling like a broken record, external stress, like finances, marriage issue, something else going on behind the scenes, having really high expectations, being under a time crunch, having no break, not knowing what to do. being in public, having really bad instincts as your go to M.O., being with extended family, (that's a big one common), being in the flow of work or another task and being interrupted...Is there a mess around you or a chaotic environment overall? And what were some of the things that you were thinking in that moment? What was the story, you started to tell yourself? They're doing this to me. They must not like me. They know better than this. If I would have done that, my parents would have... They only do this for me, I must be a bad mom. I must fix this right now. They did this on purpose. I'm creating a monster. There's been so many meltdowns lately. They hardly listen to a word I say. You made me late. Here's the problem. When you have all of those situational circumstances happening, while also feeling all of those feelings, while also having added external situations, creating more and more dynamics and implications in that moment. And all these thoughts, running through your head telling a story.... They are all pouring gasoline on an already burning fire. Every thought that escalates, that over exaggerates, that generalizes, that runs with anxiety, is more and more fuel to the flame. So OF COURSE your brain is going to go offline, and your nervous system is going to panic. If you think that and feel like you are responding to the thought of your child, going to juvie or dropping out of high school or becoming the president of a gang. If that's such a thing. And if you have all of these really big panicked ideas, like... they are a bad kid, or this is all your fault, or you are a bad mom... How are you supposed to stay calm? How are you supposed to rationalize and logic and reasoning your way out of that? You can't. These are your kids. This is a really big deal. This is something that matters. And you feel like you're failing at it and you feel like you're screwing up your kids. So of course, you're going to react in that way. You're going to fly off the handle, you're going to escalate especially if you don't have different perspective and insight to rewrite these stories and you have no other alternative or substitute or replacement behavior of what to think what to say what to do in these moments. You are conditioned by the way that you were responded to as a kid. How can you possibly override that conditioning? That really really deep neuron connection in your brain without a really concerted, intentional effort? To figure out another way of responding? Of course, this is where you're at... where most everyone is at. That is so normal and expected. It just makes sense. Okay, so the only way that you have a chance in the world, at responding differently at having more capacity and composure, and for being kind and firm at the same time is to do the work of peeling back that onion, and taking away all of these external factors that are playing a part in this moment. Finding ways to avoid or eliminate these behaviors from even being a thing long term. Number one, it's a lot easier to be patient when you have a lot less reasons to respond. Number one, if you're only responding to one meltdown versus eight, you have a lot more of a chance to be able to be calm during that one tantrum. Am I right? Number one, yes. Okay, behavior change makes a big difference. Number two, address all of those feelings that are happening, the desperation, the feeling threatened, overstimulated, exhausted, embarrassed, you can't change the way that you feel unless you change those circumstances from creating that narrative and story in that perspective in your head. And there's a lot that's contributing to that. But it can be sorted out. Then change all the other things that are playing a part like the chaotic environment, or the time crunch or not knowing what to do, it's such a big one. It's so underestimated. But so often, the worst flies off the handle are out of a sheer helplessness feeling. When you don't know how to get your kids to do what you need them to do. That is helplessness that is a loss of control. That's the one of those triggering feelings a human can feel. You cannot just figure out how to, quote unquote, be patient through that feeling. You need to eliminate that feeling from being your prevailing feeling. I hope that makes sense. So there's so much more I can say about this, which is why I have a whole course and community about it. So only, like, the brink of the iceberg is what we're diving into in this episode. But I still feel like it is really, really impactful and powerful, even if you just soak this in. So I'm going to let you hear firsthand from the moms that are graduating from this last round of Wholeheartedly CALM. They were willing to share some of their thoughts about what makes the group different, and what value they got out of it and what they would say to other moms considering it. And I just really hope that you will let it play out. Eight more minutes of this episode is their voices. And just be open, open minded to the thought of what could it look like, for our family? If now was the time that we took action now was the time that we invested in our family. I know for a fact there is no mom that I have worked with that has regretted doing this work. But all of them have told me I wish I would have done it sooner. So don't let that be you. Here they are.

Jenni:

It was 1,000% worth the investment. I wish I would have done this sooner.

Mary:

For all the months that we've all been scrolling, following people on Instagram, you're like, oh, yeah, this will change. I'll be able to implement this. And it gets saved and you never look back at it. Right? So when I was like, wow, okay, it's been a year and we're still dealing with the same issues. That honestly was really what helped me make the leap into the program with you because I said 'oh my god, we have to do something because we can't go on like this any longer.' And we just really need to have this intensive program to make sure that we have the tools that we need.

Maria:

Even though like I'm not new in this gentle parenting. Still a lot of things were like not very easy or ready to use to implement like from other like sources, like Instagram accounts. But here, it was like, probably because of this foundation and kind of like a support group. And like that we're like, yeah, sharing that. We're all like, going through all this difficulties. Yeah, I think that's like a big part of success.

Katie:

I was the person who listened to the every kind of parenting podcast you can find, finding all the information, but none of it made a difference. None of it was sticking with me the way this course did the way it was laid out week by week. And building that knowledge and using the tools from one week before moving into the next week and the short videos, instead of our long videos that I couldn't find time to listen to the short videos, they were sweet, and to the point and they made sense, you know, their real life. They make sense. It's, yeah, my kid does that. Yeah, I do talk to my kid that way. Yeah, that does make sense. I wouldn't want to be talking to you that way. They all. They all just clicked.

Valerie:

Every time like I see like thing on Instagram or something. This is like, yeah, I should do that. That's a great idea. That's great. But then he like in the moment like you just completely forget it. Because you don't have like, you're not in it. You're not hearing the content, you're not having this like kind of group conversation. I'm really just like, How can I relate this back to our day to day, the daily things? And so I have to agree like, just the, how you explain it, how you make it, and you've been through it yourself, and just how you make it relatable for all of us is just super helpful.

Jenni:

What brought me here was actually going to therapy myself and realizing like that generational needs to stop here, like, I will not have my daughters the same way. And so that's what really made me take that leap is knowing that I'm investing in their future and their future selves.

Katie:

I needed to change what I was doing, how I was seeing things in my mindset. And it changed my mindset a lot. And now I know I'm the mom that he needs, and I will fight for him and I will change for him and be better for him. So he can be better.

Valerie:

No one kind of teaches you how to parent. It is just something that you should kind of just know what to do. And then when you are in it, you have nothing. You have no toolbox to come across. Just people are like, you're supposed to do what you're supposed to do. And no one tells you what you're supposed to do. And so it's just kind of, it's very helpful, very helpful to have just something to fall back on based on other than just instincts, which normally it's your instincts are your upbringing, which probably, depending on your upbringing, might not be the best tools to use.

Mary:

It's the application of the information. We're not just reading it, you're, you're helping us first of all, read it, we're listening to you, then you're giving us ways to actually use the words that we're hearing and reading. And we're practicing it, we're talking about it with our village now, because you guys are the village that this is a safe place for all of us to unload those feelings and say, "How can we do it better?"

Katie:

The advice I was getting from people in my family or friends or people I know is it didn't sit well with me. It wasn't what I wanted to do. It's a lot of what they need a good spanking. Well, they need to be in timeout, well, you need to take this away. And I just knew I wanted to do it differently. And I wanted to do it in a more positive manner. But I didn't know how.

Danielle Bettmann:

What changes have you seen in your parenting? In your family life or in your child from January to March?

Katie:

I definitely have more patience and understanding for what my kid is going through. And I think I have for sure my relationship with my child is stronger. There's more connection and he trusts me.

Jenni:

I would say those breakdowns and tantrums are so much shorter now than they were and they're not getting escalated into 20 minutes of fighting back and forth.

Caliste:

Her tantrums have significantly decreased and only once in a while she'll have a blow up. And so it just makes her life so much more peaceful. And that was what I was looking for

Maria:

The structure, this foundation and this confidence that what I'm doing is right is an confirmation in my daughter's behavior and reaction to that gives you like this confidence.

Jenni:

There's a lot less screaming and I feel like she now like trust me more. I would say she comes to me more things and she wants to talk to me about like hard things.

Maria:

When I decided to have To be part of this group, so my husband was not very supportive he like was like, "Oh, what is it to learn to parent? It's like some common sense. We all know this. Like, why you need to spend this amount of money on that?" Said, Okay, I need this for my development. My personal. It's interesting for me. So I did this. And my husband just a couple weeks ago, just admitted that he agrees that that was a right decision. And it was like, "it is not a common sense."

Danielle Bettmann:

What would you say to someone who's considering the next round?

Valerie:

You're here for a reason. And the reason is, you need help.

Katie:

It's not something that's just dumped on your lap. And here you go, sort through all these tools, and figure out which ones work. Each week, you're learning about them, why they work, how they work, and then implementing them before moving on to the next. So it just becomes part of your daily life and your habits. And you may not be perfect by the end of the course. But it's knowledge that you're still building on and you're still keeping with you. And yeah, the money is definitely worth it to have that relationship again with my son, and they feel confident and capable as a mother.

Caliste:

All the knowledge that we gained here, or I've gained here is all solely going to make it better in the future. So totally recommend this to anybody who was having a strong willed kid.

Jenni:

Investment wise, it was 1,000% worth the investment because I'm investing in my children's future. And they're totally worth it.

Valerie:

If if you're struggling now, you're going to be struggling three months from now. So might as well try to learn as much as you can. If you want this situation to improve and or your parenting hasn't worked yet. There's probably a reason for that.

Katie:

Definitely your kids aren't getting any younger. How much time do you want to go by before you have the relationship that you want to have or the connection you want to have or the tools you want to have to parent the way you want to parent them?

Danielle Bettmann:

So, will I be seeing you in Wholeheartedly CALM in May? I really, really hope so. For you, for your tiny humans, for your generational cycle. This is big stuff. But it's specifically designed for you. If this episode resonated with you, it is for you. You are a perfect fit. And we want to see you inside with a whole bunch of new friends. So, share this episode with a friend. Go find me on Instagram, leave a review on Apple podcasts, please. It really helps the podcast grow. And I'm so glad that you're here. That you're investing in your family and you're choosing to seek out these resources and take action. Thank you for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you. And I'm cheering you on.