Failing Motherhood

Raising Good Humans with Erin Hodgson

June 21, 2022 Danielle Bettmann | Wholeheartedly Episode 69
Failing Motherhood
Raising Good Humans with Erin Hodgson
Show Notes Transcript

Erin Hodgson is a non-bio mom to her two boys with her wife, living in New Zealand.  This episode felt like we recorded several episodes in one!

After a quick geography lesson on New Zealand, we dive into her plans of world-schooling in 2023. 

I'm so glad I asked her how she met her wife, because you won't believe her story!

After sharing her experience inducing lactation to nurse her second son, as well as what it's like to be a family of two moms raising two boys, she shares what it means to her to raise good humans.

If you're wanting to become a more conscious parent, break generational cycles and think long-term about your idea of "success" for your kids, you will want to stay to the end!
She speaks to the guilt of wanting "more" and how the more we discover about ourselves overflows and improves our parenting.

In this episode, she shares...

  • The skills she feels can't be learned in a classroom
  • How to support our kids when the world they'll be in hasn't been created yet
  • Why she doesn't believe you're failing your kids and why you shouldn't think so either


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Erin Hodgson:

I don't think that there is a way to fail motherhood. If I'm honest, I think we feel it all the time. There is nothing that we will be harder on ourselves for than how we raise our children. I don't think

Danielle Bettmann:

ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood I mean? have too much anxiety. Not enough patience. Too much yelling, not enough play. There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right. This is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you. You feel like you're screwing everything up. And you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud. This podcast is for you. This is failing motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann. And each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real. Sharing her insecurities, her fears, your failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough and you're not alone. I hope you pop in earbuds somehow sneak away and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend. We're so glad you're here. Hey, it's Danielle. Today's episode was such a treat for me to record. I think I have a new best friend in New Zealand. I interviewed Erin and it was so much fun. After we stopped recording. We talked for another like 30-40 minutes offline. I found it so fun that in different days due to time zones, opposite weather seasons, different family structures and paths to becoming a mom. Our kids are the same age and they're reading the same graphic novels have the same toilet humor, and we want the same things for our kids. Aaron Hudson is a queer woman married to her wife of 14 years, and a non bio mum to two boys aged 10 and seven. Aaron always knew she wanted to be a parent, but also knew she had no interest being pregnant and having her own baby. So creating their family was an easy decision. But the challenges of undergoing fertility treatment, and raising two boys with little support has definitely required more resilience and strength than she or her wife had planned for navigating health difficulties, and learning difficulties between their children has now led Erin and her wife down a different path. And they're currently preparing to pack up and take their boys on a world schooling adventure in 2023. So in honor of Pride Month, I'm excited to feature Erin's story as unique. And as normal as it is. I don't want to give you too long winded of an introduction because I really do want you to stick to the end of this episode. It gets better and better as we go. Right off the bat. We chat geography, more about her family's plans of traveling the world. How she met her wife, you're not gonna believe that story. And then her becoming a non bio mom. She speaks so honestly, about how much she just wants to raise good humans. And I think you'll definitely relate. Here's my interview with Erin. Welcome to failing motherhood. My name is Danielle Bettmann. And on today's episode, I'm joined by Erin Hodgson. Welcome, Erin. Thanks for taking the time.

Erin Hodgson:

Thank you. Thanks for the invitation. It's nice to be here.

Danielle Bettmann:

Of course I am. I'm so excited to just connect with somebody from New Zealand. I'm gonna be honest and like fanning, you're just a whole country, the whole vibe, all of it.

Erin Hodgson:

Thanks. I've worked really hard on it. Yeah,

Danielle Bettmann:

yeah. Clearly that was all you personally. Absolutely. Absolutely. It's sounding so lovely. I have to say compared to the place we're at as a country, but we won't dive into politics, we'll dive into our own personal story. So all that aside, tell us is New Zealand amazing?

Erin Hodgson:

I mean, I think yeah. And no, every every country I think has its good and bad points, you know? Yeah. Like I grew up here. Clearly from the accent. I've lived here pretty much my whole life. I spent a little bit of time in Australia, but the majority of it has been here in New Zealand and it's a great place to raise children. It's a great place to be when you're a young person. I think that the cost of living is really high. It's fucking away from everything. Like it is my it literally takes you know, I think so we're looking at relocating next year actually. And the flight that we're looking at leaving New Zealand on is 14 hours. Oh, wow. So that kind of gives you an idea of like just how far Are away everything that might be interesting is Yeah. Oh, no thought about that. So you know, there's good points and bad points and that respect, but it is beautiful country, the scenery is amazing, the people are generally pretty great. And the culture is amazing. And you know, so there's lots of really positive things. But you know, equally there are good things to be said about the US and other parts of the world as well that I think, you know, sometimes it can be easy to overshadow some of that stuff, like some of the best people that I know, are American, and some of the some of my favorite people in the whole world have been born and raised and never left the US. So you know, I think it's all kind of relative, and it's about what you look for in the world. You'll only ever see what you look for. Right? So yeah, I love that perspective.

Danielle Bettmann:

That's really important to remember because, yeah, easily any less lasting current event can, you know, be the thing that you think about, but there's so much to where we choose to live and our circumstances? Yeah. Yeah. So it's, it's funny to be connected with so many people internationally. Just, you know, like, we're a so we're like, like, way more alike than we would be different, you know, walking down the street. Yeah.

Erin Hodgson:

Yeah. I mean, the only thing that's different, really, apart from the accent is just, you know, that we live in different places and have different surroundings. I think, you know, there's always commonality to be found with anybody in the world. I mean, we're all human. Right, exactly. So I think we forget that sometimes. And we forget, you know, the privilege that that brings, of just having that commonality and that that common ground. So, you know, and as mothers, like, there will always be so much about what we do every day, that is the same. I don't think that geography really determines whether we're the same or not so

Danielle Bettmann:

totally. And the other thing that's bizarre is that it's Friday, your time and Thursday, my time.

Erin Hodgson:

It is, it is and I have to say Friday is blinking freezing. It is really cold, because it is also winter here. And I know you're heading into summer vacation, and it is very hot here. Yeah, we we had a really decent frost this morning. And walking, walking the children to school, we were all like marveling at how much of our breath we could see. And like it was. Yeah, it's it's freezing. But it's Friday. And that's always a win.

Danielle Bettmann:

So my I was just talking to my podcast editor, and she's in Australia, and obviously winter there too. And she was talking about how cold it is. How cold does it get?

Erin Hodgson:

No, not as cold as Australia, I can tell you that for free. Okay, so we have we live right at the bottom of New Zealand. So we're at the bottom of the South Island. Okay, the temperatures here. And again, we're, you know, because we're New Zealand, we're centigrade or Celsius rather than our re Fahrenheit. Right? So there's that difference. But if I do a really quick conversion, we don't generally get out of single digits in the winter. And I say that and I know people will go, wow, that's really cold. But actually, it's still Yeah, around 32. Right. Yeah. Some 10 degrees Celsius is 50 degrees Fahrenheit. So you know, was anywhere up to about 50. On any given day, we certainly don't get the extreme cold temperatures. But we are very, very close to Antarctica. And where we live is a port city. So we're right on the coastline. And we often get Antarctic when this so the wind chill can be really cold. But we don't you know, I mean, we know Canada don't sit in the negatives, like for days and days and days on end. So yeah,

Danielle Bettmann:

still, in my mind, I'm thinking that you're just like tropical year round. So this is blowing my mind. No,

Erin Hodgson:

not at all. In fact, where we live, because we're so far south, we don't have really hot summers either. Okay, we sort of mid 20s is about as much as we get, which I think is around about 75

Danielle Bettmann:

ish. Okay, that sounds lovely. I'm gonna be honest. Yeah. Yeah,

Erin Hodgson:

I mean, I'm not gonna lie. I actually really like the heart. So 77 is 25. Okay, so, you know, we hit 25. And we're like, oh, it's a really beautiful day. And that 77 the North Island gets a lot warmer. And even the north of the South Island gets a lot warmer. So there's different there's, you know, New Zealand is a small country in terms of population, and we say, you know, like, we're quite literal. I mean, there's 5 million people here in the whole country. But geographically, we're actually quite big. Like, if you put us over Europe, we would cover France and some of Spain I think, and the UK, like we're quite, quite spread out. And there's quite a lot of the country that's not really inhabited by people. So it's kind of deceptive. Because people think it's a small country. You've got not many people so everybody's kind of living in the same environment, but actually really were quite spread out. And there's really different climates throughout the country. So it's really, really cool.

Danielle Bettmann:

Okay, this is fascinating. Just to grill you about geography, but we got a bonus lesson.

Erin Hodgson:

Yeah, we did. We did sort of say we just go with A, the conversation goes,

Danielle Bettmann:

here, we are certainly comparing Celsius and Fahrenheit. So yeah, we'll get we'll get back to why we're here. I shared your bio at the beginning. But go ahead and just introduce yourself to my listeners and tell us who you are and who's in your family.

Erin Hodgson:

All right, my name is Erin and I have just turned 40. So I'm sort of born and bred and grown up in New Zealand, kind of a person pretty laid back. I think I'm pretty standard kiwi. I think most people are pretty casual about life here. And, you know, I'm pretty easygoing about that sort of stuff. I've been married to my wife for I get this wrong, I'm in trouble. But I think 14 years in October, okay. And we've been together for just over 15 years now. And I grew up in the North Island. And she grew up in the South Island. And when we first started going, you know, dating or going out or whatever you call it these days with the cool kids. She moved to the North Island and absolutely hated it and was like, I'm going back to the South Island, you can come if you really want. And I was like, well, that's a very tempting invitation. Sure. So we came down and we've been living here ever since. And, you know, it's it's, we're she's always been comfortable. And our boys, we have two children. Asha is 10. Nearly 11. And Luca is seven, nearly eight. And yeah, the like they were born here. They've never lived anywhere else. And they are very sweet. I'm looking for. They're very, very different children to the type of children that I thought I would have. They're not biologically my children that biologically my wife's children. And you know, we'll have a bit of a conversation, no doubt about how all of that went. But yeah, yeah, that great kids. And, as a family, we, we don't have a lot of family around, despite my wife being from here, her mum passed away when eldest was just little like he was one and her father still lives here. But beyond that, we don't have a lot of family around, we have a lot of fantastic friends. And you know, they're really great. But we're actually in the process of packing everything up and selling most of what we own the end, hitting overseas to see what the world holds for us as a family. And so that's exciting. And, you know, the kids are excited about it, but it's also somewhat intimidating. Not gonna lie. Yeah. In a roundabout way,

Danielle Bettmann:

circling back to geography. Yeah. Sorry. So yeah. Tell me more about that. Like the whole, we're gonna globally check around the world in 2023. What, tell me more about your plans.

Erin Hodgson:

Wow. Um, so the intention at this point is to leave in early February, leave New Zealand and head to Canada for six months. Okay, trip around Canada. Originally, we thought we might do some of the US, but I'm not gonna lie that's more intimidating, that we then we feel brave enough to do at this point. Fair, fair, which makes me really sad. But also, you know, I'm hopeful that that will change over time, and that we will have that opportunity at some point. And then we're heading off to the UK after Canada and, and spending some time and traveling around Europe. I've got Italian roots and French roots, as well as you know, the British colonial sort of ancestry. So I want to visit those places. My wife is a British citizen, her mum was born and grew up in Scotland. So she has citizenship but she's never been there. Oh, wow. And as as we've got older, the pool to go and see those roots and see where our people come from, and, and especially for my wife with him, her mum passing away, it's just got stronger and stronger for her that she wants to reconnect with those roots. And, yeah, and then my kids are like, can we go to Greece and see the, you know, the Parthenon, we go to, you know, all these different things. They want to go in Rome, and that they're excited about the opportunity to go and see different things that they've kind of only really seen, like, one of them is really excited about going to the Eiffel Tower and being able to eat a and, you know, and the other ones like, Oh, I really want to go to the Louvre and I want to see the Mona Lisa. In person like, so, you know, it's exciting. And we're fortunate enough that there's, we both feel the same sort of enthusiasm for it. I think, you know, it would be really easy for one of us to say, Oh, that's too scary, or that's too hard, or that's, you know, but what about what the life we have here. But if I'm honest, COVID definitely killed that vibe, because we felt trapped as soon as the world shut down. And so now we're like, now let's do it. Like, we always talked about traveling, neither of us did it when we were younger. And we we always said, once the kids have left home, we're out, like, you know, if they don't leave home, we will, that's totally fine. And now we're kind of like, actually, we want to spend that time with the children, we want to, we want to have adventures with them. And, and we also, you know, I think it's, it's easy to kid yourself that you've got forever. Yeah, but we know that's not the case. And we've had, we've certainly had friends lose, you know, life partners and things that have made us go actually, we don't want to wait, because there's no one else I want to do it with. And, and I certainly don't want to not do it. Just because she's not here, or I'm not here, you know, like, I think it's really important to just live life where you can and, and there's a lot of world out there to see. So we'd better hurry up and get started. Yeah.

Danielle Bettmann:

So like, logistically, do you have to like sell your place? And like, what are you doing to prepare?

Erin Hodgson:

Well, we're gonna keep the house, okay, yeah, we're gonna keep the house, we're gonna sell everything in it. Okay. But the house will keep for now, the housing market here is horrific. You know, we bought this house 10 years ago, and it's just about tripled in value and 10 years. And, you know, and the price of housing is just astronomical, and, and continues to rise. And I think for us, that while we don't have any intention necessarily to come back and live in this house, it feels like it's something that we've invested in for our children. And so it's something that for now, we will maintain, you know, if we decide to settle somewhere, at some point, we might sell it in order to invest somewhere else. But for now, it feels like it's kind of that it's, it's that safety net for our children. So if something happens to to us, they've got, you know, some security and in some way to be in some way to, you know, to kind of put roots back down in some way that's familiar. Yeah. So, for now, that's the plan. Yeah. And everything else goes. And, yeah, that's, you know, that's a process in itself. That's totally, yeah, that's a lot of work challenge challenges all of us in different ways.

Danielle Bettmann:

And then you're planning to homeschool.

Erin Hodgson:

We're planning a World School. So homeschool, you know, implies that you're following a curriculum and some sort of structure, we're not intending to do that. We don't have to do that, because we don't have to stay enrolled in schooling here in New Zealand, because we're traveling and so we don't really feel the need to have an enrollment and, you know, keep a curriculum going as such, not going to live school doesn't work for our older son. He's, he has some learning, learning challenges that he gets great support with at school, but school doesn't light him up. And he's actually really, really clever when he's engaged in experiential learning. And so we were like, well, what better way to do it than to take him out into the world and say, actually, you know, here's all these different things that you can try and do and experience and the learning that you get from that, well, you know, will carry you further forward in life, I think for him than it would if he was in a classroom. Yeah. And our youngest son is superduper. Smart, and picks up everything really easily. So I don't think he'll have any challenges either. So at this point, the intention is just to World School. And they're both really into museums and that kind of stuff. So we'll do lots of museums, tours and art galleries, and, you know, lots of historical stuff. They're excited about going to someplace in Canada that has like a cannon and like all that kind of stuff. And so, you know, they're doing their own little research. They've got their own little vision boards of what they want to see in the world. And oh, my gosh, so fun. Yeah, yeah, it's nice. It's nice to see them already expanding their worldview and recognizing that what they live with, isn't everything. Yeah. Because I think that's, that's the danger of living in New Zealand, I think is that because you're so isolated from the rest of the world? You do get this crazy perception that this is what the world is like. And actually, it's not at all and it blows their mind that we could maybe one day live in a house that was built before New Zealand was even discovered, you know, because we're quite a young country as well. Sure. Yeah. Here an old house was built in the 1880s. her. And like we're looking at, like some of these houses in England that were built in, like the 1600s and 1700s. And the kids are just like, whoa, that's mind blowing, you know? So, right, yeah. So it's exciting to be able to expand their worldview and to be able to offer them opportunities to see different ways of being in the world and different ways of connecting with other people and that sort of stuff. Like, that's really important to us that they just grow up to be good humans. And you can't learn that in a classroom. So that's kind of the one of the drivers behind it, I guess. Yeah.

Danielle Bettmann:

Well, I'll have to like, follow up with you in a year and see how it's going.

Erin Hodgson:

If you can find me.

Danielle Bettmann:

If I get a hold of you. Yeah. And

Erin Hodgson:

might even be in the same time zone by that point. Yeah,

Danielle Bettmann:

that's,

Erin Hodgson:

I certainly won't be in the future.

Danielle Bettmann:

Yeah, that sounds so amazing to be able to offer that opportunity to your kids at this age, because I have similar aged kids, mine are almost eight on Saturday, and then nine, and they get their 15 months apart. I don't recommend it. But they're in such like a sweet spot. Like I really like this age, because they Yeah, they can take care of themselves. But also, they still want to be around us and like hang out. Yeah, our attention all the time. And like yeah, I feel like it's such a nice time to spend this time as a family and make the most of it. So I'm super jealous and take all ultimate. Yeah, well, you know, what not to do. Hey, if you're new here, I'm Danielle. My company wholeheartedly offers one on one and group coaching programs to help families with strong willed kids aged one to seven, prevent tantrums, eliminate power struggles, extend their patience and get on the same page. It's kind of like finances, you can read lots of info about what a Roth IRA is and how the stock market works. But if you really want to get serious about paying down debt or growing your wealth, you go see a financial advisor who can give you very specific recommendations based on all the unique facets of your situation. I'm your financial advisor for parenting. And I've designed the way we work together to give you nothing less than a complete transformation. While we work together, I am able to help you figure out why your child is losing their mind and why you are losing your mind and guide you to master effective long term solutions through three main focuses. Number one, my cultivating cooperation guide teaching you the tools of positive discipline. Number two, managing your mind by working through my triggers workbook. And number three, establishing your family's foundation by writing your family business plan. My coaching is comprehensive, practical, individualized and full of VIP support. So if you struggle to manage your child's big emotions, if you and your partner's arguments seem to center around parenting, especially if one of you is too kind, and one of you is too firm. If you struggle to stay calm and be the parent that you want to be, it's possible to stop feeling like a deer in headlights when a tantrum hits, effortlessly move through simple directions and care routines without an argument. And go to bed replaying the way you handled the hardest moments and feel proud. If you have a deep desire to be the best parent you can be, and your family is your greatest investment. Find me on Instagram, send me a message that says SANITY. And I'll ask you a few questions to see if we'd be a good fit to work together. I can't wait to meet you back to the show.

Erin Hodgson:

Our eldest son part of his like world schooling experience will be he wants to start a YouTube channel. And, and vlog about all of the different things that we do. And you know, so that he can show his friends back in New Zealand and so that he can send it to my parents and that sort of stuff. And so that's part of his his journey. And you know, I've said to him, like, I'm happy to show him how to edit videos and stuff like that. So that will be part of his learning experience as we travel.

Danielle Bettmann:

Such a needed skill set right now. Yeah, right. Oh, he

Erin Hodgson:

loves that stuff. Like, I mean, he's a 10 year old boy. So like, if he's not plugged into something, he starts to wilt. So, so yeah, so that's part of it. And then I also think I'll probably start a blog and particularly because we're two women traveling with two boys. I think that's a really unique challenge that faces us. You know, I'm not gonna lie. My wife freaks out about the thought of having to send our boys into the bathrooms at an airport, just the two of them and and things like that, you know? Yeah. So there's that kind of aspect of it that we've tried to seek out similar experiences, and we haven't found it anywhere. So that's, that's probably something that I blog a bit a bit about and, and share, you know, our experiences with Yeah, yeah, it's just, it's exciting. It's exciting to do different things and, and to connect with people, you know, like people like you who have similar age children, like we're all about, we've got friends and a whole pile of different places that have kids of all different ages. And we're like, we just want to take our kids to experience other kids, you know, to be able to say, actually, like, these kids grew up in Canada, like they've learned to ice skate, so that they can play ice hockey with my friend's son in Edmonton. And, you know, they're learning French, because I've got a friend in France, who her children only speak French, and they're like, well, we've got to be able to talk to him. Wow. Yeah. So like, you know, that that motivation, again, that human connection thing? Yeah, is the thing that I think shapes the experience, and, and they're all in on all of it. So it's great.

Danielle Bettmann:

My kids are also learning French, not for that same reason. But that's just what their school offers. So I'm hoping that they become our translators. When we go back to Paris, because we went to Paris for our honeymoon, nice. The Eiffel Tower does live up to the hype. So definitely get the croissant and all the pastries and macaroons and make the most of it. Yeah, they have they have these little salespeople that like come around for keychains. And so just get a keychain. But yeah, no. Why? Why not? Yeah, right. Yeah,

Erin Hodgson:

exactly. not

Danielle Bettmann:

exact. I think being able to show them that. There's kids their age that are they have more similarities with than Yeah, not as I think such a cool thing that you got, you can't learn other than just doing Yeah,

Erin Hodgson:

and that's the thing, right? Like, I think we grow up. And certainly the world today feels very divisive, feels very, like I have to exclude people, because they're not the same as me, or I look for the difference as a reason to not be connected to people. And that really just hurts my heart as a parent, that, that that's how children are being raised. And I don't feel good about that. So it's very much like actually, if that child's different, go and learn about that difference, go and understand why that is, you know, not actually as big as you think it is, and how through that difference, you will have commonality. Yeah, and I think that's, that's such an important skill for children to pick up, that we don't put enough focus on, you know, probably because there's pile of other things that are seemingly more important, right. But,

Danielle Bettmann:

ya know, I'm in my house, I have taught my kids that there are basically two groups of people, people that believe that differences are good. And people that believe that differences are bad. And then that shapes how they react to those differences. And what they decide to do as a result, and, you know, like, they're very much of the camp of differences are good, they are to be celebrated, they're to be sought out. And, and so we have like signs up in our house to say everyone's different, everyone belongs. And that's a really core part of like, who we are as a family. But again, that that only is translated then when they're able to see that model through how we interact with others, or how we encourage them to seek those relationships out. And so that's a big part of why we want them to be more open minded and have that worldview sense as well. Yeah, so very, like in that sense.

Erin Hodgson:

And so that's why one day we'll be able to visit the US is because people are raising children, like yours. And that's like, that's something that I want our children to see as well is that, you know, for all the bad things that you see in the media, and all of the things where people are hurting each other, or discriminating against each other or oppressing each other like that all comes from such a wounded space in such a space of like generational trauma now 100%. And actually, like, we don't, we get to choose whether we carry that forward on on, and we're choosing not to Yes, and not everybody will make that choice. And not everybody feels like they have a choice around that. But if we do, and we make a conscious choice not to be that way, then that allows other people around us to see that actually, they can make a choice to and that that's the only way that anything is going to get better. And you know, we can do that here in our little community where you know, my kids go to school with 120 kids like it's, you know, we're in a small space. Or we can go into the world and we can stand in the middle of London town as they call it. And they're like, We can stand in London town by Big Ben and I'm like, Yes, he can. And then like we could have a sign that says we love everybody. And I'm like, yep, you totally can. Oh, yeah. Like, if that's what you want to do. I'll help you write it. Like let's you know, and that's the kind of experience and that's what makes me proud as a parent. Like it makes me you know, I'm not gonna lie, I've totally fucked them up and I I'm gonna have to pay for therapy at some point. At the same time, there are moments where I'm just so overwhelmingly proud and question, whether that's my influence, or whether that's just the people that they are. And I'm not gonna lie, probably just the people that they are. But they're pretty great little people. But you're allowing them to be those people. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I try as long as they do the things they have to do as well.

Danielle Bettmann:

Yeah. They also put their shoes on, generally.

Erin Hodgson:

Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, pick their laundry up, and do all the things like put the dishes away. As long as long as they you know, good. housemates. Yes. Then they can also be good people. I

Danielle Bettmann:

think that's fair. Yes. So I feel like we've had a whole episode already. But I want to know more about you. So how did you meet your wife?

Erin Hodgson:

Funny story that. So I worked for a big organization like a national organization in the North Island. And she worked for the same organization and the South Island. And she used to ring me every day for help. So I was like a technical advisor. And she would call and say, I've got this, this client that needs this, I don't know where to find the information. She had only just started and I'd been there for like four or five years. And she like I talked to her probably, you know, sometimes 15-20 times a day. Yeah. Right. Like, because she, you know, she had lots of questions, she was just starting. And that was kind of the, what I was there for. And then, like, you know, I do stupid things, like I'd send an email out to everybody in the center, but the center was across two cities. And I'd accidentally send it to the whole center and say, Hey, I'm coming around with a raffle for such and such, you know, charity or whatever. If you've got, if you want to, you know, just let me know, then I'll come to your desk and pick up your money. And she'd send little messages back going, I've got $5 here if you want to come and get it. And I was like, I guess she's kind of funny. And at the time, I was like, I was engaged to someone else. I was in a committed relationship, very, you know, happy on track with life and all of the things and, and then one day, she she said to me, you know, I'm going to a concert tonight with my ex. And I really wish it wasn't her that I was going with I wish it was you. At that exact moment. I felt like everything in my life just stopped. And I can't I can't explain it in any way, shape, or form. It was just that was on the Friday night. And by Monday morning, I'd left my partner and ahead said to my wife, do you want to come up and see how we go? Wow. Um, and so she came for a visit. And yeah, and pretty much before she'd even visit it. Like before we even had met face to face. We established that we were going to get married and have children and live happily ever after. Oh my gosh. And and that's where we're at 15 years later. So yeah, like, it was just one of those. Like, I kind of describe it as a great remembering, like, I have been with her and another lifetime. I know her. And I knew as soon as we met as we connected, I just knew there was more than what I could see. And yeah, and I just I She's the best thing that ever happened to me. She changed my life completely. And all the best ways. And, you know, and then we had beautiful children together. And now we're on our next adventure. And yeah, like, it was so happy for you guys. Yeah, but it was a bit of a rocky start. And

Danielle Bettmann:

that is not how it usually is.

Erin Hodgson:

No, no, it's not.

Danielle Bettmann:

At least timeline wise.

Erin Hodgson:

Yeah exactly. Right. And, you know, she moved to the North Island and hated it, like I said, and so then we moved back down to the South Island. And in the process of moving back to the South Island, I lost my job because there wasn't the same role and in the South Island, so So I had to go and find another job. But she's still with the same company now. And yeah, like it, you know, it's just one of those stories that like, if you, if I heard it from someone else, I'd be like, That's nuts. You know, like, it's an that's kind of a story to just say like, hi, yeah, I met my wife on the phone at work. Yeah, but yeah, there you have it. That's how it happened.

Danielle Bettmann:

That's so cool. Yeah, it's

Erin Hodgson:

a good story for the grandkids.

Danielle Bettmann:

Right. It is it is totally. Especially that it didn't like completely blow up in your face, like a year later. I mean, that really is a win. Yeah.

Erin Hodgson:

Oh, yeah, totally. Totally. And, you know, I mean, it hasn't it hasn't always been easy. Like, of course, when you wait, I think lots of people will recognize when you when you have a relationship that starts long distance, you don't really get that dating stage. And you know, people joke all the time about lesbians with you halls, like second date. They're moving in together. I mean, it was almost first date for us that we moved in together because we never had the opportunity to live apart and in the same city and so, you know, like those that presented challenges and all of that sort of stuff as well. And then, yeah, you know, it was it's, it's been an interesting ride, but there's no one I would have rather done it with. And yeah, and we're so blessed because we have a beautiful life together. So, yeah, that's great. So,

Danielle Bettmann:

I know you've shared with me before that you always knew you wanted to be a parent. Yeah. But you also always knew that you had no interest being pregnant. Oh, hell

Erin Hodgson:

yeah. Like who wants to do that? Like, seriously, you have to be a little bit nuts to want to be pregnant. Like, you get the spoon feed and you get, like all the cravings. No, no, not for me at all. I'm way too selfish.

Danielle Bettmann:

But oh, how early? Did you know that? Um, like, Is that something you've just always known? Well,

Erin Hodgson:

the funny thing is like, I remember being about four. And we had this like, outdoor house that my dad had made until like a little, we call it a windy house. I don't know what you call it in this day. It's like a little playhouse thing, the little boy that lives behind us used to come and play. And I used to make him be the mom, because I wanted to be the dad. Go be like, I know. Now I'm going to work you stay home with the kids? Yeah, like, I think I kind of always knew that I wanted to be a non traditional parent. What that looks like, I didn't know, I was open to everything. You know, we talked about adoption. We talked about fostering, we talked about all those kinds of things. But there's a lot of barriers for same sex couples here in New Zealand around adoption and that type of thing. And, and actually, my wife really wanted to have a baby, crazy person. Like she was like, you know, she was like, No, I really want to have I really want to be pregnant. I really want to have a baby, I really want it to be my biology that gets passed down. I'm like, Cool. You do you boo. And I'll be over here, like, having a beer while you do it. No, I mean, I I like, I can't think of anything more beautiful than holding the child that your partner has created. Right? Like, I don't think there's anything more beautiful than that. And you know, it was it was a really rocky process. We went onto a waiting list to have fertility treatment, we had an anonymous donor. So you know, when the kids are older, they can find more information out about who he is, and all of that sort of stuff. But we were on a waiting list for three and a half years after getting married. Before we got a phone call. Well, we gave them a call. And we're like, hey, like we've been on the waiting list for a long time. And you told us originally it'd be up to two years. It's three and a half years later. And they're like, Oh, we took you off the waiting list because we hadn't heard from you. But like, huh, can you put us back on please. So they put us back on. And the next week, we got a call saying hey, there's donors that you can come in and have a look at. So we there were five to choose from. We both looked at them separately. And both came to the same conclusion around who we wanted. So it was kind of it was an easy decision. From that perspective. The donor is a lot like my dad and my father in law. He's an engineer, he type he works with his hands. My parents have a house bus and he you know, built his own house bus and traveled around New Zealand. And so there were lots and lots of things that were just like, Yep, this is the kind of person that like, if we go that way, it'll feel like our children have more of a connection to our fathers, which is important. So yeah, so we went down that path. And then my wife got preeclampsia at towards the end of her pregnancy. And so our, our eldest was born just after 35 weeks, but he was only do work in pounds or pounds. Yeah, you work pounds. Yeah. So he was three pound 14. Oh, wow. When he was born, that as well, perfect little miniature human. And there was nothing medically wrong with them. Wow, at all. He just needed to be born. And as soon as he came out, he started to thrive. And so the first two weeks of parenthood we spent in the hospital, fattening the little dude up, so that he was allowed to come home. And you know, and my wife had been really sick. So she struggled initially, because, you know, she was still in the hospital bed herself having treatment. And you know, he was on a different floor of the hospital in a different space. And he couldn't feed because he was so little. So we had to feed them by tube and like it was it was a really challenging first experience. Yeah. And so you know, but he he turned out great. He's, you know, perfectly healthy now. And normal, Grunty stinky, 10 year old, nearly 11 year old boy that you would expect him to be and he's nearly taller than his mother now. So he's. And then yeah, and then when we decided we wanted to have another one. It took quite a long time. I think there was a lot of trauma from that first experience for my wife. She knew I didn't want to be pregnant and like I didn't feel the need to pass my jeans on. I'm like, Look, I don't even like my jeans. Why would someone else want them? So I was like, Look, you know If you want to, if we want to have another baby, it's on you. And I'm not going to force that. But it was really important to her that we didn't have an only child. We decided we'd give it another go. And first try, she got pregnant. And he is like just a hurricane. On legs. He's incredible. But he's, he's really, so full on. And yeah, he's just a real gift. But he's a lot like my mother in law. And he, he's the only one of the grandchildren that is like her to look at. And with his mannerisms and stuff like that, as well. And he didn't meet her. He, you know, he came along a good few years after she passed. So it's real. It's a beautiful thing that we have that connection to her and yeah, and he he was also a little bit early and a little bit small. He was 5.4. But he is now he's nearly eight, and he is the size of a 12 year old. So he's he's a giant, and he just kind of he came out and just started eating and hasn't stopped. Yeah, so we have to remortgage the house to pay for the groceries. But yeah, yeah. So that's kind of in a nutshell. Yeah. Yeah. Until journey. I think the thing for me is that when we had the second child, my wife was very much like this as your child like, you're going to be the primary parent here. So there were some logistical challenges around that, obviously, you know, she was giving birth and birth is traumatic physically. And she really only planned to have six weeks off work, and then go back to work. So she went back to work five weeks post birth, because she was in hospital for a week before she had him. And I decided that it was important, it was important to both of us that he was still breastfeed. So about three months into her pregnancy, I started breastfeeding, or lactation induction regime, which was brutal. I'm not gonna lie, you know, taking all these drugs. And at six months, I had to start. Like, when she was six months pregnant, I had to start pumping off like three hourly, like, all the time, you know, like, I had to have space at work to do it. I was getting up in the middle of the night to do it. And I'm like, There's not even a fucking day. Yeah. Vacation. Yeah, it was it was really brutal process. Nobody likes their pump. No, no, you know, and we thought we had three months. So we'd worked on the theory that we were doing it in the right time. And then he was born at 37 weeks. So we had a little bit less time than we thought. So that made it challenging initially, because the milk wasn't fully in. And then my wife's milk came in, and she was like, I have this screaming baby. And I'm, like, freaking out because my boobs are going to explode. And, and I'm not feeding him. You know, like, we both had this kind of weirdness around like, once someone's nipples been in their mouth, no one else has shut until he's at least 20. Like that. And so she expressed for a little while just to kind of let her milk reduce. And so we had him on a bottle as well as breastfed for a little while because he was hungry. He was small, and he just wanted to be fed all the time. Yeah, like the journey was, it's definitely not your typical parental journey. And, you know, there's, there's beautiful parts of it, too, though, like, our eldest son has always just been really matter of fact about the fact that he has to mums. Like he's been challenged by Pete by adults, actually, more than children. They had like school photos. And one of them was like, hey, you know, what does mom do? And he was like, huh, mom goes to work in an office. And they're just like, hi, and what does dad do? And he's like, I don't have a dad. And she's like, Oh, so it's just mum. He's like, No, it's mum and mum. And then and she couldn't get her head around that and she just kept challenging him. And he was just like, I have two months. And a brother. That was it. He was like, and, you know, he's always he's never felt the need to differentiate between the two of us. He understands the biology of it. But we're really lucky that for some bizarre reason, my children actually look a lot like my nieces and nephews on my side of the family. So they fit to look at and my parents bless them have always just been that they're our grandchildren. Like, it doesn't matter how they came about their their hours, and yeah, so we're really lucky in that respect. But yeah, it's, it's a journey, like parenthood on itself is like a freaking roller coaster. But this is like going on a roller coaster backwards, as you kind of just never really sure like, what's around the corner and whether it's going to look the same as it does for everyone else, or whether it's going to be a little bit different, you know? Yeah, and having two boys feels like a weighty sort of responsibility for two women. But I think, well for us, we have a firm belief If that patriarchy must die, and that we're not by any stretch men haters, we love some of the men in our lives. And you know, we think our boys are going to be fantastic men, but it's really important to us that they grow up with a more feminine approach, then perhaps we might have been raised with if we'd been boys, you know, and we're lucky that there are other people in the world doing the same thing. And so it's not, you know, it's not frowned upon or looked at as, Are you doing something really weird or unusual? It's actually just, no, we just want them to be good people. And that requires them to have that balance of masculine and feminine and, you know, yeah, that's interesting. Like, they had to learn how to pee standing up at school, like, that wasn't something I was going to teach them, and stuff like that, you know, but apart from that, like, they just carry on and do everything, work it all out themselves. And yeah, you know, I think that makes them better rounded humans to be honest, that they they kind of have to learn through trial and error and problem solving for themselves a little bit, rather than being shown something and told this is the way that's that's a definite plus side for me around parenting with with another woman.

Danielle Bettmann:

It sounds like they're very lucky to have two moms. Yeah.

Erin Hodgson:

We think so. But yeah, we're biased.

Danielle Bettmann:

But it's often asked you the question of the episode, or the podcast, which is have you ever felt like you were failing? Motherhood?

Erin Hodgson:

Oh, every day? Every day, I do something that I'm like, dang. Is that gonna fuck them up for life? Yeah, I mean, I don't I don't think that there is a way to fail motherhood? If I'm honest, I think we feel it all the time. There is nothing that we will be harder on ourselves for other than how we raise our children, I don't think, yeah, you know, I think that a lot of conditioning around that, that we place our value in the world, based on how our children grow up. I think we underestimate the influence that the external world has on children these days. And for me, I'm like, if my children don't grow up to be awful humans who hate other people, and you know, who like want to hurt people, or do things that are really damaging, then actually, I have done everything possible to to be a good parent, and because you know, if you allowed them to just soak in what the world puts in front of them, that's the kind of person they would be, I fail a lot. My kids go to school and my youngest, he gets himself dressed to bless him. And everybody knows, like, he'll wear a sock that comes to his knee, that's bright pink, and then he'll wear a little orange ankle sock on the other side, you know, and they'll get to school. And my eldest is just absolutely hopeless at sorting himself out, and so he'll get to school, and he'll be like, I lift my drink bottle. I'm like, No, you didn't. It's in the side of your bag, I put it there. And then it's like, oh, I didn't bring my mask. I'm like, it's around your neck. You're good. And, you know, and so I think like, there are definitely times when you think that you failed them. I think that's that's the sign that you're not. If you think that you're failing them. That's the sign that you're not, because it shows that you actually really are invested in the outcome. Yeah. And you can't fail if that's the case. Right. So yeah,

Danielle Bettmann:

that's the quote right there. Just take that.

Erin Hodgson:

I'll just drop my mic on the floor. Yeah.

Danielle Bettmann:

Awesome. That's so true. That's the whole heart of the podcast. That's exactly what the I'm trying to normalize is, yeah, we all are going to have if you care, if the outcome matters to you, then of course, you're going to feel like there is reason to be concerned. And you're going to scrutinize and analyze and feel guilt for and you know, all of these residual things, but those aren't the accurate representation of what's going on, that's just like your brain, panicking over the fear of, you know, the insecurity of not having a guarantee on all these outcomes and just wanting the best and the most for your kids. Yeah, like, that's a sign of a good parent. Yeah.

Erin Hodgson:

And I think if you think that you're going to fail at parenthood, then you're buying into the message that there is failure as an option. And I don't think there is, I think every every child will grow up and feel like their parents are responsible for some good stuff and some bad stuff. I mean, that's part of the human condition. Right. And, and, yeah, I just don't see it as a like, yeah, of course, I feel like I fail all the time. But I certainly don't hold myself to account over it. And I be mortified if my wife felt that way. So you know, like any of my friends, like if they're, you know, in that same headspace, you know, I'm one of the first ones to say, Dude, look at your kids like they're incredible people. So yeah, I think it's just one of those things that we we hold ourselves to a higher standard than we should. And actually, like, our kids are great. You know,

Danielle Bettmann:

we'll be fine. They are great. Yeah, yes. Yeah. But it's much easier for someone else than it is for yourself. Always.

Erin Hodgson:

Always. Yeah. Yeah. In every area of life.

Danielle Bettmann:

Right. Yeah. So what is it? What is it like being same sex couple in New Zealand? Is there discrimination? Like, have you ever? I know, you said that there was like restrictions on adoption?

Erin Hodgson:

No, I were really lucky. I mean, there are some restrictions, we're getting better. And the longer that we have a government, like the one we have at the moment than the better it will get. But you know, I mean, we, we've had to navigate the health system, we've had to navigate the education system. You know, we've navigated like family, and community and all of those things. And I can honestly say, there's never really been a point where I've felt different in my parenting to any of my friends. The health system has always been really great. As soon as you say, I know, you know, they're like, oh, what does dad do? I'm like, oh, no, he has to mums. Immediately, they start referring to mum, good rather than dead. That education system, they're like, We know that mum might be interested, like Father's Day, know that we always get we always get happy Father's Day, Mom, thanks for being awesome kind of card. And Mother's Day, there's always two gifts instead of one. Yeah, so like, we're just really blessed that we have grown in a space. And you know, our local community, while it's quite small, seems to attract same sex couples, there's about four of us in the local community. So even very cool, like our kids go to school with other kids who have two moms. And so that's a real blessing as well, because they just see it as normal. And that's how I want them to see it. Like it's not, it's not abnormal. It's just part of, you know, like some, some children are blessed to have two moms, some children are blessed to have a mom and dad, some are blessed to just have a mum or to have grandparents or whatever. As long as their loved. It doesn't really matter who lives in their home. And that's that's something that I think, as a society here in New Zealand, we did definitely getting better with that. There's still obviously room for improvement. But it's it's nice, like where we're married legally. We are in a home together, we have children together like yeah, we're just ordinary people who happen to both be women. I think

Danielle Bettmann:

it's an it's such a privilege. Yeah, to feel normal.

Erin Hodgson:

Oh, yeah, totally. And, you know, we look at it now. And we feel really blessed that, like, we've got friends who their children don't even come out anymore, right? They're just like, oh, yeah, this is my girlfriend cool. Like, they just come home and just introduced the girlfriend, like, they don't even need to say what actually are like girls, or, you know, and there's such fluidity around that now. And it's just not even really a thing. And I think that's, that's the big change that we've seen in our lifetimes is when we, you know, when we were that age, it was huge. Like, it was the kind of thing that made us feel like maybe we were better off not even being here. And then to get to the stage now, where we're like, actually, we couldn't care less if our kids came home, when in fact, sometimes I would rather they bring home a boy, because at least I know, there's not going to be any grandkids before I'm ready for it. Right. So, you know, like, I just think it's, it's one of those things where the more that we open about the fact that we are just living a normal life, like, I still spend most of my day picking up laundry off the floor, doing the dishes, preparing dinner, for most kids who won't eat it. Like, you know, like, I still, I still have to worry about paying the bills and going to the grocery store, and all of those things. Like none of that changes. You know, that's just that's part of life. And I think the more that people understand that, the less there is to fear about it. And I think the fear is what drives that division. Yeah, just, you know, don't be afraid of us. Yeah, we're not going to try and convert you. Like, we just we're happy living our lives and, and nothing about that is different, you know, like, yeah, we're in a happy, monogamous, long term relationship. That's, that's just part of how we how we live, you know?

Danielle Bettmann:

Yeah. Yeah. I love the idea of of kids not having to come out. Because that that has changed so much in 20 years, I think is such a gift to humanity of like the, you know, hope for the future.

Erin Hodgson:

Yeah. Even just the I think the acceptance of fluidity in terms of identity is really cool, because it allows kids to experiment so much more with who they want to be in the world. And you know, I'm a big believer and how we be as Much more important than what we do. And I think, you know, that probably comes for me from a little bit of trauma around how I was in the world when I was younger. But I think now there's so much more freedom to choose how you want to be in the world, and what you want to put out into the world in terms of your identity, that that can only be a good thing for humanity, it can only be a good thing for the society that we're, you know, trying to shift the paradigm around some of that those toxic behaviors. Yeah, so like, I'm really grateful that my children are growing up now. I'm glad they they're not growing up. Not that not that our parents did a bad job. Like, that's not what this is saying. It's just that, you know, we have to continue to evolve as a society. And I think that's a big, big part of it is that, I don't know if you're into astrology, but if you ever look into Pluto, and where that is in your chart, like Pluto moves really slowly, and it has like big long periods, like 1012 years of being in one sign. And so my generation, which is pretty much the sort of early 70s to the mid 80s, is very much like we are Libra and Pluto. So we've read all about being fear, we want the society to be fear, we we, you know, we desire equality and that kind of thing, the next group along, or something completely different, but the children that we're raising, they are the ones who are just basically like finger up to the world, like, we're just gonna do it our way and screw you and everything that you came in on. And I love that for them, because the freedom that comes with it is just incredible. Yeah. And, you know, it's like, every generation kind of takes what they've inherited and improves it and their way and, and we have to be forgiving to the parents that came before us who didn't do it our way. But we also then have to be like really forgiving of the children who are coming up behind us and saying, Actually, we're going to do it our way. And that's not because they don't respect us, is because they respect us enough to not try and redo what we did. Right? And so that's, that's really cool to see that actually, society is going to change more and more and more, and we're gonna get deeply uncomfortable with it. Yeah. But that's kind of how life goes. And if you don't get that they're not doing their job. Right. And we didn't do our job, right. Yeah. So

Danielle Bettmann:

yeah, it's really cool. And I read something the other day that said, like, you know, as a millennial, I feel like my parents prepared me for a world that no longer exists. And how true is that for every generation? Because we're just trying to be like, well, here's what I know. And here's what you know, you should probably know. And then the world changes so rapidly, especially with technology, and just all of the like, major, major crises and things that have happened in the last 20 years. Like the world is not the same world that it was 20 years ago. So yeah, as a parent, that's very hard to navigate, because you're like, Well, I don't even know what I don't know. And I don't even know what I need to tell you or like who you're going to be or what's going to be relevant for like the world that I need to prepare you for. So I think like, I think, how do you handle that?

Erin Hodgson:

A good parent, though, right? Like a good parent doesn't try and tell their child how to be or what to do. They say, Hey, I actually don't know what you're going to face. But let's face it together, love that, like whatever you do, I'll stand next to you. Yes, right, I'll hold space for you to fall apart. I'll be there. unpicking it all with you, I'll work out, you know, I'll do the labor that you need me to do to put it all back together. And I think that's really what good parenting is about. We can't tell them what the world is going to be. We can't imagine it and the world that they're going to have and inherit from us is not even thought of yet, right? So all we can do is prepare them with the tools to navigate whatever comes up. And the resilience to say actually, I know that if everything falls apart, I'm brave enough. I'm bold enough. I'm big enough in the world, that I can make it whatever I need it to be and that I can be successful no matter what it looks like, because success is what I determine it to be. Not what someone else tells me it is. Yeah, right. Yeah. And when we go into that space and and be prepared to stand in that shit with them and say actually, like, it doesn't matter what comes. I always have your back. You can't ask for more than that. As a parent. Yes. And you can't give more than that as a parent. Yeah. Like that's all they need from us, you know? Yeah. So that's, that's my take.

Danielle Bettmann:

Yeah. And that for that full acceptance of like, I love you. Be you Yeah, gonna be great. I'll celebrate you like I'm the biggest fan of you. Yeah, yes like that. That completely unconditional acceptance, because then that places that value in themselves of how they see themselves. And so then they can give that to other Yeah, yeah. Then they can go. And they can see that inherent value in every other human because it was placed in them first. Yeah. And again, that's there's nothing more powerful.

Erin Hodgson:

Exactly. And now conversations full circle, right? Yeah, totally. Because now we're back to that, like, that's how we're going out into the world. Yes. Is some is going out there and just being being prepared to give them the tools to say, actually, you can navigate anything. Yeah. Like, there is nothing in this world that can stop you except you. So as long as you have full faith in yourself, and that is my job, as your parent is to give you that, as long as you have that, you're going to go out and do great things. And and that's all the world needs from you. Yeah. So yeah, go forth and prosper, right.

Danielle Bettmann:

Oh, my gosh, your your boys are so lucky to have you. Thank you. I feel like I could I could talk to you all day.

Erin Hodgson:

I'm gonna record that. And I'm gonna leave it to them so that they understand.

Danielle Bettmann:

Yeah, and I'm a parenting coach. So I mean, that really says a lot, right? Like,

Erin Hodgson:

yeah, yeah. Yeah, I might even frame it and put it on the wall.

Danielle Bettmann:

Yeah, yeah. Well, as we wrap up, share a little bit more about what you do right now, and how listeners could connect with you offline if they wanted to do that.

Erin Hodgson:

Cool. So I'm a self worth mentor, and a spiritual healer. I'm a psychic medium. So I work in partnership with a very, very good friend. And awakening, the wise woman is the name of our business, and we're all about supporting women to kind of embrace their own wisdom and, and reconnect with who they really are, and, and what they stand for. So that they can go out into the world and make a meaningful contribution. And, you know, I'm obviously a psychic mediums I'm very woowoo, I'm very spiritual. And I connect very much with the energies of the universe, and all of that kind of stuff. But, you know, Ellie is a qualified coach. So we have both aspects of humaneness and spiritual self. And so awakening the wise woman.com is where you can find me most of the time. And, yeah, it's a real gift to be able to do that with women who are trying to, you know, navigate motherhood and all of that sort of thing as well. So, so what I do,

Danielle Bettmann:

yeah, yeah, what, what links do you see between your work and how your clients, how it affects their parenting?

Erin Hodgson:

I think like, the thing is, when we when we know what our own core values are, when we really get clear on on who we are, and, and what we stand for, like what we are prepared to stand on the hill and say, this is the thing that I cannot be moved from, that allows us to then use that information to navigate parenting. So as an example, one of my big core values is connection. Right? I firmly believe that part of the problem with humans is that we've stopped connecting with each other on a deeper level than Hi, how are you going? How's the weather. And so, connection is really important for me. And so that's part of my parenting, I make sure that I connect with my children regularly, I offer them opportunities to connect with their friends regularly. And I instill in them the value that actually connecting with other people is, is part of how we make the world a better place to be. And so knowing that about myself, I can lead with that in my parenting. And so yeah, like when we know what we are prepared to stand for, and what we are prepared to do. We were bigger, and we're braver, and we're bolder in the world, we have more clarity and confidence. And all of those things, I think, when we can model those for our children, enable them to step into those roles when they're ready, and actually do their thing and make their contribution. And there's nothing that I want more for my children, then for them to live a purposeful, meaningful life, and to feel like they have space in the world where they matter. And so that's very much where the link I think comes from, we work with women, we predominantly work with women who appearance. And that's, that's a big part of what we do.

Danielle Bettmann:

I love that makes so much sense. That's one thing I do with my clients is, you know, finding your family's core values. Yeah, and your, you know, culture of your home and things because how can you embody that and teach that and instill that without identifying it in the first place? Yeah, stepping into that and yeah, so underrated.

Erin Hodgson:

And it's so interesting, how much of that we take on from society without really testing whether it's true for us or not. And I think that's something that we do a lot of, obviously, you know, I've got the spiritual aspects of that and the energetic aspects of that, but connecting with intuition and natural cycles and all of that sort of stuff and chain changing the way that we live allows us to embody that and a much deeper level. And and that kind of transformation is so important, especially for women, I think in this sort of 35 to 50 bracket, when they're like, Okay, I've had the children, and I've got the husband and wife, and I've got the life and I've got the house and all of the things. But I feel like there's more that I want. And I feel really guilty that I want it Oh, yeah. Right. And so it's about saying, Actually, you don't have to feel guilty because there is more. What you are in the world isn't the sum of all of the roles that you play? What you are in the world is you? And that deserves space, too. And we don't give it to us. Yeah. So yeah, it's really, really important. And I love the fact that there are people like you, helping women feel more empowered in the space of parenting, because I think that's the one space, like I said, that we hold ourselves to account the most. And the standard is so high and possibly, yes, that, like we set ourselves up to fail all the time. Right.

Danielle Bettmann:

Exactly. And again, for full circle with the with the podcast.

Erin Hodgson:

Exactly, exactly.

Danielle Bettmann:

Okay, well, now I have to grill you on the last question, the question I ask every guest that comes on, and you've been thinking about in the back of your head this whole time? How are you? Yeah, mom that your kids need?

Erin Hodgson:

I'm not I'm so not my wife probably is more than I am. You know, I said to you before, I think I'm not the mother that they need, but they're for sure the children that I need. I learned so much from my children every single day, my eldest is the most incredible, like, he's just so conscious of energy and, and spirituality, and like he hid from a really young age, took himself off to meditate and bring himself back into his body. And, like, I learned so much about that stuff from him. And then my younger son is just he's so curious about the world. And he wants to experience so many things. And he's a Scorpio. So his emotions are like arm's length from his body all the time. And they're so big. And that gives me permission to explore my own emotions and things. And I just, I had a friend who said to me once that the only, like, you only ever get given the children that you can handle. And I think there's, there's some truth in that. But I think we have to learn so much in order for that to be true. Yeah. And so we have to just go into it with the willingness to explore who we are and who they are, and how, like how we can learn from them and be better people because of them. So I'm not sure that I'm the parent that they need all the time. I make mistakes all the time. And they're freely tell me, but they are definitely the children that I needed to be a better person and to be a better woman. And yeah, I couldn't ask for more from my children than what I get from them because they're loving, wise, compassionate, little human beings who contribute to the world in ways that I couldn't even perceive before they came along. So cool. Yeah, it's such a blessing. Yeah, it's such a blessing, but

Danielle Bettmann:

I've ventured about that you become even more of the parent they need one day at a time. Oh, you

Erin Hodgson:

know, yeah, by the time they're 40, they'll probably be like, Yeah, you're the parent. I

Danielle Bettmann:

need the one I needed. 30 years ago in another

Erin Hodgson:

country. I'm like, miles away. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Or, you know, when they when they when they have the grandkids, and they're like, I just need you to look after them for like a week. They normally the parent that they need. But um, yeah, yeah, I don't I don't know if our children really ever think about what they need from us. Yeah. They just kind of expect that it's there. They just have their person. And yeah, so yeah, I one day I might get there. We'll see. But thanks.

Danielle Bettmann:

Thank you again, for taking the time. Thank you. Being honest, vulnerable and sharing your story. It's just so beautiful and needed. And now, you know, when I come visit New Zealand, we'll meet up if you you know, swing around Nebraska and your world tour, let me know. We'll meet up and our kids will play.

Erin Hodgson:

Yeah, well, we'll get close. We'll get close. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Thanks again. And you know, who knows, we might even meet up in Paris sometime that we could do that. Let's Yeah, that sounds like sounds like a lot of fun. Yes.

Danielle Bettmann:

Okay. Perfect.

Erin Hodgson:

Yeah, but thank you so much for the invite and for the great conversation. I appreciate what you're doing and, and being part of it. Thank you.

Danielle Bettmann:

Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of failing motherhood. Your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now and share it in your Instagram stories and tag me. If you're loving the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help are moms know they're not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood on a daily basis. And if you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong willed child and invest in the support you need to make it happen. Schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on