Failing Motherhood

The #1 Belief Holding You Back [mini-series part 5 of 5]

January 03, 2023 Danielle Bettmann | Parenting Mentor - Wholeheartedly Episode 87
Failing Motherhood
The #1 Belief Holding You Back [mini-series part 5 of 5]
Show Notes Transcript

Ever felt judged, misunderstood, let down or alone... even WITH some supportive friends or family?

To sum up this mini-series, I'm diving into the most damaging, self-sabotaging misconception Worrying Warriors believe that holds them back from having the relationships + home they truly desire!

This week, I share what the belief is, why you might feel like there's no other option, and what to do if you relate!


  • The 4 unintended consequences that occur when you hold this belief
  • Why courses + books make you feel worse + not better
  • The 3 experiences that CHANGED me + my life


  • The HOPE in knowing you're NOT alone
  • How to let go of this belief for good in 2023!

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Danielle Bettmann:

Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood I mean? Have too much anxiety, Not enough patience? Too much yelling, not enough play? There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right. This is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you...You feel like you're screwing everything up, and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud... This podcast is for you. This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann. And each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real. Sharing her insecurities, her fears, your failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough. And you're not alone. I hope you pop in earbuds somehow sneak away and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend. We're so glad you're here. Hey, it's Danielle. Happy New Year, we are here celebrating the final episode of this mini-series. And if you have held on, have you listened in real time, how do you have the time? It's the weirdest, craziest time of year. And I'm so grateful, it has been really, really fun actually to create each of these episodes in real time each week and be able to feel really connected to you through this. So thank you for being here, and for listening. And I hope that you have found it really valuable and insightful. That is my goal. So today, we are going to dive into the worst belief that almost all worrying warriors hold. And Worrying Warriors is a mouthful. And those are the families that I come alongside and help because I was one myself, they are the ones raising strong-willed kids doing the hard thing every single day, guilty and worried and anxious about it because they care and feeling so defeated by their child's behavior. So these are the families I support. And I'm so grateful to know. So if that sounds like you, I have a treat for you in store today. And the belief is "I can do this on my own". Which is so understandable. Especially if you live in America. This is how our society is wired. This is all we've ever known. You're praised based on your level of productivity and self sufficiency. So of course, this would translate to parenting. Worrying Warriors know, hypothetically, it would be nice to have a village. But they either don't have one at all, or the thought of even having one could be terrifying. Because that would require honesty, vulnerability, and sharing things that are quite personal. So they hold it in, and they keep to themselves. And they believe "I can do this on my own". I've got this. They've likely had situations within their own family where they have been judged, or criticized, or loved ones have talked about them and their parenting behind their backs. So surely, if they can't trust them to have their back, they can't possibly open up to and trust complete strangers. Sound familiar? Now what this productivity and self sufficiency based culture creates is several unintended consequences. Let's dive into those. Number one, likely when they're doing it on their own, their individual growth is outpacing their partner's causing a divide. Now I know that that's true in my house. And I know that that's true in a lot of my clients houses when they reach out to me, because our exposure and our algorithms and our news feeds and our conversations with friends or other families are different than our partners. And our ability to, capacity to, an interest in self growth and development is on different playing fields or different levels. So of course, there's going to begin to be a divide and a gap between where one partner is and one partner isn't. And that's really hard, because then it ends up feeling very unbalanced; feels like nagging and criticizing; feels like dragging and pulling along the other. And if that sounds like anything about how you've been trying to enlighten your partner or bring them along in your parenting, then you are not alone. Oh, that is one of the consequences of this idea. Number two, it's not working. And it hasn't been for a while. The mentality of "I can do this on my own" is just not how it was designed to be. We were designed to have a village. Raising children is never meant to be an isolated process of children knowing no more than two loving adults that care for them. That's just not even good for their development. And it doesn't work. Right? We have to parent while sick, parent while working full time, parent in a pandemic, and homeschool, we have to parent through everything else that we have going on in our personal lives. It's nearly impossible. And that burnout is so real. I was trying to remember the last time that we had a babysitter and our kids are older and much more even self sufficient, but because we don't have family in town, and because babysitters cost a lot of money. It hasn't been since my parents were in town nine months ago. So yeah, it's not working. And it's really hard. And it's likely been that way for your family for a while. Number three, if you are subscribing to this belief of I can do this on my own, you will likely have found ways to try to do it on your own and learn and grow as a parent. And maybe the has looked like buying parenting books for you, or subscribing to memberships or, or downloading self paced courses online. And they end up going unfinished because life because of course, right? You may have a stack of books on your nightstand that you fully intend to read like I do. Or you might have books just collecting that virtual dust on your computer. Because when is that actually going to be the most urgent thing that you have all this free time for? If it's not happening now and hasn't happened? It probably won't. But the thought of the money that you've invested into those things, the sunk cost the the book staring at you on the nightstand that compiles the feeling of guilt and shame, because surely, you should know better by now, surely you should have this figured out? Surely you have saved a post on this somewhere and read about this. So why aren't you being able to do it in the moment that makes you feel even worse, not better having those resources. And number four, the last unintended consequence is that you're learning parenting in a way that in no other role in life, are you meant to learn in this way? What I mean by that is, you would never get a college education, or go through an orientation at a new job, or even thrive in a volunteer role, with the amount of training in the way that you are trying to learn how to be a good parent. Right? That's just not how this works. It's not how you're set up for success. You're not meant to just be thrown into it and then be winging it throwing spaghetti at a wall and then haphazardly throw together bits and pieces of tips and tricks along the way that are super generalized and contradictory. And somehow pieced together a assemblance of a plan that works for your kids in your home, based off your goals and your values, and your capacity. That's just not how that works, unfortunately. But that's what we end up believing when we subscribe to this idea, "I can do this on my own". And the unfortunate reality for most of us is we are surrounded passively by family or you know, you're deployed or you're far away from family. And so you're not, or you have friends that are all in the same stage of life as you and we expect to feel supported by them. They will become our village, I'll have you know, a bunch of besties or neighbors and you know, maybe even brothers and sisters in law and we got this. And unfortunately, the reality is those family and friends are not able to support us in the ways we truly need and deserve. Because either a they are in the same stage of life, they're just as tapped out in their capacity to serve as you are. Or they just don't get it because they don't have super super challenging kids like you do. And the disconnect is just real and the suggestions they have are just very superficial and you just don't feel like you're able to really relate or even worse, you feel let down misunderstood and alone by the people that you are physically around. Because those family members will possibly scrutinize or criticize or question your parenting because surely, all Jimmy is is a good spanking, and you wouldn't have this behavior what is happening. And so we feel so stuck, and so defeated. I hope that you Well, I hope that you don't relate to this. But I know that the reality is you probably do, and know that you're not alone and know that nothing is wrong with you, and nothing has gone wrong, this is just the reality, I am painting the picture of reality for you so that you can see that it is so much bigger than you and your family. And while that is a little bit discouraging, I have a lot more hope to give in a second here. But just know that we are your people, and we are there alongside you. So the unfortunate reality is, we're not feeling supported in the ways that we hope to or thought we would be or deserve to be. But in reality, what I want you to understand is that the most powerful feeling of being supported actually comes in the community of like minded strangers, Complete strangers you would never meet otherwise, who actually get it, who have been there, done that and got the t-shirt with you, strangers who commiserate and vent with you, and celebrate the heck out of your progress and wins. Because they have committed to the very same goals alongside you. They are opening up right alongside you. My first experience with this was a moms group when my daughters were 15 months and like a newborn. And I was so scared because I didn't think that they were going to relate at all. And they were just talking about all the books they were reading. And I'm like, How in the world are you having time for books right now, my life is falling apart. And when I went first and opened up, I realized, oh, okay, they don't actually all have it all together. And they're not actually Instagram, Pinterest perfect. And I can feel like I belong here. And that was my first step into really understanding the transformation I was going through by becoming a mom. My most powerful transformation came from enlisting in the support group of families for alcoholics. That was so scary, so scary, I thought it was gonna be like the movies. And you know, you're sitting around in a circle of folding chairs, and you know, saying your name and it is. But I found this group of like, all 60 and older, lovely grandma, ladies that were so happy to just come alongside me and I could be silent the whole time. I could share, I could cry, I could just know that every week I can come back to the same group, and feel accepted and feel like I belonged and feel like I could truly come to people with questions that only they knew the answers to. And it saved my sanity. And it truly saved my marriage in a lot of ways. And now, twice now I've signed up for a group coaching program with coaches and business owners all around the world, most of them outside the US. And there has been nothing like having those women business owners to come to with questions. 100% unapologetically, knowing not only will I not be judged for my question, but I will be so supported, and get tangible individualized feedback and advice. That is exactly what I need for this stage in my business right now. So if you have resonated with any of this, and if you struggle with this idea of "I can do this on my own". I'm afraid to open up to others. I'm embarrassed by how bad things are in my house. I would hate for others to know the things that I say or the ways that I yell or how bedtime went at my house last night. I'm scared that you know my marriage is getting to a unrecognizable place my identity and who I am showing up as is unrecognizable at this point. I want you to know that if you trust this process, if you find a group of strangers that get it and get you your home will be unrecognizable in the best way Three months from now, six months from now a year from now, and it will stay that way. Because the change that happens in a container with strangers that support you in a way that family and friends can only even not even fathom or imagine. You change as a result, it's absolutely transformational. And there is no other way to describe it. But you will continue to stay stuck and self sabotage and limit your kids and your family from experiencing the relationships that you could and the home life that you could in the culture in your home that you could. That is absolutely available to you, if you continue to subscribe to that belief of I can do this on my own. And I beg you, I cannot let you do that any longer. It is 2023. Yes, the internet is there. We have even have this new chat GPT thing where AI is like completely taking over the world and doing things we couldn't even imagine. But those resources, if you continue to say, I will do this on my own will limit your ability to become the parent that you want to be have relationship with your child do you want to be have the toolkit, you that you want to have have the relationship of being on the same page, all of that will stay stuck with you. And in 2023, I really hope that you can open your eyes, open your heart to just even the possibility that help is on the way and that support is available. And it's possible to feel completely supported in a way that you have not experienced yet. But it's out there. And it's amazing. And I want it for you. I really, really do. So if you are a worrying warrior, I know that you want kids who listen, I want I know you want your sanity intact. I know you want to be doing the right thing to set your child up for success. I know you want to coach your child through their big emotions and try to defuse them as much as possible. I know that you stay awake every night thinking about your kids as teenagers, and wanting to have open honest communication with them and trust built up by then and knowing that you're probably not not on the trajectory to get there. And that worries you now. And you just want your child to thrive as an adult and be happy. If you want those things, that is exactly what the unapologetic parent has. Peaceful mornings to get to wherever you need to get to on time, playful bedtimes talking stuffed animals laughing rather than yelling, a capacity for days and a plan to support her. She looks forward to spending time with her strong-willed child. She has peace of mind, confidence in her toolkit of scripts and strategies at hand. She's able to let the little things go and never let criticism of her parenting get to her. She feels good about the next big step, whether that's having another child, leaving her kids with a babysitter deciding to homeschool, deciding to move abroad, or start her own business or go back to work. That is what it looks like to parent unapologetically. And I want you to know that that's possible. Especially when you enlisted in the support of having a person and a mentor come alongside you that knows you and knows your child and knows your goals. And it's even more possible when you have not only that plan and that person, but you have people alongside you on that journey with you cheering you on. Giving you high fives picking you up on your down, holding you accountable, building that momentum alongside you and feeling supported like never before. And that is what you experience in Wholeheartedly CALM, my group coaching program for parents of strong-willed kids that want to have way more patience and way less threats and bribes. So if that even feels at all, like it's probably meant for you, then I really really want you to reach out and apply. Share more info about your family. And if I know for sure that I have the tools that can help you, I'll reach out. We'll talk over zoom. I'll answer all your questions. We'll go through all the way logistics of payment plan options, timing, and you know whether or not it's really the best fit for you and your family now or later, or if I'm the right resource for you now or later. And there's no obligation for doing that research, your kids would be so lucky to have you being willing to reach out and do that scary thing of having that conversation with a stranger that just shows how much is matters to you, and how much you care about your kids. So go to And just answer a few questions. And then we'll take it from there. And I know that 2023 is going to be your year to turn things around, and to feel so proud of yourself. You're no longer going to do this alone. Okay, we're going to do this together. All right. Happy New Year. So, so, so grateful to have you here. And I can't wait to connect with you on the other side of that application. Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of Failing Motherhood. Your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now and share it in your Instagram stories and tag me. If you're loving the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help more moms know they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood on a daily basis. And if you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong willed child, and invest in the support you need to make it happen. Schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on