Failing Motherhood

The KEY to COOPERATION with a strong-willed child

February 14, 2023 Danielle Bettmann | Parenting Coach for Strong-Willed Kids Episode 93
Failing Motherhood
The KEY to COOPERATION with a strong-willed child
Show Notes Transcript

I've talked a lot about what DOESN'T work for strong-willed kids, and today we're talking all about what DOES!

SKIP this episode if you do not have a strong-willed child. 
Not sure?  I break it down at the beginning!


  • How you know FOR SURE if you're the parent of a strong-willed child
  • Why you haven't been able to implement the tips you've learned other places
  • The METHOD to my MADNESS!


  • Valuable insight we can learn from hostage negotiators!


IG: @parent_wholeheartedly

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Danielle Bettmann:

Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood I mean? Have too much anxiety... not enough patience. Too much yelling...not enough play. There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right. This is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you. You feel like you're screwing everything up, and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud. This podcast is for you. This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann. And each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real. Sharing her insecurities, her fears, your failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough. And you're not alone. I hope you pop in earbuds, somehow sneak away and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend, we're so glad you're here. Okay, I'm doing three things at once. Right now I am recording for the podcast, I am on Facebook and I am on Instagram. I am super excited to dive in because we're going to do a recap. You can totally turn this off. If this does not apply to you. First, we're going to do the qualifiers. Who is a strong-willed child? How do you know you're the parent of a strong-willed child? And what do you do about it? Right? What are you missing? What do you need to get that thing we all want in our house? The piece de resistance, cooperation, true cooperation? That's what we're looking for here. So I'm going to dive in to the pre qualifying questions first. Okay, so tell me if this is you. A strong willed child has high highs and low lows, and no in between. They know exactly what they want. And they you will not change their mind. They are very perceptive, and observant and sensitive and smart. punishments and rewards just don't really do anything for them. They double down on it or telling them to hurry up means nothing. You find yourself negotiating for every simple care task over and over. Like we've done this for years now. And you find yourself walking on eggshells, not sure what new tiny little thing is going to start off the fireworks. So it feels like you're held hostage in your own home. everyone's lives are on their terms, including siblings, which you feel like is not fair. Or they're quickly learning from them and following through your their footsteps, which kind of freaks you out. You know you are the parent of a strong willed child. If you want kids who listen. Right? If you want to have your sanity intact, if you want to know that you're doing the right thing to set your child up for success. If you want to know how to coach through and manage and defuse their big emotions, if you desire to have an open, honest relationship with them, and they're a teenager, and you want them to thrive as an adult. But they are relentless and exhausting. And you're experiencing outbursts up to several times a day, yours and theirs. You've invested in therapy, parenting books, listen to all the podcasts during the course. But instead of feeling more confident, you feel worse. Because you feel like you should know what to do or you should have gotten into all those tools by now. You may have discovered gentle parenting and your child is not gentle child thing. So you're dealing with a child who is defiantly yelling no back to you. Even though you're trying to be nice and be all Mary Poppins. And they're throwing themselves down in tantrums, you're arguing and negotiating at every turn. They can be super sweet and loving, and downright jealous, angry and mean. And you feel like you're failing. And you feel like they clearly must need someone that's not you because they're the worst with you. You're over it. Because you try so hard to stay calm but everything is a battle. And you're dealing with fits of rage, right? This is not just like a kid that's like oh jelly on the floor. And you're suffering silently because you don't feel like anybody rule late. And when you do ask for help you get ill advised advice. So you're you have a short fuse. You feel the shame and you feel like a failure. Does that sound like you at all? Did I describe your house or your kids? If I did, then you are my people and you are who I created the solution for you You are the parents I have been working with for the last four years, and developed this specific methodology for and using this methodology which I'll get into in a second the method to my madness, in three months or less. You can have peaceful mornings, playful bedtimes, more days than not peace of mind and confidence and a full toolkit of scripts and strategies. Self Compassion for one's never letting criticism of your parenting get to you. A new kid that goes days without a meltdown, the support to fully integrate and implement everything that you intend to, and a close relationship with your kid for years to come. Now, Wholeheartedly CALM, I'm sure you've heard me mention it before. It is the unique premium group coaching program where defeated parents find validation, support, proven techniques to parent their strong-willed kids with composure, connection, confidence and cooperation. And there's actually a science that I have created that engineers those outcomes, and that's what I'm going to get into here. So in my free training, Authentic and Unapologetic, that is where I introduced this Wholehearted Method. I have personally developed this method over three years, just coming alongside one family at a time and saying what's going on? And how can I help and figuring out what works, figuring out creating tools for them, and patching things up along the way that has brought me here. And these families have trusted me to come alongside them and refine this process to take them from one of anxiety and guilt and defeat to one of pride and patience and wholehearted calm. So let me give you the overview of how this works. The first pillar is communication. Communication includes all of the ways that you speak to your child that make up to the delivery system of your parenting, and your discipline and your teaching over time. I teach specific scripts that are grounded in positive discipline that allow you to be both kind and firm in the same sentence. And this is critical because I talk a lot about how you feel like you're held hostage in your own home. There's actually scripts that are taught by Navy SEALs in hostage negotiations that are critical to parenting a strong-willed child. And this is not a joke. This is for real. So if you had everything on the line, as a hostage negotiator, do you feel like you would need to level up your expertise in how to handle the emotions of the other person really reiterating that you hear them and understand them, and being able to deliver your your agenda or your thoughts in a way that makes sure that you're getting through to them. Obviously, that's a huge importance. So this is not just flippantly throwing out the first thing that comes to mind and tumbles out of your mouth. This is a lot more intentional and strategic. And it works, which is the whole idea. Right? Then the second pillar is core needs. This is the missing piece of all the other courses and programs out there. core needs includes meeting and reinforcing your strong-willed child's perception of security, control, love and belonging. Because power, and control and attention and connection are their love languages. This work that we do in this area improves behavior significantly, without any discipline to speak of. Because it's not happening in that moment, when you have the least influence right after the behavior occurs. It's happening in all of the other neutral moments that you can maximize how much you get through to them. And you're leveraging your influence in ways that mean the most to them. And you can maximize that. And it makes a huge difference. And this is not down to the circumstances, this is down to their perception, which is why it's critical to get into the specifics of the structure behind it and not just the big idea. And I give you every bit of tweaking and troubleshooting along the way so that you have the recipe and then you make it yours for your family. So when you put those two things together, communication and core needs, you create connection with your child, because you're speaking to them in a way that they understand. You're making them feel seen and known and understood. And you're understanding their behavior and a language that you understand as well. I We'd like to say that I'm a translator. I'm making them make sense to you and you make sense to them. Connection is the foundation for an influential relationship over time. The strength of your connection determines the level of influence you have. For years and years and years to come. If you don't have influence, what do you have as a parent, right? So parenting is a relationship. If we don't heal that piece of it, and we don't have that piece of it, we don't have anything we have north, no Florida stand on. Okay, so those are the two big pillars. The third pillar of this three prong method is composure, a parent's ability to process stress, rewire their mindset, and find ways to cope under pressure. This work is the prerequisite for all the others to take hold. Sanity comes before strategies. Have you ever learned something as a tip or trick on social media, and then not been able to do it in the moment that conscious awareness is not even accessible, if you're only seeing read, and you're in fight or flight mode. And if you were trying to parent differently than you were parented, then not only are you trying to learn new things, but you are trying to override your instincts and you're trying to recondition your brain to think differently and react differently. This cannot happen in random, offhand little bits of time. This takes commitment. And this takes an investment, to be able to actually give it to the effort that it needs to pay off long term. So when you put quarantines and composure together, you create clarity, you finally realize and take control of what you can control and feel really good about it. So then you can let the little things go and not take them personally and have the ability to truly create the relationship you desire with your child. And when you combine composure and communication, you create confidence. you're armed with the toolkit, you need to truly feel like you can handle whatever your child throws your way. You have the flow chart, you have the Rolodex of things, you don't get to that place of immediate desperation, where your backs against the wall and you feel threatened and under attack. So you panic as a parent, no, you always have something else you can try. yourself can self-concept is solidified. And you stop using your child's behavior as your report card. Relying on external validation to know how you're doing as a parent, you're truly free. And if you miss out on any one of these things, you miss out on the big thing in the middle that finally comes when all of these moving pieces are working. And that is cooperation. True cooperation isn't available without addressing each of these three components. That is cooperation without coercion, cooperation without threats and bribes, cooperation without crashing their spirit out of them. Cooperation without relying on external motivation that leaves them hollow inside. Cooperation without losing your mind, or losing your identity, ruminating over every decision, and not having grace or compassion for your child or yourself. True cooperation isn't available without addressing each of these three components, then, and only then do you see your child's behavior change as a result. It's the process of cultivating cooperation by taking control over what you can control as the parent and it trickles down and overflows to the outcomes. You're finally looking for ease and flow and peace and joy and fun. So if you have read a book, listen to podcast episodes, even bought a course, I guarantee it was not comprehensive enough. It only addressed one of these pieces. It might have talked about strategies without sanity first. It may have talked about sanity and deep breathing without telling you what to do to get your child to do the thing you need them to do. Right It may have talked about discipline without whatever is the deeper root of the problem, or the message that that your child's behavior is trying to send being solved for. So therefore, it's just playing whack a mole and vicious cycle continues tomorrow. So my Wholehearted Method is comprehensive, and has all the pieces addressed in a extremely expertly designed way to work from laying a foundation to building prerequisites along the way, so that each week builds on the last. And you're welcome to do this work with me, as a single parent, as the only one going through it from your family, or right alongside your partner, you're welcome to do this work if your strong willed child is neurodivergent. Because it's even more critical to offer them the structure and support that they need and to and do the work on yourself to actually be able to be the calm in their storm. If that's the case, you're invited to do this work if you are just beginning your path of discovering what positive parenting even is, compared to how you were parented. You're welcome to do this work with me if you have stars, and accolades from everything else, you've gone to therapy, read 10 parenting books, and graduated from three other programs. You are also invited to do this work with me if your child's behavior is not really a problem. And you feel like you are the problem because you have such a short fuse. And you really want to work on yourself. Or your child's behavior is a huge problem. And it's permeating every aspect of your life. It's affecting your mental health, it's affecting your marriage, it's affecting siblings, and maybe even school. It's rare if it affects school for strong-willed kids, but it does happen. So if you are looking for peaceful mornings, playful bedtime, so much more play and fun, and looking forward to playing with your strong-willed child, liking them again, because I know you love them. But actually just liking them again, having a plan and a person that gets you and your family and knows what the things are that make you unique that you need to problem solve through maybe yeah, that you have an Au Pair maybe that you have a specific care routine that is different for most families, giving you peace of mind and confidence and a toolkit of strategies, letting the little things go, and not letting criticism get to you. Feeling good about having more kids, or leaving them with a babysitter to prioritize your marriage. Hello Valentine's Day, deciding to homeschool on feeling confident in it. Deciding that you can move abroad or start a business or excel in your career. Without you're living in your child's world dominating that decision for you. If you are ready to just learn more, the first step I recommend for everyone is to watch that free training called authentic and unapologetic, that I highly, highly recommend you watch with your partner so that they understand who I am and the work that I do, and they get to hear this alongside you. And then when you're ready for your next step, you can apply. It's super simple, just a couple of questions at And that lets me know that I can look through things and then I can assure you that I can help and that your family would be a great addition to our super close knit community. Because I protect the heck out of it. Because I want to make sure that every parent knows that they're super, super safe to be themselves and and say how they really feel and be able to share really intimate things that they are embarrassed of within this group that it totally has their back. So that takes an application process. And then if and I know that you are a family that would do it phenomenally in the group, then we connect with you. And we schedule a time to talk over zoom. And that allows me to dive into all the logistics with you. And we can find which payment plan option is going to work best for you and answer all your questions. And then I still don't expect you to make a decision about joining in until you have more time to think about it. And we put another time on our calendars so that you can work through all the logistics with your partner and make sure that you've really feel like it's a perfect fit. And then you jump in and we sign a contract and we set up your first live call. And then I drop your workbook in the mail and you get connected on the portal and you take the leap and it is scary and it is risky. And it is a big deal. And because it's a big deal because there is a big bar to jump with a commitment level and investment level that this group because that is what guarantees that you can't not have better days ahead, you can't not figure out what's missing and problem solve it through this type of environment, it is way more risky to spend your money and time on things that are way more low bar. Because there's so many more missing pieces that mean that it's probably not going to be what you're looking for and not going to be the best fit or it's going to have lots of things missing to it that are going to prohibit you from getting the results you want. So go ahead and find those links in the show notes. And if you really want to jump ahead and take the shortcut, schedule a consultation. And the link to that is in the show notes as well. But if this makes sense to you, and I'm going to put a link to a blog post where you can actually see the image of this methodology so that it makes sense to you. It's obviously much harder for me to explain without you being able to see how all of this works together visually on a podcast episode. But I am going to be able to share that in the show notes as well. So click over there. If it makes sense to you. If it feels a little bit like an aha moment of like, okay, yeah, I can see what I've worked on and what I haven't. And I can see how this would work for me. And she's speaking language I feel like I've heard before or it makes sense. Then everything I teach is going to make sense. And it's going to fall into place and it's going to be the right fit for you. So trust your gut, and reach out. Just take that little next step. Because then better days are inevitable, absolutely inevitable. Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of Failing Motherhood. Your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now and share it in your Instagram stories and tag me. If you're loving the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help more moms note they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood on a daily basis. And if you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong-willed child and invest in the support you need to make it happen. Schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on.