#100: 10 Lessons in 10 Years of Parenting

Celebrate with us! It's the 100th episode of Failing Motherhood!

As her oldest just turned 10, Danielle compiled 10 BIG universal lessons she wished she'd known sooner.

Don't let it take you 10 years to learn them as well!

Send this episode to a new or expecting mom - she'll be SO lucky!

DON'T MISS:

• How comparative suffering is like working out with different weights
• What truly makes the biggest difference in becoming a "Zen Mama Queen"
• Why love isn't enough to keep our kids around

// Mentioned in this Episode //
Book: How to Be Loved by Humble the Poet
MomsDemandAction.Org
MomsRising.Org

// CONNECT WITH DANIELLE //
Website: parentingwholeheartedly.com
IG: @parent_wholeheartedly
APPLY: parentingwholeheartedly.com/apply
FREE CONSULT: wholeheartedly.as.me/call

Transcript

Danielle Bettmann: 0:05

Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood I mean? Have too much anxiety, not enough patience... Too much yelling, not enough play. There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right. This is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you. You feel like you're screwing everything up, and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud. This podcast is for you. This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann. And each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real. Sharing her insecurities, her fears, your failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough. And you're not alone. I hope you pop in earbuds somehow sneak away and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend. We're so glad you're here. Hey, it's Danielle. Welcome to the 100th episode of the Failing Motherhood Podcast. I'm so grateful for your support. For every single time you listened. If this is your first episode, welcome. If this is your 100th episode, I am so glad that you're an OG and I've hung on this whole time. What a ride. What a trip. It's surreal. It's so surreal. Because time in the last three years has been some sort of weird vortex illusion. I don't even know what has happened. Has it been three years? Has it been 30? Has it been three months? Who's to say? I don't know. But here we are. And we have 103 ratings and reviews. Thank you again, I am announcing the winner of the giveaway on Instagram today. I am so excited. I'm just taking this moment to celebrate being able to create a platform that has been so much fun. Honestly, truly, nothing has been more fun in my business, then being able to connect over these interviews with amazing other moms and experts that are just so vulnerable and honest and real, that we can just dig into their lives and learn from them. And just meet people from all over the world. Technology is our friend most of the time, especially when you're podcasting. And it's just really cool to be able to create conversations and share stories and talk about the whole reason I started this podcast, which is having a narrative of normalizing the feeling like feeling like you're failing as a mom. And I really hope whether you are new to the podcast or have dove into several episodes that you feel less alone, after listening, that you feel seen, that you feel understood. And that it just hits you at a deeper level than a lot of other content. That is my passion that this is my project from my heart. It is truly what I hope to continue to create. So if you ever have suggestions of future guests or anything like that, please reach out. I am on Instagram, just one DM away, an email away, let me know we are creating this together for you, by you, for us. And again, so incredibly grateful for your support for every time that you have tuned in for every time that you have shared it with a friend. Love to review all the things. So so so so, so cool, that we are here and that 100th episode. So I don't want to go on and on and on. And I know that we have so much good stuff to get into. I have been working for days on this list of my 10 big lessons from 10 years of parenting. My oldest daughter just turned 10. And so I've officially been a parent outside the womb for 10 years. I know this list is not going to be comprehensive. So it is going to feel random. I'll probably think of an even better one to add to the list two days from now, but I can always do a part two right now. So the runner up, the thing I just want to throw in there for my two cents is utilize your local library. And I'm not gonna elaborate because I have a podcast episode in the future, talking all about early literacy skills. And what really makes the biggest difference. But my best memories, as a mom so far have been our time spent in our local library and with books from our local library, we also had a toy library, it was epic rip, because of COVID. That's my runner-up lesson is to utilize your local library. If you don't have a card, if you're not using it, consider this your kick in the butt reminder. Okay, so let's dive in to the 10 lessons. Number one, some of these are going to be like the cheesy ones that we all need to remember, some of them are going to be hyper specific. This one is and I'm sharing them in order ish, at least from what I could kind of remember of the of the chronological order that i i personally learned these lessons in. Okay. So number one, the first lesson I feel like I learned is the age old adage. The days are long. But the years are short. Every season, especially in the first few years of parenting or the first year of parenting, every season feels like an eternity. But they never last forever. When you're waiting for your milk to come in, it feels like it lasts forever. When you're trying to get into sleep through the night. It feels like it lasts forever. When you're potty training, it feels like it lasts forever. But none of it lasts forever. And remembering that when you're in it is sometimes the only thing that will get you through. I remember, as soon as I had my second daughter, and she was a newborn, I remember bawling. Because holding her I realized how much I had already forgotten and how quick it had went with my first. And I started bawling again, I don't know selja. Knowing that I'll do it again. And it'll go fast again. And I'll forget these little details and things about this stage again. But it's for good and bad. It doesn't last forever, in a good way. Because you'll make it through. And and it doesn't last forever in a sad way. Because you won't get these days back. But that does not mean that you need to enjoy every moment. You will not enjoy every moment. And just because it goes fast, doesn't mean that it's not incredibly hard. And if you had the chance, you probably wouldn't choose to live those days again. But that doesn't mean that there wasn't sweet memories. In every every hard season. There's something about it that you will miss. There's something redemptive about it, there's something beautiful, there's something incredibly sentimental and nostalgic. And those two things coexist. That's probably a lesson in itself that there's a lot of seemingly conflicting things that can coexist. So the fact that it goes really fast and you don't need to and will not enjoy every moment, those two things are both true and you can hold space for that. Knowing whichever message you need to feel of more of the way want to soak this up today. Or just the reminder of this one that lasts forever is going to get you through those really just absolutely exhausting. Early years. So the days are long. The years are short. Number two, no one is immune to being a first time parent. Nothing prepares you for parenting. Okay, I had a degree in early childhood education. I had worked in classrooms, both in preschool and infant toddler. I had babies at a time and I had created a preschool curriculum for a new school I had been home visiting in families homes for years, I had gone through extensive trainings and curriculum and everything. Nothing prepares you. Whatever your background is, whether you babysat or not had nieces and nephews or not. You were were a classroom teacher. Nothing prepares you. You will be a first time parent. And the guilt of feeling like you have experienced in the past makes you feel like you're blindsided. Because surely, you should be able to figure this out. Surely this shouldn't be this hard. Even the weight of like, knowing, hey, when I'm a first time parent, there are parents out there that have four or five kids that are dealing with a newborn to, and they're handling it so much better. That is not helpful. There's no value in comparative suffering. But you will not get out of being a first time parent and your child, that's a first time kid, they don't get to avoid the implications of that sibling order, either. Your first will always be the certified guinea pig, they will have the most attention. But you will have likely the most anxiety and the least tools and understanding. Because you're putting the car together as already flying down the interstate. There's no There's no getting around that. That is a reality you have to accept. And when you think about the comparative suffering piece of you know, others have more kids, and they are doing this better than I am. You have to remember everyone's current hard, is the hardest heard they've had yet. And for me, the analogy that made this make sense is for someone who has been working out and training in a gym for years consistently nonstop. And you know, having the whole lifestyle to support it. They are working out with 25 pound weights. For someone who just started working out, literally going to the gym for like the first time January 1, the weight that challenges them the most is the five pound weight. Both of those people are challenging themselves and working really hard, they are doing their hardest, hard. One of them has been able to train and work up to a higher weight. That is maybe the mom with four kids. But a first time mom had, you know, having a five pound weight. That's your hardest hard you've ever had so far. So value that you're doing a hard thing, don't comparative, don't compare your suffering. You're doing the hardest thing you've ever done so far. And as you train, you'll get better at it. So that's probably a sub sub lesson there. But no one is immune to being a first time parent, stop expecting things out of yourself. That is completely unreasonable. Number three, parenting is best enjoyed in hindsight. Now I specifically remember sitting on the bed in our old house, and my husband and I came across this article online. And it basically said, parenting is enjoyed best in hindsight. You when you are in it, you are experiencing the stress, the exhaustion, the weight of the responsibility, the mental load, and it feels so heavy, it's very hard to enjoy things. But when you look back at pictures, and you look back at videos, and you reminisce and you spark the memory, you are able to sort through your brain focuses much more on the positives. And you're able to feel sentimental and nostalgic and kind of romanticize the past in a way where it genuinely like lights up more happy chemicals in your body. And that's like a sight. It was like a scientifically proven thing. I didn't spend the time to try to find that article, because we read it like nine years ago at this point, but it's a real thing. You enjoy things in hindsight, much more than in the moment and being able to just know that that's a thing is kind of freeing, isn't it? Because yeah, you're not loving things. 100% When we went to Paris on our honeymoon, the trip was great, but coming home was a disaster fiasco. And it spent we spent 24 full hours start to finish traveling home and we barely slept and it was incredibly stressful try to catch these connections. We had to take one more flight than we should have had and for the next few weeks, my memory was just completely flooded by a hole that was tear Have a horrible, no good, very bad. But the farther I got from that memory, it's only positive. I love everything that we saw, I would absolutely want to go back. And I don't remember that travel grief anymore. And it's kind of the same with parenting, you don't sit in the hard work, the farther you get out of it, you just remember the good. So I don't want to go back to the years that I was absolutely sleep deprived, with a six month old and an under two year old. But I have forgotten the hardest of those hard moments and can look back at those pictures of them at that age. And they are absolute, frickin ly adorable. And I'll get to, you know, find the joy in that. So make photo books. If you have the thought or the intentionality or the energy, time, make photo books make, you know, video clips, romanticize those memories, when you can put the little clips together and just truly be able to look back, even if it's just on the day today or yesterday or last year, spend time looking back because it is really enjoyable, more enjoyable than the moment you're likely in right now. And that's okay. It's part of it. That's parenting is best enjoyed in hindsight. Number four, motherhood is really lonely, but you're never alone. And that paradox kind of makes you feel crazy. And I didn't have the words for this. But I definitely learned this really early on, when I was first trying to connect with an open up to other moms. It feels I mean, I'm just preaching to the choir here, it feels overwhelming, isolating, like no one gets it. Especially if you're one of the first in your friend group. Or you don't have other Sister sister in laws or sisters that you feel really close to that you can open up to, you likely don't have a village or anything that even resembles one. And you're up in the middle of the night at all hours when no one else is there's nothing even physically more isolating than that. You need a lifeline. Whatever is for you, you have to find something to hold on to, even if it's just by a thread for a while. So most likely, in this age, it has to be something digital for in least some form. And if that's us here at this podcast, I hope that you know that we get it. And we are here. And every guest here all, you know almost 100 guests, they get it too. And there's so many platforms now to connect with. But you have to find something likely find only a few things so that we can go deep. But just know it's part of it. You cannot survive motherhood without connecting to something outside of you that feels supportive and understanding and speaks to your specific experience in a way that puts words to something you didn't have words for before this. That's one of those early lessons definitely, I think every mom reckons with it. But the sooner you learn it, the better for sure. You're really lonely, but you're never alone. And you have to sometimes feel alone to to remember who you are, and where your identity was before and learn who you are now, because that shifts a ton. We've talked a lot about that with a lot of guest episodes here. Number five, it doesn't get easier. It gets different. And that might sound not very hope giving. But I think if you've been through any number of seasons, as a mom, you get what I mean. It gets different. It's a different kind of hard. There's an evolution that shifts from absolute physical exhaustion to more and more mental exhaustion and worry and anxiety. But it's still hard. It doesn't just get super easy, but it becomes manageable when you feel more confident. So you can feel different with more experience and more tools. So it doesn't mean that you can't feel different but it doesn't just automatically by nature of the process, alleviate all the hard, it stays hard. You have to get better at it. You have to get stronger. You have to find more tools you have to feel like you have more experience under your belt in order for it to shift. And that shift then does naturally Go to a different kind of hard throughout this at least, you know the first several seasons of parenting. But there yeah, there is that hope that you can feel different about it, the more that you understand about yourself and your child, but the confidence, the confidence everyone craves, it doesn't come from more information. It because we live in an information age, we have AI, we have Google, we have the entire internet that has not made parenting simple. In fact, it has made it more complicated. Would you agree? There is way too many reasons to feel like you're getting it wrong way too much pressure, way too much conflicting information, your confidence is not going to come the more information you gather. Like you're like a bird making a nest. And if you just keep getting more and more pieces, it's somehow gonna feel better. Your confidence comes from mastering and implementing a few key concepts and tools that are game changers for you're missing pieces and gaps in your skill set. And what cracks the code of your kid. And you need different things for different kids. And the biggest thing too, is the headspace you take information in, in, and the timing of it, and the tone of it. And you know, the credibility of it and all of that it's not just oh boy, I found this missing tip. It's you have to hear that tip at the right time. And in the right headspace where you're fully ready to receive it, and accept it and act upon it and have the support to troubleshoot it and tweak it. So it's it's definitely harder than we realize. I think we really tried to downplay that. And just say like, oh, all I need to do is read one more article, and that's just not going to be the thing that makes the biggest difference. So when things don't get easier, they get different. That it really is there a reconciling with accepting that, you know, the what is it like the two things in life that never You can't get away from is taxes and change or something like that, just brutally fail that that quote. But change is the only constant in parenting. So knowing that, you're always kind of like one step behind of figuring out your child one step behind knowing what's different about today, what do they need today? Where are we at? It's usually like a game of of catch up, knowing that that's part of it. You're not failing, if you feel that way, you know, your normal? What meaning are you making from that? What are you doing as a result of that? That's what you have control over. So I hope that makes sense of things in a in a little bit of a good light. So that was number five, doesn't get easier, it gets different. So big emotions from Little People are running the show at your house. Is that right? Do they fall apart when something doesn't go their way? Just once? Why can't they accept the fact that the answer is no. Am I right? The struggle is real. You're not alone, and you're in the right place. When your days are filled with relentless push back, it is so hard to feel like a good parent, especially when you're in laws aren't shy and sharing how they think your kids just need a good spanking. Ever, every time you lose it when they lose it, you feel like a failure. The worst part is, without addressing the root of your child's behavior, you're doomed to play a fruitless game of Whack a Mole reacting rather than preventing the next conflict. And next time, nothing's gonna go differently. The good news is, when you have a handful of effective discipline tools in your pocket, you're able to step into full confidence as their parent parenting actually becomes a whole lot easier. I promise. You're not failing them. You just need more tools. So if you have a tiny human who's full of love, and yet so so difficult, if you can only be so nice for so long. If you've tried everything and still feel defeated on the daily, I free class, authentic and unapologetic is for you. In this free training, I share five huge misconceptions in parenting strong-willed kids that inadvertently invite defiance for mistaken goals, they're using their behavior to meet and what to do about it. How to let judgment roll off your back and truly feel like the parent your kids need, and why what you're currently doing just isn't working and isn't going to anytime soon. So go to parenting wholeheartedly.com/unapologetic To access this exclusive free training immediately. That's parenting wholeheartedly.com/unapologetic, the link will be in the show notes. Number six, parenting wakes up parts of you that were dormant. What do we mean by that? It wakes up good parts, parts of you, you didn't realize you were capable of things like strength, resilience, determination, and love that he was you would didn't even know was possible. Those were parts of you that have always been there. And they were dormant and they were awoken by this experience of parenting. Those are all beautiful things that shifts your identity, it's a you can't go back. Because there are new parts of you that are awake and alive. And a part of you that there's also negative things that were dormant that become a woken as well. Like a temper, a lot of negative self talk, and maybe conditioning from your past that was really driven by shame. And that comes to the surface to maybe even you know sensory overstimulation or things like that, where you had no idea. Because the way that you coped with things before that stops working, once you hit this place of no return with, you know, stress and exhaustion and mental load and everything with parenting, and then you're left with no tools or having to completely relearn. That's overwhelming, right. So there's good parts that wake up, and bad parts that wake up. And again, that is normal. I think that's pretty universal. So I what I wish I would have understood 10 years ago, nine years ago, is that that's part of this. It's part of the process. Expect it, accept it, make friends with it, and learn from it. become more self aware, reflect on that, what are you learning about yourself? What have you noticed? What do you need, right. And another kind of subset of this is realizing that the way you respond to your child's emotions, especially their big emotions, and your own emotions, your big feelings, the way that you respond to those comes hardwired, by the way that your parents responded to yours. So that part is really ingrown, and it just becomes awoken. But you do have the choice to unlearn, and relearn and teach an entirely different response. That does not come naturally. It takes a lot of intentionality and work. But it is possible and it is worth it. So when those dormant pieces come to your awareness, you have the choice of what to do about those things. And you may not be able to address them for a while, or you may put them on the backburner, and you may set goals for the future or you may have to work on things one at a time. But that's part of parenting. And I think that's a really beautiful part of parenting when we get to really reap the rewards of that self growth and that learning and hopefully self love that comes from that place. Number seven, strong-willed kids require a special set of tools. And I learned this very early into my second daughter's life. When I realized that what I was doing with my first daughter where everything was pretty calm, cool collected,ncupcakes and rainbows and I thought I knew everything about everything. Because all you have to do is act and ask nicely or offer her a hug and she calms down. None of that worked with my second daughter. And often the things that you figure out what For one sibling, not only don't work for the other, but they could make it worse, they could anger or exacerbate the things that they're experiencing. Because they're looking at it from a totally different lens. They're wired completely differently. They see the world from a different place. They're communicating something entirely different with their behavior. So traditional advice, like planned, ignoring, timeouts, explaining with logic and reasoning, using threats and bribes, star charts, any of that stuff. For most strong-willed Kids, it does not work, it does not change their mind. And even worse, it could create a lot of dysfunction, and disconnection in the dynamic in your relationships and cause a lot of stress, meltdowns, being late, feeling crazy, headaches, hangovers from big emotions, all the drama, they require a different approach. And that was, you know, the birthplace of of my whole company. Six years ago, probably, you know, it started four years ago. But just realizing that most families, if you have two or three kids have at least one kiddo that's the exception to the rule. And they're the ones that I specialize in. Because most generic parenting advice just doesn't cut it, you need something more. And that just knowing that can be revolutionary, because you no longer go from being confused, trying to crack a code or, you know, unlock a lock that has no legend or, you know, whatever analogy, but like, Whatever, whatever works for you, you're no longer stuck, you're no longer on your own to figure this out. And as a parent of a strong willed child, likely most of my clients that I've talked to, if they go to other professionals, like psychologists, and child therapists and doing PCIT, and other things like that, you will be diagnosed, quote, unquote, diagnosed with a hard child. And again, that leaves you feeling very confused, defeated, and borderline helpless and hopeless, because nobody benefits from that type of understanding when it's just chalking it up to being difficult. No, we can figure this out, there are solutions, it does get better when you understand what you're working with. And there's just a lot of professionals that don't specialize in this. So of course, they're not going to have that language or those tools for you. But as a parent of a strong willed child, you deserve support, because you are working very hard. My clients don't come to me for lack of effort. They come because they've tried every thing. And it's not working. So realizing strong-willed Kids require a special set of tools. And when you have those tools they are game changers, is incredibly powerful. Life changing, I would say. So the I learned that very early on with my second daughter, but I didn't even have the language for it for still a couple more years until I really, you know, got certified in Positive Discipline and just did a whole lot more digging. And I don't want you to have to do all that digging. Let me help you out, girl. So that's lesson number seven. That was a big one for me. Lesson number eight, patience is a skill set AND your well-being and mental health matters. Both of those things are true, both of those things need to co-exist. And what I mean by that is you can learn coping skills and mindset shifts that teach you how to be more resilient, that allow you to create a response instead of a reaction that give you but much better language to communicate your needs and pour water on the fire that's burning in your brain. And your capacity to do that and learn those things is always in limited quantity. If you don't refill it, it's going to run out. There is no getting around that. You can't just be superwoman and despite all odds and extenuating circumstances be the Mary Poppins 24/7. You are limited by your capacity, your well-being, the amount of needs you have met, the sleep that you've gotten the meals that you've eaten, the amount of air you've been able to breathe, all of these things, set the quota for how much you're then able to use the tools you're learning. I had a client returned back from a vacation, and she got back from vacation I think like Wednesday or Thursday, we had our call on Friday, she wasn't working until the following Monday. And that Friday, she came to the call and she said I cannot believe how much a "Zen mama queen" I am right now. Because I have all of the capacity, I have slept well, I've eaten well, I'm not worried about work, I have very little stress, the house is clean, I have time to get everything I need to do done. And I cannot believe how much it's affecting my parenting. I didn't even know that the some of these levels were possible to tap into, because I'm always running on empty. And it's really making me think about how I can set myself up with more in the future. No one should be expected to stay zen through complete chaos as well. So I don't think it's fair or reasonable to expect of yourself to undergo three to five giant outbursts with your child where it gets to a point of no return where you don't know what to do with them where you feel very overwhelmed, and you start to lose your mind yourself. You are not just supposed to deal with that. Nobody should live like that that's miserable for you. And it's miserable for them. Right. So you do have a responsibility to take ownership of your regulation and your composure. Because you can't give your child what you don't have that is a skill set you can work on and learn. And we want to eliminate those outbursts. We want to make things manageable day to day because if we can eliminate some of those factors from completely zapping your capacity, it's a lot easier to be patient, right. So you have that internal work, and those external factors that need addressing, ideally, at the same time, so that you can they continue to benefit each other and build momentum. But most programs, or seasons of life or things that you're diving into resources wise, they're only addressing one. So you're not going to see the outcomes, you're not going to see it make these big strides. Because it's not holistic enough, it's not comprehensive enough to truly be able to make that change happen. You know, like you can go to therapy, and they can help you take deep breaths, but they're still not going to tell you what to do in the moment to get the cooperation. So you're still going to find yourself getting to that place of desperation and helplessness. So you have to have both. And subset of this one is that knowing mom rage is universal. It's universal. I don't think that there's a mom out there that doesn't experience at least one completely crippling overwhelming moment that they absolutely regret and want to take back and feel so guilty for because they lost their ability to stay regulated. As a parent. I had a moment when my first daughter was, I don't even know nine months maybe. And I was at the brink of my sanity because she wouldn't sleep and she wouldn't stop crying. And I remember going to her crib and just kind of like squeezing her body like in a hug but like an aggressive hug. And I could feel myself losing control. I ended up you know, walking away, but I felt so overwhelmed with just shame for getting to that place and realizing, Oh, this is why they make you watch that video about shaking your baby. Because it's it's moments like this right now and feeling like I shouldn't I should never feel this way. I should never have these feelings. No. That is part of it. Not that you you know, say you should feel that way. But you likely May. And knowing that that happens much more commonly than you realize. I would have loved to know that back then. Not that it would have made me feel like oh yep, that's an excuse for my behavior. No, we're responsibility needed, absolutely not, it would have allowed me to talk about that moment, more than 10 years later, right, and be able to work towards solutions and, and get support and meet my own needs. So, I was learning something last week about how it's very common to have anger and anxiety problems as a parent or as a mom. And it's because you care, genuinely like it's, it's like an overly protective mechanism, saying, This is so important to me, I'm gonna double down. And what's more abnormal or concerning, is despondency, of not caring of completely checking out or even worse, believing that your kids would be better off without you. That is more of the exception to the rule where if you feel that way, that is not as common, and is a red flag that you may need more support right now. Again, no shame, because you did not choose these thoughts, and you were not wanting them and welcoming them in. But if they are there, they are there to bring your attention to something that you deserve support with. And when you feel better, you will do better. And your kids deserve that. And you deserve that. So just wanted to throw that clarification in there. Because a mom's mental health is a huge, huge, huge, huge, huge priority, and matters a ton. And I always want to have this podcast supporting you in advocating for and prioritizing your well-being and your mental health and how it affects you as a parent. And I learned one of the newest lessons in this book, it's called How To be Loved by Humble the Poet-highly recommend. I'll put the link in the show notes. But here's the quote, and it blew my mind. It is not selfish, to put yourself first, it's selfish to expect others to put you first. Right? I mean, sit with that for hours days, like I have that shift and understanding. I mean, I wish I had a long time ago. And again, I just feel like it has, every time you find a language that just puts these concepts into more and more tangible pieces it makes it makes sense. And I just love that. And it's been able to give me a lot more freedom to say what I need. And know that it's my responsibility to advocate for myself. Not like it's way worse to not voice those needs, and be resentful when they're not met or expect others to read my mind or really just function at a very low capacity. Because I'm not having that awareness. So much better to be on the on the proactive end of that and not have guilt about it, because the best thing for everyone. So that was a long one. Sorry, that was number Number nine, love isn't enough. Love isn't enough. Of course, eight. you love your child. And I think maybe in the past that it was maybe thought that love is enough. You know, to keep families together or to have your child you know, stay in relationship with you forever. But in any relationship. It's a constantly moving dynamic. It's either growing closer together or apart. There is no stagnant plateau. It's constantly evolving. So love isn't enough to parent our kids. It's a big important factor, obviously. But love truly is putting the work in to keep them around, to work to get to know them to find the things that make the difference. The trajectory of our relationship with our kids 20 years into the future, especially into the teen years. It starts now. The trajectory is built now. The foundation is laid now. And our credibility in our relationship is built by caring about what they care about. And sharing understanding that truly lets them know, I hear you, and I get it. But if that wasn't modeled for you, in your parent-child relationship growing up, you don't know what you don't know. How can you? How can you know any different than the way that you were parented? So there is no shame in seeking out more resources, asking for help, and acknowledging you have opportunities to grow in as a parent. It is worse, to take on a role of such incredible influence and responsibility, without the self awareness of realizing what you could be missing. Game-changing insight that would change your relationship with your child in a really big way. Because you don't know what you don't know. How can you? So making that assumption, and kind of digging your head in the sand is much worse than saying I need help with this. And this does not come naturally to me, and I don't understand this. And this makes no sense to me, I am at a loss, I am burnt out. It is way better to say that and be solution orientated, then do nothing at all. And I know that the clients I work with are, leave no stone unturned working because they know that the answers are out there. And most of my clients come from graduating many programs. And then finally find the answers that they're missing here, because they have all the basics, they've done a lot of work on themselves. And they're just looking for the really nuanced support, the personalized feedback, the, you know, gray insights that make things so that it's not like I'm trying to just do this one structured set of a behavior modification plan, I'm just coexisting as a strong-willed parent with my strong willed child in a way that is peaceful, long term. So this, here's the quote that I love from again, that book, How To be Loved. Love isn't the glue that keeps us together. It's the fuel that keeps us working at it. And when you think about that, from the relationship of a parent, child, dynamic, as parents, love isn't enough, we don't just have glue. And there is you know, a guarantee of relationships with our kids 50 years down the road, you have to put the work in now. And I know if you are like me and my clients, you are absolutely ready to do that work every single day with the capacity you have. And so I'm so glad you're here with me at this podcast. And number 10. And I'm throwing this one in here for all of my parents in the United States. Nothing matters more to a parent than their child's safety. Guns are now the number one killer of children and teens in America. That is the absolute fact. And nothing else matters. Nothing else matters: Academics, positive reinforcement, saving for college tuition down the road. None of that matters in perspective and priority with their safety. Right. Like no question. It has been on our minds so much every single school drop off for the last week. And I know that you're there with me a few are a fellow American. And so nothing else matters unless our kids are safe. And that is not a guarantee in this country anymore. So being hypersensitive to curriculum, banning books, worrying about exposure to nuanced concepts like racism, LGBTQ issues, none of that matters if they don't make it to that grade, or that age. And that is a genuine concern in this country. Right. This was still not even the fact like 10 years ago, 20 years ago. This is the reality in 2023 in our country. So I'm gonna leave two resources in the show notes. Moms Demand Action, which is Moms Demand action.org org, and Mom's Rising, which is momsrising.org. And the tagline there is where moms and people who love them go to change the world. Get involved with those nationwide organizations and find something local, that you can be engaged in. Those, those two ones right there, they will send you text messages to let you know, when certain campaigns are happening, they will send you emails to sign petitions, they will let you know when there is a bill that you should contact your representatives about. And they just keep you in the know. And we all do not have the option at this point, to not be involved at you know, local and federal levels. If you're in this country, to keep our kids safe, and to fight for the change we want to see in the world. Our kids need need us to do that. They need nothing less from us than that. I don't see any other way forward. Right. And so I'm gonna catch you with those resources. And we could go on and on about this topic. And it's not that I'm not willing to address it. I just feel like there's so much out there already, I want you to find answers rather than sit in the depths of the sadness and the despair and the yuck. I'm sure you've been there plenty enough, in the last week. As a coach, I'm always going to be solution orientated. And so I'm going to point you to those resources, in hopes that that continues to propel you forward towards the answers and the change you want to see. But I am always going to advocate for safety and what's best for kids. And that is an uphill battle. That is not the norm. That is not the way that decisions are made in this country, unfortunately. So that is number 10. And I want to end on an uplifting note. There was a quote that I had heard in Tik Tok that was pulled from a episode of Modern Family by the character Jay Pritchett, which is like the family patriarch. And here's his quote, it's it's rookie, it says, "The thing about babies, you fall in love with a baby with the cutest little fat folds. And then bam, they're gone. But it's okay. Because then it's placed is this toddler with the greatest laugh on Earth. And then one day the toddler is gone. And in its place is a little kid that asked the most interesting questions you've ever heard. And this keeps going on like that. But you never get the chance to miss any of them. Because there's always a new kid to take the place of the old until they grow up. And then in a moment, all those kids who fell in love with walk out the door at the same time." Oh, I know. Right? Cue cue the waterworks, clear all cue all the sappy nostalgia; probably not even saying that word right. But those are my 10 Lessons. I'm sure there are plenty more, I'm sure that you would have a completely different 10. But again, thank you so much for celebrating 100 episodes of Failing Motherhood. I hope you have shared it with a friend. I hope you have found that you can be at home here that you can be real here that you can find honesty and transparency and vulnerability here. And we are going to keep bringing you all that goodness, every Tuesday, ongoing in the future. And if you are that parent of a strong-willed child, and you're figuring that out, and you try so hard to stay calm, but everything is a battle right now. You feel like you're held hostage, you're walking on eggshells. You're never sure what's going to set off the next big emotional outburst, meltdown break down. Every care task is negotiation. There's nothing that you can do to change their mind. You're given a short fuse. You feel the shame. You feel like you're failing them. You don't like being around them. And you were burnt out and you were over it. You are my people, friend. I have answers for you. In less than three months, you can have peaceful mornings, playful bedtimes, peace of mind and confidence that a full toolkit of specific scripts and strategies that never fail. Self compassion, not letting criticism of your parenting get to you anymore. A new kid that goes days without a meltdown, the support, you need to fully integrate and implement everything that you intend to, and a close, connected relationship with your child for years to come. And if those are your goals, if that feels like exactly what you need right now, and you know the value of investing in yourself, you know how big of a difference it would make to be able to get all your questions answered and no longer get stuck when you try something new again, and then lose the consistency and then give up entirely, or start emotionally disconnecting from your child.... then watch my masterclass my free training is

for you: 56:15

learn how to confidently parent your strong-willed child without threats and bribes, so you can finally break free of power struggles, guilt and self doubt. And the link is in the show notes. It's parenting wholeheartedly.com. You'll find it right there on the homepage. Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of Failing And as soon as you watch that, apply to be a part of my group Motherhood. Your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now and share it in your program. And we can work together and I can support your Instagram stories and tag me. If you're loving the podcast, be family for several months. Getting every single little sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help scenario talks through so that you have all the tools you need more moms note they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood on a daily basis. And if you're ready to all the insight you need to move forward. parenting your strong transform your relationship with your strong-willed child, and willed child with composure, connection, confidence and invest in the support you need to make it happen. Schedule your cooperation. Go to parentingwholeheartedly.com/apply free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I Find all the info you need, and I can't wait to support you. believe in you, and I'm cheering you on.