Failing Motherhood

[REPLAY] Becoming the Expert of Your Child with Grace Henke

December 12, 2023 Danielle Bettmann | Parenting Coach for Strong-Willed Kids Episode 134
Failing Motherhood
[REPLAY] Becoming the Expert of Your Child with Grace Henke
Show Notes Transcript

Originally Aired: October 6th, 2020

Keeping a brand new human alive when you've never done it before is... A LOT.

When Grace Henke's daughter could not stop screaming, she took her right back to the hospital their first night home!

Supplementing, lip/tongue ties, constipation, gas, panicking about milestones is all overwhelming enough, let alone the constant comparisons to others & the doubt in your own abilities.

Is my daughter alright? Is she behind? Am I behind?

After a whirlwind of a few months, Grace is here to share how she's combating the pressure, embracing her daughter for exactly who she is, and becoming confident as a new mom.

She also dives into her perspective on anti-obedience dog training and the parallels to positive parenting!  MIND BLOWN.

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Grace Henke  0:00  
And you know I was born raised in China, like, everybody compared kids right? I grew up being compared my mom say you see neighbor's kid did this right that that whoever's kid they that and it's really hard a part of me I think I was working on myself like, Okay, I need to stop compare my daughter to other people's kid, especially when she's so young but obviously at the same time, like, Am I missing a milestone?

Danielle Bettmann  0:25  
Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood I mean? Have too much anxiety, not enough patience. Too much yelling, not enough play. There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right. But this is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you. You feel like you're screwing everything up. And you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud. This podcast is for you. This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann. And each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real. Sharing her insecurities, her fears, your failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough. And you're not alone. I hope you pop in here buds somehow sneak away and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend. We're so glad you're here. 

Danielle Bettmann  1:35  
Hey, it's Danielle. Do you ever feel like you're Failing Motherhood? You're in the right place, my friend. Hey, how's your mental health? Like for real? I know there are 1 million different reasons to be stressed out right now. Which is why it's worth considering for one moment if any of those are within your control. If they are, do something about it, take action, eliminate that chaos from your schedule. Forgive that guilt, fix that problem. All the things we can do together through coaching. If they aren't, you aren't doing yourself or your family any good by keeping that weight on your shoulders. Whatever vibe you are putting out into the world is the one that your kids are taking on themselves. The best thing you can do for your kids is to become hyper aware of your stress response and improve it. Easier said than done, but 100% worth the effort. My guest today is Grace Henke, an anti -bedience dog trainer and mom of an almost one year old. I know that her recap of her first year of parenting will bring vivid memories back of your own, the confusion, the guilt, the pressure, the survival. She's really good at articulating how much she just wanted to do well for her daughter, but found herself feeling so conflicted by all that overwhelm. I guarantee at the end of this episode, you'll have a renewed compassion for yourself because of what you're finding for her, as well as a whole new perspective on dog and human training. Let's get to it. 

Danielle Bettmann  3:16  
Welcome to Failing Motherhood. My name is Danielle Bettmann. And on today's episode, I'm joined by Grace Henke. Grace was born and raised in China and pursued a master's degree in statistics in the US. After negotiating a huge raise at a Bay Area startup. She quit a month later to start her dog training business. She's an anti obedience trainer and the founder of Mensa Mutts. She specializes in helping teach dog owners how to communicate with their shy, fearful or reactive dogs. Welcome, Grace. Thanks so much for joining us today.

Grace Henke  3:48  
Wow. All right. So my glad to be here. Hey, so

Danielle Bettmann  3:51  
you're a new mom, right? Yep.

Grace Henke  3:55  
First time mom with a nine months old. Congratulations.

Danielle Bettmann  3:59  
Thanks. So I'm sure it's been smooth sailing. Oh,

Grace Henke  4:03  
of course. I'm already an expert. Right? Yes.

Danielle Bettmann  4:08  
Have you ever felt like you were failing motherhood?

Grace Henke  4:12  
all the time. Just this past weekend. I was literally like on fire. I had a baby to my husband like okay, I'm about to lose it so

Danielle Bettmann  4:22  
welcome to the club. You're one of us.

Grace Henke  4:27  
One You know only one it's already like this. I don't know how you guys can handle more than one kid. I'm still need to wrap my head around that.

Danielle Bettmann  4:39  
You somehow it doesn't get easier but you get better at it. I don't really know how it works. But we keep having babies somehow. I remember having my newborn my first newborn and being like, how could I possibly do this with a toddler. And then a year later I was doing that I had a 15 month old and a new baby. Surprise. Wow, yeah, don't recommend it. It was a blur. It was pretty awful for especially recovering from a C section at the same time, but hey, I survived and the kids are still alive so there's that.

Grace Henke  5:13  
I think the kids just like well, I don't want to say kids just like dogs. My husband really hates that phrase. But they're resilient you know? We do not give them enough credit I guess there's first several months of my baby's life oh my gosh, was she like what I break her neck by accident because you know every doctor tell you oh my gosh, you you baby could suffocate your baby could like break her neck if you're holding wrong you can add have support her as I was so freaked out and then there's soft spot on the net on the head. You can't touch it. I'm like, Oh my gosh. I know like, Oh my god. At least she's bigger now. So like, okay, she's not that fragile anymore. 

Danielle Bettmann  5:53  
Yeah, it's a lot of pressure when there's so tiny. They're so . Oh, so what has what has becoming a mom looked like for you? 

Grace Henke  6:06  
Oh my gosh, you know, steel from time to time. I feel still surreal. Like I'm a mother. Now. I sometimes tell my husband oh my gosh, we have a daughter now. I'm a mother now. Like, yeah, oh, our kid, right? Nine months old. Geez. Like, Slack. And especially during this pandemic, right? You just feel like time like, you feel like it didn't do anything. Like our car sit car seats pretty much just sits in the house because we didn't go anywhere like didn't get us and then now, actually, today, I'm going to take her to her nine month checkup? I'm like, geez, I haven't go out really out of the house for several months in the sense of like, do anything besides doctor appointment and our last appointment six months, so it's been three months. Oh my god. Yeah. So yeah, it just feel like, gosh, this now it's July of 2020. We'll record this and wow, it's like, this whole year is just crazy. Like, I don't know, I just feel like didn't do much and have your past. And we're where we're heading right now and my baby gonna be hit one year old and then wow. Yeah,

Danielle Bettmann  7:12  
you'll be like what just happened? Right? Yeah, she'll be almost one. That's crazy. Yeah, milestone.

Grace Henke  7:23  
I know. I'm the I kept you know, worrying that. You know, my family members kept sending me the text. Oh my god, whoever's kid already walking and oh, I have a kid already eating solid food. And she's able to stand there right now. She's not able to walk yet. And I'm like, am I behind? You know, like, you're just like, am I behind? And she's still eating her like second stage food. She doesn't like you know, big chunk of fruit yet. She will have this gagging thing going like really sad. I like she will. Oh, oh my God. Are you choking? She like she was scream like when she doesn't like what? What I fed her. And she just screams you just scream. I'm like you're hungry. Maybe you're not hungry enough? I don't know. Yeah,

Danielle Bettmann  8:15  
there's everything they can't communicate.

Grace Henke  8:17  
Yeah. And I was like, you know, the people say you do the sign language. So I was doing it. I've been doing it since she's like three months old. I don't think she's getting it at all. People say oh, she was signed back. But six months. She's nine, nine months. Now. She's not. I didn't see anything. She's signing back. But the only occasionally I do the milk sign and she does have like me. He goes on that. Okay, maybe she understand that one. But yeah, it's really hard. I was like, Who to say their kids just start communicating. My kids are screaming all the time. I'm like, I don't know. So yeah, game

Danielle Bettmann  8:49  
is real, especially around nine months because the gap in what's normal. It spans so much and it's so different kid to kid but of course, people love to brag if their kid is the first one to do something.

Grace Henke  9:05  
Right? Yeah. And the deaths have happened since he was little and it's really hard because when she's little sure to start with you. So the first night were sent home. So I got into stung a Friday night. Oh, I recommend anybody don't get induced during weekend like Friday night. So Saturday, apparently the lactation consultants not available because she's not working that day. So they don't have enough staff. She only came to visit me during the day on Friday where I haven't had my baby yet. Right. And she just kind of talked about what's going on like sure and that was half like sedated. And then Saturday came around you know, and then it's like, no one's available like and then obviously latching was not easy. And then kind of heard and a monitor things on the nervous try to help you but they also give you different advice and they don't know really exactly what's going on. Oh, and I got these charged on a Sunday and back home Sunday night I think like 9pm or something my babies can't stop couldn't stop screaming like Lily she's crying so hard like for hours on a we're calling insurance, you know, insurance car to have like a nurse on call or whatever you call. So I called we told them what's going on but can't stop screaming and she said you need to go back to your birthing hospital. And so Sunday night like midnight, we went back to the emergency to the nursing home to the birthing hospital, they happen to have a emergency department. And then we went we stayed there for like two three hours they were able to get up, you know, pediatrician on staff came over. And then the thing is the baby's fine. There's nothing physically wrong with her. And we're like, but she's screaming how are we going to fix this? And they and we thought she'd have gas she couldn't pass gas they say Oh, you just need to go to the pharmacy tomorrow to get some gas drops and maybe she's hungry and you're to nurse her I'm like I don't know I've been nursing i That's the best I can do my milk haven't come in as much I guess and I just on the second day I was calling my pediatrician because usually you know the take couple days you said to go and schedule your pediatrician appointment. That cold I was super furious. I said I need appointment now. Like my baby was at er last night and that we couldn't we didn't know what's going on. No one can tell us what's going on. I got these charts said everything's perfect, right and then. So my pediatrician had his Squeezy an appointment for me. And then she after she weighed my baby, she said your baby already lost 12% of her body weight. Just so she said that's why your baby's crazy right now your baby pretty much starving. And she said when your baby lost over 10% Your baby just not going to be in good mood. I said why no one told me that as I was like your last night no one, no one say that. They wait baby, they did heartbeat and everything. And they told me babies physically fine. And then so my daughter just said you need to supplement and give her a formula. And that's also the other part before I when I was pregnant, I was told that you can never give your baby fake nipples. Because you try to nurse you don't introduce formula. You don't introduce new palsy. Don't introduce pacifiers. Oh, jeez, like, you know, and then the doctor said you can't concern about that right? Now you need to feed your baby. And then so my husband just went out bought formula right away. And my pediatrician said you have to come back tomorrow. You need to feed your daughter should that and to come back tomorrow. So second day, she took piano like an ounce, right? Suppose they can every ounce per day and she start getting away. And then obviously it's much better baby after he able to eat. And then my milk start coming in and things start getting easier little bit and then I went to visit a lactation consultant, right and then they she doesn't have good latch, she have both tongue tie and leave tie. And but so the lactating cows now Oh, you need to get surgery done. You know, you just need to go to order or a surgeon, they will just cut it so easy. And then then they weigh the baby after nursing. And then she said, Well, she she drank enough milk. So if you don't want to do that, that's probably fine too. As long as you don't feel hurt, she's eating so no big deal. Everybody gives you the information and write something like okay, do I need to do this or not? And then my pediatrician said no, you've she's able to gain weight. I don't want you over concern about that. Just let it be. So it's been like that. And then and then the you know, later on I had blocked duct. I bought two months in oh my god was oh, I was like, gosh, this is hurt. And then I that cold like three lactation consultants that being referred, none of them can come over one of them just have baby herself and the other one like she's not taking your patient. And like Are you freaking serious? I'm like losing my mind right now. And then finally find someone and then I have to reach out to my OB and said Do you have recommendations because the pediatrician Give me three names. None of them are available, and that she should recommend somebody and that lady came in the same day to my house. And she actually showed me how to latch my baby correctly the first time I ever and my babies like two and a half months old or something like that. Oh my gosh, why no one ever told me and she's like, well, she said to you still gonna feel hard because you've been so used to latching the wrong way. Oh, but yeah, and she also is like don't get too obsessed about that but you can like baby can eat and you feel right don't get too stressed out about that. And that's Oh my god. And then and then the thing is, you know other people, especially family member like, oh, we have kids that never never liked this. No, no kids like yours, right like so. So I'm like, my kids fine and then at the start like worrying about oh my god is her tummy hard maybe she has blockage Right? Like why No. And then she she apparently have constipation my baby at noon since she's poor parents she's she's constipated, she couldn't poop. So my doctor said you I try to feed her some juice every day. So help her to poop alive. Oh my gosh. And then she couldn't, you know, newborn couldn't drink stuff, right? And she hates nipples. So I have to have a syringe to shoot down her throat like, oh my gosh, because otherwise she can't poop. She will like three or four days not pooping, and then she will cry when she's pushing. And then the doctors say you can't you can have your baby like that. She said you have to help your baby. So she finally we finally kind of get her poop under control. And recently she start constipated again. I guess. My doctor said that probably won't go away. It's we'll come back. And so right now she have you know, especially she's on solid now and her poops like horrendous oh my gosh, it was bad and that she's like, I'm like, Oh my gosh, she probably constipated again like so every day. You know? I have a clock like the internal clock. Okay, the sheep poop today? I'm gonna have to poop. How does your poop wasn't colored his right it was consistency. I know. We're joking about my husband's I was so obsessed with poop. Because I talked about dog poop all the time to ask my clients how many times your dog poop? Are they firm? And you know, and now we're like, oh says vomit daughter's poop like she's doing. Gosh, it's just, it's just crazy. Yeah, I you know, I was like, Wow, I can't believe like, how people going through this. And I don't think my babies like most difficult one are under she's healthy. Right? And by the same time that gosh, I bet she's not the easiest one either. I have like, friends they they just have newborn. They said the Take baby to work already. And they've just sleep as my daughter never slept like she's screaming like she never a good sleeper. I don't know how you guys do this. And then we adapt have to work with the sleeping consultant to help her sleep through the night. I was literally holding her from like midnight to 4am the morning in the bed because she will wake up every hour and the crying. But she's not hungry. She can drink or anything. I just hold her. I'm like, I don't know what's wrong with a baby. And she's already like seven months old. Everybody online tell me she should sleep for 12 hours. And I bought you know, older sleeping sacks weighted blanket. And I follow the book. I'm like this Oh, not working? Right. Yeah. And yeah, I don't know how to help people do that, you know, is Yeah. But the sleep helped. Oh, yeah. It's like big time. Like with the one session. I'm like, Oh, my God. So, so similar as a dog training.

Grace Henke  18:19  
I actually have a course I was teaching a dog training course. And I put them out put up with literally like a parallel between the dog training and then the sleep training the baby. I'm like, but it's a lot of them. It's like validation, right? And they try to teach the mom now to feel guilty. If your baby's not doing well. It's not necessarily like your daughter's wrong. You're right. It's just part of it. And but everybody else tell you your daughter's not right, right. That's really the information. I've been getting like everybody, like send me message. Oh, my daughter can't do this. My kids can't do this. I have X number of kids right now have them like yours. Right? Like so. So dad, that was really hard. But when you start talking to the professional, they're like, Yeah, it's so cool. I'm like, That's so funny. Because again, like same training dogs. That's what dog owners telling me. My dog is special. I'm like, uh, yeah, I see that every day. Right? Like yeah,

Danielle Bettmann  19:17  
I can totally see the similarities between that. And probably the same to with like, just that needing to ask for help idea of like trying everything feeling like nothing's working. Like dog owners are at that place too. I'm sure when they call you. Yeah,

Grace Henke  19:35  
yeah, especially. Well, the kind of dogs I work with. They're really like challenging in general. Some of them really aggressive. And they've worked with, you know, different trainers, more than likely one of my clients. I think she had like three or four trainers before me. And they could not help her on the she obviously had the point like, Okay, we hired grace. We figured maybe Here's another trainer right like, and then they couldn't believe at beginning I told them I said your dog had hope. And she said, yeah, right. But then the weird now she's like awesome clients and she's like her dog have really good start coming out of his shell, right? I was like, you know, and you're a parenting coach, right? So as like people really like should I tell people like you should, like just really talk to somebody like professionals is important. Like, sometimes you know, people will be like, no money no time, right? But when come to your kids and I think that's just so important, especially for me, I had this moment of before somebody introduced this refer this sleep consultant to me, I was pretty resistant at the beginning. Because I'm like, I have the book. I can't do it right? How hard can be so my daughter was gonna grow out of this face. Yeah, and I laugh at myself sounds like the dog owners who refuse training and because a lot of people say Oh, my dog will just grow out of it. And rowdy as a dog more than likely will grow into it won't grow out of it. And and then after I think maybe a month like zero sleep, right? I'm not daycare on a night I couldn't sleep I was holding her so I'm like okay, I'm losing my mind right now. I need help now. I know the results pretty used to like within a week right now she's she went to bed right now probably between eight or 10pm and the gap between five and 7am. Oh, that's so that's that's like, Okay, I got chunk of sleep at night. That's which is amazing thing to have. Yeah, definitely. Life changing just to have a chunk of sleep.

Danielle Bettmann  21:52  
Literally. Yeah. Oh, my goodness, your first year of motherhood has been a whirlwind of a roller coaster.

Grace Henke  22:05  
Yeah, and I'm probably gonna continue to be and now she hates I don't think she hates diaper change. But every time I change her diaper, she just screams on the changing table. I think she doesn't like to be laid down. Right? She feels like I don't want to go nap. Right. And then she just taking I'm like, This is not helping. Oh, no, it's so hard to put diaper on her. She can't twist and turn now. And she knows how to sleepovers a way to try to put diaper on she just turned and like hey, don't flip over. I have a diaper on you. And oh, and then I have to like treat her with toys like here's your rubber ducky Can you just lay here for a moment so I can put just a diaper on you? I don't know how other moms do this. And I remember when my daughter first start flipping over again family member will be like did your daughter flip over yet? She has not yet flipped over Oh my Gosh Can she flip flop back and forth of Tommy to back back to Tamiya as a no she only can do one side and only from back to Tommy she can't flip the other side. Now she's like just flip which Irish you want I'm like oh my gosh, when did you can this ability Yeah. Yeah. So

Danielle Bettmann  23:20  
did did all those conversations and that like commentary make you doubt yourself? Like and doubt your daughter?

Grace Henke  23:29  
I think definitely part of it's like you feel like is it like are my daughter Right? Right? Yeah, this my daughter behind right you know, all this milestone that tell you between the monsters like including now and reading oh my god, your daughter should be able to drink from a sippy cup now. I'm like, No, my daughter can't drink from a sippy cup right now. She absolutely hates it. I tried to push the SuperCab she's alive fight me for you. Like come on. I don't know. And you know and then back then it's like, Oh, your daughter at this age, you should leave her head and she was able to flip I'm like no, she she had to kind of start flipping right but not yet. Right. But kind of for her she always take a little more time. She still obviously the average range. And I still remember I went to the doctor appointment. When she was six months old doctor came me and she's chewing a thing. I call that chew toy obviously called teething toy. Having a dog it just like wears babies to toy, you know? And then that she will be like, and the daughter came in like, Oh, I'm really happy where your daughter's at her development stage just by the fact she's doing that. I'm not Oh, thank God. Thank you for telling me that because I felt I'm behind like I constantly feel I'm behind. I think now I'm little better like people literally send me videos of their kids working and that they're the kids also like a one month younger than my and I'm like, Oh, I don't like oh, she's not working yet. Mm. Good for you. Right it's so hard I have to tell myself my daughter is fine. She's gonna take her time and then you know crawling babies smarter. Come on. That's that's a lot of pressure. Yeah, I think social pressure. It's really I think nowadays especially internet available, right? That's making it worse. Same with dog owner right? I just can't help myself to relate. And sometimes it's like, you know, I'm sure you'll have clients that they just read things online and they got frustrated. They think that's what it's supposed to be and same applies right people online like I read all those Oh, my daughter after a ball this sack my daughter's asleep from zero hours to 12 hours. It was magical was I bought two and didn't change a thing. I'm like, Okay, well, it's not a bad product, but not magical at all. But that's the thing you're reading online. They're telling you you know, when your baby's six months that they should sleep through the night I'm like, No, my daughter didn't sleep through the night. So it's really hard to gauge where you add because sounds like people's kid oh so advanced. And you know, I was born raised in China like everybody compared kids right? I grew up being compared my mom say you see neighbor's kid did this right that whoever's kid the that. And it's really hard a part of me. I think I was working on myself like, Okay, I need to stop comparing my daughter to other people's kid, especially when she's so young. But obviously at the same time, like, Am I missing a milestone? Yeah, that's like I like constantly ask, Am I missing milestones my daughter hitting the milestones and she have a development problem. Right she getting weighed on she She's She didn't eat that much at beginning introducing solid to her was horrible. Like she just not eating and I also hate wasting food. But so hard once you feed her to have to throw away the rest. I knew I never know how much I should take it out. Yeah, like, I think within a week or so she started like eating like a little hungry wolf. Somehow, okay, so she's normal, like I you know, like, okay, she's fine. And then I introduced this new thing called from Gerber called the ham and gravy or something. I fed her and the she's like, give me the gagging song. Oh my God, I want you to do. And then and then I said, maybe she doesn't like it. I'll try the second day. The second day, I give her something she usually likes and then switch to that she begins they start screaming and then just throw away the spoon and everything she has, you know? I'm like, Oh my gosh, she really hates this thing. Luckily my home just baby food don't get wasted because my dog will finish the rest. I'm like okay. God always like feels such a waste like all those food takeout I tried to freeze them before but like previous live like homemade food with breast milk. Then you freeze them you reheat it and then it just smell funky. Right? Like that's not does not working. And I tried to make some homemade food my baby absolutely hate them. I'm like, Okay, I don't know how other moms do this. Everybody tell me so easy. You just do this. And you just put it in mixer and come out. Your baby will just eat it. I tried. Probably a month I was pretty dedicated to making food and then she pretty much hates all of them. And then I just turned to commercial food right now. i She loves them. I'm like, Okay, I'm not even gonna you know. You know, I said, Of course there are people gonna tell me you're bad mothers should not fit commercial food. They're bad, right? Like you should do homemade. I'm like, no time for that and made me feel sad. I'm by the cook. Yeah.

Danielle Bettmann  29:03  
I know that there is at least one mom listening to this podcast that is hitting rock bottom. Not because the kids are awful. Not because she wants to leave her marriage. Not even because of the pandemic. She just wants so badly to be an amazing mom. And doesn't feel like she's anything close to that. Could it be you? Maybe you've heard me talk about parent coaching before and have ruled it out because your significant other would never get on board. What if it was just me and you? I came across a picture of a boxing ring the other day with the boxer looking super beat up and his corner man offering him water, wrapping his injuries and giving him advice for when he gets back out there. I don't know if you felt it. But we're getting beat up out there y'all I can be your corner man. What would it feel like to have relentless encouraging support in your pocket at all times? What kind of a game changer would it be to have a strategic plan to follow, giving you scripts and strategies that will extend your patience and make you proud of your parenting? It's possible. If this is you, I would absolutely love to chat, schedule a no obligation free call, see if we're a good fit. Go to parenting wholeheartedly.com/coaching I can't wait to cheer you on. You have enough reasons to feel guilty and stressed out. Like, that's so much pressure to put on yourself, too. It's already hard enough to know if you are doing your due diligence to make sure that she's in the normal range and hitting the developmental milestones that she needs to and that you're not missing any red flags that you didn't know about. But to have all of that added on of like, well, she's not, you know, as far along or she's not having the home cooked or she's not doing this like, ah, that would drive you crazy. Especially on Yeah, yeah.

Grace Henke  31:18  
It's like never ending right. There's always thinks like, branding. And then we had last last year, we had a housewarming while my neighbor came over and said that, you know, they're your kid. They're always your kid, this other kid like 30 Somethings do with their kid, right? Like you said, the worries never end. And you constantly still think about them care for them. I love them. And then I was pregnant at the time. I know. They're like, yeah, good luck. I'm like, uh, yeah, like, yeah, it's not just the baby. Right? It is. I'm sure. Right now. She has a temper. Right. I told my asthma. I said, she got that from you. Now like, oh, wait till she's a teenager? We're gonna have horrible time. Yeah, it's just, yeah, for sure.

Danielle Bettmann  32:13  
So she's a feisty one.

Grace Henke  32:14  
Oh, she is and one night we talked to sleep consultant. She said, That's my babies. What she called a sensitive as a temperament. So she, like we hold her she fell asleep. The moment you put her down in the crib. She's waking up. She's like, she knew like, Okay, I'm not even not being held anymore. Yeah. And then every time I heard Deb talking, she wake up like that sounds just woke her up for some reason. And does things like that. And then my dog's nails are recently a little longer since I got pregnant. I couldn't trim his nails as often. So he would tap floor and she will wake up. And so yeah, it sounds like I'm like, Oh, my gosh, my daughter have good years. That's a good thing. So you know, you have to like think positive about the thing. And then the dog. Yeah, yeah. And then the sleep consultant also very encouraged that, you know, baby's sensitive, usually they notice small things. It's just a temperament. Everybody has a different personality. That's your daughter's personality. And she also mentioned, that's part of why your baby needs sleep training more than ever, like, because that's kind of caused her not able to sleep. And then but once she's sleep trained, is she going to be a much better baby? It does. Because you use so much brain cells to be easier with those things she needs to actually more rest. Sounds just like dogs.

Danielle Bettmann  33:42  
Yeah, yeah, no, that makes sense. And once you know, your more about your child, then you can stop listening to all the advice as much because there is no one size fits all formula or rubric for parenting. And that's what makes it so complicated and frustrating. But once you really feel like you get to know who your kid is, then you can be more confident, then you can know like this is going to be the right thing for them. Or this is something that I'm not going to worry about or suddenly I'm going to worry about because it's very like outside the norm for this child. But then that's why siblings are so different to which is crazy, because I'll be doing the same thing with another child and they react totally differently. But like that's, that's our superpower as a parent is, I know my child best and anything that's like the thing that you can really take on and put up a shield to some of that pressure to say like, no, like, I'm I've got my eyes on her. I see her day in and day out. I know what she's been doing and how she's been progressing and growing. And if I feel concerned and like my gut, then I'll reach out for help but like Other than that, she's good.

Grace Henke  35:02  
Yeah. Good. Is it? Yeah, I like this you said is because again, it's just I tell my dog training clients trust your instincts, you know your dog the best. Exactly. Yeah. It was funny. I was at a business conference I said, I'm a good dog mom. I don't know if I can't be a good human mom. I was just got fun out. I was pregnant. And then they're, they're like, Yeah, you're gonna be just fine. If you're good dog mom, right? Like, you'll be fine. Sometimes the things just hard when see yourself like, you're just not able to see it. That's why you have like a kind of outsider looking like, okay, yeah, that's where you add, because you get so involved in this. And then with the pressure, I was telling my clients for dog instead of social pressure, right, like your dogs barking. And that they, my client said that the neighbor would think we're horrible people because I have horrible dogs. And I'm bad kids, he probably even worse. Oh my gosh, those kids that right? Yes,

Danielle Bettmann  36:08  
that's a huge thing. When you have eyes staring at you at Target, like what is your child doing? What? Don't you have control over them?

Grace Henke  36:18  
Yeah, so that's yeah, you know, and part of it obviously, working on that, right. As you find training, you try to get support, you do try your best, but at the same time, they're saying they're living creatures, right? They have their problems, they continue to have problems and fix one thing and something else is gonna come up. And as it's kind of like constant reminder, in a sense, like, because I laugh by myself so much when come to my kid, because allow my gosh, I do the same thing like my clients are doing with their dogs. And I can't get myself out of it. I still yet right. Like, yeah, I realized, Okay, I just did that. Like, yeah, yeah.

Danielle Bettmann  36:57  
But if you don't have that awareness, if you don't take that step back and be able to see, like, oh, yeah, I'm getting into that pattern. And I need to get myself out of it. Like, it's so easy to stay there and be so involved, not really being able to see what's the actual problem. And so I'm sure that that's, that will be so valuable for you when you start to make those comparisons and see. Oh, yeah, yep, that makes sense. Because I was feeling that social pressure when I was out, and I was really worried about how she was acting. So what would I recommend to a client? Okay, yep, I need to take that advice.

Grace Henke  37:36  
Yeah, I mean, for sure. Like, today out gonna have a doctor appointment. I was trying to adjust the this baby carrier thing, right, she got so big. Now she does not want to stay in the baby carrier. She will like fight out like she can get her arm out of the straps. Now. I'm like Jesus Christ. And so this baby carrier suppose can't do a hip carrier or whatever. So I was this morning, I was manipulating try to see if she can't be sitting there. Like, okay, I'm gonna try this this afternoon. I said to my baby, probably gonna cry there and then like a maniac. But then I tell myself, Wow, they've seen it all. So they're not gonna sit like your baby's bad? Because they probably seen worse.

Danielle Bettmann  38:15  
Exactly. Yeah, yeah. But it is hard. Because we do feel like they are our report card. Like, we can know that we're doing a good job if they're being good. And it's hard that we have to, like detach ourselves from that, to say, like, they are their own person, they're gonna have their own voice and their own personality and their own problems, and we can do our best. But that doesn't mean if they do something bad or if they're crying that that is a direct reflection on us being a good mom or a bad mom. But that sure is there.

Grace Henke  38:53  
I'm so glad you've like reassurance that like really mentioned, this, I think is really about constantly try and working on that's one thing. The other thing is sometimes the outcome is may not be as linear, right? Like, yes, same again, back to the dogs. Right? Right. My clients lie. I try so hard. My dog doesn't seem to be improving. And then we go down the small things like did your dog used to do this under the law? Oh, my dogs much better than, but as human beings, we tend to focus on the negative things right? My dogs do bad, right? And my daughters do bad, right? Like, sometimes I will say, Oh, she's good sleep at night. But then like, Oh, she's a horrible Napper during the day. Right? She only has take probably like 30 minutes nap. And then then she will be app screaming Oh my gosh, I haven't even started washing dishes yet. And then she's Apple ready? Yeah. And and then the next rounds like please wind down so I can't do laundry. And then. So yeah, and then by that same time, like at least she's a good night's sleep. For now, I mean, that's the probably biggest challenge in our lives right now is asleep at night. And that's I said, Well, during the day, we just kind of have to work through that. And the she might be just not sleeping that much. Then I was told or maybe different. Some people just don't take that many naps. And then they're also people like, Oh, your baby shouldn't have four naps. Each nap should be an hour to two hours, right? I'm not. That's not my kid. She's not sleeping that long. Yeah, yeah. So you're just absolutely right. We didn't talk about that, you know, it's your work on it. And that's, you know, may or may not work or maybe not as significant as we thought that how can it work?

Danielle Bettmann  40:41  
Yeah. But it's all those all those shoulds from the internet and from family and from friends that say, they should do this, or you should do that. And you want to do it, right? Because it's high stakes. Like, this is your kid, of course, you want to do the best you can and make sure that they're doing the best they can. But anytime you get those shoulds, you have to run them through that filter of does this make sense for my kid, knowing what I know about my kid because nobody else knows them as well as I do. And knowing that and being able to take that into account, you can take it all with a grain of salt that says like, oh, yeah, maybe that is something that I should work on some more. You know, I'll help her to stand, you know, and do some more practice, because we haven't been practicing that a lot. Or it's something where it's like, no, those naps don't work for her. It's not worth continuing to beat a dead horse about this. We It isn't like, I need to be okay. With her being different about this. And that's okay.

Grace Henke  41:42  
Yeah, I think that's really something. It almost sounds like common sense, right. But we constantly to hearing it. Yes, we need that, like, the support, right? Sometimes I would need some validation, I was on the right track.

Danielle Bettmann  41:58  
Yes. That's what I hope that this podcast does for a lot of others give them the validation that they're not alone, feeling like they're failing or feeling like they're screwing it up. But it's usually a sign that they're doing their best and that they're worrying about the right things. But they need to take take note that they are the right person for the job, they do know a lot about their child more than anyone else. And they, as long as they're listening to their own gut, they're doing the right thing as long as they you know, keep tabs on things and and listen to red flags and and seek help when they need to. I mean, really, that's the best thing you can do.

Grace Henke  42:38  
That's so awesome. Yeah.

Danielle Bettmann  42:39  
So I'm, I wanted to ask you because I'm fascinated by the way that you kind of wrote out your description that you're an anti obedience trainer. So tell us more about that and that like whole methodology.

Grace Henke  42:55  
So you know, most people wouldn't talk about dog training right people in the in the mind first thing is obedience training. Right? And I'm not saying obedience doesn't have its way of helping and stuff like that my person dogs really obedient. I took him to a very, you know, the dog trainer, agile training military dogs to get him trained. Right, by the same time I happen to have a Taiwan dog. It's actually super popular in Bay Area in California. And I think also in Canada recently it's to Northern Northern America kind of popular dog. They actually a streets dog like feral dogs from Taiwan. And they live on the street and the in the mountains and other people rescued them to find them and then try to adopt them out. Now while and I was kind of CO hosting training for those dogs for like two and a half years. And what I see is those dogs will go through obedience training, but they still have behavior challenges that they can't overcome. And that's when I really like I was pretty successful with my personal dog I always had the point like what's could be missing why those people went through the same program and come come out dogs do they still struggling and then they they felt they did everything they can they're like I have paid the best trainer that they can find for obedience training and my dogs super obedient. But when come to reactivities ly say there's a dog on the other side of street, your dog to start lunging. You can tell your dog to sit right on Tuesday. The dog might trot may try to like, listen, but they can't help themselves. But laundrette the other dog so that's a part of like, okay, the way I've started looking into like different trainings and try to find what's missing gap. And I think I finally like okay, it's a part of it's really the communication between the human that dog wouldn't go through my training. I really feel like I can tell you like, Oh, me and my dog have a special connection. Like I know he's my dog. i The point is like sometimes I joke I say he's so stinky right? I had he needed a bath, he stinks. I like oh, I just smell it. I know which dog is my, you know, like, and I'll and I said yeah, he knows which ones he's mom and I know which ones him right like yeah, I said we know each other you You're my dog. And I think a lot of owners go through trainings that they don't actually feel that way. They just the they the part of about obedience training is really a lot of command, you do this, you do that you do this right? And they're not much the more for me, I feel the combination more but one sided. You tell the dog do this. And we really kind of learn not really ask dog how they feel about it or be if they can do something else that also reach your goal. Obedience Training from a lot of my clients my feelings, they see it as black and white, is there's a right or wrong, right. But in dog training, I think just like raising kids, there's really no right or wrong or no black and white, as I said a lot of gray area, and that there's no such thing as 100% are gonna do this going 100% that do that. And then I started really helping what it's told people as I believe the dog's behavior is a reflection of their mind. And most of the bear reactive human aggressive dog, I say, in reality, they're really fearful. They're really skittish, and the way they showing the aggression, just the way of acting out, that was a symptom. Now using obedience training, it's kind of like you suppress the behavior. Like you don't do that, right. It's like kind of like that. Yep. But you're not really working on the dog like, Okay, how I can help your mind to really see what we call perception modification in science term, like really see the things differently that you see this make you feel different. Like we'll see a stranger used to be scared, you have to try to bite the people because you're so scared. Now I want to tell you the strangers a safe how I can actually show you that. So I think it's more beyond just what people like click and treat, right? A lot of people have a cookie, oh, you just feed our cookie. And sorry, my training, I do a lot of relaxation work for dogs, like teach a dog to learn to become their mind. I say if your dog's mind is calm, then the behavior will follow. Right? You have your dogs, like I said, I always use example say, you know, fire right? We're probably going to freak out what what happens if you freak out, you froze, then you become useless. Things just get worse right? Now why the firefighters able to solve problems in such a situation because they're trained that way. They're they do mental the drills, they're doing their mind work, okay? They understand standards, but they're not phrase, right? Because that you've trained that way, I see how we can help our dog have that mindset in the situation that they've don't feel comfortable. Like, if they can calm their mind, like, Okay, I'm about to freak out. But I can catch myself and relax myself, then I don't have to freak out at least not freak out as much. And that's when that's when I think that really communication between the dog and the owner come in. Because most of my clients will tell me, grace, we feel our dog listens as better now, but not necessarily like they're listened better. They really feel they're being understood. I think a lot of the obedience training it's not they don't actually seeking what dogs interpret that thing. Yeah. And then the other thing, I think it's misleading. I think in the industry as a whole. A lot of trainers do obedience training. They always constantly tell people if your dog problem you have to go do obedience training, and obvious that dog owners think that's what they have to go through. But in real life, sometimes I asked I said so you've there's a dog passing by, what do you want your dog to do? They will tell me I just want dog not bark, not lunch, just chill. They do not want their dog sit on the ground and stay for 10 minutes. That's not what they're looking for. But they felt that's what they have to do in order to solve that problem. Sure. I said I can Yeah, I said I'm able to help you have your dog just passing that dog. Calmly. That's it under there. Like that's actually what I wanted or alone, right? Like, I think that's kind of like yeah, a gap there. So in my training, I don't offer any obedience training. I will tell people I have people like okay, he reached out. I said, What are you seeking? Right? They said, Oh, I just want some basic obedience. I said I don't do that. There's tons of trainer much cheaper than I am right on can probably do a very decent job to get your dog obedience trained. But that's not my specialty. And I don't spend a lot of time too bad. But you have your dog like you're struggling you feel like you especially allow my clients they've tried it. It's not like they'd never done your training. They tried a lot of things. They have trainer come in or they went to group training and then they realize dog is kind of better. Yeah, they do. Lisa They can sit down, stay now sounds pretty cool. And then there's a dog come by their dog still losing mine. Right? That's when they're like, why is the why it's not working? Right. So I hope that kind of answer your questions. Yeah. Yeah, it's really about calming the mind teaching relaxation in dogs, as we do a lot of you know, body language. Also throughout like the, what I call is like, kind of nuances on toxic behavior a lot of my dog dog owners can see say, Oh, my dogs doing this, say my dogs, yours that right? People will say that, but then they just see it as a thing. Let's say, Oh, my dog ears up. And then my dog bark has something right. I said, Okay, now I'm gonna teach you if your dog's ears up, then you do this? Because you already see that. Yeah, right. But, uh, you're not taking actions because you feel like what can I do? Right? Yeah, that said that there actually action you can take to help your dog then as I said, you know, since you start communicating with your dog, because you're like your dog kind of talking to you in the sense of body language. Because your dog can't really talk to you. But your dog in the sense like, hey, my ears I means I said this. Now you get back a conversation like, Okay, I got you this the what? Am I going to help you? Then your dog like, Huh? I surprised she actually got it. Right. And that's the relationship just starts to change. And in general, fair, quickly, the dog realize, Oh, I was not misunderstood anymore. And I think one of the misconceptions in dog training. Also people feel like their dogs were aggressive or reactive people tend to think my dogs are dominant. And but in reality number ones, most of the 90% of dogs are not dominant dogs. Like it's nature, right? It's, like 8020 rule. Most of dogs are followers. And then most aggressive dogs I've worked with, they're extremely submissive, actually make them super reactive.

Grace Henke  52:06  
I think people feel like people like dog acting out means they're dominant. And that I think that's funny. Like, same with humans, right? The biggest bullies, they're not dominant. Right? They're the scare is. Katie is right up inside. Yeah, right. It's the kind of same apply to dogs, like the biggest asshole on the blog. I actually the scariest dog. Like they're actually really scared themselves. I said, He's almost like your dogs. Like, I know, you're gonna judge me. So I have to judge first. And that's when they start reacting out. And they said, but when we see people, we understand that when we see dog, we feel like, Oh, my dog must be the biggest the leader on the blog that's telling everybody go do their thing. I said no. So that's really not what's going on. And, and I think that's also the part of once the dog owners able to recognize that realize, oh, that's again, some communication, right? Because before they thought is completely different. Now they finally get into misunderstanding the start of

Danielle Bettmann  53:13  
change. Yeah. So Oh, my gosh, I love that so much. Because that's it relates to discipline. For humans, in so many ways, like all of the phrase Love, like, the importance of the connected relationship is huge. It's the influencing factor of anything working between a parent and a child. And the behavior of the aggression being the symptom of a deeper issue is 100% how kids act. And there there's becoming a big, bigger paradigm shift now with parenting, where the influence of the importance of obedience and compliance is being questioned, thankfully, where we're starting to realize, oh, there's actually a lot more going on with that child, that if we look at those things, those deeper issues and solve those problems, we eliminate the need for that behavior ever to happen in the first place. And so I help parents find like dig deeper figure out where are the disconnects, have the skills they haven't learned or the needs that they don't have met or the ways that their mind isn't regulated? And and we work on those problems. And then when we work on those problems, the behaviors go away, and it is much less reliant on the, you know, treats and the, you know, reward charts and the punishments, because that's just treating the symptom. Yeah, so I think that's so fascinating that you're doing that in the dog world because hopefully that will become even more prevalent as this understanding grows, because it's just a much better appreciation and respect and dignity for the complexity of the you know, soul inside that dog but also in kids, and we're just grown up kids. So like, if we would feel that same way as an adult like that's how that's how our kids feel, we just need to give them more credit and, and help them because they can't communicate that level of complexity of what's actually going on in their head. So if we can help by labeling giving him benefited out teaching a lot more like all the same things apply. So I think that's fascinating. And good for you for like being that voice in the dog world because I'm sure there's much more obedience trainers and there are people like you out there voicing like, your side of that understanding.

Grace Henke  55:39  
Yeah, I appreciate that. So it's really I think, some obvious some trainers, they're good at what they're doing right? They they help certain type of dogs, which is fine, but I think a lot of owners I think the reason I really focus on shy fear form reactive dogs, those are the dogs being felt the most by other trainers. Because those dog what I was joking about that I was told my daughter is sensitive. I said, my dog is just like my dog. Yeah, and a lot of the shy if you have a dog, they're sensitive. They're very actually in tune very, very observant. Yeah, with humans emotions I have recently working with clients. She's a mother of two. And she's like, I'm nervous all the time with my dog. And so Okay, so and her dog was all nervous all the time, right. So they're just feeding on each other's energy to each other. And I bet that's happened to humans too, right. But obviously, people don't muncom to dogs, we also have the challenges, like, at the end of day, I still tell people I compare dogs on children all the time, but they are still dogs, right? They, they they are animals, they have their side of like, I will not guarantee any dog won't bite anybody in their lifespan, right? You just can't guarantee that sort of thing. So obviously, there's also this plan where the rules are right, you can pee in my house, obviously, that's something Okay, we have to fix. I think I heard a lot of parenting recently. It's similar in dog rule. Like you can't even say no to the child, you can say no to the dog. And that's not right, either. Right. Right. And so the there's there's always consequences in life. And, and that was how also help you learn. Right? And so yeah, I think, you know, they're also you know, everything I bet that the other parenting coach will complement probably have very different approach that you get, right. Yeah. And then by the your sounds like you're doing the thing also, like, apparently very similar to what I trained dogs, which I love that. Yeah. You know, those those things, sometimes we feel so funny, because I was like, Oh my gosh, when I helped my daughter, I like Okay, I just need to kind of using the way I train dogs. But then my husband, like stop saying that, like, she's not a dog as well. But she's little enough, I guess a lot of behaviors to really like nonverbal. Yeah. And it's funny, I teach my clients how to talk to their dog, you know, people usually talk to their dog, but I said again, not helpful way. Very common. Why my people you might even hurt like, it's okay. It's okay. Talk to their dog. I like it's okay, means it's not okay. And so I teach my clients how to talk to their dog, why to use labeling as well. Talk about the emotions and stuff like that. And which is funny. So I said, I said, one thing is, when I teach my client talk to your dog, they're looking at me like, huh, but here's how that when my dog understand. I said, buddy, if you have children, you talk to your child. Do you ever care? She or he understand what you're saying? Even when they're not talking? They're like, No, because you just talk to them. Yeah, right. You don't overthinking? Oh, she won't understand. I won't talk to her to She's five years old. You never could that that never crossed your mind. But when I teach you how to talk to your daughter, like Oh, my dog I understand why would I do that? Right? And then like, come on, like and I have clients I was like saying they feel having a dog so hard. Right under she she happened to be a physician doctor under the mother. And I asked her I said that can't be harder than raising your child. Let's let's just be real about that. There's no way having a dog can be harder than your kid. Oh, well obvious. Some people probably disagree with me. But come on, and I say you're also doctor I bet you anything right now. If I say you have done something, say deliver bad news to somebody they have such a hard time and that's probably in your mind. She said yeah. I said yeah. Can cannot harder than that can help you harder than that. Like you have a dog come on. We can get this through, right like it just I think sometimes. Again, back to social pressure. Like there's so many things, what you're supposed to do. Come to your dog come to your kid and And then we just like, in a sense, almost overcomplicated it? I guess that's kind of how I feel about it. You have people just say you your daughter does grow as it's how it grows, right? I probably like, Okay, I'll be fine. Don't tell me the rent was telling me okay, you if she still can't walk by year old, maybe that's something you should worry about. Instead of saying, Oh, she showed an example, right? Instead of saying you should start walking as early as three months, I'm like, no, no, no. That's where you're like, oh my gosh, I'm so behind, right? Yes,

Danielle Bettmann  1:00:37  
yes, if you can just like trust her to do her thing. And like, whenever it happens, it happens, then yeah, you'll have way less stress about it. And like you talked about, like, when you're feeding off of that bad energy when a parent is anxious, and worried and stressed out, that definitely translate like their kid or kids look to us. And they read our face, and they vibe off of us. And they become us in a lot of ways. So most important thing a parent can do is focus on themselves, and their own mental health and like having a really good perception of what's going on in a very healthy way. Because that translates on 100% to their kids. So I think that's a huge aspect of parenting that's overlooked is just how much it's about the parent and not the kid. Like I always joke that it's not called Child thing. It's called parenting, because it's about us.

Grace Henke  1:01:34  
Oh, I love that. I love that except, well, people always say dog training is about training humans, right? I think more so it's really not about training the human really understanding the dog owners and help them understanding themselves. more so because as humans, our challenges are with projecting. That's right, come to our child, I bet that happens too. And come to our dogs the same and winds come to our dog. Oh, that also create problems when you project him dog because they start feeling bad for the dog. Right? They have hard time displaying the dog. And then they couldn't really see it through right. And then that's when usually come out as something emotional. Challenging it within the owner, themselves not actually have nothing to do with a dog. So yep, that's just parenting. Yeah, that's probably it's called

Danielle Bettmann  1:02:30  
conscious parenting. And it's all about like how you project your own childhood, and the problems of like, how you were parented, and you bring that into your relationship, and then you create, like a self fulfilling prophecy of how you're using that lens of how you see the world. And then like, that's why that behavior triggers you or that's why you freak out and like all these certain ways. Yeah, 100% it's all about oh,

Grace Henke  1:02:56  
I know. You know, I my mom was my mom told me I was a late talker. You and she was very worried. And she's tell everybody I wasn't talking. And then she said old neighbor said, you'll be fine. She wouldn't be able to talk. She will just talk about everything. And then my mom told me that was true. Once I start able to talk, I started like, I couldn't stop talking. Apparently. My dad actually used to pay me $1 If I don't talk keep keep quiet during dinner time. That's how much I talked.

Danielle Bettmann  1:03:32  
So it was unfounded. No, right.

Grace Henke  1:03:34  
Like, yeah, so yeah, so my mom's like, oh, where's the water? Yeah, and I was a Thumbsucker to like the bad one. Apparently, I still have weak memory that I was sucking my thumb. So I was definitely old enough to have that memory. So So I was conscious about when my daughter is sucking her thumb right now like oh my God, should I correct her? Oh, should I give her a two toy instead? Oh, she's Oh, she bite her thumb. It's like I'll have those bite him marks. She had teeth now Rightline them. Oh my god, she hurt. Now tell them so okay, I need to come down. Like you know, it's not a lot of people to tell me that's a good thing. Your daughter is self soothing and they will grow out of it or some like what happened? She didn't grow out of it, then. And then I know it's definitely part of like you said what we went through as a child. I think that's definitely true. And if you haven't don't even for people have child or you've had to have dogs they do have to the dog too. Except maybe not as significant because it has a dog they don't feel like oh, there's no way I'm doing that to my dog. Right? Yeah, but yeah, happens.

Danielle Bettmann  1:04:49  
Believe it. That's so interesting.

Grace Henke  1:04:52  
I know right? That's why I'm I was really excited to get on your podcast because it's a great time. I love to talk to people. Anything coaches like just the similarities? Like

Danielle Bettmann  1:05:03  
yeah, I'll chart ever Yeah, but with your technique and approach, it's aligned to 100%. Yeah. So how can listeners that are dog owners connect with you after this podcast?

Grace Henke  1:05:17  
I think the best was really visit my website to download their free report. It's been sad dash mod stock calm. And the report really like especially you have a challenging dog this report I talk about really three things you can do today to reduce your dog's anxiety reduce your dog's reactivities like today. And I also kind of debunking two biggest industry norms like when you talk about dog training, those two things can pop pop in your head, there's nine out of 10 trainers talk to can a roof recommend to one of those maybe a combination of those. And I tell people you've you're trying to really solving behavior problems stay away from them. Really? Yeah.

Danielle Bettmann  1:05:59  
So you help families virtually,

Grace Henke  1:06:02  
yeah, right now, especially during pandemic, I move everything virtually, before I do both in present our virtual training as well. One thing is my training, mostly what I call hands off, I actually never rarely touch my clients dog during training, even when it's in person. Because actually, number one, I work with a lot of quite dangerous dogs. So without touching actually safer for everybody. Number two is really as i My goal is really to teach the clients do the thing. It's not me working with a dog, it's like I teach my clients, you see your dog do that this what you're going to do next. So they're really getting a hands on experience, because they're gonna go home, spend time with their dogs, and they won't be there for them. Right? I said, if they call me and I handle the dog, I do everything. I hand the dog back to them. They still don't know what to do when they back home. Yeah. And so when it's moved to online, it's kind of like pretty smooth, because I like I didn't really need to reinvent the wheels. I already been doing that is hands off. While my clients did the online workshop with me. She said I was surprised. Because she was skeptical. She's like, I doubt what can you teach me if you don't see my dog? But then she's like, Oh my gosh, the entire concept is different compared to what she knew before. So that she's like, Oh, actually, me seeing or not seeing the dog actually doesn't affect her how she able to help her dog at all. So

Danielle Bettmann  1:07:28  
yeah. Which totally relate because I never see my clients kids. Yeah, I only talk to parents when I'm one. And they are the experts on their kids. They report back we can talk about everything without me ever needing to. I mean, there's times where I've worked with a client for like five months. And then we're finally like, friends on Facebook. And I see a picture of their kids for the first time, which seems so bizarre. Talking about them together for so long, but like it works.

Grace Henke  1:08:02  
Yeah, for dogs, I tell my clients sometimes if they feel they need to take a video they can send to me, Hey, my dog have this behavior very specific, or they're working with a dog. But maybe their timing wasn't right. So they said just send me a video. I can see them on that I can critique you on what's going on maybe your timings not right on delivery of food or something like that. Yeah. And but most of the training been done just online, because really about, just like you said, they described the challenge, and the weight go through, like, what their lifestyles look like what their dog had been doing, what we can do. And then so really is kind of a process going through that and help the dog. Yeah,

Danielle Bettmann  1:08:41  
makes sense. I highly recommend your approach though. I hope that if any listeners are having struggles with their dog, and they resonate with that whole idea of them being you know, fearful or them being aggressive, I hope that they reach out to you. I'll have all those links in the show notes for ways to connect with you. But then the last way that I wrap up every episode is I asked every guest How are you, the mom that your daughter needs? No,

Grace Henke  1:09:08  
right now? I don't know. I don't know if I'm the one she needs. But she wants me all the time. So I must be doing something right. That's my husband jokes because I have milk right?

Danielle Bettmann  1:09:23  
Yep, that helps to

Grace Henke  1:09:26  
my daughter like, right. But I think part of it is really I think I grew up especially the culture and my mom's personality and she grew up in a very hard time she grew up in Cultural Revolution and the students were really hard time. So when she raised me there's a lot of negativities to how I grew up. So I think part of me really like I constantly like remind myself I don't want to repeat that to my daughter but obviously I know I'm still gonna make mistake is still going to be hard for me, but really how to allow my daughter to be her own person. And really and the endless Yeah, like I mentioned, and she had a temper I said, how I can help her when she grow older, like understand how to deal with her own emotions rather than just blow up all the time. Yeah, so she's not acting crazy. And but I said, I was telling my husband we need to help her when she is like understanding her emotions. We start actually labor now you're frustrated, and you're crying and do not like the food. You want something else. Right. So and as a result, just trying, even though she just kept screaming anyway. But the part of is we're like, well, so proud of her because she apparently knows what she wants. Yeah, she's not getting it. She's letting you know, I'm not getting what I want. You better give me what I want. Otherwise, I will give you a very hard time.

Danielle Bettmann  1:10:50  
Good for her. Yeah. Yeah, no, it sounds like you're such an amazing mom, you need to give yourself more credit. I think you have really, really good instincts and background to be able to have a lot of strategies to apply. And I think you'll have to tell your husband that like, he just needs to pay attention every time you're making a correlation between like, it's just like what I do with my dad clients like it works. It's the thing to do. And you're right, so there's that.

Grace Henke  1:11:23  
I know. All right.

Danielle Bettmann  1:11:25  
Yeah. Well, I'm so glad that you came and you shared your time with us today. Thank you so much for all of the like stories and just being able to share so openly with us. I really appreciate it.

Grace Henke  1:11:38  
I'm so glad to be here and glad to get to know you too.

Danielle Bettmann  1:11:46  
I feel like Grace did a great job promoting the anti obedience human training that I do. Isn't it fascinating though, how much we're learning and how much credit we can give our tiny humans and furry friends. When they feel better, they do better. Next episode, you'll get to hear from Jamie Cooper, a mom working really hard to maintain strained relationships with her parents and struggles with boundaries. I'm sure you can relate. 

Danielle Bettmann  1:12:15  
Do you feel like you're getting beat down by 2020 I'm here to be your corner man. Pick you up off the floor. dust you off. Wrap up your bandages and send you back swinging. You can do hard things but sometimes we just need help. Go to parentingwholeheartedly.com slash coaching to learn more about how I can help and schedule a free call. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on

Transcribed by https://otter.ai