Failing Motherhood

[REPLAY] Special Needs Parenting, Guilt for Siblings, and Mama Bear Love with Paulette Pinero

December 19, 2023 Danielle Bettmann | Parenting Coach for Strong-Willed Kids Episode 135
Failing Motherhood
[REPLAY] Special Needs Parenting, Guilt for Siblings, and Mama Bear Love with Paulette Pinero
Show Notes Transcript

Originally Aired: September 8th, 2020

If nothing prepares you for parenting... how can you possibly be prepared to parent a child with special needs?

After trying everything & realizing her son wasn't able to get the help he needed, Paulette risked everything to leave her home country of Puerto Rico.

After devoting her all to her son, Paulette felt like the ultimate failure when she realized she was missing obvious signs her daughter was behind at school.  Paulette felt like she wasn't doing enough and it was all her fault.

This episode is an ode to a dedicated teacher, the sacrifices we make as moms, and learning to step back to watch our kids fly.

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Paulette Pinero  
I just couldn't continue to wait. And I knew that the older he got the more difficult but I also knew that he just needed someone that understood his needs, and he would be able to flourish. And now he's 13 and I've been proven right.

Danielle Bettmann  
Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood, I mean? Have too much anxiety. And not enough patience. Too much yelling, not enough play. There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right. This is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you. You feel like you're screwing everything up. And you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud. This podcast is for you. This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann. And each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real. Showing her insecurities, her fears, your failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough and you're not alone. I hope you've happened ear buds somehow sneak away and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend, we're so glad you're here. 

Danielle Bettmann  
Hey, it's Danielle. Thanks for tuning in. You are not going to regret the time that you devote to this episode today. Have you told a friend about failing motherhood? Friends don't let friends miss out. Do you agree with this mom? She wrote I can appreciate Danielle's approach to motherhood. So match. She's extremely relatable and makes asking for help approachable. She's an awesome cheerleader to have in your corner. Thank you. If you have taken the time to leave a rating or review, I really appreciate the support. I've seen so many posts and moms groups and social media lately, where moms are just falling apart. We're overwhelmed, exhausted, wishing they could give up and know that they don't have that choice. I wanted this podcast on the airwaves to meet each Mom where they're at. And while it doesn't alleviate their pain, or solve all their problems, at least it can help them feel less alone. 

Danielle Bettmann  
I can't wait for you to hear Paulette's story. We know in our fierce Mama Bear hearts that will do anything for our kids. But Paula really does put it all on the line. Nothing prepares you for parenting. But even more so nothing prepares you for raising a child with special needs. her tenacity is inspiring. Here's our conversation.

Danielle Bettmann  
Welcome to Failing Motherhood. My name is Danielle Bettmann. And on today's episode, I'm joined by Paulette, Paulette Pinero is a Puerto Rican mother of two, a leadership coach, a podcaster and owner of lead media, a management and strategy consulting company that works with emerging leaders and organizations to develop diverse, equitable and inclusive challenge strategies. Welcome, Paulette. Thanks for joining me.

Paulette Pinero  
Excited to be here. Yay. Yeah.

Danielle Bettmann  
So have you ever felt like you were failing motherhood?

Danielle Bettmann  
Every day? Yes. Sometimes a little bit more. Welcome to the club.

Paulette Pinero  
Thank you. You're my people.

Danielle Bettmann  
Yes, you belong here.

Paulette Pinero  
Yeah, I do. I do. And I'm learning that it's okay.

Danielle Bettmann  
It's okay. Yes, that is exactly what this podcast is all about. We are owning it, and we're gonna make it through our kids are gonna survive. And we're gonna survive. Hope. Yes. So I know that you have raised a lot of adversity in your story. So I can't wait to hear more about it. But kind of take us back. Set the scene. Who were you before becoming a mom?

Paulette Pinero  
Yeah, so I had just started college. I don't know why I decided to get married at 19. I was raised by very Catholic grandparents, but I've always been the rebel. And, you know, my grandma was like, why don't you get married with a boyfriend of yours? How we know that key, you know, goes into your dorm, and will pay for it. And I was like, You know what, you can get divorced at any time. So I did. I got married at night. And had my son Alex when I was 20. And, you know, when I talk about motherhood, I always talk about, you know, my family was like, Oh my God, where are you doing? You're so young. Maybe you shouldn't have gotten married. You see stories you hear from other people you hear about motherhood, but what no one prepares you for even at a young age is to have a child with disabilities. And my son, you know, I had I had problems throughout the whole pregnancy. He was born at 32 weeks, I was able to take him home and a couple of days after we were back in he had pneumonia. And we were in and out of the hospital for his first year we spent Christmas New Years. We celebrate Three Kings Day in court, but we go over there for that. I was there after for my birthday. And when it was time for him to kind of be showing some development and hitting his milestones. He was not there. He had hearing loss and I no one ever prepared me to to for that. They have prepared me for like how to breastfeed and I went to classes and you know, even giving birth, which was 28 hours of shooting a coconut and like my mom said I was just like pushing a coconut, like you do, like you do all the time. And when no one ever prepared me to have a child with special needs, and I had to give up, you know, I was in school that my son's dad, my husband, at the time, we were very young, he was the same age, I was able to manage it. And he wasn't he was just unable to manage the constant hospitalizations, doctors, you know, just even getting him to a preschool was hard, because he wouldn't speak, he wouldn't allow other children to catch him. You know, being able to like, hey, you need to pick up Alex because he's crying and when you don't know what to do, and be able to leave your job to resolve that, like, there's nothing that can prepare you for that. And I had never had that experience in my family. Nor was even something that my family was speak about. And, you know, becoming a mom immediately had me feeling like I was feeling another one. Because of that, I'm

Danielle Bettmann  
like, Yeah, motherhood alone, even if you're like, 35, with a typically developing baby, it's hard enough as it is because we expect to know what we're doing. And then you don't shock surprise. But I can't even imagine being so young and taking on the responsibility of such a burden of like, weight of responsibility, you know, not that your child's a burden, but that you just have such a sense of I need to do everything I can to get this child the help they need. What did that feel like for you?

Paulette Pinero  
And I just felt I remember from the ages, from when Alexander was two and a half, until three and a half, I cried every day, I would put him to bed and I would cry because he wouldn't speak. So I didn't know if he was hungry if he was, you know, if needed water, like, I just didn't know. And it was just me and Alex, he, you know, no one could take care of him. No one can babysit other than you know, he would stay with my mom, and he will only eat french fries, with my mom would just like, go to McDonald's, get french fries, and just be like, Hey, Alex, here you go. He would start screaming because he couldn't speak if whatever he was feeling, he would just scream, he would hit himself. And I cried. Every single day, I remember I would work full time, I was a program coordinator at a university then pick him up from daycare, then drive 40 minutes to leave him with my mom. And then I was able to enroll in a very small campus right next to her home and take classes until 930 and then go back and then drive back and be home. And I wasn't even able to to finish my degree at that time. Because then it just got more severe. As you know, when you're two and three, no preschool is able to manage that behavior. But when you're a four year old, a five year old, the school setting is not prepared for that. And I had to go and work full time in the evenings and then just be on call at home while he was at school.

Danielle Bettmann  
Oh, wow. Because it his body got bigger. So that meant that he was more out of control than for the teachers.

Paulette Pinero  
Yeah. And then that the teachers like it's one thing to see a two year old three year old crying because someone touched them is you don't feel as comfortable if that happens with a four or five year old. And then I you know, I paid for private school to try to get services and get, you know, a better opportunity for him through private school and it still didn't work. I remember that I went to his first parent teacher meeting. And his teacher said, you know, you have high hopes for Alex and you need to understand that children with the his degree of autism will not be able to achieve that. And it broke my heart and I also wanted to kill that teacher.

Danielle Bettmann  
Yeah, that's devastating. To have someone say that to you.

Paulette Pinero  
You Yeah, and I, my husband and I, you know, I, I ended up with someone who I known since I was 11. You know, we kind of like reconnected on Facebook through, like, he posted a lyric of a song that I liked, I was still in my emo phase. Like 23. And he was living in Massachusetts, and I was still in Puerto Rico. And we were kind of like, dating, socially distant. Very. Um, because we had known each other since we were kids. And, you know, he knew the education system, Massachusetts, and know what, that's something that I had been looking for. And, you know, I've tried, I tried private school, then we tried public school, and, and I decided I couldn't do it anymore after that meeting. So I left my job. We sold everything that we had. And all four of us went into a one bedroom apartment in a family member's home in Boston. And it was, at that time, it was me, him. Our one year, not even one year old daughter, and then Alex. And it was not easy. Yeah, it was not easy, but I just couldn't. I just couldn't continue to wait. And I knew that the older he got the more difficult, but I also knew that he just needed someone that understood his needs, and he would be able to flourish. And now he's 13. And I've been proven right?

Danielle Bettmann  
Yes. Look at you, that is a fierce Mama Bear. I love that story. Because now you're able to see how it pays off. But then you had no guarantees. You were like risking everything. And shaking your dice to say, I think it's worth trying, because I need to know that I did everything I could to get him the help that he needed. That's amazing. And God

Paulette Pinero  
has been, you know, that has been my motherhood journey. Even just my personal journey is so tied to be me being a mom. The career choices that I made. Everything that I have decided on has always been, you know, about this big sacrifice, because we know my husband has no, his parents live in Rhode Island, like an hour away from us, but it's just the four of us. And, you know, we have sacrifice our kids being raised with their family, with their grandparents, you know, the things that we love about Puerto Rico and our culture, to be able to give Alexander an opportunity for him to be successful. And most of the time, it felt like we were drowning, I'm sure. But every time he hit a milestone, we moved here in April 2013. And Mother's Day 2014. He sat me down, he started talking. And he read a whole book and he was like this My Mother's Day gift. What you can imagine how much I cry, I'm gonna cry. And I said, Yeah. And he just like mom said, he said those two words and I'm like, Okay, I'm sad. I love you. And he pulled out this small book. And he read a whole book. It was in first grade and he read a whole book. And I've always had that I owe my life to miss Brockington. As Brockington is part of our family. She lives like 10 minutes from us. Alexander just finished seventh grade and she knows about like, she has gone to swim me She has gone to concerts like Re and she was only his first grade teacher.

Danielle Bettmann  
Oh, that's the sweetest, but

Paulette Pinero  
she would stay after school as he waited for the school bus. She would stay with him to practice reading to practice speaking. And we saw that all the sacrifice was worth it and we know the sacrifice was worth it. But as we were going through it, it just it just felt bad and it felt like we're not doing enough and I felt like it was You know, it was all my fault. Or, you know, why did I have a child so young? Or like, Why did I do this? Why, like all the time, but it's so exciting to see him. He's on the honor roll right now at school. Wow, I've been the honor roll. And he's been in plays and so much progress because of that sacrifice. But it just takes time.

Danielle Bettmann  
Yeah. Wow. That's so powerful. I'm thrilled to hear that he's doing so well. I'm sure that was thrown a wrench in your plans with everything being shut down this spring.

Paulette Pinero  
Yeah. All right. Not only that, I was hospitalized with COVID. Oh, you were Yeah. And I was at the I was in ICU for a week and a half.

Danielle Bettmann  
Ah, yeah. I'm so glad you're okay.

Paulette Pinero  
No, thank you.

Danielle Bettmann  
Yeah, how stressful?

Paulette Pinero  
It was. It's still. 

Danielle Bettmann  
Yeah, that's traumatic.

Paulette Pinero  
Yeah, it is. And there's just, I have learned that in motherhood, like, there's always something that's going to happen, and that you can prepare for things, but I have just learned to kind of like, embrace it. And know that I have the kind of like the tools to be able to like if I was able to, like, do this with Alex and I was able to do A, B and C like, I'm gonna make it. Yeah, I'm gonna make it. I don't know how.

Danielle Bettmann  
Yeah, like, you can look at your life experience and your track record. And it proves to you. You've done it before you can do it again. Yeah, and we need those experiences in life, just like our kids need those experiences to boost their actual self confidence. Like, we can't just like tell them no, you're gonna be great. You're amazing. Good job, good job. They have to actually know and themselves, like I've done something I'm proud of. That makes me think that the next task I'll be able to do you know, and like as moms, we need that too, which only comes through the hard things.

Paulette Pinero  
Yeah. And I put so much love and care and time into our legs in Sofia. It's no, it's like, pull on need some love to?

Danielle Bettmann  
Oh, yeah.

Paulette Pinero  
Come on. You're great too, Paulette.

Danielle Bettmann  
Yeah, no, there's no room for self care when you're drowning. for that. 

Danielle Bettmann  
I already know that you're striving to be an intentional parent, by listening to this podcast? Is your home life? Not lining up with where you know, it could be? Are you dreading family time? Are you sick of arguing with your spouse about discipline? I can help. Coaching allows us the opportunity to talk through everything, problem solve solutions, and provide the support and accountability for you to make the changes and see the changes. Go to parentingwholeheartedly.com/apply slash coaching to learn more and schedule a free call today.

Danielle Bettmann  
So what did it look like for you with your second daughter? How has that been a different experience? You know, with parenting her? I'm assuming that is she typically developing?

Paulette Pinero  
Yeah, and oh my god, Sofia is just Alexander's complete opposite but they complement each other. So well. Alexander will never one to admit that. He's 13. He's cool. He's kind of

Danielle Bettmann  
Gotta tarnish that reputation.

Paulette Pinero  
But, but they've always needed each other. So for you started speaking. Before she was nine months, she was saying some words. And then when she was one, she was like little mobile. Wow. And she Sofia learned what I like Zander needed. So Alexander would start a conversation. And he stutters so Sofia would finish it for him. And he would look at her like, yeah, what she's saying. So so like she has back. Yeah, she is Alexander's attorney. There's nothing that Alexander can do wrong in her eyes. She even if he gets in trouble for like, no, Sofia, you're not playing or like, don't do this or They bicker all day. Um, Like Alexandra what happened? She's like nothing. Nothing my brother like, you didn't do anything. Did you do some? No, no meat Not me either. Like, I didn't do anything either. But she will defend him then she'll turn around and be like, Alexander. That was mean, you know, I can tell mommy right. But you she, she'd develop not only for himself, but to be able to help him and everything that he needed. He was bullied once. And no kids were making a lot of insensitive comments. No, they I had one of his friends. His dear friends made a comment up like, well, I likes you know, you won't get deported because you're white passing but your mom isn't. So start, you know, get ready to say goodbye. Yeah. You know, conversations fourth graders apparently have? Yep. Oh, gosh. I know. And, you know, he came, he came crying and he wasn't able to articulate because No, self regulation and emotional discussions are still difficult for him. He has ADHD, but he also has autism. And we're able and when he told us and Sophia hurt, so he was like, so tomorrow, I'm going to your school. I'm going to tell this person and I'm like, through kindergarten. You're not You're not going to school. Like that's, that's not how it works. Sofia. She's like, he can punch me and I'm like that. Sofia, whoever taught you that you can punch people. Like, I can do it on this one. And I'm like, what's happening? No, no, if anyone's hearing this, don't call. Don't call them Louise's. She was like, who's gonna punch a kindergartener like I'm super cute. can't punch me back. I'm Sofia, we'll have this conversation after we're done with your brother.

Danielle Bettmann  
We handle one problem at a time. 

Paulette Pinero  
And my husband's like, what is happening? What is happening? No. So she has been hard. But then I have, you know, Alexander is quiet and an introvert and then Sofia just fills the room all the time. And she's, you know, so amazing. And they're both. They're both so cool. I love my kids. And they're so cool. But no, I have a passion for Frozen, too. I will watch it whenever I have the chance. And Sofia won't watch it again. Because like, Mom, come on, how many times can we watch Frozen to what you're saying? You're watching it with me? Why? Don't want to watch it again. And chose the youth? And then Alexandra will come like, I don't like it. But I'll watch it with you. Oh, they're complete opposites. They complement each other? Well,

Danielle Bettmann  
your kids are the best.

Paulette Pinero  
For they're really cool. I have I have a lot of fun with them.

Danielle Bettmann  
Yeah. Did you ever feel like you are feeling like pull because I know every parent feels like they want to be able to balance their attention between multiple kids, you know, to make sure that they're all getting quality time. But if you have one child that has extra needs, then do you feel like you weren't able to give? You know, Sofia as much attention at some points or how did you try to balance that?

Paulette Pinero  
Yeah, I think, no, it's very easy to me to tell my story as Alexander's mom, because it's one that I'm proud of. But when Sofia is different, I remember that I got a call last year when she was in first grade. And almost at the end of a first grade, and I got a call from her teacher saying, you know, Sofie is not doing well in math. I think it's time for us to talk. And I was just like what? No. And I went to that meeting with my husband. And I remember as she was talking about Sofia and how she was struggling and I knew that she needed extra help with math with her homework. But I didn't know how much extra support the teacher was giving her in the classroom just for her to be able to do her homework at home, and that sometimes her teacher wasn't even sending her math home. work. So she didn't struggle outside of the classroom. And as we were talking, I just started crying. And I felt like that is one of those big moments where I was like, What have I done? I've paid so much attention and I have giving my life to for Alex and all the sacrifices, and I am failing Sofia, and I just could not stop. I felt like I, I was failing, I was like, This is it. Like, it doesn't matter everything that you have done, you have officially failed your daughter, what type of person are you? And it was, I was, you know, I went back and talked to her. And she was having a really hard time because my, my mom and my stepdad have divorced. And, you know, now she was having trouble at math. And it was clear, like, she knew that she was having trouble at math and that now there is another teacher that's going to help me. And we went to the movies. And she had a full blown panic attack at the movie theater. And I, you know, I was able to, you know, I had to take her to the car, and it was so bad. And I just tried to hold my tears as I'm helping her and I was like, You have failed, you failed her. She's She's not doing well in school. She's not doing well, emotionally. You're not a good mom, you don't know how to raise daughters, you don't know how to raise Sofia. And I was able to, you know, get her to see a therapist, and there has been a big change. And, you know, we tutor her in math. They did evaluations. And she, you know, she didn't get no services through the school. With some extra support. It was enough. But at that moment, it was just like, What are you doing? Like, just because Sofia has always been beyond her years and she eloquently speaks like, young, a teenager. She's still my baby. And I cannot believe that. I forgot about that.

Danielle Bettmann  
Can you give yourself grace now looking back?

Paulette Pinero  
Yeah, I know. Yeah. Now I can't. And also, like, I started seeing a therapist because of it, because the shame and the pain was so bad, that I was like, I cannot get help get her help, without helping myself because I'm not gonna be there for Sofia. If every time something happens, I'm just gonna start crying. So I started seeing a therapist who and and it really brought us stronger, because it wasn't just her managing her emotions, emotions, as a child, it was like, oh, adults go through this too.

Danielle Bettmann  
Yeah. And they live that out by example.

Paulette Pinero  
And this is an you know, she will go and she would talk to me, I will go with her on her therapy sessions. And I will be there with her and kind of like, help her navigate. And I will tell her about mine after I was done. And then I spoke with my therapist, and I said, I would like to bring Sofia to one of my sessions. And I was able to bring her with me and kind of talk through it together about what had happened and how and how I was feeling. I you know, I told her, you know, I feel like a bad mom and I'm sorry. And she was like "No Mommy, you don't worry, you did what you needed to do." And I really brought us closer but wow, I was had been so focused on it. I was just a lot I felt a lot of shame. Like that's not reality. I'm going to be very honest. I just felt so much shame because like I said, Alexander story. It's easy to tell because I was able to control it but that story with Sofie I it just felt like it was out of control the time. Yeah,

Danielle Bettmann  
so that helplessness took over of like, you can prevent it. You can't do anything about it. You felt like it was your fault. All of that piled on where? What did what work did you do through therapy that really kind of brought light to either where that was coming from or like what you could do differently, to you know, help give yourself more grace and see that you're doing the best you can.

Paulette Pinero  
One of the things that I learned through therapy, my husband will side When he told me this before, is that Alexander had hit. You know, Alexander was doing so bad, so much better. But I was like, I was a helicopter mom. If I could go into the classroom with him, I would have.

Danielle Bettmann  
Understandably, yeah.

Paulette Pinero  
You know, if he needed anything as like, I'll do it. I'll do it. And now he was 10. He was he was 11. He was in Scouts. And I will go to the Scout meeting and said, Where are the kids sad? And he's like, Well, Mommy, you can go with the parents go or like pick me up at eight. And my husband's like, you need to give him a space like you. We've put all the sacrifices you have sacrifice your life and your career and all these things. For Alex, to be able to do this things independently, you need to step back. That was very hard. And that was something that I work through the therapist because I was so scared, I was like, but if I'm not there, then they'll go back or things will work out or like how am I going to fight for services, like it had always felt like it was a constant struggle and fight that I didn't know how to enjoy it. I didn't know how to be excited about his progress, because it was always scary. Always. One two, he had ear surgery he had like, all these things, trying out medication. Like it was always it was always so scary. And working with with the therapist, I was able to kind of like, uncover why, and like go back into my childhood, but also a lot of guilt of me, you know, marrying very young and being in the in a wrong relationship with his his father. He hasn't had contact with his biological father in a long time. So I felt even though my husband is a stepdad, he's in the process of adopting Alex, which Alex is is super excited. But I always felt like I need to be to people. And I was able to also like work on myself. And that helped me be a better mom. It helped me be a better mom for Alex. It helped me get rid of a lot of that guilt for Sofia. Because being honest with myself, like, you're not three people. You're not three pullets you're not three moms. You're not You're not a mom and a dad for Alex and a mom four fourths of the great one person. Right? Yeah. During her best with a lot of love. Yes.

Danielle Bettmann  
Yeah, that's an important thing to realize. Yeah.

Paulette Pinero  
So being able to talk through that, and then have that experience with Sofia seeing a therapist for a couple of months. Like, it just changed the way that I parent, my kids, but also, how I talk to myself. Good.

Danielle Bettmann  
Oh, my gosh, I am so glad that you sought that help. Because that can be so intimidating, and scary and hard to put yourself out there in that way. And feel like, like you're failing enough to need it. You know.

Paulette Pinero  
That's how I felt. And there's someone who went to school for social work. And I was like, but but I know these things like, I'm sure I know what the tool are. Why do I need to go see someone else? Like, yeah, open a book by Google enough and know which ones are good and which ones are not? Right. No, that's

Danielle Bettmann  
the reality. Yeah, we have everything at our fingertips. So why? Why do we need any? Yeah.

Paulette Pinero  
And I, you know, I barely take time to like, use the bathroom without an interruption. Like, who has time for an hour? For real? Yeah, yeah. It was the best decision that I that I made for myself and also for my family. 

Danielle Bettmann  
I'm so glad. So what are you doing differently? Now, because of that? Are you less of a helicopter parent? Yes.

Paulette Pinero  
Yes. I'm really happy about that. It doesn't mean that I don't freak out. But she's allowed to, like spend the night at his friend's house. And, you know, when he turned 12, and he wanted to take the school bus, I was like, okay, and then I didn't stand next to him waiting for the school bus in the morning. And, you know, he's like, he cooks, you know, he makes breakfast for himself, because I was like, Oh my God, you know, his motor skills are not good. So he can't, he can't put things like he can't boil an egg. Was that by giving him a lot of independence, but also independence for him to make the wrong choices. That's huge. Yeah, you know, talking. And now I know that, you know, he, we continue to work on him being having initiative, it was because I was doing everything for him. And I've had that conversation with him a couple of times of like, you know, I did all these things for you, and what I did was wrong. And I want to make sure that we give you the tools to be successful. So No, Mom is not there to resell. Mom is there to talk about it, to give you advice, to give you feedback, have you moanin. But no, you need to take initiative. And he went from, you know, me sitting down for two hours after school every day, to him coming from school, doing his homework by himself and then showing me to now I'm like, where are your grades? When is it but he's on the honor roll. He's been in the he was in the honor roll last year, he's in the honor roll this year. You know, he like there is we live in a small town and there's like the town library. And that's a cool place to hang out. And he'll call me and say, Hey, I'm going with my friend to the library. Can I walk to the library? And the first time was like, so it's a two minute walk? Yeah, he can be kicked up, you know, he can die with weight loss. Of course he

Danielle Bettmann  
can. Yeah, at any point.

Paulette Pinero  
And I was like, Sure, sure. Okay. And I know, he told me during lunch break, and I was at the library working. And he got there. And he's like, hi, mom. No, let me know when we're leaving. And I was like, oh, so he's been cool. Me being here. What?

Danielle Bettmann  
Yeah, yeah. Right.

Paulette Pinero  
And then also changed me. My, it changed my relationship with Sophia, where we're able to have, you know, deeper conversations and can't, you know, get rid of the guilt, but I, I was able to have those conversations with her. And one of the things that it has helped me the most is that it has given me the emotional and capacity to take care of myself. And do an apply for jobs that I'm passionate about, and you know, have jobs where I travel a lot. Because now I'm doing when I you know, things that I like things that I want, because I know that they are okay, but also that we have a plan for things and I don't need to be the person resolving it. Just holding everything all the time. And, you know, I had a lot of arguments with my husband about that. He's like, but I'm here like, I'm not your helper. I'm third dad. Yeah. And no, be like, no, no. Yeah, you know, of course, I know that. But I wasn't being authentic. I wasn't being honest.

Danielle Bettmann  
Yeah. So that's so hard. That's so hard for every mom to be able to relinquish that control but and navigate that relationship with their spouse, but even more when you feel like there's more stakes to lose of things that you have fought so hard to get and sacrifice to get there where you're at. It's fragile. Yeah.

Paulette Pinero  
I remember the first time he took Alex to one of his specialist appointments. He was like, let's put this into practice. I'm gonna take you and I'm like, but if I'm not there, I don't know everything that was discussed. And every agreement was like, you gotta report at the end. And I'll take notes. And because I was traveling for work, I remember I was traveling to Atlanta. And then I'm like, No, I won't, I won't, they'll be fine. They know, like this in agreement about me. And my family was like, no, just go. And I went and no one died. Yeah, you gotta record he gave me the note. And you know, I've been able to do so many amazing things. Now I have been able to open a business which I thought I was gonna like, I can open up a business maybe after Alexander finishes college. But I was able to do it because it not only changed the way that I perceive myself as a mom, but I'm a woman too, apparently. Yes. You are like, I can have bigs that do things.

Danielle Bettmann  
Yes. Yes, you are still the you you were prior to all of this changing you growing you evolving you to become the woman you are today. But yeah, you cannot not embrace your own identity. Because that is another thing that your kids can learn so much from is how you just live your life and show them what's possible. That's amazing. I'm so excited for you.

Paulette Pinero  
Yeah, and I talked to them about afterwards, especially Alex, who's older. And I've talked to him, we actually talked about this, like a week and a half ago, of neuro I went from being a child to a teenager to a mom, I didn't take time to know who I was, and who I wanted to be. And now I'm figuring that out. And I want you to have that opportunity. I want you to have that time. Because it's so important. It is. It's, it's important for you to do that. And there's a lot of things when you're a teenager and you're growing up that sounds very appetizing and sounds very exciting. But, you know, always come back and talk to me about it. Talk to your dad, talk to someone that you trust, and we'll give you a good advice on. Everything can happen. But it's okay. If some things Wait, or it's okay, if you do them later. Yeah, because I didn't have I didn't have time to figure out who I was as an individual or as a woman. Like I wanted to be. wanted to be a computer engineer when I graduated. High School, that is not what I went to school for. And that is not what I do. And I'm very happy that I don't do.

Danielle Bettmann  
That worked out then it

Paulette Pinero  
did work out. But I just didn't have time to be able to figure out all those things. And I'm excited that I'm I'm doing that I prioritize that. But I'm also, you know, sharing my story with my kids. So so they know that they're different paths and different stories and and that they can make good decisions for themselves.

Danielle Bettmann  
Yeah, you sound like such a good mom. Oh,

Paulette Pinero  
thank you. Okay,

Danielle Bettmann  
they're so lucky to have you.

Paulette Pinero  
Try. Nice when other people say know? Her good mom.

Danielle Bettmann  
Yes, yes. Because when you believe it, then you do actually get even better at it. You know, we Yeah, to have that mindset of like, I can do this, and I am the right person for the job. And I've done it before I'll do it again. You know?

Paulette Pinero  
Yeah, we lose no good. When we go to an interview, I'm a leadership coach, and I coach, especially Coach women, and a lot of the women that I talk to, are either moms or caregivers. And no, it's very easy for us to learn how to sell, sell ourselves for an interview. But back and you know, in this previous job, I have this experience, these are my skill sets, and we connect it to the job description so well. But we don't extend that to when we talk about motherhood to ourselves.

Danielle Bettmann  
Yes,

Danielle Bettmann  
oh my gosh, I just made me think of like, if you had to write a motherhood resume, of like, all the things that you've done and proved yourself with, in the past of like, all the struggles you've overcome and the things you've sacrificed and like the problems you've solved, like if you had that on paper, you'd be like wow, I'm a badass

Paulette Pinero  
Whoa, yeah, like we need that proof.

Paulette Pinero  
Yeah, like those are all the skills that I have the qualifications the years of experience that's yes, that's fine. You know, we know how to put up birthday party together right you know, oh, the cake fell you know, I can make one cupcakes. Oh, of course.

Danielle Bettmann  
I cannot that's why the image on the podcast is a cupcake fallen over but that's me I can do other things. Well,

Paulette Pinero  
I don't do it great, but I can do it. I can also get in the car and find the closest bakery and be lighter. Yeah. I'm sure $20 Payable

Danielle Bettmann  
Yes, great.

Danielle Bettmann  
Yes, I can whip up a good science fair project, you know, if you need to last minute or

Paulette Pinero  
Hey, Alexander is trying to prepare for the eighth grade and he does not want to do a volcano. So now I know what to call

Danielle Bettmann  
Oh, tell us more about what you do now. Yeah,

Paulette Pinero  
so I had been dreaming of launching my business and, you know, shared of, you know, my journey and all the work that I've been doing the last, you know, two years on myself. But when I was at the hospital with COVID, I, I had to sign paperwork as they did not expect for me to leave the hospital, to sign paperwork. I had to, you know, talk to the social worker and tying paperwork for my husband to take my order accounts, because I was not going, I was not leaving the hospital. That was not the plan. And while I was there, I said, I am never put it if I leave this hospital, I'm never going to postpone my dreams is not happening. I need to live the same life that I want my children to, to live, I am someone else's daughter, I deserve all those amazing things that I want for my kids. And I said, if I, if I leave, I'm just gonna do this. Like, I'm gonna do it. And I loved and I submitted my LLC paperwork, and I am a full time business owner. So

Danielle Bettmann  
yes, girl,

Paulette Pinero  
very excited. I do leadership coaching, I focus on coaching women, or emerging leaders, or who are leaders themselves. I'm so excited. I love it. I love doing this every day. It's just something that I love doing. So I created the media. And I had, I went to see a business coach, and he was like, why lead media? Why not lead consulting because I do business and nonprofit consulting. And I said, it's weight media, because this is going to be a full media conglomerate.

Danielle Bettmann  
I know what nice, I'm gonna publish,

Paulette Pinero  
I'm gonna podcasting. I'm gonna, like, have everything. So I'm gonna start small with coaching and consulting. But I know where this is going, because I know what I want. And I'm working on it. So Oh, my gosh.

Danielle Bettmann  
That is badass. I am so proud of you.

Danielle Bettmann  
So he was like, okay, that's nice.

Paulette Pinero  
You and your dreams? Yeah. That's curious. Yeah. And I'll do it in Spanish and English. So more.

Danielle Bettmann  
Yeah, twice the clients for sure. That's awesome. So exciting. So I will link all the things of where people can connect with you in the show notes and things. If moms are business owners, what is like your pitch? What can you do for them? Yeah,

Paulette Pinero  
so what I specialize in providing leadership solutions for companies and organizations who want to build diversity, equity and inclusion initiatives, who want to diversify their pool of candidates for roles, and who are looking for help in managing remote teams. So COVID is the right time if it's if you have done something and it's not working. I'm here to help 15 years of experience, and you want to try doing remote work. I'm here to help. And that is something that I'm passionate about. I love remote work. I have managed remote team. So no, I'm here to help.

Danielle Bettmann  
Awesome. Yay. Thank you for sharing all that. I'm so excited to watch you take off and explode this company into something really big. Clearly you are meant to be here and be doing what you're doing. So that's that's super, super exciting. The last question that I ask every guest that comes on is how are you the mom that your kids need?

Paulette Pinero  
I am loving and caring and I take care of myself first home able to take care.

Danielle Bettmann  
Yes, that is the key. And I feel like you just spent like the last whole episode proving yourself to be the man Um, that your kids need. So yeah, make drop on all of that. Thank you so much for your time and for joining us and for being so honest about the parts that are hard of your story because it can be so inspirational to a mom that is still in the drowning phase, to know that there is hope. And there is light on the other side, and there is so much good that can come from those circumstances. So thank you so much.

Paulette Pinero  
Yes, thank you. Thank you for this opportunity. And for all the moms hearing it just it gets better. It just gets better than just take care of yourself. It's as important as taking care of her kids.

Danielle Bettmann  
Wow, right. If you are parenting a child with special needs, I hope this episode feels you to keep up all the hard work day in and day out. We see you and we're cheering you on. Always. And of course, please remember, you are the mom that your kids need. 

Danielle Bettmann  
Next episode, we'll get to hear from Melissa Pinel, who's super open and honest and admitting that parenting has proved even more difficult than getting sober. I already know that you're striving to be an intentional parent by listening to this podcast. Is your home life not lining up with where you know it could be? Are you dreading family time? Are you sick of arguing with your spouse about discipline? I can help. Coaching allows us the opportunity to talk through everything. problem solve solutions, and provide the support and accountability for you to make the changes and see the changes. Go to parentingwholeheartedly.com/apply slash coaching to learn more and schedule a free call today. 

Danielle Bettmann  
Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai