Failing Motherhood

Myth: Parenting Comes Naturally

October 15, 2020 Danielle Bettmann | Wholeheartedly Episode 27
Failing Motherhood
Myth: Parenting Comes Naturally
Chapters
Failing Motherhood
Myth: Parenting Comes Naturally
Oct 15, 2020 Episode 27
Danielle Bettmann | Wholeheartedly

#reasonswhywe'refailing - Thursday episodes dive deep into one reason why we feel like we're failing & what we can do about it!

In this short, to-the-point episode, I share with you . . .
5 reasons why parenting (or motherhood for that matter) does NOT come naturally.
We should NOT expect to know how to do it.

I also share 3 things you can do about it TODAY.

LET'S DO THIS.

I believe in you & I'm cheering you on.
Come say hi!  I'm @parent_wholeheartedly on Insta.

Schedule a FREE Call to see if parent coaching is right for you!
CLICK HERE

Join Danielle's Parenting Wholeheartedly community on Facebook.

We want to hear from you!
Do you have a story you could share on Failing Motherhood?
Connect with Danielle at [email protected].

Subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Write a Review & Share with a friend!
Join Danielle's Parenting Wholeheartedly community on Facebook.
Follow Wholeheartedly on Instagram or Facebook.

Music: Good Fortune by Vincent Tone

Support the show (https://www.parentingwholeheartedly.com/community)

Show Notes Transcript

#reasonswhywe'refailing - Thursday episodes dive deep into one reason why we feel like we're failing & what we can do about it!

In this short, to-the-point episode, I share with you . . .
5 reasons why parenting (or motherhood for that matter) does NOT come naturally.
We should NOT expect to know how to do it.

I also share 3 things you can do about it TODAY.

LET'S DO THIS.

I believe in you & I'm cheering you on.
Come say hi!  I'm @parent_wholeheartedly on Insta.

Schedule a FREE Call to see if parent coaching is right for you!
CLICK HERE

Join Danielle's Parenting Wholeheartedly community on Facebook.

We want to hear from you!
Do you have a story you could share on Failing Motherhood?
Connect with Danielle at [email protected].

Subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Write a Review & Share with a friend!
Join Danielle's Parenting Wholeheartedly community on Facebook.
Follow Wholeheartedly on Instagram or Facebook.

Music: Good Fortune by Vincent Tone

Support the show (https://www.parentingwholeheartedly.com/community)

Danielle:

Ever feel like you suck at this job, motherhood I mean? Have too much anxiety, not enough patience? Too much yelling, not enough play. There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right. This is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you. You feel like you're screwing everything up and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud... This podcast is for you. Welcome to Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann, and each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real, sharing her insecurities, her fears , her failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, you are the mom, your kids need, they need what you have. You are good enough and you're not alone. I hope you pop in ear buds, somehow sneak away and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend. We're so glad you're here. Hello Hello. My name is Danielle Bettmann. Welcome to Failing Motherhood. This is one of our fun episodes that is just me on a soap box. Ready to tell you what's up. I love these short episodes that we just started doing that are coming out on Thursdays. Interviews will be Tuesdays. It's just me on Thursdays. Hopefully these are going to be shorter episodes that really speak to one reason why we feel like we're failing and something we can do about it. So today's topic is debunking the idea that parenting or motherhood comes naturally, and that we should just know what to do. So I'm gonna talk about five reasons why this isn't true in any way, shape or form and what we can do about it. So let's dive in. Number one, no. Parenting is something that you've never done before. This is an entirely new experience that y ou may have some experience of life that can translate a little bit into some of t he aspects of the day to day. That maybe you've babysat before. Maybe you've been a nurse, maybe ev en a teacher, but those things do not teach you how to be a parent. And I wish I ha d r ealized that a little bit more because I preemptively thought that I would be way more prepared for parenthood than I actually was. And that's because that parent-child relationship is a dynamic that is outside of any other dynamic. It's just entirely new, entirely different and expects totally different sk ill s e ts a nd entirely different framework of workload and mental load. And it's just different. So parenting is something you've never done before. Even if you have really, really great credentials, you will not know what to expect and you will be entirely unprepared. Number two, no. Parenting does not come naturally. It's an even more complicated relationship to navigate than your marriage, which also is hard and takes a lot of intentional work. But the parent child relationship requires getting to know an entirely new human being that didn't exist before. It requires humility. It requires leadership. It requires sacrifice. It requires determination, exhaustion, a whole village, which we no longer have a whole tool kit of "Go - To" strategies and things to manage the day to day of parenting and the mental load and our self care and life balance and work and all of the things we don't have, any of those things going into parenting. We don't have all of that lined up, ready to go. And then we get pregnant. Okay. Those things take work and effort and a whole journey of getting to once you're already parenting. Okay. Number three, no. Parenting does not come naturally. Even after you've parented. Once maybe you parented your kids for seven years already, but you've never parented them today. Where they're at today, the person they're at today, you parented the person they were yesterday. So they are an ever evolving being. They have ever changing needs and personality as are you. So just like the dynamic in our marriage changes, we're not married today to the person that we were at the a lter with, same with our kids. They are a different person today than they were yesterday. They have different needs as do we. And that dynamic never stops changing. So even what we learned yesterday is going to have to be tweaked today. Number four, no. Parenting doesn't come naturally because every relationship starts over based on the person. So no matter what you do with your first kid or your second kid or your third kid, when you have a new kid, you start from scratch. Just like when you become friends with someone new, you start from scratch in that relationship. So just because you had a friend that was a friend from college, doesn't mean that you can just translate all of that information about friendship, to this new person that you met as a colleague at your new job, okay. Friendship and all relationships are based on the current circumstances, your needs, their needs, having clear communication, knowing yourself really well, having boundaries, all of these things, it's very complicated. And it's based on the person that you're in that relationship with, which is you today and your child today constantly changing. Number five, parenting doesn't come naturally because the process is entirely based on the premise of you being the thing, you becoming a teacher, you becoming an ambassador for them to the world. You becoming a care provider, you becoming a confident, you becoming an advocate medically for them. The job description is a hundred pages long. How long did it take you to get acclimated and learn everything that you needed to know at your last job? A while , right? You don't just like read the handbook and you're good. It takes a lot of hands on and trying the thing to learn what to do differently or what to do different next time. That's the same with parenting, except for it's a hundred million pages longer of the things that you need to learn. And that orientation period is forever. You don't actually arrive and are like, boom, I know all the things nailed it. Don't need to learn it over again. The orientation period in parenting never ends. So no, parenting doesn't come naturally. Motherhood doesn't come naturally. We don't show up with everything that we need to know. Just because at some point we were a kid once. No, absolutely not. So what can we do about it? We can stop being hard on ourselves for not having it figured out by now. So if you think to yourself or your inner critic tells yourself, why can't you get this figured out? Why don't you know this already? Why can't you do this? Like another mom? Why do you suck at this so much? If you have any of that negative thought process, that's not helping anyone and is not serving your child in any way, shape or form. Stop being hard on yourself for not having it figured out by now also remember getting to know ourselves and getting to know our kids needs to come from a place of curiosity. And our most effective energy spent is, needs to be on those things. So getting to know ourselves, growing ourselves, being really reflective and aware and intentional about how we are living by example and what vibe we're putting out into the world. And also getting to know our kids from a place of curiosity, not because they came out of our womb . So we know everything about what's best for them. No . Having a curious demeanor that says, who are you? What do you like? What do you need? How can I best help you and serve you? That's what's really going to serve your relationship in the most fruitful way going forward. Also, have zero shame in asking for help. You help no one by thinking that you're super woman and that you can do it all and be it all with no training or experience in the job. If you were to show up to an interview for motherhood, the employer would probably hope that you as an interviewee would be humble and teachable rather than arrogant and prideful. So , it's not about you not being able to do something about your identity that you can't get this figured out. No, you are being a good mom when you choose to be teachable and humble. Well, to say, I don't know all the things that it takes to parent really well, but my kids, I owe it to my kids. They deserve to have a parent that knows the things for them. So I'm going to ask for help and I'm not going to hold myself back or my kid's growth back by limiting myself in my ability to do that. Just because I feel bad about it. Absolutely zero shame in asking for help, whether that's help from a therapist, help from a cleaner of your house, help from a friend, help from a babysitter, help from a parent coach. Any of those things and many more things are going to help you and serve your kids more than just continuing the trajectory of the monotonous of what's not working currently. So do you know, based on what all the things I just named, what is going to serve you best right now? What is your biggest weakness? What are the things holding you back? If it is genuinely saying "I need more tools, I need to feel more confident." "I would like to feel a little bit more like I know what I'm doing in this parenting job"... Please book a call to chat with me today. Imagine what it would be like to not remember the last time that you yelled at your kids. Mind blowing, right? Clarity, confidence, energy, sanity, all of these things are possible when we work together. Imagine how different things could be four months from now. Now imagine what things will be like if you choose to not take action and let the current trajectory play out. How bad could things be? A year from now for your family or three years from now on your current trajectory, 10 years from now, what is your relationship going with your ki ds g o ing t o l ook like? What is your marriage going to look like? Will you still be married? These are al l t he questions you need to ask yourself and then decide if it's worth asking for help now, because I really believe these early years are the hugest investment, the most influence that will have on any person and the most value we can add to the world really in our whole lives. So it's kind of a big deal. And I'm just go ing t o c hallenge you, ask for help, book a call and let's see what we can do. Okay. I believe in you, you can do hard things. It is not wrong or bad if you don't feel like you know what you're doing with this parenting thing. I can help. I would love to help. I can't wait to talk to you. Okay. So I believe in you, I'm cheering you on! Go to parentingwholeheartedly.com/coaching, and let's do this thing.