97. Bipolar + PTSD: Finding Hope + Healing as a Mom with Mental Illness with Amelia Zachry

She was told not to become a mother; that her mental illness would render her insufficient, and she said, "I will do whatever it takes to be a mom.  A GOOD mom."  How inspiring is that?!

Amelia Zachry just published her debut memoir, Enough: A Memoir of Mistakes, Mania, and Motherhood.

She might be one of the wisest moms I've interviewed. Without getting into her past, Amelia shared an up close and personal look at the journey of healing she’s undergone to meet her own needs without shame or guilt or fear so that she can not only meet her kids’ needs but listen to them, learn from them and ENJOY motherhood.

At the end of the episode she speaks with so much heart to other mothers struggling with mental illness, and if that’s you - promise me you’ll stick around to hear it.  You won’t look at some things the same way again after hearing her.

IN THIS EPISODE, WE COVERED...

• The healing that made motherhood possible for Amelia
• How she moved from comparison to intuition
• A key mindset shift to embrace getting over your fear of imposing on others and asking for help

DON'T MISS-

• Amelia's definition of Authenticity
• Her call to give yourself grace, mental illness or not

// CONNECT WITH AMELIA ZACHRY//
AmeliaZachry.com
Book: Enough: A Memoir of Mistakes, Mania, and Motherhood
IG: @browngirlcrazyworld

I believe in you & I'm cheering you on.
Come say hi!  I'm @parent_wholeheartedly on Insta.

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

Amelia Zachry: 0:00

In when you when I sit down in therapy and like I talked to my therapist and like, this is the plan, okay? Even though you're gonna do this and this and this step 12345. I'm like, Ah, that I can manage that. And then when you actually get to doing these things, actually getting into those conversations with people, you realize how difficult it is. And I think that I was grounded in the fact that I was being a mother meant so much to me. I feel like a broken record. But being a mother was so important to me being a good mother, a good mother to my children meant so much to me that I overcame.

Danielle Bettmann: 0:32

Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood, I mean? Have too much anxiety....not enough patience. Too much yelling...not enough play. There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right. But this is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you. You feel like you're screwing everything up. And you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud. This podcast is for you. This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann. And each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real. Sharing her insecurities, her fears, your failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough and you're not alone. I hope you pop in here buds, somehow sneak away and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend. We're so glad you're here.

Amelia Zachry: 6:12

much for having me. I'm excited to have this conversation with you.

Danielle Bettmann: 6:15

Yes, I'm so grateful for your time. Thank you for joining me. I love the internet and the ways that we can just like you know, find each other and connect with each other's worlds because I knew right off the bat, even just hearing the name of your book, I was like, oh, I need her. She was my people. So I want to dive into like your whole backstory, but I have to prequalify as they do with every guest. Have you ever felt like you were failing motherhood?

Amelia Zachry: 6:41

Yes. And no. All the time. Sometimes. I think like, the early, early stages of motherhood was harder for me. I think I I struggle with mental illness, I struggle with bipolar disorder, and so that sometimes keys into the idea of me being a failing mother, and not being able to manage.

Danielle Bettmann: 7:01

And that's I feel like what we're gonna dive into today, so any listeners that struggle with their mental health, at all have a diagnosis or don't, you're gonna find yourself in Amelia's story. And I hope you find lots of encouragement from what she has to share from the transparency that she has in her journey and the way that she has reflected on it so powerfully. So go ahead and just give us like the backstory- Who were you before motherhood, like what shaped the you that became a mother?

Amelia Zachry: 7:32

I will say, I've always been I've always wanted to be a mother, I've always wanted to have children on my own, I always dreamed of a big family. And soon after my diagnosis with bipolar disorder, I was told by a therapist that I could not be a mother, that I should not be a mother. Why? Because of my diagnosis. And so as bizarre as that sounds, I think that's like common myths more common than we think that this sort of advice is given out. But I, I prepared myself, I got my treatment into gear and I decided that this was something I was going to do. And I learned very quickly how to manage my life very quickly, I learned through my process and the healing treatment and healing journey, that life as a mother was possible if I could get my bipolar in check. And that's what I did and prepared myself. So I was I don't think there were there is another mother who wanted motherhood as much as I did. And I worked really hard. I worked really hard at recovering myself so that I could be that person and defy the odds that were given to me. So you took a

Danielle Bettmann: 8:45

kind of like a challenge accepted? Yes. I love that.

Amelia Zachry: 8:49

She's She said, No. I said, Watch me. Yes,

Danielle Bettmann: 8:53

already. I love that so much. That is like, completely destined to, to your trajectory of being becoming the mother, that your kids needed, just by that determination alone, give a quick picture into what was some of that healing.

Amelia Zachry: 9:10

So I had to, I had to get a treatment plan in place, which meant like an emergency, an emergency plan, if like I were to have a bad episode of depression, or had a bad episode of hypomania, what would that look like hospitalization or the support systems that I needed? So I had to get all those things in here. And then my treatment plan itself, I like to say this mental health, we talk about mental health all the time, right? People talk about it all the time. He talks about it in terms of bubble baths and yoga, and walks in the park and breathing and all these things, mindful exercises, but we don't talk about what it looks like, what self care looks like for someone who has a mental illness. And there's something that's very I'm very passionate about and treatment plan, getting the support system for my emergency plan in place. Having your treatment plan of therapy, talk therapy and drug therapy, then I had self care, things that I needed to do things like yoga and walking in bubble baths or like taking time for myself, things like that resting. And then I also had to build social networks, things support systems, people around me who were able to support me in times that I needed it. And so I kind of build this foolproof plan structure scaffolding for me, in order to have the best chances at success. Okay, and so I think I think I've done that pretty well. And I'm happy with where I am now. So I would say that that scaffolding has helped me up through the years.

Danielle Bettmann: 10:43

So did you ever struggle with the idea of asking for help or needing help or have guilt or shame, be a part of your journey of building that?

Amelia Zachry: 10:53

Absolutely. I think seeking help is the hardest thing that we can do. And given the stigma around mental illness, it becomes even harder to reach out and say that I have a condition. And this is the kind of support that I need. But I think being a mother kind of pulled me into that. Because it was something that was a necessity that I need to I needed to do it to ensure that my children were safe, my children were healthy, and my children were happy. For that to happen. I needed to be, I needed to be well. And so I reached out, I kind of just went and dropped the shame and the fear and the guilt and said that this is what I need to do. And so I'm going to do it.

Danielle Bettmann: 11:36

Good for you. Oh, yeah, that's the best thing you could have done in that that circumstance. But it's absolutely not easy. And I always want to make sure to portray that. It's not just like cupcakes and rainbows. I did it you can do Yeah.

Amelia Zachry: 11:52

Absolutely. Like it was it's very surprising how, how difficult it was because in when when I sit down in therapy, and like I talked to my therapist, and like, this is the plan, okay, even though you're gonna do this, and this is this step 123450, my God that I can manage that. And then when you actually get to doing these things, actually getting into those conversations with people, you realize how difficult it is. And I think that I was grounded in the fact that I was being a mother meant so much to me. I feel like a broken record. But being a mother was so important to me being a good mother, a good mother to my children meant so much to me that I overcame.

Danielle Bettmann: 12:31

Yeah, that that's a quote right there. That's powerful. Because I feel like that's a lot of my listeners and their story as well, because they're driven to listen to this episode, by that statement alone, right. And that is what makes the overcoming possible. That is what makes the heart worth it. That is what makes us get up every single day, like we will tomorrow. And we did today. Because me being a good parent means that much to us. And I feel like that's what unites so many of us. And it's so powerful. Because our kids can feel that. Right? Even if yes, circumstantially. You can mess up, we can make lots of mistakes.

Amelia Zachry: 13:16

There's so much into that, right? The parent that that transfers children without as being even, like, consciously doing things, right. But I can take I can take control of the things that I unconsciously bestow them with, but I can on things that I can I can consciously take control off and like that's my wellness and my state of mind in my state of being spills onto them. And so what what that is what I am mean, so much more. Yes. Than just wellness for myself?

Danielle Bettmann: 13:49

Yes. Yeah. I mean, you can, you can go for a walk all day. But that's not what's gonna be the thing that makes or breaks, you know, your kids experience of you, right? Yeah. Yeah. So, dive into early motherhood, did it pan out as expected? Did you have any preconceived notions of what you would be like? Or, you know, motherhood would be like in those first few years? And then what was the reality?

Amelia Zachry: 14:12

I was the I was absolutely that person who did the, I would never do that. My kids would never do that. Like, oh, you know, like, oh, that's never going to be our story. And like, watch my kids come in, never like they never ever had before. Right. So, I think my experience of motherhood. I was that mom that thought I knew how I was going to do things and like this mold in my head, like, Oh, if I do these things, if I read all the books, and watched all the documentaries, I watch all the movies and like, I know exactly what I'm going to do. And the kid comes out, and it's a shocker. Like no you can't make I can't make her stop what she's doing like this is not this is not what's supposed to happen. She's supposed to stop when I say stop. Yes, but for me, it was for me was very Exciting like watching your children grow and blossom like it's just even when they are when they are being cheeky and mischievous. Like it's it's a development that it's so novel to experience and enjoy. And it's been humbling. Definitely humbling. I am no longer than mother. No judge, I have no judgment for anyone before I know not what goes on with them, right? Yes, I'm more, I'm a lot more empathetic and compassionate. Because I see what my children need. And my my friend, I have two children. So my first child came up like perfect. I say this, like I say, perfect in the sense that I mean that how I had expected it. Yeah, she was she was very, she was very easy. She ate everything slept, slept according to her sleep schedule that I had planned. And like, I was like, I'm doing this, like, look at me, look at me go. And then I have my second child who was a complete opposite. Who wouldn't eat who would latch he would latch on, we can breastfeed. She wouldn't. She wouldn't take the bottle, then she wouldn't take the baby food, and then she wouldn't sleep. And she was constantly irritated and like, uncomfortable. So I think that was the reckoning. That kind of brought me brought me to my humble place. And I understood how difficult it could be. But still, that joy of parenting, there's not like, there's not change. I think I realized that I understood what it meant to love your child. Like it wasn't, it wasn't something that you thought that like you have this child, you're going to love this child and that you don't you don't know what that looks like, until you actually experience it. And I think like, and then I realized that giving my children both what they needed was not the same things. And then I learned very quickly, how being fair was not giving equal things, but giving them exactly what they needed. And that was the journey, learning what each of them being separate different. Different individuals themselves. Yeah, so that was that was That was scary. challenging, but also exciting at the same time.

Danielle Bettmann: 17:14

Yeah. Because you have two daughters, and how far apart in age are they?

Amelia Zachry: 17:18

Two years? 20 months apart? 20 months? We almost two years apart? Yeah.

Danielle Bettmann: 17:21

Okay. Yeah, cuz I have two daughters that are 15 months apart. And they're just a little bit older than yours, I think by a year or two. Yeah. So what was the journey? Like, of finding what works for your second? Like, because that is, you know, what I do professionally, it's work with families with that kiddo that won't do it. The typical things. So what was that journey? Like?

Amelia Zachry: 17:45

There was that simple answer. For me, it's dropping expectations, dropping all expectations of what I think a child needs or what I thought a child needed, or what I thought that she would need, and really getting in there and understanding what exactly she means then she requires. And I think once I started satisfying those needs, it became very natural, like the other things fell into place. Behavior and her developmental milestones, and all these things fell into place when I understood her better.

Danielle Bettmann: 18:18

Yes, yes. Oh, that is everything. That mean, you could pay 1000s of dollars to realize that you know what I mean? Like, yeah, that alone is is such a big mindset piece. And so I feel like is the most underrated part of parenting is it's not, it's so much more than strategies. And discipline. Yes. Right. It's like that bigger umbrella of knowing, and understanding and becoming kind of a student of your child and saying, like, teach me who you are and what you need, please.

Amelia Zachry: 18:48

Yes, absolutely.

Danielle Bettmann: 18:50

Yeah. Oh, so powerful. Okay. So then go ahead into what led you to write your book, give us more understanding of kind of your personal journey over those next few years.

Amelia Zachry: 19:03

So, let me let me give you a little bit about what the book is about. Yeah. So it's called Enough. It's called

Enough: 19:09

A Memoir of Mistakes, Media and Motherhood. And it is a story of hope, first of all, and a story for those who are trying to better understand the realities of PTSD and bipolar disorder and what it takes to put one foot in front of the other towards a fulfilling life. So with that said, motherhood is a portion of it, which is a big portion of my sense of identity and sense of self. I think I found my power in motherhood. It wasn't a rebuilding a rebirth, reawakening or whatever that sometimes people talk about when you try and seek sense of self. It was really tapping into my inner power. And my children made me realize that it had been there all the while that I just didn't know how to reach it. And so this book is dedicated to my children. Because of the reason I wrote the book was for them. It's a very, it's a heavy topic. It's a difficult topic to talk about sexual trauma and mental illness. But it is also a topic is highly stigmatized and a lot of faith, fear, shame and guilt that comes with it. And I wanted, I wanted to be part of conversations be part of the world that changes the narrative that creates a world that's better prepared for my children. And so that was that was my inspiration to write the book. And it was for them.

Danielle Bettmann: 20:39

Do you spend any time thinking about, you know, the future of the world, 10 years from now, when your girls are teenagers, and what that's going to be like,

Amelia Zachry: 20:50

All the time. And I always, I always say this, the world is not prepared for the magnificence of my daughter's hmm. And so I feel like there's a lot of work that needs to be done, and I want to be part of that work.

Danielle Bettmann: 21:05

I love that you just blew my mind. Ah, yes, and I mean, it's all about like, just turning that on a dime a little bit about our fears. For the future. They're, they're thinking about their experience of the world and thinking about what people they'll meet and where they'll be and what they'll think of themselves. And all of those things, you want to try to prepare them. But not thinking about how can you prepare the world for them? Yeah, that's so good.

Amelia Zachry: 21:39

You have to be the change you want to see in the world, right?

Danielle Bettmann: 21:41

Yeah. So big emotions from Little People are running the show at your house? Is that right? Do they fall apart when something doesn't go their way? Just once, why can't they accept the fact that the answer is no. Am I right? The struggle is real. You're not alone, and you're in the right place. When your days are filled with relentless push back, it is so hard to feel like a good parent, especially when you're in laws aren't shy and sharing how they think your kids just need a good spanking. Every time you lose it, when they lose it, you feel like a failure. The worst part is, without addressing the root of your child's behavior, you're doomed to play a fruitless game of Whack a Mole reacting rather than preventing the next conflict. And next time, nothing's gonna go differently. The good news is, when you have a handful of effective discipline tools in your pocket, you're able to step into full confidence as their parent, parenting actually becomes a whole lot easier. I promise, you're not failing them, you just need more tools. So if you have a tiny human who's full of love, and yet so, so difficult, if you can only be so nice for so long. If you've tried everything and still feel defeated on the daily, I free class, authentic and unapologetic is for you. In this free training, I share five huge misconceptions in parenting strong-willed kids that inadvertently invite defiance for mistaken goals. They're using their behavior to meet and what to do about it. How to let judgment roll off your back and truly feel like the parent your kids need, and why what you're currently doing just isn't working and isn't going to anytime soon. So go to parentingwholeheartedly.com/unapologetic To access this exclusive free training immediately. That's parentingwholeheartedly.com/unapologetic The link will be in the show notes. So how will - How will your book contribute to that change?

Amelia Zachry: 24:31

I think it's shedding the shame and fear behind the stigma of mental illness and sexual trauma. And I think being able to tell our stories, I think the more of us talk about our stories and tell about realities, because when I was writing, I read a lot of books. I read a lot of books that talked about the same topics. And I realized how I felt I felt seen I felt like I existed in the world that I belonged somewhere. In a place in a time in my life where I felt very lost. And so I wanted to impart that onto others who are going through the same experiences as I have to feel less alone to feel seen and feel like they belong. And for those who are supporting them, to be able to understand the realities of these conditions, and be able to be effective support systems are so important.

Danielle Bettmann: 25:27

So important. And like, on a day to day experience of this, right, like, what does this look like on a on a day to day basis, one of the things you mentioned to me was the struggle with comparison. And you know, the extracurricular activities, other families were participating in that you decided not that weren't a good fit for your family. Dive into that example. And like what your thought process was behind that.

Amelia Zachry: 25:55

Being a mom it's so easy, so easy to fall into that rut of like, look at what everyone else is doing like this, that is what look at that mom, taking a kid to piano, dance, belly, tap, soccer, baseball, whatever, and doing all the things look at their mom, like that's, that's a good mom, a mom is like running around them on this busy, I think we replay so much value on being busy as form of a measure of productivity and measure of value or worth somebody who's busy is worth more. And I think like comparing myself to those mothers, stunted my motherhood because, like we said, learning and understanding what our children need, I think being able to, to dive into that tap into that, and giving them what they need, you will find that looks very different from what everyone else is doing, because everyone else is doing the best they can for the for their kids. So maybe their mom was busy all the time. Maybe that's what their kids need. But understanding that that's not my that's not my story. And that's not my journey. And I need to pave my own way. We kind of eased off on the extracurricular activities and then sewn in on the ones that they really wanted to do things that we really brought joy to them. And that's teaching a lesson to I'm going to do things in my life that brings joy to my life brings value to my life. And those are the things that I do. So that's teaching my children now pick the things that brings joy to your life. If it truly brings joy to you, then that's, that's what we'll do. And then being able to pick those. And then I pared down so much that like it's manageable, and I get, I get more rest. And I'm more functional, I'm more, I'm a more available parent, because I'm not stressed out about getting from one place to the next or preparing for the next thing. Because attending these extracurricular activities is not just attending, you have all those like preparing the snacks and this whatever, whenever they get together and all those things. It adds up. So I think like once I learned to listen to my children, and then this whole thing just opened up. We're happier, we're more relaxed, I'm more relaxed, and I'm more available and I'm more attentive, because I'm not tired all the time. So I think that changed my my way of parenting in that sense. Yeah. And compare it, I stopped comparing myself to these other moms because I realized that my story is mine, and theirs is theirs. Whatever they're doing is the best for their their family. Every that's what everyone is doing, isn't it? We're all doing what's best with our family. But the sooner we realize that we don't have to, like match up to each other. I think life becomes a lot easier. It has.

Danielle Bettmann: 28:46

It has. Yeah, and there is a lot of ups and downs to that roller coaster or a reckoning of the thoughts that lead us there are the situations we find ourselves in. But I think we all arrive in one way or another. And you know, sometimes it takes different amount of time. But it's it's a necessary step, I think, in kind of becoming confident in the parent that you are and seeing yourself in like the identity of what you have. And how would you say your relationship is with your motherhood with your intuition? Is it easy for you to tap into and listen to? Or do you have any guilt that comes up for you when you realize that you need to prioritize your own needs as a parent?

Amelia Zachry: 29:33

I think I used to I used to have trouble with it a lot. In the younger days. I'd beat myself up a lot like because I forced myself to do things because I think that that's what needs to be done because that's what everybody else is doing. And I think once I started listening to myself and I talked about this in the book, learning to parent from Intuition became something that was so cathartic, something that's a release? Then you really understand where you stand in your family? And like that, that that is the whole point of parenting isn't it? Being this unit that is happy is healthy is joyful is full of the things that we need and things that we seek for each other and with each other.

Danielle Bettmann: 30:26

What does authenticity mean to you?

Amelia Zachry: 30:30

Authenticity? Yes, I think it's listening to your inner voice and being yourself and being them. Like, if you're talking about motherhood, being the mother that you need to be for your child, I don't think that there is a recipe for this is what our model figure that says, like, this is what a good mother looks like. It's a that's a good mother for that child. And for me, this is what it looks like. And I think that that's, I keep coming back to comparison, but we do too much of it. We do so much of this comparison, what everyone else is doing. I think I learned to live, listen to my intuition more. Our family looks the way it does, because of my intuition and what I think is best for our family. I mean, me and my family, my husband worked together. But I think we are more in tune. I'm more in tune my intuition now than I was when the kids were younger, that they came from years of learning, of things backfire backfiring, when I didn't listen to my intuition.

Danielle Bettmann: 31:35

Yeah, cuz it can be a journey of realizing what not to do a little bit.

Amelia Zachry: 31:40

Yes, absolutely. Yeah.

Danielle Bettmann: 31:45

And that's, again, kind of one of those ambiguous things where we didn't know to prepare for that or know what to expect with other because it feels like you know, you follow the books, things go pretty. A plus B equals C and then no, that's not actually how any of it goes. So, today, what does it look like for you to manage motherhood? And you're bipolar? And you know, on a daily basis, what does that look like? Now, after years of growth,

Amelia Zachry: 32:19

I think I've learned to put myself first with my children in mind. I have to be I have to be well, first, in order to be the mother that I need to be for them. But I think I'd be a little bit more selfish, like saying no to things, setting boundaries and understanding my limitations and honoring them. I think that's a big part of who I am today. And I think that's, that's in a nutshell, I guess, like how I put myself first, in order to be well, for my children. Mm hmm. And it's, it's possible, it's manageable. I think, like when they told me that I couldn't be a mother. There was not a holistic view of things of how it's possible. And I think a lot of people misunderstand and mistake that too. I think it's possible with the right treatment plan with the right self care plan, with the right support system. And all these things put together. It's a lot of work. But it is possible, and I'm doing it and I think I look at my children and they're happy. And they're thriving at school. They're thriving in their social circles. They're thriving in their, in their family life and things like that. And I that's a good litmus test, I guess that my mother is going good. Parenting is going good kids, kids are happy and kids are thriving. And so I think like, giving yourself grace, I have been able to give myself grace when I failed, and that it's okay. I don't think that like true failure is something that we experience all the time, although it feels that way. A lot. It's a setback, right? Oops. That didn't work. Like and I think that's a process. It's a product, we are constantly growing constantly evolving, as, as a person as a human being as myself and evolving. And as a mother, I'm evolving to as a result of that. And I think like just being able to be okay with this ever changing, playing and being excited and accepting of the changes. That allows me to be a good mother.

Danielle Bettmann: 34:26

Yes, I can, we can just tell already, just just by those words, how phenomenal of a parent you are, that it's so so inspiring. And so specifically, would you speak to a listener who was where you were five years ago, maybe they have just now kind of reckoned with discovering their mental health diagnosis, and they're knowing what they need to do to be successful with balancing all of their needs with their kids needs, but they don't feel like they can do it. Because it feels hard, or it feels selfish, where they feel guilty, or they just feel like there's a cloud of heaviness over the whole thing, because it's not how they wanted things to be. What would you say to them?

Amelia Zachry: 35:12

Mental illness is often not looked at as important as physical illness. If you broke your hip, broke your leg and couldn't walk, does that make you a bad mother? Because you can tend to your children's needs and whatever you would have first rest, and heal. Right. So same thing, I think if you have a mental illness, take care of it first. Take care of take care of you, in order for you to be healed enough to be there for them. And it's hard, yes, I'm not gonna say it's easy, like, Oh, I'm just gonna sit, I'm just gonna get people say they're like, get out of bed, like get out of bed and go take a shower, go take a walk. And like, it sounds easy. I understand that when you have a mental illness, you have depression, or when I'm hypomanic, it's not something that's very easily achievable. But I think what I have used is setting limited expectations of myself. Today, I'm going to do this one thing. Today, I'm going to make lunches for my kids, and then go back to bed. But today, I'm going to kiss my children and tuck them into bed. And that's all I'm going to do today. My husband can take care of the rest, understanding your limitations, and then honoring them. And being okay with that until you feel better, because nothing lasts forever. It all passes. All of this passes in time. And the quicker we accept and let go of these expectations. I think the quicker we heal, the closer we get to healing. And that has been what has helped me through the years.

Danielle Bettmann: 36:57

Yeah, so powerful expectations of ourselves expectations of what motherhood is supposed to look like expectations of our kids, I mean that you can run with that in a million places. But yes, it's so important. Because then and only then do we have the space to process through and take next steps and, you know, ask for help and all the things. Thank you for sharing.

Amelia Zachry: 37:23

Yeah, absolutely. It's possible. It's definitely possible. I I, I am living proof, I guess that it is possible. It's not always perfect. It's not I'm not saying that it's going to be perfect. And I have the formula and the recipe. But I think like I'm thriving a lot further along than I was 12 years ago, since I was diagnosed. I'm much further along now. It gets better. The more we understand it, the more we have a lot of grace for ourselves. I say I say that with so much passion that we need to have grace for ourselves whether we have a mental illness or not. I think mothers need to have grace for ourselves. Because we put a lot into this. We have this really serious business. Like mothering is the one thing that like we want to get right. Yes. But but we need we need to give ourselves Grace sometimes because we are only human.

Danielle Bettmann: 38:20

Yes. And that's that's the path forward to becoming an even better parent. Is that grace? It doesn't it doesn't give us excuses to you know, slip and slide into "terrible mom"-ville. Yeah. It's the opposite. Yeah, even as an author, Orthodox are uncomfortable as it feels. Yeah. So any other last thoughts of advice that you would love to share since you have the platform?

Amelia Zachry: 38:50

All right, I think like we need to, like I'm speaking on this platform, I thank you for that for holding space for me for that. By the way. I think I want people to know that we need to move the needle. We need to normalize mental health. And mental health doesn't just mean breathing at the right time and taking a walk at the right time. I think people who have mental illnesses and actual one in five Americans have a mental illness. That's a big number one in five people you know, have mental illness. That's a big number. And like a lot of us suffer and suffer in silence or, like not diagnosed with anything and like don't get the help that we need. We need to self advocate. We need to get ourselves better work for ourselves. Because when we start to heal, then we can start to grow. And so I think that that's an that's so achievable for everybody. Everyone can tap into that and like, get into the space of healing, if they need it. And it's their resources, their support systems and everything that are available to us reach out. Don't be don't be afraid to reach out Then no one knows what to give you if you don't know what when you need.

Danielle Bettmann: 40:04

Yep, so true. And what would you say to a mom who says like, well, everybody else is busy. Everyone else has their own families. I don't have you know, family in town, so I'm on my own.

Amelia Zachry: 40:16

Oh, I love that one. I love that you said that. Stop the assumptions. Mind reading. Stop mind reading what people are doing, you can ask and they can say no. They know how to set boundaries still. Let people people set their own boundaries and allow, give them the opportunity to say no.

Danielle Bettmann: 40:34

Yes. Oh, I love that. That is like the homework assignment. From this episode, give them the opportunity to say no, don't make assumptions. Don't go ahead and and put that limitation on the the joy that they might get from being able to come around you and support you.

Amelia Zachry: 40:54

Yes, absolutely.

Danielle Bettmann: 40:56

So important. Ah, okay, so, so good.

Amelia Zachry: 41:00

And I think like, if you feel if you feel indebted, like you're, you're in a rut for this specific period of time. Now we can specify how long because it can be from a few days to like, a few months, I don't know, it goes differently for everybody, right? But it is a limited amount of time, it's not forever, when you do feel better, and go ahead and do something nice for that person. When you feel better, like go ahead and say like, I'm just thinking of you. And here's a bouquet of flowers, or I'm just thinking of you and I thought you were so sweet. To me, here are some sweets and chocolates, like whatever or a card or send a card and say thank you, like whatever it is that there's always a time and place for it. There's a right time for everything. And this is your time. If you need something at this time, then this is your time, someone else might have a different space of time, they'll need you. Then hopefully when they do need you, this specific person needs you then maybe you're available. Hopefully you're feeling better. Or if you're not, it's still okay. But you don't have to feel indebted to people who offer to help or who agreed to help. Because they're doing it out of the position that they're making.

Danielle Bettmann: 42:15

I just feel like we all make like, everyone needs to hear that over and over. I think on on repeat. You know, every couple of months, we need that reminder because yeah, even just remembering you will feel better, you will be in a different place. You will have more of a budget or more of the time in another season in the future right now does not last forever. Even just that reminder alone. Yes. I'm so glad that came up. So good. Okay, was there anything else?

Amelia Zachry: 42:45

No, I'm good. Thank you.

Danielle Bettmann: 42:47

Okay. So tell me a little bit more about your book. As in how can listeners connect with it? How can they find it? What can they expect?

Amelia Zachry: 42:59

So the book is available everywhere books are sold. Your local indie bookstore hopefully carries it, Amazon? Oh, I'm thinking of chapters in Indigo in Canada. Yeah, anywhere books are sold in indie books, sorry, indie bound, or indie books. Those are good places to get your books. And connect with me on Ameliazachary.com. And I'm on Instagram and Facebook @Brown Girl crazy world.

Danielle Bettmann: 43:28

Love that. So the last question I ask every guest that comes on to sum up, our conversation is how are you, the parent that your daughters need?

Amelia Zachry: 43:39

I am the parent that my daughters need, because I'm listening to them. And I'm growing with them. And I am attuned to their needs and wants and the joys and sadness and difficult, difficult challenges that you're going through. I think that makes me a good mother.

Danielle Bettmann: 43:58

A phenomenal mother. Yes, they are lucky to have you. So so lucky to have you doing the work that you did to prepare for them the work that you are doing continually to grow and heal and give them your best self when possible. And now that you're able to turn around and share the goodness with others so that you can prepare the world for the magnificence that is them in the years to come. So, so grateful. So needed. Thank you so much for being able to grace us with your presence and take the time to share your wisdom. I really feel like this one is going to have a couple couple of mind blown moments of things that we will not see again, we will not see the same thing again in the future because of this listening to this conversation. So...

Amelia Zachry: 44:46

Thank you so much.

Danielle Bettmann: 44:48

Thank you so much. Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of Failing Motherhood. Your kids are so lucky Have you if you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now and share it in your Instagram stories and tag me. If you're loving the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help more moms know they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood on a daily basis. And if you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong willed child, and invest in the support you need to make it happen. Schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on