Loving + Leaving Alcohol with Stefanie Wilder-Taylor

Today's guest, Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, is an author, TV personality, and cohost of the popular podcast For Crying Out Loud. She co-created and hosted the late-night comedy parenting show Parental Discretion with Stefanie Wilder-Taylor for NickMom on Nickelodeon. She’s the author of Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay; Naptime Is the New Happy Hour; It’s Not Me, It’s You; I’m Kind of a Big Deal; and Gummi Bears Should Not Be Organic.

In this episode (and her new book DRUNK-ISH: Loving and Leaving Alcohol (On sale January 16, 2024)), she recounts the rise and fall of her relationship with alcohol, from her online fame as a wine-loving mommy blogger, to her denial, to the disastrous evening when she drove drunk with her kids in the car that marked the end.

The moral of the story we hope you hear from this episode is that it’s less important to figure out whether or not you’re an alcoholic, and more important to decide whether you could benefit from stopping drinking.

IN THIS EPISODE, WE COVERED...

• Her compulsion to keep secrets or stay silent when feeling like she was failing motherhood early on
• "Mommy wine culture" and all the reasons we happen to drink
• Hesitations, pre-conceived notions, and fears about life as a sober mom

DON'T MISS-

• Indicators of a problem to watch out for in your (or a loved one's) relationship with alcohol

// MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE//
Ep. 79: Really Wanted and Really Hard
Book: Pregnancy Sucks: What to do when your Miracle Makes you Miserable
Book: Toddlers are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault

// CONNECT WITH STEFANIE WILDER-TAYLOR //
Website/Books: stefaniewildertaylor.com/books
Instagram:  @SWilderTaylor
Apple Podcasts: For Crying Out Loud
Pre-Order: Drunk-Ish: A Memoir of Loving and Leaving Alcohol (out January 16th, 2024)

I believe in you + I'm cheering you on.
Come say hi!  I'm @parent_wholeheartedly on Insta.
Apply to work together: parentingwholeheartedly.com/Apply

Transcript

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  0:00  
I don't know how I went from Stefanie to somebody's mom, in one day, like in the mommy and me, they referred to me as Ellie's mom. at the doctor's office. It was like hi. Oh, these mom is like, oh my god, what happened? And I found that like, getting back to having like a glass of wine made me feel like an adult. It made me feel like a little piece of like, oh, yeah, a little, little badass-ery you know, a little bit like, Yeah, I'm having my wine. It seemed very harmless to me at the time.

Danielle Bettmann  0:34  
Ever feel like you suck at this job. Motherhood, I mean? Have too much anxiety, and not enough patience. Too much yelling, not enough play. There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right. This is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you. You feel like you're screwing everything up. And you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud. This podcast is for you. This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann. And each week will chat with a mom ready to be real. Sharing her insecurities, her fears, your failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough and you're not alone. I hope you'd have an ear buds somehow sneak away and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend. We're so glad you're here.

Danielle Bettmann  1:47  
Hey, it's Danielle. Happy New Year and welcome to 2024! I love taking this time of year to reflect and gain insight on what's working and what's not taking the opportunity to set new goals, especially coming off the holidays, reevaluating all the things about life. Today's guest perfectly aligns as a story of self-awareness, recovery and commitment to change. Stefanie Wilder Taylor is an author, TV personality and co host of the popular podcast For Crying Out Loud. She co-created and hosted the late night comedy parenting show Parental discretion with Stefanie while the tailor for Nick Mom and Nickelodeon. She's the author of Sippy Cups are Not for Chardonnay, Naptime is the New Happy Hour. It's not me It's you. I'm kind of a Big Deal and Gummi Bears should not be Organic. She appeared on Good Morning America, 20-20, Dr. Phil, Larry King Live and Today. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband, her three delightful teenagers and her dog, Penelope. In her new book, Drunk-Ish, Loving and Leaving Alcohol, on sale January 16, 2024, she recounts the rise and fall of her relationship with alcohol from the liquor cabinet concoctions that got her started at 14 to her online fame as a wine-loving mommy blogger to the disastrous evening when she drove drunk with her kids in the car that marked the end. 

Danielle Bettmann  3:08  
Our conversation definitely talks about the mistaken compulsion we feel to keep secrets and stay silent about the ways that we're failing in early motherhood and makes a strong case for being the first one to speak up about it openly. In the most relatable of ways, she chronicles her relationship with alcohol and denial, the indicators of problems to watch out for and her reasoning for leaving it completely. Listen in for a firsthand behind the scenes look at mommy wine culture, self medicating anxiety, losing your identity and fearing sobriety. The moral of the story I hope you hear from this episode is that it's less important to figure out whether or not you're an alcoholic, and more important to decide whether or not you could benefit from stopping drinking. Let's dive in.

Danielle Bettmann  4:02  
Welcome to Failing Motherhood. My name is Danielle Bettmann. And on today's episode, I'm joined by Stefanie.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  4:09  
Hey,

Danielle Bettmann  4:09  
Welcome. Thanks for coming on the show.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  4:11  
Thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited.

Danielle Bettmann  4:14  
You are a perfect guest when you came across my desk. I was like How have we not connected at this point already? And this topic is going to be a very relevant one for this time of year. So I can't wait to hear your story. I hear you're an open book and very unfiltered. So just go ahead and swear away. Whatever. Right? We'll give them that disclaimer in case they're playing this in my car. But who are you? who's in your family? Go ahead and introduce yourself to my listeners.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  4:41  
Okay, so I'm Stefanie. I have three kids. I'm married, been married. It'll be 20 year I think my 20 year anniversary is in February, but we've been together like 24 years I have three kids. I have a 19 year old daughter and then I have boy girls 16 year old twins Xander and Sadie and then my older ones name is Alby. So I've been in the parenting game a minute.

Danielle Bettmann  5:06  
And you were you were an older mom too, right? So

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  5:09  
I was. I had a whole career. Oh my god, I'm so tired. But you know what? No shade on young moms look, listen, I there's good and bad to both things. But being an older mom, I will say, I lived a lot of life before I had kids. So on the one hand, I was kind of bitter because, you know, I was like, Oh, I have to, I wasn't able to work, you know, you can't keep up the same pace and, and working was a huge part of my identity, and my career. And I had to like figure out a new path. Because what I did wasn't basically I was a TV writer, not and nothing like fancy. I was nothing, nothing good. But I was writing on game shows, and you know, little variety shows, but it was like a nice living. And it was a nice lifestyle. Like it was, I worked with a lot of like fun, creative people. And all of a sudden, I had a baby at 38 and found myself with no friends. Most of my friends were my female friends was from the stand up comedy world. And none of them had kids. So I was having to make friends with like, the Bunco moms in the neighborhood. And I was like, what has happened to my life? It was difficult to make friends and find people that I had stuff and I had to work I had to work at it is my point. Yeah, my husband and I agreed that I would stay home for at least the first year. I completely understood where he was coming. He his job was not ending anytime soon. And I was on a show that was about to end. So he was like, well, somebody needs to be home. And that was me. But it was a huge shock to my system. And eventually, I was like, I have to make some friends. Like, I haven't had to make friends in so many years, right. I thought I was kind of set. But those were friends that I would go meet at the clubs and go do stand up comedy with not mom friends. So I went to I found a mommy and me at a local temple. And I made a friend there. I would just like pick them up randomly. I literally made a friend at Target. I saw a woman with a little girl with a baby, same age as mine looked about the same. Like they were probably like four months old, buying the same size diapers. And I was like, Hey, what's your name? Because your baby, we should be friends. And she gave me her card. And I was like, Oh, she used to work at People magazine. I thought that was really cool. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, we became friends. And then she went back to work. And then it was it was a slog. I missed working, where I regretted the decision to stay home. But it was very isolating, and lonely. And I didn't have like good advice. I didn't really have family around me. So it was tough.

Danielle Bettmann  8:00  
Yeah, I mean, motherhood is a slap in the face identity shift for all of us. But going from something that has been so nightlife oriented, and you know, long standing in your career to having that huge shift. I mean, that's black and white. 

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  8:19  
Very much so. And like I said, looking back now, the thing I'm thankful for was that I did live a lot about life. So there's two ways like you can be a young mom, and then like, you turn 40, and your kids are kind of grown and don't need you as much. And then you like get back to life. That's not going to be me. I'm already in my like late 50s at this point. But then I go, but you know what, I did a lot of that stuff when I was young, like I lived a lot in life. And then I spent the next you know, 20 years raising my kids. And like, that's been really rewarding, too. Yeah, yeah, I'm giving hope out there. I know that this show is aimed at a lot of like, younger moms with young kids. And I'm just saying, it does get better. And I'm happy about how things turned out. And it's been great.

Danielle Bettmann  9:08  
Good, we need that hope down the line we need. We appreciate the hindsight, though, that comes with kind of the wisdom of being farther along on the journey because it feels very in your face. Like I can only see the next minute in front of me, you know, for a while and then all of a sudden you realize like, oh, it's been years, which has happened. I don't know where I am anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. And we all have to like reconcile with this new normal, I guess that you find eventually.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  9:39  
You really do. And I mean, I spent a lot of years being like it's up for a lot for a lot of years. I was like, I don't know how I'm gonna do this. I don't know how I'm gonna survive this. Sometimes. It was really like just just getting to the next day just getting through the day. I remember the times of them being really little like babies where you're like, Okay, you're just making the routine Asians, it's like, okay, 30 minutes in the swing. Now it's time to feed them again now thank God, it's time for another nap. Now what do I now what do I do with them? And the that voice in my head? I know, this is about like the failing motherhood and I had that thing in my head all the time. That was like, I'm not I know, I'm not doing enough. Like, I'm not talking to them enough. I'm not stimulating them enough. Um, you know, and I would say to my kids pediatrician, like, should I just be talking to them all the time I ever I read stuff where it's like, I should be in Trader Joe's going look at these baby carrots. These are orange baby carrots. And my pediatrician was like, It's okay. You can do less, you know? And yeah, they're out in the world. They're being stimulated. But yeah, it was that constant thing of like, I'm not doing what everybody else is doing. I remember when my baby was like, let's say 10 months old. I was at this mommy and me. And I was alerted to the fact that I didn't have the right age appropriate toys. I was still with the like, little baby toys. And people were like, Oh, you don't have like the baby like piano like a keyboard like things that helps to, like, you know, I'm still doing the, those little rings that go that stack those little stackable rings? And they're like, oh, no, honey, you need to like, you need to elevate to like a more stimulating toy. And I was like, Oh, I don't know. How am I supposed to know? Nobody tells you you don't get like an email? No, no, that's like time to change your toys.

Danielle Bettmann  11:28  
I mean, there probably is that app. Now that tells you I mean, something else that you need to buy, you know, every week older that your kid is, I mean, I wouldn't put that past capitalism. But so while we're on the topic, oh, in what other ways? Have you felt like you were failing motherhood?

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  11:46  
I mean, so many. I remember the first. The first one was the breastfeeding I was a breastfeeding failure. And it was it took up all of my energy, it took up all of my mental space, I cried about it. I read article after article that I was going to be if I quit breastfeeding, my kids were going to be stupid. And they were going to be sick all the time. And it would just be constant ear infections. And I might as well go get tubes put in right now because I tortured myself, but I was not making any milk. And I went to lactation consultants, I did all the things. But my pediatrician told me, I mean, I came into my pediatricians office, I say my pediatrician, the kids pediatrician, and I said, I don't know if I can do this. And you know, when I say that, it had been like two weeks. I was already starting to like, supplement with formula, you know, that had already started in the hospital. But I had this doula, a postpartum doula, because I had a C section. So somebody had said, you need to hire somebody because I didn't have people around me, except for my husband, and he was going to have to get back to work. You need somebody to help you. Like in the first few weeks, so I had this woman. And she was, let's just say very into breastfeeding, like her whole thing was like making sure I had the right foods in the house for my breastfeeding and like she would come over and be like, take your shirt off. And then she would like manhandle my boobs, and it would so painful. And I was engorged and it was not I wasn't making milk, but it was like stuck and, and then I would find myself lying to her and saying, like, oh, no, no, I just finished breast- like, she'd come over. And I'd be like, I just breastfed for, like 45 minutes, you know, and then I'd be waiting for her to leave so that I could give my baby a bottle because then my daughter would be crying because she was hungry, because I lied about having breast anyway, my pediatrician told me that so many people lie about it. Oh, that's sad. He was like, I would say, you would think this was during the times of the lactation, the lactivists, you know, this was during a time that there was a ton of pressure. And he was like, Look, Mo a lot of people don't breastfeed, they just say they do. So you're not a failure. It's going to be fine. Your baby's going to be smart. That was my first where I felt like I was failing.

Danielle Bettmann  14:07  
Because objectively, you're not meeting the marks. You're not checking the boxes. You're not doing the right thing.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  14:12  
Not checking the boxes. No. Another thing I did that I felt like I was failing. I mean, I have so many, but I started sneaking. I don't normally say this because I feel like even though this this daughter is 19 I still feel like somebody might come and knock on my door. But I let my daughter sleep at her stomach, which was so taboo at the time, right, back to back what what was it called?

Danielle Bettmann  14:40  
Yep. Right? Yeah.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  14:42  
Oh my god. This was where you were not allowed to even have like bumpers in your crib because they could suffocate so I mean, I don't know what's changed but I'm pretty sure we still make the baby's sleep on their back. I tried to first I tried her side. Here's what happened. I was making her sleep on her back. She was not sleeping. Nobody was sleeping. and no one was sleeping in my house. I was dying from sleep deprivation, I was going crazy. And I would let her sleep on her stomach and are in our bed for naps. Like I'd be with her and I'd be exhausted and I put her on her stomach and she'd fall asleep. One day I put her on, I did that it was like nine o'clock at night. And all of a sudden, we both woke up and it was six o'clock in the morning. Or maybe I had put her in her bassinet next to me, either whatever happened, she slept through the night, but on her stomach, and I was like, Oh my God, you know, it was like the angels were singing. And and I got asleep. And then I immediately felt of course guilty, even though she was fine. Yep. But then I was like, Well, I've got to put her on her stomach again, like this was like magic. So I did it again. And she slept again. And then I went and bought this monitor that monitors their breathing so that if they stopped breathing for 10 for 10 seconds that will go off, never went off. I bought this it's called an angel care monitor. Because I was very paranoid and anxious. Even though I also was failing as a sleeping on their back, mom. But yeah, I wouldn't tell anybody. I didn't tell anybody. It was my own secret. Oh, no, that she slept from then on. She was nine weeks old. Oh, wow. The night almost every night since then.

Danielle Bettmann  16:20  
Wow. This is like confession hour.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  16:23  
I know. There's so many better confessions to come. But like that was my first were. Yeah, though.

Danielle Bettmann  16:30  
I mean, it's alluding to the the inability to be honest about things that you truly need support with are exhausted by or just like are really, really hard. And the expectations are so high. So there's just shame in that gap of I can't possibly attain that. That's not where I'm at the point where I'm ever going to be. But I have to, I can't actually keep up the facade, or I can't let anybody know. And I wonder how much that is a reality for moms everywhere. I'm gonna go like we all have like our like harboring a secret right now.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  17:03  
I knew one mom, when I was pregnant. I had a friend whose wife was pregnant at the same time as she was to wheat. Her due date was two weeks before mine. She has her baby. We're talking on the phone a little bit. And I'm like, how's it going? And she's like, it's perfect. It's amazing. So then I have my baby. And I was like, in hell like from day one not sleeping, the whole thing crying all the time. I'm crying. And I was like, How is it possible that she and then I didn't want to talk to her? Because it made me feel bad every time I would talk to her. And she was like, Oh, it's so good. Oh, it's so amazing. Our family so awesome. Oh, she's so sweet. And I thought she had it all together. It was way later that I was like not I mean, when I say way later, it was like at least like two months later, where my daughter was, like not crying a lot. But at the very beginning, she'd been crying a lot. Anyway, it was later that she told me Oh, no, I was actually in hell and my daughter had colic. But I just didn't. I just didn't want to admit it. I felt bad. Like with how hard it was. And I was like, Well, that would have actually helped me because it made me feel bad to talk to you. Because I thought I must just not have the mothering gene. Like if my if the only other person I know just had a baby is like, it's the greatest thing ever. It's a Hallmark card. And I'm crying all day. I must be the one doing it wrong.

Danielle Bettmann  18:28  
Right? What other conclusion? Can you come to? You can't

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  18:31  
nothing. I wish that people just said, wow, this really sucks. Hopefully it will get better. Yes.

Danielle Bettmann  18:37  
Yes. Be honest. Even if you I mean, do you think she was afraid of like you judging her?

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  18:45  
Mm hmm. She sure was. So that's how she went about it. And I'm not saying that everybody is totally miserable and crying all the time. That's that's not what I'm saying. But I'm saying if you are I think it's okay to say that. Yeah. I don't think anybody's going to should or would judge you for having the experience you're having? No,

Danielle Bettmann  19:05  
no, there's a episode called really wanted and really hard. And we talked about like the lengths that she went through that guests went through to have her baby and then how terrible she felt like she could never complain or say anything bad about her experience, because she chose it. She wanted it. This is what she signed up for. And those two things can coexist. It can be what you wanted, and really, really hard and okay to admit that. Absolutely. And so hopefully we're encouraging at least one mom to be more honest about it. Yeah, because the experience

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  19:41  
is the same just because just because you spent a ton of money on fertility treatments, or we're trying to get pregnant for you know, 10 years doesn't mean that you're not having the same experience as every other new mom who's not sleeping and struggling with feeding and bored. You know, it's like God forbid you're bored when just because you wanted something so badly. It doesn't mean that you don't love your child and that you're not going to be the best mom, you can be

Danielle Bettmann  20:09  
not at all. It's just the experience itself is both simultaneously overstimulating and under stimulating and you didn't know that. That's so true.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  20:19  
overstimulate overstimulating and under stimulating that is a great way to describe it.

Danielle Bettmann  20:22  
It is like and it could be in the same moment. It's just, it's weird. Yeah. Well, that's why we're here. And I feel like we dove in really good. But anything else from early motherhood that you feel like is relatable enough to share to give some hope to some young moms?

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  20:41  
I mean, like we can get into whenever you want, like my alcohol problem, that, for me, I had come from a world of being a stand up comic of like, being out in clubs of staying up late with my husband, you know, not having kids in our 30s we had a lifestyle, not like an expensive life. But I mean, we had a lifestyle, like staying up late and having, you know, drinking every night. And so when I had my daughter, and felt so, you know, dislocated from my previous lifestyle, and all of a sudden this expectation of being a mom, like you're a mom, you're just a mom. Now I remember, when it hit me that people started were referring to me as Alby's mom. And I was like, Why still the name? Like, I don't know how I went from Stefanie to somebody's mom, in one day, like in the mommy and me, they referred to me as Alby's mom at the doctor's office. It was like hi Alby's mom. It's like, Oh, my God, what happened? And I found that like, getting back to having like a glass of wine made me feel like an adult. It made me feel like a little piece of like, oh, yeah, a little, little badassery you know, a little bit like, Yeah, I'm having my wine. Like, I'm still me. Yeah, it seemed very harmless to me at the time. And I also found that, you know, on the internet, which, and reading other people's blogs, I was not alone. And that was one thing that I felt like bonded me to other moms was like, Oh, we're all having our wine. You know?

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  22:17  
 Yeah, you want to fit in. Like, that's a belonging thing, total belonging thing. And so I wasn't able to go out really and have drink. So I found myself having like my wine at night, and like, doing my blog, and making a lot of jokes about drinking, because I was a comedian. So that was funny. It's like, funny to talk about how much wine I've already had. And like, sometimes it was jokes, but sometimes it was not, you know, yeah. And then I found that, at a certain point, I was like, wow, I really, the thing with me, which I really tried to get across in the book that I wrote was, my alcoholism didn't look like what I thought alcoholism looked like, it looked fun, you know, because I was just somebody who liked to have a few glasses of wine at night. And it felt good. And it felt like an escape. And it felt like something I deserved. And it felt like a break from the nonstop worry and attention to having a baby, it felt like oh, this is the way that I get my time. And I think a big part of that, too, is that there aren't as many ways for women, new moms to take care of ourselves. Like I couldn't really just like, run back to the gym. You know, anytime that I even exercise, it was going for a walk with my baby, you know, going for a walk with a mom around the park. I didn't have my husband was back at work. I didn't have you know, a nanny. So it was like, what, how am I gonna go to the gym with a baby? So you don't, you know, it took a while before I even had a babysitter coming a couple of days a week. And then you know, for two hours, and then it's like, do I really want to go to the gym with like,

Danielle Bettmann  23:58  
no, no, that's the last thing you want to do.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  24:01  
I want to go to the grocery store by myself. Yeah. So for me, I think at the beginning, it felt like Oh, good. This is something that I can do. That's kind of fun, have a couple drinks, and it takes my mind somewhere else. And it makes me relaxed. And I feel a little bit more like myself. But also for me. I have a bit of addiction in the genes. And I also looking back was a big drinker like my whole life since I was 14. So this wasn't, you know, this was a slippery slope for me because I don't always I wouldn't drink a ton, but when I would drink, I would definitely feel hungover the next day. Or I could tend to blackouts I mean, there were times where I didn't remit like, pass out after like, you know, and it wasn't like I was having a handle of vodka. It was like I was having three, three glasses of wine, starting a fourth glass of wine and then lights out, you know the babies in bed. For a long time. I didn't really think that was a problem. I just thought this was like Something we're all doing. At one point, though, I went out with a group of friends for Halloween, my daughter was like two. And I should also just say that when I was pregnant, I barely drank, I was allowed to have a glass or two of wine a week. And I never went past that. And I was like, it really felt like, oh, yeah, I'm not, it's easy for me to quit drinking. It's not a problem, right? I can stop at any time, right? So then it's this my daughter's like to it's Halloween And I got really drunk by accident, and kind of acted like an asshole. Nobody really said that. But I was like, this is just behavior that is unbecoming of a mother. So I'm going to, I'm not going to drink anymore. I'm going to get a handle on this. And I went to like a recovery meeting, I had a friend who didn't drink and she took me to a meeting. And I was like, I do not want to be a drunk mom. This is just, this is terrible. I don't want this to ever happen again. And I like quit drinking. Then I got pregnant. Then I found out it was twins. Then I had the twins. I didn't drink at all during that pregnancy. Because I was sick. I felt sick. And then I was in the hospital. It just was like, not appealing to me. Bring home these twins from the hospital. They're in the NICU for a little while. And I was like, You know what, thank God, I'm not an alcoholic. And I could go this long. That was a fluke, that whole Halloween thing was just a fluke. I'm fine. And then I went back to my drinking. And from there. So now I've got a three year old and two babies. And for the next like 18 months, there was a lot of like, I've got to try to control this better. Like I don't want to be I don't want to drink this. It just became every single night. For me,

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  24:01  
do you feel like you saw the red flags, then?

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  24:35  
I definitely saw red flags. But I did not want to stop drinking because I also felt dependent, emotionally dependent. This is the only thing that makes me feel good. That makes me feel like I'm having fun. If I'm being honest, I just didn't love the life of having babies. Three of them. You know, I had a toddler and two babies. And I would wake up sometimes and be like, I'm not about this life. Like, I'm not somebody who should have this many little kids. I hadn't set out to have three kids. I set out to have one. I thought I was going to be one and done. My husband kind of wanted a second kid and I kept going, Oh, maybe it's a good idea. But got the first one was so much work. And then at the last minute I was like alright, alright, let's try. And then I ended up with twins. And I was like, what? Hat? I mean, I just my life had just felt demolished. I felt like every event. Oh, yeah, that's an explosion. Yeah. So yes, I started noticing like, wow, I really do drink a lot. I really drink like every day, and I'm having trouble taking a night off. And that's not good. But then I would convince myself like, I know it's not good. But how bad is it? I'm not like, where am I going? I'm not. 

Danielle Bettmann  28:04  
You're not driving.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  28:06  
I'm not driving. I'm not like being crazy. I'm not like drunkenly reading them a bedtime story. Like I'm waiting to drink until they're like in bed like I'm, I'm parenting. That's what I told myself. I fully functional.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  28:20  
I'm only hurting myself. I'm probably hurting my liver. That's really where I was. I just rationalize everything. I mean, there were times where I probably drove home from like a playdate that was not very like a mile from my house, maybe a little buzzed. Maybe I had a few glasses at someone's house was not drunk. And you don't I mean, there's really a lot of ways to rationalize a lot of behavior. Yeah. And then for me, and this is why I wrote a book. But one night, I had the twins, one of the twins with me. And they were 18 months at that time. And my older daughter was now four. And I went to this a friend's house, who had a good setup. She had like a nice house, she had a nanny, there was a nanny, like watching the kids. They're all playing together. And I was like, this is like, the greatest. I'm with other parents. But there's also some other fun people non parents here. It's like a little party like a gathering. And I had such a feeling of like, This is what life should be like all the time. Just like having friends over and like the kids are fine. And I was having a couple of martinis because she was serving martinis. I just didn't think about what I was doing. When I was going to have to drive. I was like, my husband was home with one of the kids one of the babies and I just felt kind of free. I'm just enjoying my life. So of course I'm going to have a third drink. Of course I'm going to have another drink. I'm going to be here a while. That's what I told myself, which I always do think I'm fine. Like and then I'll you know my friend My girlfriend who was with me was like, are you okay? Like, are you okay to drive like? And I was like, Of course I am. How dare you even ask me that? Like, do I seem okay? I was having the greatest time ever, you know, I'm not leaving even I feel great. Yeah. I'm offended that anybody would possibly think that I'm not fine. How dare you? Yeah. And then I, I got in the car and I drove home, it was like, maybe a six minute drive to my house. But I was really drunk. And I got home and my husband who had been trying to been calling me trying to get a hold of me, he was absolutely angry. Husbands are really easygoing guy, but, and normally, when I would tell this story, I would be emotional about it. 

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  30:48  
But you have to understand I this was, you know, almost 15 years ago, obviously, I feel a lot of shame about it was a terrible thing that I did. And I'm just trying to use it as a positive thing. Because this can happen, you know, and I, at the time, I felt like, the most horrible person, the very moment that it happened, I was very defensive about it, my husband told me, You're drunk, and you can barely walk. And I was like, That's ridiculous. I'm fine. But I woke up the next day with the most insane hangover. And I took a good look at myself, and my life. And I had one of those, like, everything replayed from the time I was 14, I just look, I got like a moment of clarity about my drinking. And I was like, This has never been good. This has never ever been fine. Like from the first time I drank. And it's not going in a good direction. This is only going in a bad direction, I've now have tried several times at that point to like, slow it down to like, control my drinking it. And always I would end up rationalizing and being like, I'm fine. And this was the most clear indication that I'm not fine. And I'm never going to be fine. And it was very, it felt very final. In my head, I had to make a decision. Am I going to choose to be an adult and look at my problems and look at the realistic possibility that I could lose everything that this life that I have that I claim to not enjoy? While I actually do enjoy it, and I actually love my kids, and I love my husband, and you know, I'm I'm playing like Russian roulette with what I have, because I have this. I'm a baddie. I'm fun, you know, and I just made a decision to change that day. I've committed, you know, every day since then. And it was it was hard, because at the beginning, I didn't I still didn't really think I had a problem. You know what I mean? Because I would compare, I'm like, I'm just a mom who likes to drink like everybody else. How am I different? And I was like, if we're all being honest, probably other people drive drunk. But I had to I just through hearing other people's stories that had stopped drinking, I started to see similarities between myself and people who also admitted that they had a drinking problem. And I started to see Oh, yeah. And then I also started to realize that like, I mean, my life is better when I don't drink. So why would I? Why am I why am I fighting so hard in my head to go, but it doesn't matter. Like my message is it doesn't really matter, even to this day, if I'm not an alcoholic. I choose to like there's a lot of new terms for substance use disorder. But I choose to say that I'm an alcoholic, because I don't think that the word has to be so bad. It doesn't you know, it doesn't have to be this negative label it what it means to me is that I'm not somebody who does well, when I drink. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't. And do I want to take the chance that this will be another one of those times? It doesn't. Yeah.

Danielle Bettmann  34:19  
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Danielle Bettmann  36:47  
The idea of identifying as an alcoholic can be a really huge deterrent, a really huge stumbling block a really huge, like limiting factor for people's ability to reconcile with even identifying their own problems or having that clarity, because it's feels like well, that that's other people, or there isn't really I don't really fit that definition or yeah, all those rationalizations, you know, get in the way. So to you, is there a defining factor? Or like for moms listening, like what what are some of the red flags that they should maybe be focusing on, instead of that definition?

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  37:28  
Well, I think like for moms, for me, one of the big red flags was that I couldn't take a day off of drinking. So it got to the point where I would come up with whatever excuse if I had a cold, and didn't even feel that Well, I would think, Oh, well, I'll have a glass of wine that probably helps clear up my sinuses are here. I mean, there was always something that I would tell myself, because if I was being real with myself, I was like, I just can't take one day off. I just want it really, really bad. I didn't think of that as addiction because I didn't see my I didn't see myself as being physically dependent on alcohol. And to be honest, I probably wasn't because I don't I didn't have any like withdrawal when I quit drinking. Okay, you could also look at and go well, so then I wasn't even really, really have a problem then. Yeah, no, but I did. Because here's another good sign. Having blackouts is definitely looking back. At the time, I thought, well, everybody has blocked everybody loses their memory sometimes sometimes when they drink. No, I guess that's not true. Apparently. Apparently not. Apparently, that's a sign of a drinking problem. Or you're hanging out with the wrong crowd. Yeah, I also notice if I'm was being real, that when I would drink with other people, like there will be a lot of moms or big talkers, about how much they drink, right? They're just like, Oh, I love my wine, you know, and then you you see them hanging out together and they have one glass of wine and they're like, that's all for me. And I'd be like, what's wrong with you? What don't you want to have three? Don't you want to blot out these feelings a little bit like, to me the fact that other moms that say they like to drink still drink less than me, was an indicator. 

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  39:15  
But the thing is to that just I think that for me drinking was adding to my unhappiness like Alcohol is a depressant. So if you're already prone to feeling anxious or depressed, and you're drinking to medicate that, it doesn't actually work. So I think I was just caught in this cycle of just kind of feeling bad all the time and then wanting to drink to feel better, but then it's it doesn't make you feel better. So then you drink more and you drink the next day hoping to regain that like fun feeling. And at a certain point, if it's just not fun anymore, then maybe it's time to take a look at why you're doing it. Yeah,

Danielle Bettmann  39:54  
because like chemically it it gives you a spike. And then you you end Yep, worse off than where you started, right? And it usually like lasts another 12 hours into the next day. And so then you want to rid yourself of that feeling with the spike. But then yeah, it's just a perpetual vicious cycle at that point, especially if it's daily, right.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  40:16  
It's so common, though, that I think that a lot of moms, especially women, but for this, we're mostly talking to moms, I think a lot of moms already feel enough guilt about what they're not doing and how they're not enough. So like you add the thing that they're doing, that they think is making them feel a little better, because you have these moments of confidence. When you've had a couple of drinks. You're like, I think I'm kind of killing this thing. Like, yeah, great, like, look at me, like patiently reading my child a bedtime story, like and not being every other page, because I'm bored. 

Danielle Bettmann  40:52  
Dinner turned out great tonight. Super proud of it. Yep. Right.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  40:55  
So you're like, now it's my, you have all that going on? And you're like, ha, now it's my time. I don't want to just like, sit like now my kids in bed, like, why shouldn't I like have some wine. So there's that thing that we feel if we're drinking too much, like, I'm already feeling stressed about so many other things. I don't want to, I don't want to feel bad about the drinking. So it's easy to look at other people and go, this is one of the reasons I didn't tell people that I drove drunk for a long time, I was honest about I think I drink too much. And I've made a decision to quit drinking. But I wouldn't tell the part of the story, except to other people that were in my same situation. Because I felt like this was my rationale in my head. I felt like it would be very easy for other moms to be like, Well, I've never done that. Like, yes, I think I might drink too much. But I've never gotten a DUI I've never, I didn't get a DUI by the way, but I'm just saying, I've never, I would never drive drunk. But to me, if you're drinking consistently, and you drink every night, at some point, you're going to go somewhere. You know, you might not think that way. But at some point, you're going to go somewhere. And if unless you don't have a problem with alcohol, where you can be like, Well, I'm out somewhere, but I'm not going to drink at all, because I'm being responsible. Well, for somebody like me who would come up with a reason like well, okay, I know. I can't drink too, but I'll just have one. Yeah. But if you're somebody who's like when you drink one, two sounds better. And when you've had two, three sounds amazing. And then you're putting yourself at risk.

Danielle Bettmann  42:30  
Mm hmm.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  42:31  
Do you know what I'm saying? So yes, I guess I would say like, it can happen to you. It may happen to you. It may not happen to you. But like why wait to find out?

Danielle Bettmann  42:43  
Right? Like is the only option just waiting for that rock bottom? Right?

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  42:48  
No, I mean, I say no. But it's hard. Because to me, like my bottom was where I decided it was, I could see the writing on the wall when this happened. Like I said, I had that moment where I was like, this is enough of a bottom. This is humiliating. I feel wracked with shame. I can't believe I put myself in this position. I could have killed somebody, I could have killed my kids. I could have gotten pulled over for drunk driving and had my kids taken away from me. Like, there were so many horrific conclusions to this that could have happened, that I feel so lucky. And like, why am I going to I knew I knew for a fact that I would drink and drive again. Because I, I drove drunk in my 20s. I mean, it's not like, let me put it this way. I felt like somebody who would absolutely judge the shit out of another mom who drove drunk with her kids in the car. So if I think that that's a horrible thing, and yet I did it. Then how am I going to tell myself Bob never do that again? Well, I did it in the first place. Yeah, if I did it that time? How can I be so sure. I'm not going to do it again, when I now know that when I have a couple of drinks, I make bad decisions. That was to me the bottom line. So like, do I have to wait to get a DUI? Do I have to wait until I'm drinking in the morning? And you know, swirling vanilla extract in the shower? Or like what? No.

Danielle Bettmann  44:19  
Yeah. And that it feels like it's a choice of, can I swallow this hard pill of truth about realizing where I'm at and who what kind of person I am and what I've learned about myself to this point. And I think there's a lot of inability to reckon with that fact that there's like that rationalizing that leads up to that point, because I just don't want to swallow that pill. I just am not ready. I can't do it. It's too big, too hard. I'm just gonna tell myself another story. And your rock bottom is whenever you finally choose to swallow that pill for yourself, not because someone else convinced you or told you All you need to do agree.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  45:01  
I will say this. I think I agree with everything you just said. I think that another thing that comes into play is people feel like, Well, how am I going to have fun? And how am I going to relax? Yeah, and what would that look like? That seems really scary.

Danielle Bettmann  45:17  
That was gonna be my next question is like, did you have a preconceived notion of what sobriety looked like that?

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  45:22  
Yeah, real boring. Yeah. Real boring. I felt like I was going to be like having like a lobotomy, like, Oh, am I going to even be the same person? Am I going to be able to write I was already a writer. At this point. I'd written a few books already. I was like, am I going to be able to be creative? Am I going to be funny? Is there going to be anything like fun and edgy about my personality? Hmm. And it was tough. At the very beginning. It was it was new. And I had a lot of anxiety. Like, that's the truth. I had to sit with a lot of anxiety for a good few months, because I'd been medicating anxiety. I had new new mom anxiety, postpartum anxiety, but then I also had other kinds of anxiety that I'd always masked with alcohol. So I had to go through that. And I had to have a lot of firsts. I had to do stuff sober, that I wasn't used to doing sober, you know, date night with my husband. It was just like, oh, I guess I used to always have some drinks like, but once you start doing once you make that real commitment to yourself, and then you start doing a few things. I have a friend who's newly sober. And she told me like one of the hardest things for her was going to a wedding. Because she just couldn't even fathom having fun at a wedding. She was loved to drink at weddings.

Danielle Bettmann  46:42  
Yeah, what's better than an open bar? 

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  46:44  
Right. And she could not believe that she had fun at the wedding. She reported back to me she was like, and believe it like, it was the same as always, like, I was just sober. She goes in. In fact, it was kind of funny, because I saw other people being drunk. And I was like, Oh, thank God, that's not me. That's normally me. And she was like, and I still danced. And I still had fun. And I like, forgot that. Oh, I'm sober. But yeah, I think it's just something that you have to get used to. And you have to find other friends. You have to find friends that don't drink. You have to go to places, you know, whether their support online support groups in real life. So you have to find, read self help books, read memoirs, read my book, you know, find people that you can relate to their experience and do things together. 

Danielle Bettmann  47:40  
Yeah, that's priceless to you have to feel seen and understood by somebody who's been in your shoes and can explain what you're going through in a way that not even you have the words for yet.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  47:51  
Exactly. Because I think people need to know they're not alone. This is a very common problem. Because like I said, I quit drinking a long time ago, I still get messages every single day from women, because I've been pretty public about this, saying like, do you think do I have a drinking problem? Like, I'm scared, I have a drinking problem. I'm scared I drink too. This is just this thing that's so taboo, that we keep it to ourselves, in a way are related to new motherhood and that feeling like we're failing. It's like another secret that a lot of women walk around with, which is like, I think I drink too much. Yeah, and I don't know if I'm ready to tell anybody or do anything about it and admitting it feels real hard.

Danielle Bettmann  48:32  
Yeah. Can you remember, like, the people that you connected with first, as you know, mentors are like, what, not who they are. But what that meant to you, or maybe something that they said that really felt validating?

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  48:45  
Well, I remember the first time I went to a meeting and said, like, kind of told on myself what I had done to be at the support group. And I remember a woman coming up to me and saying, like, Oh, please, I've done watch worse than that, like, I drove around drunk all the time. Like, that's why we're here. And like, it only gets better from here. And she also told me that at some point, I would feel grateful, I would feel grateful that I felt that I did something that made me feel desperate enough to want to change, and that I would look back and be happy. And I remember at the time, just thinking like, that's crazy. That is a load of crap. I'm never going to be great grateful that I did that. I put my kids at risk. But, I mean, now I've had, you know, 14 plus years of living without alcohol, but I can kind of think having had that experience that I needed to have something happen to really make me sure that not that I'm an alcoholic, but that I shouldn't be drinking. Mm hmm. That's something that and then just like meeting a lot of pitches of just people saying like, Oh, please Me too. You know, just hear it hearing that. Me too, and not the hashtag me too movement that.

Danielle Bettmann  50:05  
Yes, but just the solidarity, peace, solidarity

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  50:08  
feeling. Anytime anybody tells me hearing somebody say like, I understand is my drug now I love I like to Oh, is there anything better than feeling understood? No, no, there's that then hearing somebody who had this similar experience to you and making you feel like not crazy. I just think I felt for so long, kind of alone and scared about so many things about like, just feeling like something must be just wrong with me. I'm not a great mom, like, I must not be like, I just never felt enough in relationships. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, my husband's gonna leave me I'm a shitty mom, like, I drink too much like, I just had this image of myself, like a lot of us have had rough childhoods, too, and carry a lot of things forward from the way we were parented and have a lot of self image problems. And all I know is that finding other people that get me reading books, where whether it was like when I first had a baby and reading, I remember being pregnant, and being like, I don't like pregnancy. This sucks. And I found a book by I think her name is Joanne Kimes, called Pregnancy Sucks. I was just Googling around looking. And I was like, Ah, I feel seeming. Yes. So when I had a baby, I didn't want to read books about like, our kids hilarious. Like, I wanted to read books, like having a baby sucks. And then I couldn't find that many of them. So I wrote one. And that was my first book, Sippy Cups Are not for Chardonnay. Because I was like, let's talk about this. I want people to feel like I get you. Yes,

Danielle Bettmann  51:49  
yes, I remember still read like reading. When I think my girls were like two and one. There's a book called toddlers are assholes. Uh huh. Yeah, yeah. And it was I was like, oh, okay, this I can get, I can wrap my head around. Not that. I mean, I still respect the heck out of kids and love my kids. But you need to be able to take off the shame that you're the only one that is not having a blast. Doing

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  52:15  
this. Yes. I was listening to one of your episodes where you were talking about that fear of when you know, when you have rage when you're you want to be mean to your kids, when like, we're human. Yes, that is a human emotion. And kids push our buttons, and they make us feel a lot of feelings that are uncomfortable. And you know, I remember reading a blog, like a million years ago, where this was so taboo to talk about and a mom talked about, I think she either smacked her kid or something. And it was a huge wake up call for her. And she was like, Oh my God, I've never thought I'd be the kind of person that would like smack my kid. Yeah. And it was such a shocking admission. But it was like a lot of people were like, Oh, my God, I've been there. Like, you're it's not only monsters, right? That yes, that are driven to you know, and if we all sit around going, I'm the only one I'm the only one that gets really mad, or I'm the only one that feels like, I hate my kid today. Like, it's then it just makes everybody feel bad. It doesn't help us.

Danielle Bettmann  53:20  
Right? Because we have this preconceived notion of Yeah, only monsters drive drunk with their kids. And so now all of a sudden, if that's, if I find myself doing that, that means I'm a monster. That's the only logical conclusion. Right? And I can't admit that,

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  53:35  
right. So better to just go like, Oh, that was a complete fluke. And that will never happen again. Because I'm not the kind of person who does that. I was a little bit lucky in the fact that I was already used to being really ridiculously honest. So

Danielle Bettmann  53:53  
you came pre wired for that vulnerability.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  53:55  
I kind of did. So yeah, it took me a while to tell people that part of the story because I was very embarrassed and ashamed. But now I'm like, Okay, anything to add?

Danielle Bettmann  54:08  
I love that. I love that because that's that we need the people that go first. We need people that share their stories like willingly and openly because then the rest of us can come out of the woodworks and share ours and there's no other way forward than you know somebody opening the door.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  54:23  
Well, that's how I feel. I kind of feel like someone's got to do it. I was when I wrote sippy cups, which was now like, 20 years ago, I wrote that I did not love my baby at first sight. And this was 100% True. And I had been expecting that I was gonna as soon as she was handed to me, I was gonna be like, Oh my god, I'm in love. And I I wrote this in the book. I said, Well, it's kind of like online dating, where like, all you have to go off of is like a fuzzy picture. You know, I'm going on like an ultrasound picture. I've never like met this person before. And now I'm being handed a baby and told like, okay, You're in love. And I was like, No, not really. I'm gonna I learned to love her. And of course, I eventually became completely obsessed with her. Right when I went to write that book, I wrote, like, all those thoughts. And my, my agent, my editor thought it was hilarious. But my agent was like, Oh, I don't know if you should say that like that could really put people off. And I was like, why don't know another way to like, if I'm going to write a book about being a new mom, this is the only stuff that I know how to say is what's actually going on. I can't write like a fake book about like, pretending I had all these feelings. Right? Now, I felt super annoyed at the pressure to have like a big one year old birthday party. I was like, she's not even going to know or remember it. I know. I would hear people talking about all the money they're going to spend for this big one year old party. And I was like, I want no part of that. So I wrote like that in the like, you know what I'm saying? Like I wrote all those things. So yeah, so somebody has to go first. And believe me, there were a lot of people who are super mad about that book. And if you go on my Amazon reviews, you will see a lot of reviews from people that are like you're a monster, you should have your kids taken away. Because you're just so negative, or you obviously hate your kid or all that kind of stuff. Oh

Danielle Bettmann  56:18  
my god, how did you how did you deal with that? Because I feel like that's another big variable in this problem that we're dissecting here, which is like trying to take all this judgment and shame off of ourselves. But usually it's there because we've heard someone say something about someone else in that way. Or we've thought that or, you know, we've heard our mom talk about another mom that way and like this mom shame culture. Yes. Is he's still hugely present. What do we do about that? Well,

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  56:46  
we just go Haters gonna hate. I'm gonna get so many bad reviews on this book, I promise you, I don't even think they will be about the writing. I think they will be about I cannot believe she did that. And I cannot believe she's admitting to that in a book, what a horrible parent. But you just have to go like, Okay, if it helps one person feel less alone than I've done. I've done what I set out to do. And that's all you can do. You can't, we can't parent, we can't do sobriety. We can't do anything like for other people. So I have to just, well, I will tell you this, I will not read any reviews, I don't read them. So if you feel tempted to write a really bad review on my book, just know that I won't see it. I won't read comments. So like, I just do what I do. I read all the comments on sippy cups, and I learned a very bad lesson, which was they would put me in a funk for days, I felt terrible.

Danielle Bettmann  57:43  
I don't blame you. Yeah, I

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  57:44  
didn't want to write another book. But then I did. I just don't read it, I just don't read it, screen it out. Whatever. What people think of you, as you've heard people say is none of your business. But you're

Danielle Bettmann  57:58  
a good example to model that. Because that's on a megaphone level platform. And that's intimidating, you know, but it is a reality. And it's not going away, unfortunately, with the Internet. So I'm glad that I'm glad that you've made peace with that piece of it.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  58:15  
And honestly, I invite anybody who is struggling with their drinking, go on, find me on Facebook and send me a message I'm really easy to find on Facebook message. I'll put that link in the show notes go to contact me, I don't care, I will talk to anybody that wants to talk to me about like, asking for help is the hardest thing. But there are so many people that want to help you. Like that's just my message to anybody that's struggling, or know somebody who's struggling or wants to pass this episode along to somebody who they think is struggling. You know, it's really important that people hear their story and that they know that they can reach out and that people will just love them through it and not judge them. Yeah,

Danielle Bettmann  58:56  
there's no better piece than that availability. Then I guess your your book as well, which we need to talk about too, because that's coming out in like a week from when this is coming out. And it's called Drunk ish, right? Yes, loving and leaving alcohol. So it'll be coming out January 16. So about a week from now, you said that it's a tender and funny farewell letter to a beloved but toxic friend. How else would you describe it for those that might be interested in picking it up?

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  59:25  
It's like if Sippy cups Are Not for Chardonnay. Nate, if anybody's read that was a book about quitting drinking. I tried to keep it a bit funny. I get deep obviously it's it's not all laughs But you know, it's very honest. I tell you all sorts of crazy stuff I did. It was actually a kind of a fun book to write because I got to go back you're gonna hear a lot of my denial. And a lot of yeah, a lot of there's my childhood is in there but also like drinking as a stand up comic and a lot of stuff about being a new mom. Um, it's kind of all in there. My whole experience. And, and I think it's, you know, there are a lot of memoirs about people who have had these crazy rock bottoms. And this is not that you already just heard about my rock bottom. So the rest is not that. But I read a lot of memoirs where I was like, Oh my gosh, this person woke up to like a crime scene. And you know what I mean, had to retrace their steps, and there's blood and there's, you know, a strange guy in their bed. And I'm like, That's not me. But I still,

Danielle Bettmann  1:00:33  
that means it's not going to resonate. If I if I can't relate to it, I'm not going to be able to see myself in those shoes and really take these lessons to heart. So you need something that's, that's more of like, okay, I can, I can see myself doing that. And, you know, that's, I think where you're coming from. Right. Yeah. So good. So where will they be able to find it? Anywhere? 

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  1:00:52  
Amazon, Barnes and Noble. You know, anywhere books are sold target online. I think selling it, whatever. Nice, you know, and I also read it myself. So if you want the audible version of it. Oh,

Danielle Bettmann  1:01:05  
you did? Very cool. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I know. Several of my friends are like audio book fiends will play him in the car. They always have one on like two and a half speed or something ridiculous.

Danielle Bettmann  1:01:16  
I love audiobooks. Yes. That's your your brand new person, then

Danielle Bettmann  1:01:20  
you can go find that as well. Yeah, very cool.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  1:01:23  
Thank you so much. Yes,

Danielle Bettmann  1:01:26  
I have to ask you the question. I asked every guest that comes on before we go. How are you the mom your kids need?

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  1:01:32  
I, the way that I am the mom my kids need is that I recognize that my kids are super funny. And I've just never been a mom that's like, we don't swear in this house. Now. I know a lot of people have their own thing. But my kids and I call each other like the worst, craziest names. And I, I believe that my kids really and truly see me as like a fun mom. Even if I'm not the mom that does home cooked meals every night. Well, I'm definitely not not if that's not. I'm not not mom. I'm not family dinners, mom. But like, I find my times to connect with my kids. And we there's like a lot of humor, and laughs in our house. So that's the mom that my kids need. 

Danielle Bettmann  1:02:19  
Theyhave to have such a fun childhood. I can already see it.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  1:02:23  
It's a really, really good kids. I had all that failure. And yet my kids are like, honestly, like great, fun people.

Danielle Bettmann  1:02:31  
And they're not stupid from not breastfeeding. 

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  1:02:34  
I mean, they're a little one of them is now I'm just kidding.

Danielle Bettmann  1:02:38  
Yeah. Well, what a miracle I'm so glad they survived your parenting note that you're clearly a fantastic, dedicated, passionate mom. And they're, they're lucky to have you willing to be humble enough to admit, you know, that there's, there's opportunities for improvement and they are worth that effort. And for you to have gone through that and be willing to support anyone else that is, you know, signing up for that journey as well is so important. And we really, really appreciate your time. Thank you for coming by and for sharing all that with us.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor  1:03:12  
Thank you for having me. Love your show.

Danielle Bettmann  1:03:21  
Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Failing Motherhood. Your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now and share it in your Instagram stories and tag me. If you're loving the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help more moms know they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood on a daily basis. And if you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong-willed child, and invest in the support you need to make it happen. Schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai