GLOW UP: Feel Better In Your Body Without Changing It

For the past 6 months I’ve had the opportunity to work on my relationship with my body- no procedures, no weight loss, no supplements, just selecting and being more mindful of how I’m dressing myself and how it makes me feel.

In today’s episode I break down what kicked off the journey, the milestones along the way, and the absolute game-changer that sealed the deal!

This episode is for you if you know your appearance has taken a back seat to your kids, and more self-love is on your list this season.

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IN THIS EPISODE I SHARED:

• How I re-wrote the “unwritten rules” I used to dress myself
• The stores I had luck with (and where I got burned!)
• Takeaways I recommend to every mom

DON'T MISS:

• The P.S. at the end that might be just what you need to hear

// MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE //
Colsie underwear from Target
CRZ Yoga brand on Amazon
Atolea Jewelry
Seasons of Color Omaha - Amanda Thiessen
IG: @seasons.of.color.omaha


// CONNECT WITH DANIELLE //
Website: parentingwholeheartedly.com
IG: @parent_wholeheartedly
APPLY: parentingwholeheartedly.com/apply

Transcript

Danielle Bettmann  0:06  
Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood I mean, have too much anxiety. And not enough patience. Too much yelling, not enough play. There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right. But this is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you. You feel like you're screwing everything up, and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud. This podcast is for you. This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann and each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real. Sharing her insecurities, her fears, her failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough. And you're not alone. I hope you pop in earbuds, somehow sneak away and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend, we're so glad you're here. 

Danielle Bettmann  1:15  
Hey, it's Danielle. Positive Discipline Certified Parenting Coach for strong-willed kids aged 2 to 10. I help defeated parents find validation support and proven techniques to parent their strong-willed kids with more composure, connection, confidence, and cooperation. Through a three-month group coaching program I have developed over the years of working with families one on one. And if you are just now finding the podcast, go to parentingwholeheartedly.com, you'll be able to find a playlist of our most listened-to episodes of Failing Motherhood as well as my free training that I recommend you start with because today, we are not talking about strong-willed kids, we are talking about a random topic. 

And I actually recorded this episode last week. And I kept saying while I was recording it, I feel like this episode is more for me than it is for you. It's kind of like my way of processing through this. And then when I get done with recording it, I realized that my microphone did not connect right and it was a completely silent audio file. So that's your worst nightmare when podcasting and so we're trying this again. And the point of this episode is not just for me to talk to myself in an empty room, it is to actually just share a little bit about a recent kind of glow up journey in my relationship with myself and my body that I've been going through lately. 

And really to sum it up, I have been working on trying to embrace and feel better in my body without changing it. So if you at all are on a similar journey, or in a season of life, where you're trying to find yourself, again, reclaim a little bit about of your relationship with yourself, have more self love, and feel less guilt in trying to take care of yourself or buy things for yourself, then this episode is for you. I'm just going to kind of recap what my journey has been going through. And it's nothing that remarkable or exciting. I just feel like we don't get to see behind the scenes sometimes in people's lives. And just let it be fun, random, you know, diversion from all the parenting stress and serious topics. So come on this journey with me. 

I actually just got my hair cut when I was recording this. And so I was feeling really good. And that's what kind of led me to go on a walk and be reflecting on like how good I was feeling. And you know, and I wanted to kind of share that with you. So everyone has insecurities. Everybody has things about their body that they wish they could change that they can't. Right?  And so, after motherhood, I am not the same person, I don't have the same body that I did when I did competitive gymnastics for 14 years of my life. I shouldn't right? But that doesn't mean that I don't have the same you know, things that when I look in a mirror, I'm just like, ew, I  don't like that. And I'm a kind of a stocky very short person. I don't have like a good waist. I have you know the the motherhood effects of like my stomach and some of the stretch marks. I have things about like my eyebrows and like my teeth, one of them is bigger than the other. There's a million things that I could point out about myself that you probably wouldn't even notice. Right but they're, they're all about myself. And so, this whole kind of motherhood journey I've definitely stepped away from really thinking about how I feel in my clothes and what I'm dressing myself in because you're in survival mode and everybody has those seasons of like the roller coaster ups and downs of that. I stopped wearing jewelry completely because my kids were pulling it out of my ears and pulling on my necklaces. So that makes logical sense when you have toddlers, right, and you know finding just leggings or things that kind of just I went to especially working from home now for the last four years, it has not been a priority understandably.

Danielle Bettmann  5:28  
So, I have not gone on a journey of weight loss in any way, shape, or form or efforts. I have not done any procedures like Botox or fillers. I have not gone on any supplements to work on my health. Also -  not an affiliate link anywhere in sight in this episode zero compensation for kind of sharing even the brand's I have been going to or anything like that. 

Danielle Bettmann  5:57  
We have been really financially strapped honestly over the last decade-ish, you know, of parenting. Very kind of severe high highs and low lows when it comes to living paycheck to negative paycheck and selling our house. And so considering you know, the disposable income it takes to really think about what you want to wear, how you feel in your clothes, has not even been a conversation, let alone an opportunity. So that is completely speaking from Pilla village now of being at a different season, and being able to relook at this. So I'm finally at that place. And I really haven't even spent that much money. So I'll tell you upfront, I've probably spent about $2,000, little over $2,000 on myself over the last six months, which when you go from $0, that feels like a lot. But I'll tell you what that has looked like. 

Danielle Bettmann  6:59  
So this all started back in early fall, when I looked around TJ Maxx like I usually do because I buy on clearance. And I found this fantastic pair of jeans just totally randomly. It was Lucky Brand. They were dark, washed flares. I haven't worn flares in like two decades. And they made me feel so good. It was like the reminder, I needed to even remember that feeling good encloses a thing, right. And so that kind of sent me out a little bit of a journey because I was like, Oh yeah, I wonder if there's any other jeans like this, or if I should look more into this Lucky Brand. Or, you know, it just kind of started that inkling in me. 

Then my brother got married the following month. And so I decided I was going to do a really scary thing and go to Sephora, and get like help. So I talked to the employee there and I was like, What is contouring? Can you help me find the tools I would need to like have a highlighter or a contour and like a powder, I think and maybe a brow liner. I don't really know what I'm doing here. Please help and it was still really uncomfortable. But I mean, I have been using these products now every single day and I feel much better that I'm just like up to speed on what helps me look my best, right professionally too.  

Danielle Bettmann  8:32  
So then I decided to go on a couple of quests. My first quest was underwear. I genuinely feel like you can't feel your best when you're picking wedgies all day. And I just knew I hated what I had because it was just uncomfortable. So I started following a few influencers on Instagram and I found one who was like a similar aesthetic to kind of  what I'm going for. And she posted about underwear at Target and I was like Target underwear. Yep, I'm already there. Just let me know when and where. And they were like these high-waisted I don't know even what style of underwear they were,  but I went and I genuinely replaced my whole drawer with this one style of underwear. And let me tell you if there is nothing else that you can take from this episode, find your pair of underwear. It is a game changer to not even think about which one you're putting on in the morning and then never remember you're even wearing them the rest of the day. It is a mental load freedom giver.

Danielle Bettmann  9:45  
So then, I ordered a few dresses from Baltic Born for my brother's wedding. And this is when I learned to check the return policy because I got burned because they don't give you any money back at Baltic Born and so then I had to go keep going back and using like this credit and then I didn't like whatever I had and use the credit again.  Don't recommend so buyer beware. Then  it was Black Friday and so I had a new quest to find another good pair of jeans. So I finally broke down and basically got over the fact of like I need to be able to spend money to find what I'm looking for and then just be okay with being really vigilant about returns. So I placed several orders at Good American because I had a pair from them in the past and I was like I'm just going to order anything that looks like it could remotely fit me and I'll try it on and I'll send it back. So I spent the next like two months trying to find a pair of jeans. I ended up buying a few body suits from them and kept one pair of jeans and I don't like them so that was a fail. They just are ones that like instantly feel baggy after you wear them for like more than five minutes. 

So bummer there, but I didn't get defeated. I kept trying.  My next quest was leggings. I went to Amazon and I had maybe like five leggings brands,  styles, recommendations I had heard influencers talk about so I ordered one of each from Amazon - tried them all on - found the one pair that I really liked, they ended up being CRZ yoga brand, and they're like a running style and the fabric is like pet hair repellent. And I really liked them so I went back and I bought like six pairs and in like all different colors and so now I just have leggings and that it was like quest complete. Yay. I ended up getting a few other things from Amazon for Christmas and realized that I don't like the quality, I don't like the color - like a lot of disappointment comes from buying from there. So I'm tempering my expectations. Now I really am deciding I gotta look for quality if this is like an investment in me. 

So I've tried to look in person. I looked in person at Evereve and have gotten some things in the past and everything I've gotten has gotten holes in like the sewing really quickly, like disappointingly quickly for the price. So I'm trying to not really circling back there. Tried looking at Kohl's -everything at Kohl's is either corporate or junior section and so I found another pair of flares there but I probably won't go back for much else. I have tried looking at Target I always try a bunch of things on at Target thinking that they're gonna be the thing I want and then I always remind myself nope, it's either not my body type or it's not going to be what I ended up wearing. It's going to be the stuff at the bottom of my drawers,  so deciding not to shop there either. I tried looking at department stores I ended up finding shoes from there but not much else. 

I ordered something from Free People - loved one thing I got the rest of it I feel like is a prank on women in general like who wears these like, baggy coveralls that are like shorts like I feel like it's all just fashion I can't wrap my mind around me, I don't know. So then I started ordering from Abercrombie and Fitch which I wasn't even cool enough to wear Abercrombie in high school. Forgot they were a company honestly. Turns out they are like the sleeper surprise, everything I've ordered from Abercrombie has seemed to be really high quality. I love the fabrics. The fit is nice if it washes well. And so I've kind of kept coming back now for a couple more pieces of like sweaters and jeans shorts and trousers and some other nice just like basic shirts. Super surprising. So just if you haven't checked them out, do.  Maybe it's just me because I have been compiling some Pinterest you know pages and deciding that I'm unapologetically embracing the feminine as that for me is like more of a 70s aesthetic. It's more of the high-waisted pants. You know, lipstick, heels. I just really like dressing up. 

I bought some jewelry from an Instagram ad and they were like some gold stacking necklace. Set type basics. And for me I'm really sensitive to jewelry and they have this stuff that's like tarnish free I've worn it in the shower every day for months now not taking it off and it is still looking as gorgeous as the day I got it. So there's that I'll put that link in the show notes because honestly, love. What's not to love about that. 

Danielle Bettmann  15:06  
But I've been trying to dress up more, I've been trying to. I just feel good in lipstick and I feel like I have to apologize for that, because it makes me look like I'm trying really hard but like, actually I just like it like it's a form of creativity for me. I don't know, it's like a weird thing I've had to get over. I would love to feel like you know, I'm just on par with like the mom wardrobe but like, I've ordered so many joggers and there's something like sensory in it for me like it's like too loose but not loose enough and like not tight enough. I just don't like feeling sloppy because it feels icky in my body. Like I feel better when things are well-fitted. I don't know. I mean, obviously I work with and have neurodivergence kids, they got it from somewhere, I definitely have my sensory stuff when it comes to clothes. And I feel like that makes it even harder too because then they also can't settle - like I can't just like get whatever is like on the rack , because it is too weird. Like the one sock is too scratchy. So I have to keep going back and I have to, you know be dedicated to the process of like, knowing that it's worth it to find my thing.

Danielle Bettmann  16:26  
So the biggest game changer comes and this is what I really wanted to talk about. The biggest Game Changer came when I finally went and I got a colors consultation, which I'll put the link to who I went to. She's local in the show notes as well. But it's basically defining whether you are like what season you are, whether that's autumn, summer, spring or winter and then like what variation. Like they there's like deep and soft and something else of each season. And this was,  I'm not overestimating this or I'm not trying to over-  I don't know what the word is. It was life-changing. It was absolutely life-changing. 

And let me tell you why. I have always had these unwritten rules for how I dress myself for 36 years. Okay, and it was when in doubt buy in black. Denim is always going to be a win, white and blue were things that I always got. I always thought that I needed to match my blue eyes. I never wore a wide neck. I always wore crewneck or like turtleneck. I never wore light-colored neutrals. I felt like that washed me out. I always had gravitated towards more silver jewelry than gold. I never wore any tops that were kind of form-fitting or skin-tight. I always shopped in the clearance section, because then I thought it'd be better if it got ruined, then it's okay because I didn't spend a lot and I can't have nice things. 

And now almost all of those rules are flipped on their head based on what I learned about my color consultation. And it's like you come in so skeptical. And halfway through I was still skeptical. But then I finally started seeing what she was seeing and like talking me through and now oh my gosh, it's like I have this filter for what I'm actually looking for that's going to -  that I'm going to feel good in. And it is like the opposite of what I was thinking and it's so mind-blowing because I never ever would have thought that these colors or these cuts or these things would be something I could quote unquote pull off. And now it's like all I will put on. So what she taught me is black and white. Those contrasts are what actually washed me out. I actually look best in like a soft autumn so I look best in soft neutrals. And browns, all of greens, oranges and burgundy's like all of the colors that you think of when you like Google autumn on Pinterest like that's what I'm supposed to be wearing. And I owned none of this, zero. So that's a little defeating when you're like oh no worries, I just have to replace my entire wardrobe. 

Danielle Bettmann  15:55  
But I started wearing wide like square neck. Love. I bought gold jewelry, love. I have actually started buying you know higher quality items and realizing just how different they are.  You actually do get what you pay for sometimes, depends on the brand depends on the thing, right? But I feel so different when I know that I'm intentionally dressing my body in a way that makes me feel good in it. And I haven't changed my actual body at all. 

So what can you get out of this long-winded monologue about my own glow up? Here's what I recommend to you. Get a fully stocked underwear drawer that actually just like makes you not think about your underwear, whatever style, fit, fabric that is for you. Number two, get some higher quality shoes like staple shoes because your entire fit is elevated when you put on shoes that are higher quality that actually make you change your posture and change the way that you move in your clothes. That was Nike Air Maxes. These are like my go-to shoes now that I wear with jeans or to drop off and pickup. And they're cute because they're pink, and I love them. I also got high-quality tennis shoes for working out in a couple months ago, I got some Sorels which are really narrow, but I'm stretching out the leather, and they are my weather-appropriate shoes. So I can wear those out when it's just like yuck, because I live in the Midwest. And I just feel a million times different genuinely then when I was wearing the like Target $10 Knockoff bootie, like winter boots that just they were honestly abrasive on my heels. And my socks always rode down on and I just was like, no. I don't have the mental bandwidth to deal with those annoyances. Right now I am thinking so much less about what I'm wearing. And I'm so much more positive in the mental load of like, the thoughts I'm having and the relationship I'm having to how we feel.

Danielle Bettmann  21:56  
There's a few more things. Leggings that fit right. Don't underestimate how good you can feel when you get the right cut, or the right fabric. And that is not a break-your-bank type of thing. The ones that I ended up, you know, getting several of $25 each from Amazon. So they're not like Lululemon, they are not, you don't have to go all or nothing, hundreds of dollars for items versus nothing. Like there is some really good gems in there that are worth finding, you do just have to try things on. And I know how frustrating it is. I posted on my Instagram stories about like these piles of returns I was making and just feeling like why doesn't anything fit me like it does the models on the website like why this. I was really hoping that I was gonna love these and they don't work out or they don't fit or I felt like I was between sizes on everything, which is really frustrating. Because it's like I got the medium, but then it's a little bit too big. And then I got the small and now it's like too small, so frustrating. 

Push through if this is your season of kind of working on this for yourself, then hit BUY not just add to cart, because you if you are anything like me, you're still going to have some resistance and some guilt come up about spending money on yourself - something just for you that you know, it feels a lot easier to hit BUY on new summer clothes for your kids, or you know, something for your family or something you know, everybody else is gonna benefit from. You will have resistance and that is normal. And it's okay. I can tell you that even my husband has been commenting on how different I have been and how it's affected even my patients or even just, you know, my anxiety or my ability to go out to some social things when I just feel better. And I have set myself up for that. And that is my responsibility to do. It's my responsibility to take control over the things that I can control about my day to day life that set me up for more bandwidth, more success, more mental capacity. And for me, dressing myself and having this better relationship and more positive mental talk and self-talk has been really game changing. 

And I just wanted to kind of share that here. Speaking to that, because I feel less compelled to dye my hair or less compelled to have a perfect complexion or some of the other things that you know I might want to change about my body. It just feels less of an issue when I have these higher quality pieces I love that I'm picking up and I'm wearing, and I'm not resigning myself to like, Well, what's something that I don't have to do laundry on? Or what is something that I can just pull up from the bottom of my dresser? And like, it's fine, because I'm not seeing anybody today. There is definitely something to dressing even though, you know, it's not like you're not going to see the President today. 

Danielle Bettmann  21:56  
Okay, so I'm gonna wrap that up, because I feel like that was enough of a run on podcasts. If this was something that you got anything out of, I would love to know, find me on Instagram, say hi. Let me know how you resonate with this at all. If you do, if you want any other kind of going off on random tangents, episodes, also let me know. But just know, you deserve it, you are worth finding something new. And if you've been thinking about getting something this is your push to hit BUY on whatever is in your cart, it will make a difference for you if it's the right thing for you. So anyway. 

Danielle Bettmann  25:59  
Okay, really quick P.S. I wanted to add, as I was listening back to this episode, as I was editing it, I'm like, I have one more thing to say. And that is if you already have these items in your wardrobe, and you're like "this is elementary Danielle", then maybe what you need is just less options - less in your drawers, less in your closet, because for me, the defining thing was still taking the extra step to declutter and get rid of the things that I really didn't feel good in, that were still fine, right? By all accounts of it. But when push came to shove, and I was dressing myself, I would still go to like the bottom of the barrel items in my drawers or in my closet, because I would be like, Well, I gotta save the nice things for a nicer occasion, I'll just, you know, I'm not doing much, I will just put on kind of my normal stuff. And I needed to physically remove it from being an option. And paring down what my choices were so that I actually was wearing the things that I had just invested in and felt actually really good in. And I still have, you know, some T shirts that I'll gravitate to or some things where I have to push myself and say, no, it's not worth it. How do I -how am I gonna feel good today and, you know, challenge myself to wear something maybe a little bit quote unquote nicer, then I would have just gravitated towards by default. 

So maybe that's the added step that you need at this point is you know, you have the items, you just need to actually choose them. And sometimes you need to force yourself to by changing your environment and making that modification to accommodate your brain on some of those days, and just actually physically remove them. You don't even have to deal with where they're gonna go. Just put them in a tub for now. Put them down in your basement, and then you'll be able to work on finding new homes for them that you felt good about. So just wanted to add that here. And thanks, guys. Go off. Have a great week. I believe in you and I'm cheering you on. 

Danielle Bettmann  28:22  
Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of Failing Motherhood. Your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now and share it in your Instagram stories and tag me. If you're loving the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help more moms know they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood on a daily basis. And if you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong-willed child, and invest in the support you need to make it happen - schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on!

Transcribed by https://otter.ai