After School Restraint Collapse

It's that time of year, when your strong-willed child keeps it together all day at school then lets it all fall apart with you the second they get in the car.

I packed this episode full of perspective, mindset shifts, tangible strategies and preventative measures to equip you with the "game face" you need to tackle this transition.

IN THIS EPISODE I SHARED:

• How to meet them where they're at while still setting boundaries
• Why saying "Stop." "Don't" or "Calm down" won't work and what will instead
• Questions to ask instead of "how was your day?"

DON'T MISS:

• The tool you need to try esp. if you have siblings riding home together

// MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE //

Kids Podcasts I recommend: (find them on Spotify or Apple Podcasts)
PRE-K

• Circle Round
• Quentin and Alfie's ABC Adventures
• Molly of Denali
• Sound Detectives

ELEMENTARY

• The Big Life Kids Podcast
• Story Pirates
• Greeking Out from National Geographic Kids
• What If World
• But Why - A Podcast for Curious Kids
• Smash Boom Best

// CONNECT WITH DANIELLE //
Website: parentingwholeheartedly.com
IG: @parent_wholeheartedly
APPLY: parentingwholeheartedly.com/apply

Transcript

Danielle Bettmann  0:04  
Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood I mean. Have too much anxiety and not enough patience? Too much yelling, not enough play? There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right, but this is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you, you feel like you're screwing everything up, and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud - this podcast is for you. This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann, and each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real, showing her insecurities, her fears, her failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, that you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough, and you're not alone. I hope you pop in earbuds, somehow sneak away, and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend, we're so glad you're here. 

Danielle Bettmann  1:14  
Hey, it's Danielle. Your Positive Discipline Certified Parenting Coach for strong-willed kids ages two to 10. I help defeated parents find validation, support, and proven techniques to parent their strong-willed kids with composure, connection, confidence, and cooperation through a four-month group coaching program based on the Wholehearted framework I've developed over years of working with families one on one, and if you've just found the podcast, go to failingmotherhood.com to view a playlist of our most listened to episodes, as well as where to start if you have a strong-willed child. 

Danielle Bettmann  1:47  
Now, I don't know where you're at in the world, but right now, we are in the swing of back to school. We started a week ago. Now I know it fluctuates between like early August to early September, or you might be an all around school, or, you know, you might be homeschooling, who knows? But one thing all parents of strong-willed kids can relate to is after-school restraint collapse, which is when you pick them up after they have held it together all day long - had a million things asked of them, had a lot of big reactions and emotions and opinions that they kept subdued all day, and then the second they either lock eyes with you or get in the car, they collapse, they fall apart. All of the big emotions come out on you because you are safe to them. You resemble finally being able to be safe enough to be their full selves, and they are ready to vent. They are ready to get it off their chest. They want to feel heard and supported and fall apart, which, if we had nothing else to do in life - we would love to be there for them doing this, but we might be also running errands. You might be also picking up another sibling who gets very triggered or irritated by their restraint collapse. You might have had a long day yourself. There's a lot of other things going on, and so I had a client last week ask me about what to do to help make this transition into home, into dinner easier, because it felt like it was absolutely impossible -  pulling teeth. If that's something that's happening at your house, you are absolutely not alone. For you to be strategic during this time of day is very worth considering. 

Danielle Bettmann  3:40  
So what I recommended to them, I'm going to recommend to you today, starting with the drive to pick them up - game face, your favorite pump-up music, 90s, music, early 2000s, whatever you love. Let yourself get in the zone on the way there, expecting adversity, not being surprised by it, not thinking every day is just not going to be the same as the last. You know your kid. You know the time of year you're in. They are exhausted. They are hangry. They are ready to need you at the fullest capacity when you pick them up. So get ready for it. Only you can prepare yourself for it. Game face. Okay? 

Danielle Bettmann  4:28  
Then when they are getting into the car, they are going to act like they are angry at you, act like you have never done anything right in your whole life. They are going to take all their frustrations out on you. Now, they have full permission to feel those emotions, and of course, not full permission to act on them. They can be mad, sad, disappointed, frustrated, and not harmful. But know that that reaction and what is happening in this moment is not personal. It's actually a great sign. It's supposed to be a compliment, I know backhanded compliment, but it really is a compliment they know that they are safe enough to let it all out with you, and you are always going to be there for them, and there's nothing that they could say that would change that. So you do have a lot of pressure on you though, to deal with that inevitable stress of that big emotional bell curve up and down, and that level of intensity that you're met with in that moment. 

Danielle Bettmann  5:36  
So when you notice this pattern, or before school even starts, if you have that opportunity still - come up with a plan with your child so that they know what to expect when they get in the car. Or you can maybe ask them, would you like me to bring a snack? Or would you like to eat a snack at home? If that's something you're comfortable with offering. Would you like to listen to music on the way home, or just sit in silence? Would you like me to ask you two questions in the car? Or wait till we get home? Would you like to bring something in the car to make you feel more comfortable, to have something to do? Whether it be a book or a stuffed animal or, you know, a road trip toy only, of course, offer the choices that you are comfortable offering as their parent, whatever works best for your family. Come up with a plan, and that way, you at least have a foundation to build upon, where they know what is predictable, what is reassuring, and what they can know to expect, which allows them to mitigate any anxiety for that point in the day that they're already going to be dysregulated in, already going to be waiting for the last straw to send them over the edge. 

Danielle Bettmann  6:51  
Now some kids, when you pick them up, especially if it's early, preschool days, kindergarten year, first month of school, then they are going to be even combative. They might be kicking the back of your chair. They might be throwing something on the ground. They might be yelling, in a very volatile state and school is exhausting. Know that they did their absolute best to follow their teacher's directions, to make friends, to do all the things that you have taught them to do, where they do know what is acceptable there and their code-switching. It's not that they think it's acceptable with you, or that they think it's okay. They are so dysregulated that they know better and can't do better, in that state. They are genuinely hitting that wall, and they really do need you to be able to see them as waving a white flag that says, help me help myself right now. I don't got this. You have to be confident enough that you are not triggered or taking it personally, enough to be able to say, hey, I can see you're struggling, I'm here to help now. It still doesn't mean that they're allowed to kick your chair all the way home, right? But you want to start to meet them where they're at. One way that I have found to be really effective for that with my daughter, who kind of gets into the state a lot, even still, is really being able to join her in the commiseration of finding the negative and staying in the negative. So if she's saying school's the worst, it was a bad day. All right, tell me the worst part, what was the worst part of the day? Or what did somebody do that really made you mad today, because you're basically lofting a softball for them to knock out of the park. Start with the bad. Did somebody break a rule today? Did somebody embarrass themselves or embarrass you, or what did your teacher do today that really disappointed you or surprised you and you know wasn't the plan? That's a springboard for them to kind of place all of that combative energy into, where now you're just commiserating on the same team with a shared enemy. 'Ah, what? You were supposed to have a cookie with your cheese pizza, and instead, they gave you salad? How dare they right?' You're gonna be mad at that thing with them. That channels such a level of solidarity, that that exudes safety, that says, now let's make this random anecdote from your day a scapegoat, so that we are on the same team, on the same page, and we can start that conversation moving forward into something more productive. 

Danielle Bettmann  9:55  
Now you're still not going to follow it up with questions like, what was the best part of your day? Or what are you really proud of yourself for? How many friends did you make? Or anything that feels too cupcakes, rainbows, butterflies, because that's too far of a leap for them to make. And if it is something that they are proud of, that's a very vulnerable emotion, these kids have a very quick shame trigger, so you want to be delicate about being able to calm those defense mechanisms rather than set them off. 

Danielle Bettmann  10:25  
So then you're going to start to maybe ask about something more objective, more factual. So that might be, I mean, if they're comfortable with silence, great, sit in silence. But this is if they are still throwing out unfounded energy, whether that's, you know, combative, physically or just verbally, then you're going to move into those more factual questions. Oh, so, okay, what did you eat? Were you hungry for that today? Did you have recess today? I know it was really hot. Oh, did you sit with so and so at lunch? Oh, no. You sat with the other friend, okay, did you have art today? I can't remember if it's an art day, because they are going to be able to then actually access their memory, which is a closer part, like a more sophisticated part of their brain. if they're trying to recall things that aren't emotional based triggers, then they're going to start to bring in more logical, analytical, objective thinking, getting their brain piece by piece, step by step, question by question, back on line. 

Danielle Bettmann   11:32
Still doesn't mean they're going to be super excited to see you, maybe, but you're being able to get a much more productive conversation going where they might be calming their body while they're thinking about the answers to your questions. Of course, they're not going to be questions that are trying to trap them or, you know, have any other alternative purpose but just showing genuine, authentic curiosity about their day, right? So you're asking questions one at a time, really focused on some of the facts about their day. Oh, okay, so your teacher read three books. Were there any of the books that we had read, maybe at the library? Or do we have at our house, anything that is really actually tangible and factual, rather than emotional, that's gonna be able to get you to a place where eventually, maybe at the dinner table, maybe at bedtime, that's when they're gonna be ready to share more of the positive emotion-based questions and more of their thoughts about their actual reflection on the day of something that made them happy, they were proud of, or they were excited about, or that went well, and that's when you're gonna be able to ask them more about, who they played with - to calm your fears about their, social life, or be able to get into more of their head. But don't let that initial negativity and that negative outlook and that - glass is half empty type mentality that they come into the car with, don't jump to too many conclusions where that makes you think they are not safe at school for any reason, or that they're not making friends, or that they're not having fun, or that it's not the right school for them. Every stronghold kid I have met is always going to share their negative assessment first, when non verbally throughout their day, maybe even I was their teacher and maybe you were there too, and they were at Disney World with you, and they had all these nonverbal, you know, things that made you think, wow, they are enjoying this. They are having fun. Then when you ask them, how was the day at Disney World, they'll say, oh, you know, I didn't get to see that character in the parade, so it was a bad day. Now, don't believe them. I know that that sounds crazy to say, don't believe your child, but don't just jump to a whole bunch of assumptions and conclusions. Take them at their word, but also act on what you know to be true, which is they did have a lot of fun today, and believe they are probably making friends. They are having a lot of fun throughout the day. Let me check in with their teacher for maybe a more accurate assumption, and read on things, but just know if they experienced any adversity, that is going to be the thing that stays on the top of their radar, in the same way as maybe their strong-willed parent fixates on the one negative aspect of their day when they yelled at their child, rather than all of the positives that they could also give themselves credit for. Sound familiar? So you are also going to support them by maybe bringing a snack, because there is a big opportunity where they probably didn't eat a lot of lunch if they were socializing or pay a lot of attention to the cues from their body from the day. So they're all going to hit it.

Danielle Bettmann  15:00  
So if you're comfortable with it, find something that they can eat in the car. Offer silence if they're open to it. Some kids really do thrive with being able to just kind of tune out on the way home. Some kids are going to need you to really meet them where they're at and pull them one step forward along the way, holding their hand. You know, your child figure that out of how to regulate their nervous system best. 

Danielle Bettmann  15:24  
Then I have this moment stuck in my head where I was driving home from school and forgot a snack, and my daughter was losing her mind, just so hungry, so tired, so overwhelmed, just losing it. So I just kept kind of asking, hey, are you so hungry that you would eat a full watermelon right now? And she would be like, yeah. Are you so hungry that you could eat a whole bag of gummy worms? Yeah.  Could you could you eat three bags of gummy worms? How many bags of gummy worms could you eat right now? And she was like, 100 billion. I was like, oh, I bet so. Are you so hungry that you could eat a rubber shoe? She'd be like, noooo.  We just played that game all the way home, and it was the only way that I stayed sane - was just continuing to have my improv hat on as a parent and run with it with a yes and so that I continued to basically lay the path forward for her to channel that energy in to, otherwise it was just going to splatter on the wall and crash and burn. 

Danielle Bettmann  16:38  
So once we got home, we laughed a bunch about all these ridiculous things that she probably wouldn't eat or would eat, or how crazy it would get, and we got her a snack, and we survived. So keep that one in the back of your pocket, but I think the hardest thing to navigate is channeling that energy into something else. One way that I found that has really, really changed the game for a lot of clients, is using kids' podcast episodes to play after school, where you're gonna just have a plan as a family of, okay, we're gonna listen to an episode every day after school, and we're just gonna play the next one, you know, as soon as we say hi to each other. If you have not found a podcast for kids that your kid really responds well to, I highly urge you to try a few out, and I'm going to put some recommendations in the show notes. But if you can just hit play and tell everybody in the car, if you have more than one kid in the car to look out their window and focus on the episode, that is going to channel that energy into another outlet that prevents a lot of sibling rivalry, a lot of just behaviors coming from irritability and preventing the boredom that when they don't have something else to do, they find things to do that are unhelpful. 

Danielle Bettmann  18:02  
So if you if you can be proactive and preventative rather than reactive, you're going to find something that works for you in the car as an alternative to focus them too of what you want them to do instead, and then ride that energy into home with more peace of mind and calm in the car, especially if you have siblings in the car that you're picking up. You have to tell them something to do other than pick on each other, pester each other, call each other names, you know, find insane things to argue about. Believe me, I've been there 1000 times. I'm right there with you. You know what I'm talking about. You have to ask yourself, what exactly do I want them to do instead? Or what can I offer them as two other positive outlets that they might be interested in to take their mental energy right now  - that is not an ultimatum, but just two other ways to go about what they want to do in a way that is way more sanity giving for everyone. I highly recommend maybe a podcast episode, maybe an audiobook, listening to another chapter of an audiobook, and just hit play on that on the way home, and everybody just sits in silence and listens to that. I know if you haven't tried it, may be skeptical, but I guarantee there's going to be something really fun that you guys really enjoy listening to. My kids really loved the National Geographic Greeking Out. They also listen to podcast episodes at school sometimes whenever everyone's eating lunch. So there's Smash Boom Best or ones where they basically pit two things against each other and see who will win. Like factually wise, would a shark beat a tiger? I mean, things like that that's going to hold their attention. It's something they're interested in. That's going to buy you so much time until their nervous system just kind of regulates again, and you can move into the night with a lot more energy for you to give rather than burning out 20 minutes into the weeknight. 

Danielle Bettmann  20:04  
I hope that gives you at least a few ideas, strategies, and insight to work with those after-school moments for your family, and if you need more than that, then go ahead and find the free masterclass that's always in the show notes - Calm and Confident that is your ticket to finding a lot more patience. You need to be able to find a level of communication and understanding of working with the way your child's wired, that allows you to have the peace in your day that you deserve. I'm here for you. I'm so glad you're here. I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on. 

Danielle Bettmann  20:44  
Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of Failing Motherhood. Your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now share it in your Instagram stories, and tag me. If you love the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help more moms know they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood on a daily basis, and if you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong willed child and invest in the support you need to make it happen, schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on.