"Hold the Football": A Behavior Modification Tool

In today's quick episode, I break down a key facet to behavior modification I've been supporting a lot of clients with lately! 

It’s not a surefire guarantee toward cupcakes, rainbows and butterflies - but it is necessary shift in your communication that doesn’t contribute to a crash and burn affect.


IN THIS EPISODE I SHARED:

• 2 Examples of effective behavior modification outside of parenting
• What the "Hold the Football" Tool is and why it's critical
• How to apply this tool when a sibling is being pestered in the car

DON'T MISS:

• A challenge for you as you parent this week!

// MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE //
Netflix Series- America's Sweethearts: The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders


// CONNECT WITH DANIELLE //
Website: parentingwholeheartedly.com
IG: @parent_wholeheartedly
APPLY: parentingwholeheartedly.com/apply

Transcript

Danielle Bettmann  0:04  
Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood I mean. Have too much anxiety and not enough patience? Too much yelling, not enough play? There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right, but this is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you, you feel like you're screwing everything up, and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud - this podcast is for you. This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann, and each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real, showing her insecurities, her fears, her failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough, and you're not alone. I hope you pop in earbuds, somehow sneak away and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend, we're so glad you're here.

Danielle Bettmann  1:14  
Hey, it's Danielle, your Positive Discipline Certified Parenting Coach for strong-willed kids ages two to 10. I help defeated parents find validation, support, and proven techniques to parent their strong-willed kids with composure, connection, confidence, and cooperation through a four-month group coaching program based on the Wholehearted framework I have developed over years of working with families one on one. If you've just found the podcast, go to failingmotherhood.com to view a playlist of our most listened to episodes, as well as where to start if you have a strong willed child. 

Danielle Bettmann  1:46  
Now, in today's episode, I'm going to break down a key facet to behavior modification that I have been supporting a lot of clients with lately. It is not easy, but it is a key factor to getting cooperation, not a perfect guarantee for cupcakes, rainbows, butterflies, or perfection, but a huge piece in being able to control negating and working around and with their defense mechanism and saving you from a crash and burn. Now this idea came to me to share on the podcast, because on social media last week, I saw a comment about a moment that came from the America's Sweethearts, the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders Docu series on Netflix, and it talked about this moment where they were showing fans getting pictures with the cheerleaders. The main security guy was being interviewed, and he was explaining how they had had a problem with the male fans wanting to touch the cheerleaders inappropriately, or just touch them at all throughout the pictures, so they came up with a redirection. And what they found is that if they told the fans not to touch the cheerleaders, they still had a really hard time, because they basically didn't know what to do with their hands. And so they started this procedure where they brought a Cowboys football with them to these photo ops, and the security guy would hand it to the fan and say, hold the football. They would hold it with both hands. Then they would stand next to the cheerleader, and they would take their picture because they had their hands on the football, then we didn't have any problems with the touching of the cheerleader. 

Danielle Bettmann  3:40  
To me, it was abundantly clear just how effective this was in the science of behavior modification, because telling these men to not touch the cheerleader, for some reason, they still seemed to struggle with it, and I'm sure that they either felt like they could be exception to the rule, or it was fine, or, who knows, and it doesn't even matter to go down that road, but what they realized is, we need to give these guys something to do with their hands instead. That's where they came up with them taking a picture while they're holding this football. Not only does it look aesthetically pleasing, it gives them something to do instead.

Danielle Bettmann  4:24  
This is a huge concept that is so important to understand when parenting. Anytime you are dealing with a negative behavior, not only is it there for a reason, we need to figure out why. Not only is it important to understand, but you also need to know what skill is missing, or what they need to be doing instead in this moment, and that can be so hard to wrap your mind around as a parent because all you know is you need them to stop doing what they're currently doing. Stop. Don't do that. No, you can't do that. We don't do that, and that becomes the overall messaging - stop, no, don't.

Danielle Bettmann  5:09  
Well, the problem with that is genuinely a kid's mind, it cannot jump to a new conclusion or connect the dots into, 'Oh, okay. Well, if I'm not supposed to do that, or I can't do that, here's what I'll do instead.' They stay stuck, and then they spend their energy trying to work around that boundary you just set, rather than moving on into something 10 times more productive. 

Danielle Bettmann  5:37  
Another example of this is found in behavior modification for dog training, where, when dogs have a really hard time when the doorbell rings, instead of barking at the door and attacking the delivery driver, they train the dog that when they hear the doorbell, they pick up their toy. They can still run to the door, but if they have the toy in their mouth, then they can't bite the delivery driver. Now, if a dog and other adult humans need redirections of being told what to do instead, you cannot just shut down, stop or eliminate the negative behaviors you're seeing in your very new to the world, child, especially the one that's strong willed - so you need to focus on redirecting and rerouting them into something else, an alternative, a substitute, a redirection. Your job is to tell them what to do instead, and getting mindful of how often you use the words no stop or don't, because those don't solve the problem. It's okay if you just catch yourself and then begin to add on that when you say that, then you remind yourself, oh yeah now I have to tell them what to do instead. Now, again, if they don't connect their brain to connect the dots between what they should do differently, you'll realize just how hard it is for your brain too, as well. A lot of my clients will say my brain just blanks. I don't know what I want them to do right now, but it's just not that, anything but that, anything but pestering their brother in the car, anything but singing at that high tone, anything but whining about, you know, not getting to go for a walk because we said we were going to, and now we ran out of time, or whatever it is. They stay so stuck without us helping, and your brain stays stuck in the - I just don't want them to do this. I just need them to stop. It is a challenge to think on the spot and be creative and open-minded think outside the box and be in a headspace where you can almost be in your best improv state, be adaptable and flexible, and think on the spot of the alternatives, of a substitute, of a choice that they can have right now. So for example, in the most straightforward of circumstances, sometimes all you need to do is state the affirmative, so no running becomes walking feet.

Danielle Bettmann  8:27  
So that's simple. But what if they're just pestering their sibling in the car and that sibling is giving them this big reaction? Well, what's really happening there is they're likely just bored, and then they're using their sibling's reaction as a problem for the boredom. So just telling them to stop doesn't solve the boredom, and that's where they stay stuck. But this works for me, this is effective. It doesn't come down to the values or the rules. It just comes down to, well, the problem is boredom. The solution is what I've come up with, and it's pretty effective. So you have to show them a more effective route towards their same end goal of solving the boredom. So in the car, if you don't have something else for them to do right then, then you can still say, "Hey, Alex, I hear screaming. Is there a problem? I can't let you keep bugging your brother. I need you to find something else to do right now. Would you rather look out your window for birds or choose the next song we listen to?" It doesn't have to be something huge and exciting and entertaining and outlandish. It can feel like splitting a hair. It can be something extremely simple that was going to happen anyway, but you're just bringing their attention and guiding it into the next opportunity. They have to feel like they have some choice or some dignity or engage them in some way. 

Danielle Bettmann  10:02  
So it is very hard to get your brain to shift gears in those moments, but once you do, it does get easier and easier and picks up steam the more reps you get and the more practice you get with this. So for the next week, be super mindful of how many times you can challenge yourself to either speak in the affirmative from the get-go of telling them what to do instead, or being able to catch yourself in the no, stop, don't, and add on, and I need you to or a would you rather type of option. Now, again, this is not a surefire guarantee towards cupcakes, rainbows, and cooperation, but it is a necessary piece to not contribute to an escalating power struggle and the crash-and-burn effect that you know comes when they don't get their way. 

Danielle Bettmann  10:54  
Of course, these single scripts are going to come up short, so if you are ready for more, make sure you have dove into my Calm and Confident Masterclass on how to master the kind and firm approach your strong, willed child needs without crushing their spirit or walking on eggshells. When you're ready, go ahead and apply to work together, I cannot wait to meet you and talk more. Have a great week. I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on. 

Danielle Bettmann  11:25  
Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of Failing Motherhood. Your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now share it in your Instagram stories and tag me. If you love the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help more moms know they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood on a daily basis, and if you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong willed child and invest in the support you need to make it happen, schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes, I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you and I'm cheering you on.