Stepmom Support: From Proving Yourself to Living a Kick-Ass Life with Jamie Scrimgeour

One could say with motherhood, you know what you’re signing up for - but you certainly have no idea how it will feel. 

As a Child of Divorce and Child Protection Worker with a background in Psychology and Social Service Work, Jamie Scrimgeour thought she knew what she was signing up for as a childless bachelorette when she decided to marry a man with three kids and an ex.

But as I am sure you can guess, she felt like she had no freaking idea, and quickly found herself  in-over-her head. Finding a lack of resources for step moms, she created her own and now supports thousands of step moms in doing the work to show up as their best selves.

In this episode, we spoke to assumptions her clients make of her and each other and unique challenges stepmoms face.  She spoke to the guilt stepmoms feel in typical motherhood spaces - the things they would be shamed to say and the cycle they get into trying to prove themselves.  She also shared advice for ex's and offered grace for dads.

IN THIS EPISODE, WE COVERED...

• The dichotomy of "loving like they're your own" yet needing to "know your place"
• Things stepmoms are ashamed to say
• Why learning how to disengage without disconnecting is a critical, relationship-saving skill

DON'T MISS-

• Questions every parent can ask themselves to gain clarity + intentionality moving forward as a family

// MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE //
Book: The Origins of You: How Breaking Family Patterns Can Liberate the Way We Live and Love by Vienna Pharaon

// CONNECT WITH JAMIE SCRIMGEOUR //
Website: jamiescrimgeour.com
Instagram: @jamiescrimgeour
Program: https://www.kickassstepmom.com/

I believe in you + I'm cheering you on.
Come say hi!  I'm @parent_wholeheartedly on Insta.
Apply to work together: parentingwholeheartedly.com/Apply

Transcript

Jamie Scrimgeour  0:00  
There's a whole slew of issues that can come up that can affect your relationship with your step kids. So this message of 'you need to love your step kids like they're your own'. Okay? But then on the flip side, society is saying, but 'make sure you know your place, don't parent them because you're not a real parent, but love them like they're your own'. So it's like, okay, I'm supposed to love them like they're my own, and treat them like they're my own, but I would do this for my own child but I can't do that, so that's overstepping. Okay, right? So a lot of stepmoms very much feel like they're good enough until they're not.

Danielle Bettmann  0:37  
Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood I mean. Have too much anxiety and not enough patience? Too much yelling, not enough play? There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right, but this is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you, you feel like you're screwing everything up, and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud - this podcast is for you. This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann, and each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real, sharing her insecurities, her fears, her failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough, and you're not alone. I hope you pop in earbuds, somehow sneak away and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend, we're so glad you're here.

Danielle Bettmann  1:51  
Hey, it's Danielle. One could make the case that with motherhood, you might know what you're signing up for, but you certainly have no idea how it will feel. My guest today, Jamie Scrimgeour, is here to say that's even more true when becoming a stepmom. She was a 26 year old, childless bachelorette who accidentally fell in love with a single dad with three kids. As a child of divorce and a child protection worker with a background in psychology and social service work, she thought she knew what she was signing up for when she decided to marry a man with three kids and an ex. But as I'm sure you can guess, she felt like she had no freaking idea, and quickly found herself in over her head. Finding a lack of resources for stepmoms, she created her own and now supports thousands of stepmoms in doing the work to show up as their best selves. In today's interview, we spoke to the assumptions her clients make of her and each other and unique challenges stepmoms face. She spoke to the guilt stepmoms feel in typical motherhood spaces, the things they would be shamed to say, and the cycle they get into trying to prove themselves. She spoke to the dichotomy of being enough until you're not, and is honest that it's not all stepmoms and not all exes. Our most valuable piece of the conversation centered around the idea of disengaging without disconnection, where Jamie shared several questions every mom can ask herself to gain clarity and intentionality with the best way to move forward for her family. I can't wait for you to hear this conversation. Here's my interview with Jamie.

Danielle Bettmann  3:34  
Welcome to Failing Motherhood. My name is Danielle Bettmann, and on today's episode, I'm joined by Jamie Scrimgeour. Hey, Jamie, thanks so much for being here.

Jamie Scrimgeour  3:42  
Hi, thank you for having me. 

Danielle Bettmann  3:44  
Of course. Go ahead and just give a quick intro to my listeners. Who are you and who's in your family?

Jamie Scrimgeour  3:49  
Who am I? Well, that's like the big question for moms, right? Who am I? So I am a mom of one, I have a daughter who is 10. I have three step kids who now are 22 tomorrow, 20 years old and 17 years old. So we kind of are in all different stages of motherhood. But yeah, so when I first became a stepmom, well, 11 years ago now, I really realized that there's a huge gap in the space of step-motherhood. So you know, moms are really encouraged to keep it real, talk openly, be raw and open all the things. Stepmoms are definitely not met with grace when they do that. So yes, I noticed the gap, and I started, you know, chatting about it a little bit online, started blogging, and, you know, long story short, I have ended up creating this online platform for stepmoms. I have an online community, a membership with stepmoms from over 30 countries around the world. I am the host of The KICK-ASS Stepmom Podcast, and basically my whole mission, in terms of like my coaching programs and my resources, is just to open up the conversation about stepmom life and step family life and the complications that come with that, and just show stepmoms that, you know, ultimately, we are in control of our own lives, and having them take back that power and own their story. So that's kind of my jam right now. When people are like, 'who are you?'. I'm like, I am a stepmom and everything I do really seems to come back to that.

Danielle Bettmann  5:28  
Where are you located?

Jamie Scrimgeour  5:30  
Yeah, we're just outside of Stratford, Ontario, so like, near Toronto.

Danielle Bettmann  5:36  
Okay, and I saw your about me, the part of your website says that you always have good book recommendations. Are you reading anything good lately?

Jamie Scrimgeour  5:44  
You know what? I need to update that. Because actually my girlfriend messaged me, and she was like, what are you reading right now? For some reason this summer, interestingly enough, I could not just chill and get into a book. I was really, really struggling with that. So I'm reading a book right now, The Favorite Daughter. It's kind of a thriller, but I love the thrillers, like anything Colleen Hoover, that kind of thing. 

Danielle Bettmann  6:09  
Yep. Yep. Same. Freida McFadden, all those quick, quick reads, Silent Patient is like one of my top favorites. I'm there with you, so I totally get it, though. I have a book that has been sitting on my nightstand since January that I bought, read four chapters in and have not gotten back to. It's just like staring at me,  for some reason I just cannot.

Jamie Scrimgeour  6:28  
Yeah and for me, if that was the case, if I start a book and I'm not excited to keep reading it, I'm not so excited to get in bed at night and read it, it's gotta go. I don't have time, you know? The people are like, well, I'm already halfway through. I need to see this out. No, my time is priceless, I'm on to the next. So if it's not driving, it's got to go. 

Danielle Bettmann  6:50  
Well, the mistake I made was that I purchased it for a trip, as opposed to, I usually get them from the library, and it keeps me honest, because it's like, all right, it needs to go back to the library. I'm either going to finish it or I'm going to return it, and then, you know, keeps it fresh. But when I buy it, then it's like, oh no, it's no longer urgent, and it just sits there. Even if it's a great book, it can be fantastic. I'm just never going to finish it now. Well, okay, we'll move on to all the juicy stuff. So tell us a little bit more about the backstory of becoming a stepmom for the first time. How did that go for you?

Jamie Scrimgeour  7:23  
Well, I hope it's the only time, because I don't know if I can do this again. I was 26 and I was single. You know, this is crazy. So I was living with my sister in an apartment with my dog, and we were just kind of doing life. I was going to yoga. I was working in child protection. I had just got out of a long-term relationship, just doing my thing. I went to a psychic, and I was late, and as I rolled up to the door. I parked in a no-parking spot, where she couldn't see where I was for sure like she couldn't see where I parked. I knocked on her door and I was late, and she said, 'You need to go move your car. You're going to get towed. How would she know where I was parked, right? So I was like, oh my gosh, this girl's legit. So I go back and during our session, she told me that I was going to be engaged to a man with three kids by the end of the year. So this is February- ish, at that time, and I'm thinking to myself, okay, well, I am spending my Saturday nights with a bottle of wine and Nicholas Sparks. I'm definitely like, you're out to lunch. She said, 'If you guys met each other right now, it wouldn't be the right time. But give it a few months, this person's coming. So I just kind of left it, and she gave me this piece of paper and said, 'Write out all of your characteristics. What are you calling in? What do you want from a relationship?' I had to write, I forgot the number, I have the paper still. It was like, 54 things, or something like that, and the angels were going to guarantee me a certain number of them. I'm like, okay, well, this is crazy. What a waste of 60 bucks, right? This lady's nuts. So March happens, and I end up dating, going out on a first date with my now husband, and I found out he had been divorced. I always kind of had a crush on him, so I had reached out on Facebook and we were chatting, and basically she was right, and I forgot about this whole session, right? So I was coming home from his house three weeks later, four weeks later, and I knew I was going to marry this man. It was just very done in my head. I thought about that piece of paper that I had wrote all of those things, and he was all but one. So crazy. We were engaged in October, so we were engaged by the end of the year, which was just wild. So yeah, I was 26 years old, and he had three kids, so they were 10, eight and five at the time. We moved really fast. It was crazy. I'm glad I didn't realize how crazy it was at the time, because I'm not an overthinker about stuff like that. I just follow my gut, and if I really would have thought about it, I would have probably, you know, drove myself crazy. But, you know, I went from zero to three kids in a very short period of time, and then we had another baby, and within a year of being married, so it was like zero to four kids. So that's kind of how it all started, but we had an age difference. He's 13 years older than me, so there were so many layers to just the dynamic. You know, he's recently divorced, all the things, but it was complicated. It was really complicated.

Danielle Bettmann  10:44  
Yeah, talk about jumping in the deep end.

Jamie Scrimgeour  10:46  
Yeah. I have a Q&A on my Instagram, you know, people who haven't been following you for a while, and they're like, 'What was life like as a mother before you were a stepmom?' I'm like, I was a stepmom first.

Danielle Bettmann  10:57  
Yeah, yeah, wild. Have you ever felt like you were failing motherhood? 

Jamie Scrimgeour  11:03  
Yeah, I would say more lately. I think there are just so many things we could be doing and we feel like we should be doing. Yeah, there's been many times where I've always felt like I was a really good stepmom, there has never really been anything that I've really had the stepmom guilt. I've always shown up, I think, in a good way with the kids. There's obviously been times when I was like, oh, that wasn't my shiniest moment. But I think on on average, I'm a great stepmom to them. But I think when it comes to the motherhood piece, there were things that I think at the very beginning, because I had all of the kids, maybe I didn't give enough attention to when she was young. That makes sense, right? Because, you know, I had a newborn, but I also had my step-kids, and my husband has a demanding job, so I was doing a lot of the extracurriculars and things like that. So I think trying to balance motherhood and step-motherhood is an areas where I feel like maybe I should have read more, maybe I should be doing more homework, or I'm not really a parent who likes to play. I'm not really that fun. I have a daughter who loves to play, so it's like my husband who likes to play, so things like that. I definitely feel like maybe I'm not failing, but I could show up a little bit better, and I have a little bit of that mom guilt.

Danielle Bettmann  12:20  
I don't think you'd be a human mom if you didn't have any of those areas as like opportunities for improvement, because that's just relatable, that's realistic expectations of ourselves. I think so often we put others on the pedestal that they have it all together clearly, right? They have it all figured out, but I don't think you ever arrive. You never totally figure it out, and that is always a breath of fresh air. I think that listeners need to be reminded of is there's always going to be something that looks really shiny on the outside, that is something I'm kind of more insecure about, or something that's not a strength for me, that I'm completely embracing. I think a lot of moms would say I'm not good at play, and that's okay,

Jamie Scrimgeour  13:02  
Yeah and I think we have to be very careful too about making assumptions on how other people show up. I know we talk a lot about this, but maybe we don't even really talk about it enough, because I've always prided myself on being super honest and real on my Instagram. Mind you, I like to be curated, and I like to look good, right?  So you know, there's the balance there, but I've had stepmoms reach out to me and say, well, you're always Zen, right? I did this podcast episode the other day, and people could send in their assumptions. So do your assumptions about me, assumptions about our family, assumptions about our life, and it was that I was always Zen, or that, you know, Darren and I are always on the same page when it comes to the kids, or it comes to my step kids, or I never lose my mind about something, or never super stressed out. It's just like, that could not be further from the truth, and even though I try to show that side of me and try to be real, I do think we always have to keep in mind is that, behind the scenes, everyone is struggling. We really don't know what anyone else is going through.

Danielle Bettmann  14:07  
No, not at all. I just don't think our brain goes there unless we're really presented with that evidence otherwise. That's one of the messages that I hope to send through interviews on this podcast, is specifically saying no for real, though we're all struggling with something, and this is what that can look like behind the scenes. So don't be so hard on yourself. Just join the club.

Jamie Scrimgeour  14:30  
For sure. Yes.

Danielle Bettmann  14:32  
So when it comes to the moms that follow you, that you know are your clients and are in your world, what are the biggest struggles that come to the experience of step=motherhood, that are unique to step-motherhood, that you see on a daily basis where they feel like they're failing?

Jamie Scrimgeour  14:51  
Well, I think there's so many, you know, I could go on about this, but the big thing is, there's a lot of mixed messages and double standards for moms and so you have the message out there saying, you need to love your stepchildren like they're your own. Okay, that's a huge ask. First of all, when you don't have that biological connection, or maybe you've come in when they're teenagers, or maybe they have a mom who is, saying disparaging things about you at her home, maybe you're in a high conflict relationship, or co parenting relationship, maybe there is parental alienation, right? There's a whole slew of issues that can come up that can affect your relationship with your step kids. So this message, you need to love your step kids like they're your own. Okay? Then on the flip side, society is saying, but make sure you know your place. Don't parent them because you're not a real parent, but love them like they're your own. It's like, okay, I'm supposed to love them like they're my own and treat them like they're my own. I would do this for my own child but I can't do that, so that's overstepping, okay, right? So a lot of stepmoms very much feel like they're good enough until they're not. They're good enough for, the nitty gritty of parenting. They're good enough for the homework and the lunches and the pickup and the drop off, or whatever else is going on. Then when it comes to those glory moments of parenting, right? So say, maybe the graduation dress shopping or things like that, which 100% are reserved for mom, and we get that, but then it's also like, okay, well, then I have to know my place. So a lot of stepmoms really do feel good enough, until they're not. Then the relationship with the ex can be really complicated, and society has really ingrained this into us, this competition piece, right? This competition piece between moms and stepmoms. You go to a hockey arena and say you're sitting there and there's a stranger beside you, and they said, oh, like, which one's your boy or whatever, right? You say, oh, that's my stepson there. A lot of the time, people's initial reaction to you saying, this is your stepchild is, oh so how are things with the mom? Like to complete strangers, right? So there's always this curiosity about that dynamic. Either the stepmom could be going through a special kind of hell at that time, right? So either she has to lie, or she has to say what's going on, and then in that point, she's almost kind of baited, you know? So it's just the narrative is there, that competition piece is there, and it can really get into stepmoms' heads, right? I think there's a lot of moms and stepmoms who, if you haven't done the work on yourself, if you're not confident in how you're showing up, can get really insecure, can start to compare, right? Little things like, oh, they like her food better, or they want to go to their moms? 

Danielle Bettmann  17:42  
Yeah, I can only imagine. I think there's so much insecurity in motherhood in general, let alone being put in that dynamic where you're behind the eight ball and everybody's ahead of you, that's only going to bring even more insecurities to light. Confidence is everything. I think there are a lot of misconceptions about stepmoms that you're already kind of alluding to. Are there any others that you always like to clear up, or like myths that you like to bust when you're given the opportunity? 

Jamie Scrimgeour  18:11  
You know what? Here's the deal. I think I talk a lot about step-parenting, and I do a lot of advocating for stepmoms. I will say, though, there are some stepmoms who aren't great. So I don't ever want anyone to be like, oh, she's like, pro stepmom. No, I'm just pro doing the work and showing up as the best version of you, and that's the thing. So I know there are a lot of stepmoms who will be in my membership, or I'll be doing a coaching call with someone, and they're telling me how they're responding or how they're reacting with things. I'm like, oh, well, did you think that was going to help, right? So there are a lot of situations where the stepmom maybe isn't showing up in the best interest of the kids. Or, you know, the ex-wife has very valid concerns. I don't blame her for being pissed off about this, right?  I think it's important to acknowledge that and also to just remember that this is kind of like on the flip side there, the situation doesn't bring out everyone's shiniest qualities. So there are a lot of things that I felt like I knew before I became a stepmom, right? So I knew he had kids, I knew he had an ex. I knew it would be hard. What I didn't know is how all of this would feel, and that's the same for say, an ex who may be struggling with a new woman in their kid's lives, right? She knew this was going to happen. She knew this was going to be like this when they ended their marriage, but she didn't know how it was going to feel. A lot of our insecurities and our triggers and all of that come, spewing out when we get into these situations. It really is an opportunity for us to say, whoa, what is going on here for me? What is this really about now? What am I really feeling like? Is it about the ex and the schedule change, or is it about the holiday schedule? Or is it that I feel like maybe I don't matter, or I have a worthiness wound, or I am feeling like an outsider, or I'm feeling insecure, right? What's the deal here? Like what's actually happening? I think that's the most powerful thing that anyone in a co-parenting situation can do because it's very, very triggering.

Danielle Bettmann  20:14  
Oh yeah, no, you nailed it on the head, for sure. That's so universal. We maybe really, really, really wanted motherhood and chose it, and thought we knew what to expect, but you do not know how it's gonna feel what kid you're gonna get, and what that experience is gonna look like. There are so many dynamics out of your control that you end up grasping at straws for things that you can control, and then that becomes your coping mechanism, and it can kind of get out of control, which I would love for you to speak to. Are there any well-intentioned mistakes that you often see stepmoms making, where it ends up coming up sideways maybe? 

Jamie Scrimgeour  20:56  
Well, there are phases, right? I should almost do, like the cycle of being a stepmom. So, you know, the very beginning you go all in, and you're doing all of the things for everyone, right? It's all you want to prove that you're all in on this situation. You're showing up, you're doing the lunches, you're doing the laundry, you're doing all of the like, quote, unquote, motherly jobs, and showing up for your partner in that way, which is great and beautiful. But it gets to the point where you think motherhood is a thankless job. Try being a stepmom, right? There are no parades, you're not getting the thank you and the appreciation and all of the things. So, you know, after a while, I see all the stepmoms doing this, and what they do is say, 'Oh no, we have the kids, I'm unavailable.' So they drop everything when they have the kids, they're going all in, doing all of the things. Then when they don't get any of those glory moments where they're not feeling appreciated, or no one's coming to help them anymore, right? No one's offering to help. So you get a lot of stepmoms who and I did the same thing, go all in, so I got the dishes, I got the dishes, I got it, I got it. Then one day you're just angry and resentful and overwhelmed. You're like, no one helps me with the dishes and your partner's like, well, you've been telling us for two years that you've got it, and now all of a sudden, you're in this new season. We're like, no, this isn't actually working for me anymore. Or communicating with the ex all the time, right? A lot of stepmoms go in and take over that communication just to make things easier. Well, then they're feeling triggered all the time. There's conflict, like, you know you have to be able to stop and ask yourself, is what I'm doing working? So a lot of stepmoms will go all in, and then they're burnt out and they're depleted, and then they're even more triggered. We all know that when you're really triggered and you're feeling overwhelmed, you can't deal with life's stressors in a way that you feel good about, right? So then you have reactions that you don't feel proud of. So it's, it's a cycle.

Danielle Bettmann  22:53  
I bet that's on paper. Westerners are like, yep, that's me.

Jamie Scrimgeour  22:58  
I talk about this a lot, and my husband and I had this argument in our kitchen, and I was like, I don't do anything I used to do anymore. I stopped doing everything for you people. I used to go to yoga. I used to go to bookstores. I used to go to coffee shops, and I don't do any of that. He said, no one asked you to stop doing that, Jamie, you stopped doing that. I was like, dang it, right, he's right. But you almost think you have to do that to show up as, quote, unquote, good stepmom.

Danielle Bettmann  23:27  
Right? I bet you feel inadequate or have that worthiness piece that's kind of driving that motivator, and you said you feel good enough until you don't. So how else do you reckon with that? What do you recommend for a mom who's just trying to say, well, I'm not enough if I don't do all of these things, I have to be there. I have to be at this. I have to be at that. How else do they deal with that pervasive feeling of inadequacy in that dynamic?

Jamie Scrimgeour  23:59  
Yeah, well, you know, I think you need to do the work on yourself, and that's where your personal growth practice comes in. That's an eye roll, I'm sure, for a lot of people who hear that. But again, you know, the triggers, the insecurities that you had going into stepmom life are going to be 10x when you become a stepmom, so all of those. So if you always kind of felt like an outsider growing up, or maybe in your family, you're gonna feel like an outsider as a stepmom. You know, if you've always kind of felt like you didn't really belong, or were on the outskirts, 100% are gonna feel like that. So all of that stuff is triggered in us. So it's like, what is really going on for me now, what am I really scared of? What do I fear? Right? Is it that I know a lot of stepmoms struggle with the fact they worry that their partner wishes they were with their first wife, or that this isn't as important because they've done it before? I always challenge stepmoms to say, is the story you're telling yourself true there? What makes you think that? What makes you feel that? I know I had a coaching client one time, and she was talking about how she never felt like she belonged, or she never felt like she was wanted, and they would go to a place where they used to go as a family before her for a vacation, and she felt very triggered there. She felt like she didn't belong. I said, okay, tell me about what your step-kid had to say about you being there. What was your partner like? She's like, well, they were really excited to show me. They wanted to show me how they could do wakeboarding. They really wanted to, you know, bring me to this restaurant that they really loved. I said, so they wanted to show you something that was important to them, so they wanted to include you in something. She's like, yes. So her narrative was, I'm an outsider here, because they've done this before, and you are an outsider as a stepmom, you've come in halfway through the story, so you're going to feel like that. The truth was that they were inviting her into that, but she was still blinded by her insecurities and her thoughts that she was just looking for confirming information for a story that wasn't true. So we need to challenge that like we need to challenge what's going on. My husband, just give you another example - I always used to feel like an outsider with the kids, and my husband, at the end of the night, would ask all the kids if they wanted to go downstairs and watch a movie. They like horror movies, and he would always go down and watch movies with the kids, and I felt like an outsider. I said, why do you not invite me to go? He's like, you're always welcome to come watch the movie with us. Do you want to watch the movie with us? I was like, no. Do you not want alone time? I can tell when you need alone time, and I was just trying to give that to you. Yeah. He's like, well, then why do you feel like an outsider? I said I don't know. Right? You know, sometimes we can just make things up.

Danielle Bettmann  26:45  
Make the puzzle pieces fit, make it make sense, yeah. Oh, so often that's the case, and that's a great way to illustrate what that narrative, what that story, might look like, and how discovering that is going to be able to help you find that root of actually kind of healing that by doing the work you said. Then you can move forward having a totally different story because the circumstances themselves are positive. You're getting that feedback.

Danielle Bettmann  27:19  
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Jamie Scrimgeour  29:20  
I like to get stepmoms to this place where they're triggered by something, and then they can stop and go, oh, this is that wound coming up for me. Oh, this is actually what this is about, right? I don't know if you know the book Origins of You, I think it is by Vienna Pharaon. Such a good book, probably one of my favorite personal development books. But it talks about how everyone has their origin wounds, and it's a game-changing book for anyone. But I always encourage my stepmoms to read that too, so they can be like, oh, okay, I see this differently now. Once you start to see your life in that way, you can't unsee it.

Danielle Bettmann  29:53  
No, that's amazing, and likely no one has been able to really do that before. Or you're in a situation like you're putting that car together while you're already halfway down the interstate. It does make it feel very, very disorienting, but you truly don't know what you need to uncover until you're faced with it right? So it's messy, but I will share that book recommendation in the show notes for those who are just looking for somewhere practical to start. I think that's fantastic advice. Is there any other practical strategy about, like scheduling or communication or something that's like a super low-hanging fruit that you recommend to, like every family?

Jamie Scrimgeour  30:41  
Well, the thing is, when you're a stepmom, there's no one-size-fits-all approach. So what works for one step-family may not work for another. So I talk a lot about the power of disengaging as a stepmom and disengaging without disconnecting. I actually interviewed LeAnn Rimes on my podcast, and she was one who said disengaging without disconnecting and I was like, oh my gosh, that's so good. She talked about that for her, because when she was really struggling to find her place with her step kids. Here's the deal, you have to ask yourself, is what I'm doing working? Is what I'm doing working? We can get so caught up in how we think it should be what step-family life should look like, how the ex should react to us, and what our step-kids should do,  that we're trying to control things we have no control over. So there's this quote. It says, "True happiness comes from accepting things as they are, not how you think they should be". So I think a lot of stepmoms come in, well, I know a lot of stepmoms come in and they're pushing things to be the way that they think it should be, instead of being like, okay, is what I'm doing work, and if it's not working, there's a way to take a step back, not out of spite, not out of well, screw you, you guys don't respect me or whatever, whatever the narrative is there, but it's saying, we just need to take a little bit of a reset, and reset our foundation. So I have a whole workshop inside my membership KICK-ASS Stepmom on how to disengage without disconnecting, and it teaches stepmoms on how to do that right, how to evaluate. So if you're corresponding with the ex, with all the logistics, and it's working really well, and there's no conflict and there's no anxiety around the communication - amazing. But if every time your phone goes off and you see her name, you want to throw up, or there's an inconsistent relationship, so you don't know what you're going to get, then maybe you need to reevaluate. You know, if you are super close with your step kids, have been in their world since they were very young, and have always played a role in the discipline in your home, and that works for you - amazing. But if now you're getting blowout fights with your teenage stepson because they're no longer receptive to that, and it's actually making things way worse. Okay, it's time to go back to the drawing board, right? It's time to reevaluate how we're approaching this. And a lot of that really has to do with checking your ego. 

Danielle Bettmann  32:58  
That says so much already. Yeah, yeah, it is tough. Okay, that's golden, and something we can all apply, whether we're a stepmom or not, as a listener for sure. I was curious about that phrase, disengaging without disconnecting. Do you feel like that is something that all moms need to know how to do, or is that unique to step-motherhood?

Jamie Scrimgeour  33:24  
Well, I think all moms should ask themselves, is what I'm doing working right? Is it getting me closer to the relationship I want with my kids, or is it getting me further away? This is not me saying it needs to be a frickin free for all, and the kids get to make the decisions. That's not it at all. But I do think as parents and specifically stepmoms, you have to get clear on your hard nose, and so a lot of stepmoms will really struggle with maybe Dad's not following through with rules and expectations that we both said we agreed to, well, if he's not following through and that he didn't agree to them, he was just trying to get out of that conversation with you, right? Like, you guys need to get realigned on that, or they don't agree with, like, all of these things that are happening in the home, and they're constantly coming out their partner saying, this needs to change. You need to address this. This is a problem. This is a problem. And just nagging, right? All we do is nag. I was there, Darren said when I first was around, he felt like he was living with a drill sergeant, right? And so this is the thing. I got to the place where I was on the bathroom floor, bawling my eyes out, wondering what I was thinking marrying a man with three kids, right? I was not in a good space. So that day, I committed to doing the work for myself and my family. That's how I came up with my signature framework. That's how I, you know, came up with the tools and strategies I'm sharing because they've worked for me, and then they've worked for 1000s of other stepmoms at this point, but to stop and be like, is this working? What can I let go? Like, what really matters? So that. When you do have something that is a hard no, that you're like, okay, this is an absolutely no for me, your stepkids or your partner is going to hear you more because you haven't been nagging about everything leading up to that point, right? So, you know, when someone's always taught to speak when it's really important, pick your battles. So now if I say something to my husband, like, that's a no. Like, absolutely not. It's not even a battle, because he just respects it, because I don't have an issue about a lot of things, but this is a no for me.

Danielle Bettmann  35:30  
Yeah. I think that's absolutely a skill that all women need to work with because we might hear the no inside us and feel it screaming, but not be able to verbalize it in a way that feels really confident.

Jamie Scrimgeour  35:44  
Yeah? And does that really matter? Like, does this really matter? Is this about my need for control? Is this about me wanting things to look a certain way? Like, is it worth the impact it's having on the vibe of my home? Like, these are all questions I really encourage someone to ask.

Danielle Bettmann  35:58  
Yeah, oh so good. All those questions we can keep coming back to with different seasons, different stages, different curveballs, for sure, and a couple more things to define, while we're in that world, what is a high conflict ex situation look like? 

Jamie Scrimgeour  36:17  
Well, it depends on who you're talking to, right? It's just like a higher conflict situation. It's just kind of a term in the step-family space. But I think a lot of stepmoms love to just call the ex-wife high conflict. Like every situation is high conflict. There's a lot of high-conflict situations where there's no desire, everything's a fight. There's no desire to come to an agreement. It's just like constantly something, and there are some crazy high-conflict situations, like, I have two coaching clients right now who have literally been physically assaulted by the ex, both of them, right? And so that's literally high conflict. Then you have the situations where there's constantly just something, and they're whatever. But I always encourage stepmoms to reconsider labeling the ex as high conflict. So in my chat room, I'll see 'dealing with HCBM', which is high conflict, birth mom. That's like in the chat room. So when you've done that when you've labeled that right off the bat, you've already decided what her intentions are. So if you refer to her as high conflict before you're even finishing your sentences, you've already decided that her intentions are high conflict. So that gets you into the mindset where you're not even in a space to make some sort of resolution and the way you view situations. So I always, you know, steer symptoms away from creating that label. Or, you know, we're having disagreements in our co-parenting relationship right now, as your language can really go a long way, but yeah, to answer your question, that's what it is. It's a higher conflict situation. And here's the deal, and this is where some, you know, the wives get really surprised when I say, but there are some high conflict stepmoms too. There are some high-conflict stepmoms, and you know, they're not typically in my world, because I'm all about, you know, checking your ego, personal accountability, and showing up as the best version of you. But that was another reason why I started my platform because there were a lot of stepmoms where, you know, it was all about the bashing and the venting and the blaming, and that's fine. Maybe it feels good in that moment, but it's not going to make things any better.

Danielle Bettmann  38:23  
Yeah, do you ever speak to the exes, as in, if there's a listener here who's been divorced and then you know their partner remarried, what advice or what do you feel like they need to remember or know?

Jamie Scrimgeour  38:39  
I think like everyone should really check their ego on that and just know that most stepmoms really are just trying their best and trying to have a healthy relationship, and want to show up for the kids and find their place in this family too, and just meeting each other with grace, I think, is the big thing. Understanding there's going to be moments where maybe she doesn't show up as her shiniest version of herself, like give her the same grace that you would want, and just try to see it from the bigger picture and be able to have that open and honest communication. But I think there's, you know, a lot of grief that comes with that. I know I really wanted to have a co-parenting relationship where we were able to sit and have wine and talk about things and all of that, I would have loved that. That's not our scenario, right? We've had it at times. It's ebbed and flowed, but there's a little bit of grief there. So to have that healthy relationship, you have to have two willing participants as well. 

Danielle Bettmann  39:35  
Oh yeah, for sure. No. Thank you for speaking to that. And why do you feel like stepmoms really deserve and need a space in conversations that are beyond typical motherhood spaces? 

Jamie Scrimgeour  39:50  
Well, I think it's because of the guilt, right? The guilt and the judgment. So you have a stepmom who says, you know, I'm so overwhelmed when my stepkids come over. Then the response is, oh, well, you knew what you were signing up for when you decided to marry someone with kids. Yeah, for sure again, but we didn't know how it felt. I always think back. I use this example. So remember when Facebook statuses were like, you would just do a Facebook status, right? And so it was, 'two more days of March Break. I can't wait for these kids to go back to school', right? So say, a mom writes that and everyone's like, 'Here, here', 'can't wait either', 'let's have wine on Tuesday', or whatever the narrative is, right? Yeah, a stepmom writes that though -  many stepmoms who are with their stepkids the exact same amount as the mom also have even more challenges, because they don't have that biological connection on a lot of in a lot of situations - their bounce back rate and their feelings and all the things. And so there's so many stepmoms who just felt like they couldn't be open and honest about how they were feeling. You know, when I say to stepmoms, you don't have to love your stepkids like they're your own if you don't feel that way like you have to stop with that guilt. Do you have to treat them well? 100%. Do all of these things, but if you don't feel that same connection, that's okay. I'll say I have three stepchildren and one daughter. My relationship with my stepkids is completely different than my relationship with my daughter, who I grew in my own body, right? So it's different, and I came into her world at a different time. I have three step kids that I have three very different relationships with based on when I came into their lives and their personalities, etc., right? And so normalizing those feelings and those emotions and those experiences, so many stepmoms are just like, oh my gosh, thank you for saying that. I feel a weight lifted off, but there's no safe place for them to have those conversations.

Danielle Bettmann  41:40  
So, so, so good. I feel like that is incredibly needed, and the more you feel seen, the more you feel like you're with people who truly get it, and then the more you can shed that shame and that guilt and be able to truly accelerate your progress in the space that you want to and build the momentum that you want to with the support of that community. I see that every day with my clients. I would absolutely recommend listeners if they are relating. You know, you've shared so much already, but you can only just continue to go deeper and deeper, the more that you put yourself out there and feel vulnerable, to really talk about what's bothering you the most, and what your struggles are. So I'd love for you to define what does it look like to be a kick-ass stepmom?

Jamie Scrimgeour  42:25  
Oh, yeah. So this whole kick-ass stepmom thing came to life when I was trying to figure out what I wanted for the stepmoms in my world, right? Like, what do I want for myself, what I want for my life, what I want for stepmoms in my in my world? I was like, I wanted to live a kick-ass life. Like, that's what I want, right? So that's where it really comes from. I want stepmoms to learn how to thrive and live a kick-ass life amongst the extra stress, because there's going to be extra stress, it's not going away. You know, the struggles that we have or the challenges we have now versus 11 years ago,  they've obviously evolved, but there's the same theme there, but the way we respond to them is completely different. The way I feel about them, or don't even think about them anymore, it's completely different. So it's really about, you know, owning, taking radical responsibility for your life, and living whatever version of kick-ass life looks like for you.

Danielle Bettmann  43:17  
Love that. Is there anything that we haven't covered that you would love to share as, like, one last piece of advice?

Jamie Scrimgeour  43:25  
Yeah, you know, it just popped into my head a couple of seconds ago. We also have to really have a lot of -  and I'm talking about heterosexual relationships right now, but you know, a little bit of grace for the dad too. Because I think having that education about the complexities of step-family dynamics is really important. And so a lot of steps moms will go to their partner and want to talk about how they're feeling about things and talk about concerns with their step kids and all of the things. And often, the dads will get offended, or they'll feel they're protective of their kids, or whatever the scenario is. I think getting to the place where you can communicate with your partner about your step-family stress, without getting in an argument - I actually have a workshop that says, How to Communicate with Your Partner about Step Family Stress Without Getting in a Big Ass Fight, right? How do you do that? How do you be open and honest without offending them? So really thriving in this, you know, second marriage, because the divorce rate is in I think it's like the 70s now for second marriages when kids are involved. So how do you thrive, right? Like, how do you communicate in a healthy way when you both have different perspectives, but really giving your partner some grace, they're kind of being pulled in so many different ways, and so trying to find that balance there.

Danielle Bettmann  44:42  
Yeah, oh, that's so smart to name that.  I love the way that you name your workshops, because you know exactly who it's for and what you're going to get out of it and when I need it, and so tangible. So please share all of the ways that listeners can connect with your resources, if you have any free resources, and you know where they can find you?

Jamie Scrimgeour  45:05  
Yeah. So we have the membership, so KICK-ASS Stepmom, and we're actually just creating that into its own brand right now, which is really exciting. So it's always been under Jamie Scrimgeour, and now I'm bringing in other experts, other stepfamily coaches, and things like that, so we can have more contributors and different perspectives within the platform. So that's at kickassstepmom.com and so it's a membership where you can get access to all of my workshops, my live coaching. You can listen to the library of, you know, interviews with experts. I bring in lawyers and estate planners, and you can listen in on coaching calls I've had with other members, like, there's so many things in there. I also do one one-on-one coaching for those who really want to dive in. Then my podcast, so it's The KICK-ASS Stepmom podcast. And yeah, there are lots of changes kind of happening over there as we're rebranding and moving things over. So it'll be an exciting six months to kind of see where everything lands. But yeah, this is the place, if you want, if you're like, I don't want to feel this way anymore, like I'm done feeling this way, and you're ready to take radical responsibility for your life. Instead of, you know, waiting for the ex to change, or waiting for whoever to change, which by the way, is not an effective strategy, this is the place to go.

Danielle Bettmann  46:17  
Yes, oh my gosh, that's so exciting. Congrats on those changes and such a needed space, and amazing resources, and I'm so glad that I can share those with my listeners that can relate. So the last question I ask every guest that comes on is, how are you the mom your kids need?

Jamie Scrimgeour  46:35  
Yeah, so crazy that this is the question. You know, growing up, I didn't have any. I had a kind of complicated childhood where I really didn't have a lot of emotional support, and not a lot of people just saying, like, hey, I see you, I hear you, like, I love you,  just that support no matter what. So for me, that's what I am all about for the kids. You know, I'll say to my stepkids, you know, before they go get a license or they have a big day or whatever, I'll say, you know, even if you fail, even if you totally screw this up, you're still gonna have a great life, as we love you no matter what. Just so, you know, like this actually doesn't really matter. Or just always kind of being there for my daughter, like with the hugs and the I love yous and the no matter what, so just being that kind of emotional support in the background is, you know, what we really, really focus on in our home, Darren and I. So I didn't have that, but it's always been really important to me to show the kids that we love them no matter what happens. We're always here.

Danielle Bettmann  47:35  
Yeah, yeah. So needed, and they're lucky to have you. And that level of intentionality, of kind of the what I didn't get, I think can be such a strength and such an asset when you double down on that for the kids in your world and in your house, and you can't, I don't think you can overdo that.

Jamie Scrimgeour  47:52  
No, well, my daughter might be like, okay, yeah, I got it, Mom.

Danielle Bettmann  47:55  
It's enough. I know. I know. Yeah, in the teen years, maybe we can dial it back, and it can look different, but no, that's fantastic. So thanks Jamie, so much for joining us, for all your advice and all your support. We really, really appreciate your time today.

Jamie Scrimgeour  48:10  
Yeah, thanks for having me.

Danielle Bettmann  48:17  
Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of Failing Motherhood, your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now share it in your Instagram stories, and tag me. If you're loving the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed. Leave a review so we can help more moms know they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood on a daily basis. If you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong-willed child and invest in the support you need to make it happen, schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you and I'm cheering you on.