NO REGRETS

One of my kids just received a diagnosis. It was 10 years in the making because school was not seeing any of the symptoms we saw at home until now.

In light of this milestone for our family, I’m sharing a personal reflection of my own parenting. As parenting is often filled with confusion, overwhelm, guilt and regret… here are things I do NOT regret.

IN THIS EPISODE I SHARED:

• A vulnerable audit of my own parenting
• What to do if your child is too young to be diagnosed with ADHD but you think they have it
• Your path to better days with or without a diagnosis

DON'T MISS:

• How to download a PDF guide helping you parent on the same page

// CONNECT WITH DANIELLE //
Website: parentingwholeheartedly.com
IG: @‌parent_wholeheartedly
APPLY: parentingwholeheartedly.com/apply

Transcript

Danielle Bettmann  0:04  
Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood, I mean. Have too much anxiety and not enough patience? Too much yelling, not enough play? There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right, but this is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you, you feel like you're screwing everything up, and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud - this podcast is for you. This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann, and each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real, showing her insecurities, her fears, her failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough, and you're not alone. I hope you pop in earbuds, somehow sneak away, and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend, we're so glad you're here. 

Danielle Bettmann  1:14  
Hey, it's Danielle. Your Positive Discipline Certified Parenting Coach for strong-willed kids ages two to 10, I help defeated parents find validation, support, and proven techniques to parent their strong-willed kids with composure, connection, confidence, and cooperation through a four-month group coaching program based on the Wholehearted framework I've developed over years of working with families one on one. If you've just found the podcast, go to failingmotherhood.com to view a playlist of our most listened-to episodes, as well as where to start if you have a strong-willed child. 

Danielle Bettmann  1:45  
So last week, we received an official diagnosis for one of my kids, and considering our topic in last week's episode, kids are not content. I'm not interested in divulging all of the details, out of respect for their privacy. However, it is a milestone worth reflecting on in my own parenting journey, as it took 10 years to learn this about her officially, and in short, I regret nothing. I do not regret listening to my gut instinct that told me I knew her best, and honoring my belief that something about her was different, I just couldn't put my finger on what it was. Yet, I do not regret the benefit of the doubt that I gave her for years, not fully understanding her behavior, but believing it wasn't manipulative or personal. I do not regret doing the work on myself to offer patience when it would have been much easier not to in as many moments as possible. I do not regret the sacrifice that it has taken to afford a school setting that has year after year, offered accommodations without an IEP in place where she has thrived up until this point. I do not regret going above and beyond, seeking out more and more environmental supports to teach and model emotional literacy from home, learning coping skills, building up their self-esteem, and offering much-needed structure. I do not regret all the times that I dismissed the shoulds for her or myself that didn't feel right, and instead pushed to find strategies and solutions that were specific enough to actually feel right. I do not regret all the times I held her when she was crying or took space from each other when we needed it and bonded together after hard moments. I do not regret the way I sought out ongoing and regular conversations normalizing what I was experiencing inside my programs, both offering and benefiting from the solidarity shared with other parents. I do not regret all the times I offered her and myself grace. I do not regret all the ways I changed my parenting to adjust to her, rather than trying to change her, fix her, or force her to make me feel more comfortable. 

Danielle Bettmann  4:05  
Of course, I am not perfect. There are no perfect parents, and that's not attainable or even a worthy goal. Of course, there were moments when I lost my temper, fear took over my reactions or I had nothing to give. But when I look back, I can see all the moments where I overcame my fears, rewired my instincts, and was able to show up for her in ways I can feel proud of never knowing that a real, legit reason for a lot of this behavior was coming years down the line, and now that we have it, we can feel validated and 10 times more confident advocating for her with teachers to help them see what we have seen all along. 

Danielle Bettmann  4:42  
So if your child is struggling, they are having a hard time not giving you a hard time. If you can relate to the content that I share around strong-willed kids and your child does not have a diagnosis of any neurodivergence yet, you have no way of knowing if there is one coming down the line for them. And really that doesn't even matter. I think it's so powerful to act as if, because it never hurts to offer structure, to offer patience, to offer the benefit of the doubt, because every kid is unique, every kid is different, every kid is on their own path, and we as their parent are here to help them figure themselves out along the way.  I believe it's more damaging to stick to the status quo, even if that is a best effort at gentle parenting 101, when it leaves them believing that they're a bad kid, especially compared to a sibling that gets in trouble all the time, rather than seeking out new and different ways to understand and support them. 

Danielle Bettmann  5:53  
Now in the meantime, while you wait, my goal is to help you establish ways of being with your child that create peace and possibilities regardless of diagnosis, so you're able to have fewer regrets when you look back at these years. Better tools equals better days, period. A recent graduating family posted a Google review in which they wrote, "Highly recommend for any parent struggling with the right parenting strategy for their child. This helps, especially with highly sensitive kids, but I think every parent could benefit." When we started working together, they were experiencing one to three long, terrible, dysregulated, and exhausting meltdowns a day. Now this family has maybe one to two a day, but most of the time they are five minutes or less. There's only one big wish, one per week, but still not the severity or length as when we started working together. When asked what they would share with a parent, considering the program this parent wrote, "This takes all the guesswork out of which parenting books to read, what is the right thing to do, and how to put it all together. Getting on the same page with your partner about a parenting strategy that is good for you and your child is a game changer."

Danielle Bettmann  7:13  
So if you haven't yet watched my free master class, Calm and Confident: How to Master a Kind and Firm Approach to your Stronghold Child Needs, without crushing their spirit or walking on eggshells. Then when you're ready for better tools and better days, apply to learn more. If you've watched the master class and you are still working on getting your partner on board, then send me a DM on Instagram that says SAME PAGE, and then I will send you a link to a PDF guide that's like a 12-page download that helps you format the conversation, be able to bring up answers to their questions and really just share your heart in a way that helps you move forward as a family together. So again, DM me the words SAME PAGE on Instagram, and I will send you that guide. I believe in you and I'm cheering you on.