The Antidote for Shame + Guilt

There is something ALL parenting books are missing. You cannot fake it. There is no substitute. It is transformational.

…and it’s the critical antidote to guilt + shame.

If you’ve tried EVERYTHING under the sun- this might be the reason why you’ve stayed stuck. And it’s more needed than ever before.

IN THIS EPISODE I SHARED:

• What my daughter’s violin teacher did that changed the game for me as a parent
• The real reason why my coaching wasn’t helping families
• Why a healthy sense of skepticism is warranted

DON'T MISS:

• What my clients appreciate most

// MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE //
The Suzuki Method

Al-Anon Family Groups

// CONNECT WITH DANIELLE //
Website: parentingwholeheartedly.com
IG: @‌parent_wholeheartedly
APPLY: parentingwholeheartedly.com/apply

Transcript

Danielle Bettmann  0:04  
Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood I mean. Have too much anxiety and not enough patience? Too much yelling, not enough play? There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right, but this is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you, you feel like you're screwing everything up, and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud. This podcast is for you.

Danielle Bettmann  0:38  
This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann, and each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real, showing her insecurities, her fears, her failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, that you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough, and you're not alone. I hope you pop in earbuds, somehow sneak away, and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend, we're so glad you're here.

Danielle Bettmann  1:14  
Hey, it's Danielle. Your Positive Discipline, Certified Parenting Coach for strong-willed kids ages two to 10, I help defeated parents find validation, support, and proven techniques to parent their strong-willed kids with composure, connection, confidence, and cooperation through a four-month group coaching program based on the Wholehearted Framework I've developed over years of looking with families one on one, and if you've just found the podcast, go to failingmotherhood.com to view a playlist of our most listened to episodes, as well as where to start if you have a strong-willed child. 

Danielle Bettmann  1:44  
Now what I'm going to share with you today is something that all parenting books are missing. No matter how hard you try on your own, you cannot fake it, and there is simply no substitute. It's transformational.

Danielle Bettmann  2:00  
Now, first I'm going to tell you about violin class. So my oldest daughter has been playing violin for a conservatory here locally in town for a couple of years now, and they use what's called the Suzuki method, which is this, like super proven way to work with both parent involvement and a lot of auditory listening of the pieces, so that they develop this really comprehensive understanding of the pieces and of the process of learning the instrument. I can't speak more highly of it. I think it is very, very smart and great, but it asks a lot of the parents and I have not played violin, so for the first year, I was kind of shooting blind, not really knowing how to help from home, especially when it was full of power struggles. They really emphasize that, like parents directly impact and dictate their child's progress, and most of it happens at home, so you need to be following through on your part of the journey. And it's an investment, right?  Thankfully, one month, like after we'd been through it about a year, year and a half, the violin teacher that we use hosted a Zoom class specifically for all the parents of the students in her studio, and all the parents got together in the Zoom class. She kind of went over some of the overall expectations, and kind of clarified a lot of things, and then she allowed for parents to kind of share either questions or things that were working for them at their house. I learned that another parent was having their child practice in the mornings, and my kid is a morning kid, and I was like, that's revolutionary. We started doing that, and it was a game changer. All I needed to hear was this other parent's feedback of what was working for them which I couldn't have gotten from her teacher alone. 

Danielle Bettmann  4:12  
Shortly after that, the teacher suggested kind of this group format. They called it like a performance club, but she talked about just how valuable it was for all of the violin students of all differing abilities to get together for kind of a group lesson, because it brought up the younger learners and made the harder songs a lot easier for them to start to play because of the exposure that they got from being around some of the older, more practiced students, and another valuable thing that these students were exposed to was being able to see how others were being coached and taught without them being the only one in the spotlight, being on the pedestal, and so they were a lot more receptive to being in an observant role while watching the other students, and they could even offer advice which helped them integrate what they were learning even deeper.

Danielle Bettmann  5:16  
Immediately I made a correlation to the family support group that I went through several years ago, that I learned so much from the other people within that support group that was meeting weekly than I ever did from the book content. That was kind of the weekly lesson I needed to hear the personal stories insights and reflections shared by the other members of this group, and it was truly so needed for me at that time in my life.

Danielle Bettmann  5:51  
So this leads me to an email that I got from a parent this week, and they said, "I know what we're doing isn't working. I know we need help, but I don't think a group program is right for us." Initially, when I read this and responded, I validated right off the bat, you are right to feel skeptical at this point in your journey. Likely, no one else in real life seems to get what you are going through when you try to describe what you are experiencing as a parent. Other friends might offer advice well-intentioned and it just falls flat. It is like what you tried years ago. It is things that you have ruled out for a long time, it is just not at all the same. We are not the same.

Danielle Bettmann  6:47  
It is tremendously hard to feel so misunderstood by your support system or even your internet network that you have connected to when no one else seems to get it, and even worse, they seem to dismiss it or make you feel wrong or crazy. Then you feel even more isolated and alone and left to figure this out, and like you have even more reason to beat yourself up. 

Danielle Bettmann  7:20  
There is a very specific reason why I don't work with families one-on-one anymore. I did that for several years in person, before the pandemic and then virtually after the pandemic, after starting the podcast where we worked together for three or four months, one-on-one every other week, and frankly, they stayed stuck. Yes, we were having fantastic conversations. Yes, we were going through really important tools and strategies and problem-solving together, but I realized that they all silently, still felt like they were in shame because they felt like they would still share things like, our kid is just the worst kid we know. This behavior that they did this weekend in public was so mortifying and embarrassing, they would mean things like, we're failing them, or We created a monster, and they would share tremendous guilt of feeling like I know now what to do differently. Why am I not doing it? I know better. Why aren't I doing better and just feeling like I was having the same conversation with all of my clients at a certain point in their journey, and the point of creating some of the digestible pieces of self-paced content was to be able to make that so much easier for everyone to hear the same thing at the same time? And I realized, for efficiency's sake, this is not working. I'm still trying to convince with evidence and proof that I alone have heard these same fears, these things shared by another client, believe me, trust me, and of course, you can't, you can't until you actually have the proof, or you've had this conversation on your own.

Danielle Bettmann  9:21  
So, almost three years ago, I started my group program, the first round, the first cohort, everyone started at the same time, and it was only four parents in the first round that started at the same time, or four families, technically, and they shed so much guilt and shame, they broke free, and they unlocked so much more momentum and progress. I realized the antidote. The antidote for shame and guilt is vulnerability and solidarity. It is something all parenting books are missing. No matter how hard you try, you can't fake it, and there is no substitute. It is transformational.

Danielle Bettmann  10:17  
Vulnerability and solidarity are now what my group program is based upon. It is the foundation. It is the container. It is the environment. It is the safe space that makes everything else make sense and fall into place. It unlocks the growth and the capacity and the open-mindedness and understanding that every parent needs in their process of unlearning and relearning and teaching new ways of dealing with stress, new ways to communicate, new ways to discipline that are so much more effective but you stay stuck when you stay with shame and guilt and isolation and loneliness and beating yourself up and feeling lost and alone.

Danielle Bettmann  11:18  
Now to prove it even more, because again, you have to trust me on this right? Because you're not hearing this from another parent. I will share the word-for-word quotes from parents inside my program when I ask them the answer to this question, what aspect of the program do you appreciate most? And now I'm just going to read their quotes.

Danielle Bettmann  11:42  
Number one, "I appreciate the live calls the most. It is a relief to hear that other parents are going through the same struggles that we are and that they're just as lost as we are. Sometimes, I really enjoy hearing their updates and progress as it reminds me there is light in the middle of all of this, and it is helpful to hear everyone's insight and ideas for troubleshooting these tiny humans."

Danielle Bettmann  12:06  
Second parents answer. Number two, "The validation learning from other parents on the weekly calls that has been the most valuable to me, feeling like I'm not alone. This has decreased some of the embarrassment and shame I feel."

Danielle Bettmann  12:21  
Number three, "The feeling of community in the weekly calls and just getting to see how much so many other parents are having the same challenges as us. Plus, since everyone else's struggles are so relatable, I'm always finding nuggets I can learn from."

Danielle Bettmann  12:40  
Number four, "Solidarity, knowing my kid isn't the only one exhibiting a certain behavior is so helpful. Also, I love hearing how other people overcame certain situations, and it helps me think of scenarios in my parenting journey that I could apply the advice to."

Danielle Bettmann  12:57  
Number five, "Hearing similar stories down to the exact phrasing on how our strong-willed kids can show up, does help create some solidarity we don't have immediate support in our network that deals with this extreme of behavior."

Danielle Bettmann  13:14  
Number six, "Knowing there are other parents in our situation and being able to listen to them and talk with them weekly, also having a social chat group to vent to and get real feedback, other than just a friend's 'oh, I'm so sorry'."

Danielle Bettmann  13:29  
Number seven, "We love hearing the wins, the questions, and the learning from each other on what others are struggling with. We also love being able to ask questions and get advice from other parents."

Danielle Bettmann  13:41  
Number eight, "A sense of community. I feel really supported by them and like I'm not alone in this. There's also no judgment. I don't feel like I have to filter what I say, because they have likely thought the same thing."

Danielle Bettmann  13:57  
Number nine, "I love that the group is filled with a lot of very smart parents in professional careers who are also struggling. It brings comfort to know that I'm not missing something. Or why can't I be smart enough to control my kids?"

Danielle Bettmann  14:13  
Number nine, "Time for inputs from Danielle on our specific problems, learning from the other situations, and finally, being in a group of people who understand life with a child like this, feeling so seen and heard."

Danielle Bettmann  14:28  
Number 10, "Not feeling alone since the first day, we could relate to the majority of problems that everybody was having. To know that you weren't alone is the best feeling, and it gave me a sense of peace."

Danielle Bettmann  14:42  
That is 10 different parents that had the answer to what aspect of the program do you appreciate most? And that is what they shared. You can just hear how empowered they feel just writing that response. Let alone the confidence they have now, parenting in real-time, in real life, changing that fundamental way of being and thinking and communicating and disciplining with their child.

Danielle Bettmann  15:15  
This is why I do what I do in the way that I do, and it still is not for everyone. That is my disclaimer. I live in the state of Nebraska, where the tagline is Nebraska, it's not for everyone.

Danielle Bettmann  15:30  
But truly, Wholeheartedly Calm is not for everyone. There are so many amazing courses, books, and resources in the parenting community online, thank goodness. Honestly, these things did not exist 10 years ago, and we are so blessed. I know how absolutely overwhelming the amount of information and contradictions there are, and I know how hard it is to create a patchwork quilt of tips and tricks and then try to reteach them to your partner who's not hearing them in real-time, not speaking the same language as you, not having all of that mental load to have a foundation to integrate the new information that you're learning into. I know how incredibly difficult it is to try to override the conditioning of how you were parented for years and years and years and years and try to fundamentally shift the course of your subconscious programming. I know how incredibly, almost impossible it feels to have patience for the things that are your deepest triggers when you are faced with a really, really, really challenging child. This is objectively very difficult, so I have found how absolutely critical and like an accelerant it is to pour gasoline on the momentum that you are trying to build when you're in this really small group, Safe Space atmosphere where you can truly feel no judgment, no shame, no added guilt, and instead absolute freedom and hope and possibilities of what's possible for your family because you're seeing it in real-time with other families that get it like nobody else.

Danielle Bettmann  17:31  
That is the power of community. And I feel like right now, in this climate of the end of 2024 I don't know about you, but I am personally desperate for more community, more like-minded individuals that I can truly wrap my arms around and feel supported by. We have such an individualistic society, it is so hard to parent inside. We need each other. We need to not have to reinvent the wheel for every single family and every single kid.

Danielle Bettmann  18:12  
We're already doing something so hard that's making it so impossible. So if that is a craving that you have right now for more community, and you know the power of this through any other experience that you've had in life, maybe a coaching program that you've been in professionally, maybe another area of self-development where you have just absolutely found the power of that group support, I would love for you to challenge yourself to face your fears of what would it look like to have that level of solidarity and vulnerability within your parenting journey. If that has felt like the missing piece for you and you are desperately wanting to surround yourself with more supportive, like-minded parents that just get it and have a kid like yours like nobody in real life does right now. And welcome to the club. We are here for you, and we want to meet you, and we want to bring you into the fold of our small group. And I only take on a maximum of four families per month, so if that's something that you are looking at taking on, I really, really encourage you to reach out, find that master class if you haven't yet - the Calm and Confident- watch it with your partner so they can hear the same language. They can identify themselves as one of those three styles of a parent of a strong-willed child, and then you can truly feel empowered to move forward together with that shared sense of we know what we're doing isn't working, but this could help and have that cautious optimism that I welcome you into. So make that empowered decision by the end of 2024 so that you really do feel hope and support moving into this next season of your parenting life. 

Danielle Bettmann  20:06  
So again, the links for that Calm and Confident Masterclass are in the show notes. Application is linked on the backside of that, and then we will go ahead and meet each other and talk about all the logistics and make sure that working together works for you. I cannot wait to meet you. I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on, I can't wait to help you find the community that you so deserve on the other side of this conversation.

Danielle Bettmann  20:34  
Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Failing Motherhood. Your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now share it in your Instagram stories, and tag me. If you love the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help more moms know they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood daily, and if you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong-willed child and invest in the support you need to make it happen, schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you and I'm cheering you on.