How to Tag In/Out with your Partner with Dignity + Compassion

No couple goes into parenting as a perfectly united front. Every parent runs out of steam, hits a wall, and loses it from time to time. Good parents ask good questions like “How can I help my partner when things are going off the rails without stepping on their toes?”

Before you hop in the car and start parenting extra challenging behaviors in front of extended family this holiday season, have this important conversation with your partner to set you both up for much more success.

IN THIS EPISODE I SHARED:

• The ONE question to ask your partner
• Why you’re actually not failing, and what failing really looks like
• Practical strategies to inspire you to put a new plan in place

DON'T MISS:

• A better story to tell yourself that gives you permission to tag in/out in the first place

// MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE //
Other recommended Failing Motherhood episodes:

Ep. 53 from 11/23/21 - Parenting Around Family

Ep. 61 from 3/8/22 - How to Get on the Same Page

Ep. 123 from 9/26/23 - Good Cop/ Bad Cop: The Broken Record Relationship

Ep. 129 from 11/7/23 - Best BOOKS for Strong-Willed Kids

Ep. 131 from 11/21/23 - Best GIFTS for Strong-Willed Kids (unconventional, practical and long-lasting ideas that are still fun to open!)

Ep. 133 from 12/5/23 - Boundaries with Parents with Jamie Cooper

// CONNECT WITH DANIELLE //
Website: parentingwholeheartedly.com
IG: @‌parent_wholeheartedly
APPLY: parentingwholeheartedly.com/apply

Transcript

Danielle Bettmann  0:04  
Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood, I mean. Have too much anxiety and not enough patience? Too much yelling, not enough play? There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right, but this is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you, you feel like you're screwing everything up, and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud - this podcast is for you. This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann, and each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real, showing her insecurities, her fears, her failures, and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, that you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough, and you're not alone. I hope you pop in earbuds, somehow sneak away, and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend, we're so glad you're here. 

Danielle Bettmann  1:14  
Hey, it's Danielle your Positive Discipline, Certified Parenting Coach for strong-willed kids ages two to 10, I help defeated parents find validation, support and proven techniques to parent their strong-willed kids with composure, connection, confidence, and cooperation during a four-month group coaching program based on the Wholehearted Framework I've developed over years of working with families one on one, and if you've just found the podcast, go to failingmotherhood.com to view a playlist of our most listened to episodes, as well as where to start if you have a strong-willed child. 

Danielle Bettmann  1:45  
Now it is the week of Thanksgiving here in the United States, and I am thankful for you for tuning in. Your kids are so lucky to have you using your tiny windows of capacity, energy, and time to better your insight and strategies as their parent. Now, going into the holiday season, you might find yourself up against more challenging behavior, even worse, on full display in front of your extended family. Now every year I do make a note to remind listeners to go back to previous episodes in years past, from around this season that have episodes on similar themes. 

Danielle Bettmann  2:28  
So back in November of 2021, if you scroll back to like episode 53, there's parenting around family. In 2023 in the fall, there were episodes on boundaries with parents, a toy guide for strong-willed kids, and a book guide for strong-willed kids. So go back and listen to those if you haven't yet, and I will link them in the show notes. 

Danielle Bettmann  2:52  
Now today's topic is based on a question I got in a coaching call not too long ago, and I'm just gonna read their question and then we're going to talk about it. So the question is, "When you're in a situation and the whole family is together, and you see your partner responding in a way where you think, oh, this is spiraling out of control, quickly, you see them getting agitated. What is the best way to interrupt and be a united front? How do you handle this at this moment, trying to communicate this is not going well. Our kid is not going to respond well to this, and it's going to escalate really quickly, but do not want to step on your partner's toes?" It's a great question to be asking because I'm sure that if you are a family who struggles with this, I hope you know you are not alone. This is extremely common, and I'm sure that in the past, you have tried to deal with this in a variety of ways that haven't been widely helpful, and it is a skill. So there is no perfect formula of A plus B equals C that's going to work for every single family, but our default human instinct is to be defensive and interpret any criticism as a me versus you argument when really it's us versus the problem. So I do think however you handle it at the moment, one of the most critical components to have more success in this area of parenting as a partnership, if you do have a spouse or partner or CO parent is having a sidebar conversation outside of an emotional moment, or a parenting discipline moment, where you can talk about the elephant in the room, and you can be very clear and upfront to say the problem is not you. The problem is not me. The problem is we don't know how to handle these moments in the same way, at the same time. We don't have the luxury of having ESP or being able to be super provocative or prevent some of these moments from happening in the first place, yet. But if you're one of my clients, and are working on that. You want to be able to clarify expectations and say, 'I don't want to set off your defense mechanism by how I'm trying to help in any one given moment. There are some moments like last night, where I see that you're struggling, and based on how we are trying to parent, I do not want to stop you, but I can see that things are not going productively. I know you don't mean to create a tantrum or meltdown, and you want to be productive. You're not intentionally causing and wanting further emotional escalation. Am I right?' And by clarifying those expectations up front, you are giving your partner the benefit of the doubt. Here you are saying, I know that the train wreck that happened last night was not your intention. I know you want to be a good parent, and I know that you are responding in the best way that you know how at that moment.

Danielle Bettmann  6:41  
So the problem is not that you have bad intentions. The problem is not that you're a bad parent. The problem is as humans and as parents, we all kind of hit a wall at a certain point when we're not in a head space of being able to use our tools or our capacity is already tanked by a lot of other external stress, and so you're coming up short with patience. We all hit that wall, and it is better leadership for us to be able to be self-aware enough in those moments to stop while we're ahead than it is to just barrel through keep going, and deal with the ramifications and the explosion on the other side. So after saying that, you want to be able to pose this question to your partner, 'What's the best way I can show you I support you in the moment?' So that can look in a variety of ways, but it's up to you and your family to decide what that looks like. You want to be able to basically say, 'Hey, I can see that we're kind of at a crossroads here. Let's head this way rather than this way.' Or 'Can I take over and give you permission to take a minute?' That might look like putting a code word or a code phrase in place, or that might look like just establishing the understanding that says, hey, when I come up to you and do this or say this, this is what I mean. And to further clarify, this is what I don't mean, right? I am not judging you. I am not mad at you. I am not thinking I'm a better parent than you. And you know, just really trying to say explicitly what that person might be assuming or thinking. 

Danielle Bettmann  8:45  
So the goal is to assume good intent on both sides, right? If a partner is struggling, losing their patience, not being able to use their best tools, not only are they disappointing themselves in that moment, because they're already likely very hard on themselves, holding themselves to very high expectations and in the moment, knowing like they are having an out of body experience to say, 'What am I doing right now? This is not how I mean to be reacting.' So they're already in that state of mind, and then what's worse is if their partner comes up to them, and then they immediately jump to the conclusion, not only am I disappointing myself, I'm failing my kid and I'm disappointing my partner. They're mad at me as well. It's hard for anybody to come back from that triple whammy in the moment when you're in a very defensive, fight-or-flight state. 

Danielle Bettmann  9:52  
So you want to be able to have this clarity conversation if you're, hopefully listening to this on the way, traveling on a road trip to a holiday, then you have the opportunity to gain that clarity right now. So after you have this conversation, you want to come up with your family's go-to strategy. So I'll give you a couple of examples of what some of my clients have used. One popular code phrase is for there's a partner at the moment parenting, trying to de-escalate or trying to discipline, and then the other parent comes up to them, notices that they're having a hard time, and then they just come up to them and ask, 'Hey, have you checked the mail today?' Or, 'Hey, do you know if we got that package yet?' And then that is the code word for that person parenting and having a hard time to be able to have the permission to say, 'You know what? I don't know. I'll go check,' and then walk away. And then the other parent kind of tags in, takes the reins from there, knowing I have full permission to take over and maybe change the approach, and that other parent has full permission to take a minute, 10 minutes, whatever they need to do, to come back down, take care of themselves, meet their own needs, and then be able to circle back, knowing that they can tap back in if and when they're ready to take it from there. Again, the clarity needed is that is not a moral failing. There is no rule in the parenting rule book that states that whoever starts the moment of de-escalation or discipline has to end the moment. That's not a thing. What is important is to say, it is a better example for me to be able to walk away for us to show solidarity and be a united front than it is to have a full breakdown in front of the kids where we are arguing, undermining each other, actively second-guessing each other, or however negatively that moment can go down. 

Danielle Bettmann  12:20  
So you can use a code phrase like that. Have you checked the mail? Do you want to go check and see if we got that package yet? Because then it kind of saves face in front of the kids who probably aren't paying that much attention to how you're tagging out. But if it saves some dignity in the moment, then that is worth it. But you also can simply just have a check-in phrase like, Hey, you got this. I'm here to help, simple as that, and it will be much more well-received as long as you've had that sidebar conversation before this moment happens again. So then, based on that conversation and using that strategy at the moment, you are now just acting out the agreement or the plan that you created, which is to say, at the moment, when I say that we're going to agree to cut our losses, check out, meet our own needs, and then have an understanding that we will have a follow-up conversation, maybe after bedtime that night, that rehashes together in hindsight and puts our brains together when they're back online to say, how could we have handled that differently? Or how do we want to handle that differently tomorrow, that conversation is going to be much more productive when you're both ready to have it and not at the moment when one partner needs to feel defensive or absolutely burnt out in any one given parenting moment for any strategy to be effective, there's always an acknowledgment needed of the multifaceted contributions that are happening simultaneously at any one given time. It's never just one thing that's happening. There's always a complexity, a nuance, and a layered effect of several things contributing at once. That is why I don't offer super a la carte, one-off suggestions or strategies as courses or PDF guides or things like that. When you only have one piece to the puzzle, you will inevitably fall flat, and then feel worse, because you should have it figured out by now, and then you only struggle more silently in shame and feeling like what's wrong with you. 

Danielle Bettmann  15:13  
I refuse to leave any family I work with high and dry, and in that place, I would much rather continue to problem-solve every piece of the puzzle contributing to those moments. So I'm going to add one more here, and that is to the mindset of the parent that is hitting a wall at the moment and struggles with the guilt of feeling like if they walk away, they're failing or they're failing their child, or they're failing their partner, or they just feel like it's impossible to tag out or tap out. The story you might be telling yourself at the moment is, oh my gosh, this is so embarrassing. If you're parenting around anyone else, I have to stop this, because you're so uncomfortable, I have to fix this now. I can't let them think this behavior is okay. They are now attacking me or my spouse or their sibling, and I need to defend them. It's my job to right this wrong.

Danielle Bettmann  16:24  
Can you see how that story, or just a few of those thoughts, would inevitably add and pour gasoline into the fire that is happening in front of you? It heaps on urgency, it heaps on pressure. It makes it impossible to feel like MacGyver trying to defuse a bomb, and if you don't, everything will explode, and it is all your fault that is not going to set you up for success, that is not going to allow you to tap into any compassion for yourself, let alone your child, in that moment. So no, that is not a healthy story to tell yourself. Those are great intentions. They are steeped in and rooted in good intentions. But if those thoughts end up with you getting sucked into the undertow of the emotional tornado that they are experiencing, then none of those lessons get learned, none of those skills are taught, and none of those goals are achieved. Not only do you lose the plot, but you lose the much-needed connection and credibility you need in your relationship with that child to continue to have the opportunity to teach those lessons and those skills or meet those goals. When you lose it, you dig yourself a deeper hole and heap more weight on your shoulders to get it right the next time, or else, instead of tapping into that understanding and compassion for your behavior and theirs, so consider a new story. 

Danielle Bettmann  18:13  
Tell yourself a few, just one or more of these thoughts, my job right now is not to get sucked into their tornado so that I can help them calm down when they're ready and need me. I should walk away and circle back. I'm in charge of me. My behavior is more important than theirs right now, they are having a hard time not giving me a hard time. I have time. There is time to address this when everyone is more calm, and that will be much more effective than forcing it. Now, this behavior is not who this child is. Just like my worst moments don't define who I am. Again, they're having a hard time not giving me a hard time. Pick just one of those thoughts that feels like it's a balm to the fire raging in your body, and repeat it over and over and over and over, pairing that with some neurological way to calm your body, showing you that you are safe so that you can get out of fight or flight mode, by simply taking deep breaths. And of course, remember that your partner is there to help, not judge. If that feels hard to implement, because you have too many fears, or the behavior is too severe, or if you feel like there is a wedge of resentment and frustration and divide between parenting partners so that it doesn't feel like you can truly, genuinely, authentically offer the benefit of the doubt and feel like there isn't judgment or criticism or micromanaging or second-guessing or undermining in your relationship as parents, or if you're feeling both a little lost as to what to do instead of what you're currently doing, and you're looking for more tools and direction, you know how to find me. Watch together or listen together while you're in the car over this road trip week to the Master Class, Calm and Confident, where in the first 20 minutes, I break down the characteristics of a strong-willed child temperament are, how to know what type out of three of the parents of strong-willed kids you are, and what are the five ways that you, with good intentions, end up backfiring in the ways that you approach and you're the way that you communicate, in the way you discipline and what to do instead, and if it hits home, reach out and apply to work together.

Danielle Bettmann  21:17  
I'm grateful for you. Thankful for you. I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on. You got this. Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of Failing Motherhood. Your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now share it in your Instagram stories, and tag me. If you love the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help more moms know they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood on a daily basis, and if you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong, willed child and invest in the support you need to make it happen. Schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you and I'm cheering you on.