7 Steps to a Successful Holiday with a Strong-Willed Child

The holiday season is upon us filled with changes, anticipation, late nights, unfamiliar meals, sweets, high emotions, extra tasks and stress.

Your strong-willed child will understandably have an even harder time navigating all of this unpredictability, triggers, and lack of routine.

Tune in to hear my 7 steps to a more successful holiday season for the whole family!

 
IN THIS EPISODE I SHARED:

• What to say NO to and why
• Critical mindset shifts that allow you to prevent rather than react
• How to manage the inevitable jealousy and lack of etiquette/appreciation

DON'T MISS:

• Why there’s no right answer on whether you stick to routine or not

// MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE //
Managing Candy + Holiday Sweets with Nicole Cruz, RD

// CONNECT WITH DANIELLE //
Website: parentingwholeheartedly.com
IG: @‌parent_wholeheartedly
APPLY: parentingwholeheartedly.com/apply

Transcript

Danielle Bettmann  0:04  
Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood, I mean. Have too much anxiety and not enough patience? Too much yelling, not enough play? There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right, but this is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you, you feel like you're screwing everything up, and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud - this podcast is for you. This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann, and each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real, showing her insecurities, her fears, her failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, that you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough, and you're not alone. I hope you pop in earbuds, somehow sneak away, and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend, we're so glad you're here. 

Danielle Bettmann  1:14  
Hey, it's Danielle—your Positive Discipline Certified Parenting Coach for strong-willed kids ages two to 10. I help defeated parents find validation, support, and proven techniques to parent their strong-willed kids with composure, connection, confidence, and cooperation through a four-month group coaching program based on the Wholehearted Framework I've developed over years of working with families one one-on-one, and if you just found the podcast, go to failingmotherhood.com to view a playlist of our most listened to episodes, as well as where to start if you have a strong-willed child. 

Danielle Bettmann  1:46  
Now it is December in 2024, the holiday season is upon us. This is a time of a lot of anticipation, some late nights, some unpredictable meals, some high emotions, a lot of plans, extra tasks, and stress, and that's just on us as parents, let alone the impact of all of those things on our kids, riding on our curt tails and feeling everything at even wider extremes. Now, the tips that I share in this episode can apply to extended family get-togethers and neighborhood parties in November and December, but could easily apply just as well to events like their birthdays and friends' birthday parties and more events. 

Danielle Bettmann  2:32  
So, let's start with a quick review of strong-willed kids. What are we doing? Why is this hard? What are we dealing with? Right? Strong-willed kids, as a few reminders, they feel big. They feel the good, really big, and they feel the bad, really big. They don't do anything halfway. The way that they're wired and the traits that they exhibit in their behavior are exacerbated by changes, transitions, and stress. Their sensitive nervous system feeds off of the vibe and energy of others. They have deep needs for control and attention that they find very effective yet often negative ways for those needs to be met, and they constantly work to feel heard and understood. They're often zero to 60 reactions leave you in the wake feeling like you're walking on eggshells, never sure what's going to set them off next, and the best practice gentle parenting approaches seem to backfire, and your best intentions seem to fall short, leaving you defeated, and if we're being honest, exhausted and resentful, especially when siblings are getting the short end of the stick. So if that sounds familiar, you are in the right place. Welcome to the club. Here is your prescription for a better holiday season. And keep in mind, if you need more than just a good holiday season because your every day is more negative than positive, then make sure you go to the show notes and find my free training, Calm and Confident - How to Master the Kind and Firm Approach your strong willed child needs without crushing their spirit or walking on eggshells. 

Danielle Bettmann  4:20  
So you need that for your every day, but this is specific for the holiday season. So we got seven steps to a successful holiday season. Let's start with number one, don't become the victim of your circumstances. Now, yes, this is a particularly busy season. We have a lot going on. We have gifts to buy. We have exciting things planned. We have traditions in place, and it's all supposed to be good. In and of themselves, they're all innocent things, but when they add up, too much of a good thing is a bad thing. So take some of your control back this season. Let me permit you to say no to the things you don't really want to go to, to bring store-bought instead of homemade, to ditch a once-held tradition and start a new one this year instead, because everything about your child's nervous system hinges on yours. Your kids need you and your mental health as intact as possible. The extra gifts that you're trying to run around and get will be forgotten. In a month from now, it will not be played with. That joy will be extremely short-lived, but the energy that they pick up from you of prolonged seasons of stress will stay with them in their little bodies. So take some of your control back. Say no, do less, and feel better. 

Danielle Bettmann  5:57  
Number two, calibrate your expectations. You know your kid. Don't be surprised and blindsided by your kid being your kid, right? They are not going to be on their best behavior just because you put a bow tie on them. That's actually probably going to exacerbate their sensory issues and make it worse, right? So let's calibrate our expectations. They will be triggered. They will be overstimulated. They will be slow to warm up. They will have a hard time not knowing what's going on. They will get jealous of other presents or other kids. You know them best, as their mom or as their parent. It's your job to try to see the road ahead and prepare accordingly. So work to remind yourself of some of those things so that you can calibrate your own expectations. Expect that adversity and set them up for more success. 

Danielle Bettmann  7:08  
Number three, set expectations beforehand. Just a simple here's what's going to happen. Here's what's going on tonight. Here's what's going on this weekend. They need to know. Yes, it seems like they don't listen when you try to tell them, or they're unaware, they barely know right from left and Wednesday from Friday. This is true, but you don't know how much anxiety is there until you abate it by being able to offer control and offering structure and offering the plans of here's what to expect, because that feels empowering. Whether you're seven, 70, or three years old, they need to know. On top of that, not just the itinerary or the outline, but what they can expect and what you are expecting, simple things like a conversation on the way in the car. All right, here's what's going to happen, here's who's going to be there, here's how long we're going to be there. Here's what we're doing, here's what I need to see, here's what I don't want to see, here's what was the problem we had last time. Here's what I can't let happen this time, right? Here's what I want to see from you when this happens. This is how you're going to deal with it, or this is already the rules ahead of time about what we are going to do or what we aren't going to do, what behavior is okay, and what's not okay, that pep talk can save you so much because they're in a much more receptive head space when they are not defensive. You are climbing an uphill battle trying to discipline behavior on the back end, when emotions are flying and they are no longer in a headspace of being teachable, so setting expectations beforehand, even to the point of saying, here's how you will get my attention when you want to tell me something and I'm talking to other adults, setting up that little routine or ritual, getting ahead of things will set you up for so much more success. 

Danielle Bettmann  9:28  
Number four, get ahead of jealousy and perceived selfishness or entitlement, let them know beforehand how they can manage those emotions, that they have permission to feel. Strong-willed kids come off pretty raw and unfiltered sometimes, and they will let you know how they really feel, and that's okay. They're allowed to think someone else's toy they just opened is really cool. That's not actually a problem. How they then manage those emotions when they come up for them can be a problem, can be harmful, but they have permission to feel those emotions, and you have to be a space where they can process those emotions with them. So that might look like saying when you see someone else, your cousins, your friends, opening up something, and you think it's really, really cool, it's okay if that makes you feel a little jealous like you want to take it home and you want to have that toy too. Just let me know. Maybe we can take a picture of it. Maybe we can add it to your upcoming birthday list or Christmas list. That's okay, right? Just being able to let them know they're not bad or wrong and it is normal to have those feelings come up for them, will help them regulate those feelings when inevitably they do come, and let's calibrate your expectations too. That does not make them a bad person. If they struggle with those emotions, they are missing the skills on how to handle them and what to do about them. So teach them. Teach them what you do. If your sister-in-law opens up the thing that you wanted and you got something you didn't want, how are you going to handle that? Can you talk them through what your thoughts are and then what you end up doing and how you say thank you, or, you know, show appreciation anyway? Don't expect a lot of immediate appreciation from your strong-willed child, especially if they're age two to eight, immediately in the moment of present opening, especially if it's presence back to back. That's a roller coaster of dysregulation. There's a lot going on. There's a lot of overstimulation. That's not an excuse for bad behavior. It's an explanation. It gives context. It's better to ahead of time say at the end of opening presents, when you're ready, we're going to take time to go to each person, come up to them, and say thank you to their face. Or you can ask them, "How would you like to show your appreciation for your presents this year? Would you like to tell them thank you in person? Would you like to write them a thank you note? Or would you like to draw them a picture?" You still are insisting on etiquette and them showing that spirit of gratitude and appreciation, and now you're just problem-solving the how in a way that works with them, and the way that they're wired and the way that they respond to the world. So being more flexible with that can help you not really exacerbate your fears of raising an entitled kid, and it can help them feel a lot more successful in the way that they do show the appreciation they do have but are often overrun by other more inflammatory responses in the moment.

Danielle Bettmann  13:13  
Number five, offer some control or purpose or power as outlets for the attention that they need and the energy that they have, allowing them to have some control, even if it is a role that is helpful, that's not necessarily them being the boss, but just them having purpose is really important to be a redirection and a substitute, replacement for kind of guardrails, for what to do instead of other problematic behavior. It's our job to lay those tracks, to keep them in the guardrail so that their runaway train doesn't fly off the tracks. That might look like getting ahead and saying, hey, can you help me finish wrapping this present before we get ready to go? Can you help me read the names and hand out the presents? Can you show grandma the things in your room that you just got, can you take five minutes to get ready while people are getting here in your room by yourself, and then come out and be ready to welcome people? That is much better to set that guardrail, even I tell my clients to intentionally indulge so that they still avoid giving in to boundaries that they set and then give up on and be permissive with. It is better to get ahead of things, so offering guardrails laying the tracks before they get off the tracks to keep them occupied, keep them focused or with purpose before and during transitions or particular hard moments of the day when you know things might get off the rails. 

Danielle Bettmann  15:14  
Number six, try to keep them regulated or not. There's a caveat with this one. We know that there's a big impact on their behavior when they get over tired over hungry or overstimulated. So feel free to take breaks. Feel free to bring safe foods for them, or feed them beforehand, before a dinner party, before a bigger, you know, potluck type meal, have an expectation that the food provided at the event is a tasting menu at best for your child, it is not going to fill them up because that is not the time to insist that they try and fill up on brand new foods they've never tried before. That's probably hard enough at your house as it is. So calibrate your expectations and do what you need to do to keep them regulated. Your job is to keep them regulated. It's not theirs. So that looks like bringing some snack foods, offering some food beforehand, lowering your expectations accordingly, and knowing it's okay to make exceptions to the typical rules and structure and routines that you have the rest of the year. So with sleep, feel free to be unapologetic in sticking to routines that get them the sleep they so desperately need, without feeling bad when you get unsolicited advice that guilts you into abandoning those boundaries because you are being too strict or unfun or hard on them, or, you know, whatever, stick in the mud. I've been there. I've been that parent. I've talked a lot of clients through that guilt. You can be absolutely unapologetic knowing that you are doing what's best for you, your kid and your family, and/or, you can be unapologetic by throwing caution to the wind and letting them stay up and overwriting the typical expectations and making exceptions to the rule beforehand, letting them know, hey, tonight's gonna look different, and knowing you're not setting a precedent that you're going to immediately regret and backslide on all the progress that you've made when that type of an exception is properly and clearly communicated ahead of time, reminding yourself when their behavior inevitably does get affected and is more dysregulated that you will survive. There's an actual reason for it, and things will get back to normal, and you know how to reset. If you don't, you know to find me. But either way, be unapologetic. Just decide beforehand, are we throwing caution to the wind and then hitting reset? Or are we being unapologetically stuck to the routines that are critical for everyone's sanity and mental health, and not caring who has an opinion about it? Pick your lane and do what is best for your family, but know that the regulation piece is huge. Do what you can to take breaks, to offer snacks, and don't worry about that impact, because especially if you can just give a simple explanation ahead of time that says it's a holiday, so our rules look a little different today, rather than pretending that all the rules still apply, and then when your child begs and begs and cries and whines and screams, give in to all the candy, that's not a win for anybody. It's totally fine to, on that day, say it's candy-free for all, and there's more about handling desserts and sweets and things in a Halloween-related episode. So you can go find that one if that is another big issue for you to be able to not have guilt about. So go find that.

Danielle Bettmann  19:37  
Last, number seven. Zoom out and think long-term. Be strategic. Know that short-term quick fix, easy button, get me out of jail free card, type parenting techniques, while in the short term, may get you out of a jam, are likely going to dig you an even deeper hole in the long run. Strong-willed kids in particular, the way that they're wired, the way that they think, the way they see the world, the way that their nervous system is physically wired, their behavior is likely not going to be prevented or salvaged or be thriving when you rely on external threats, bribes, punishments or rewards. So, in this season, you might find yourself desperately threatening to call Santa, threatening to cancel the event, threatening to take toys out from the tree. I am not judging you. We've all been there, and I feel like helplessness as a parent is the biggest trigger that when your back's against the wall, you understandably resort to more desperate measures that you're not proud of. But if you find yourself there more often than not, or more than once or twice a day, and you know it doesn't feel good, and that's not the parent that you feel like you want to be, then value that, value that voice inside your head and that gut instinct that is eating away at you. You may get their attention and a dramatic reaction by threatening to call Santa or telling them they can't go to the event or whatever that is in that desperate moment, but zoom out and think long term if you are trying to parent with more trust, more emotional responsiveness, and literacy than you were raised with. Mutual respect and teamwork in your house close long-term relationships and an open-door communication policy and those things are at the forefront of your long-term goals. Do not throw them to the wind and sacrifice them in the short term, just to get through the day, just to get through the season, just to get through their preschool years, just to get through the elementary school years, that is not the path. 

Danielle Bettmann  22:16  
So zoom out, think long term, and if you can't find yourself avoiding those more desperate measures because you don't have other effective alternatives, you don't know what to do instead that's actually going to work and get their cooperation, then hey, it's a sign that you're ready. You're ready to invest in more tools. You're ready to level up as their parent, and you're ready to stop feeling so desperate and in survival mode. If that's that time for you, there is no better time than this season of like togetherness resetting our values and being able to be introspective in the new year, and having that fresh start as a family, because you can give them the gift of a more patient parent, and that is going to be so much more valuable, generationally valuable, as a gift, rather than whatever annoying light up toy is under the tree.

Danielle Bettmann  23:19  
So those are your seven steps to a more successful holiday season with your strong-willed child and just hope for the best Happy Holidays. I have one more episode this year, then we'll take two weeks off for the season, and then we'll come back on January 7 with our first guest of the new year. I have a lot of amazing episodes planned for the beginning of 2025 so don't go anywhere. I'm so glad you're here. I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on. 

Danielle Bettmann  23:58  
Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of Failing Motherhood, your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now share it in your Instagram stories and tag me. If you love the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help more moms know they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood on a daily basis. If you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong-willed child and invest in the support you need to make it happen, schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on.