It's OK to Walk Away + What to Do When You Can't

We all dread it - the inevitable meltdown of EPIC proportions. It’s survival mode, and no one is immune.

In this episode, I share why I disagree with typical advice (and even Dr. Becky) on how to manage these meltdowns/outbursts, why it’s OK to walk away, and what to do when you can’t.
 

IN THIS EPISODE I SHARED:

• An analogy to help illustrate your responsibility
• Why staying WITH your child might actually backfire
• How to “leave” the room without physically leaving

DON'T MISS:

• Mantras to adopt that speak to your nervous system

// CONNECT WITH DANIELLE //
Website: parentingwholeheartedly.com
IG: @‌parent_wholeheartedly
APPLY: parentingwholeheartedly.com/apply

Transcript

Danielle Bettmann  0:00  
To understand that while your child is out to sea and you want to throw them the life preserver, if you get swept in by the emotion too, then you cannot help them, and not only can you not help them, you're both drowning. 

Danielle Bettmann  0:18  
Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood, I mean. Have too much anxiety and not enough patience? Too much yelling, not enough play? There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right, but this is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you, you feel like you're screwing everything up, and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud - this podcast is for you. This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann, and each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real, showing her insecurities, her fears, her failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough, and you're not alone. I hope you pop in earbuds, somehow sneak away and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend, we're so glad you're here. 

Danielle Bettmann  1:29  
Hey, it's Danielle. Your Positive Discipline Certified Parenting Coach for strong-willed kids ages two to 10. I help defeated parents find validation, support, and proven techniques to parent their strong-willed kids with composure, connection, confidence, and cooperation through a four-month group coaching program based on the Wholehearted Framework I've developed over years of working with families on one, and if you've just found the podcast, go to failingmotherhood.com to view a playlist of where most listened to episodes, as well as where to start if you have a strong-willed child.

Danielle Bettmann  1:58  
Now today's topic is one that really gets me fired up, and this is going to be our last episode for 2024, we're going to take two Tuesdays off for the holidays, and then we'll be back in January with some fantastic guest interviews. But today's topic is one of what to do when things are just off the rails and your child is past that point of no return, and your back's against the wall as a parent, and you feel overwhelmed, overstimulated, helpless, desperate, and then you also feel like you have you're in survival mode. You have very few tools, your capacity is tanked, and you don't know what you're supposed to do. What are you supposed to do?

Danielle Bettmann  2:47  
Now I'm going to start off by addressing what I feel is the most common advice and why I don't recommend it. Now this advice is given by many parenting experts, but maybe most notably by Dr. Becky, and I want to make sure to address right off the bat, I love Dr Becky. Dr Becky is the queen. She is the founder of Good Inside - a podcast and membership, and I highly, highly, highly, highly recommend what she has offered as tools advice, and strategies. Her TED Talks are great, with tons and tons and tons of fantastic advice. I will never say I know more than Dr Becky.  Now her advice is that it's best practice for parents to sit with and stay with their strong-willed child, or she calls them deeply feeling kids in the midst of this giant meltdown. Now the reason that she recommends that is because she doesn't want that child to feel abandoned. She doesn't want that child to feel like they have to earn their parents' presence back and that they're being punished for having big emotions. Kids are entitled and have permission to feel their feelings and to process their emotions, and do need support with that. So she says, don't leave them on their own, isolate them, walk away, because they will feel abandoned in that moment where they really need us the most, and we want to be able to send the message that says, I'm here no matter what kind of thing, right? I agree that parents should work to send the message of I'm here during this height of the bell curve of this emotional meltdown. I can also acknowledge that someone with as wide of an audience as Dr Becky is not going to be able to share parenting advice with the nuance that it deserves in that space because it's just impossible. However, in my work where I work very, very, very closely with very, very, very few families at a time, and we go really deep together for several months at a time. I know their kids, I know their family. I know the ins and outs of what they're struggling with, and I get to know them at a very honest, transparent, vulnerable level. The problem is for the average parent who is coming into these meltdowns with their current capacity their current tool kit and the world's greatest intentions, this approach of staying with their child or feeling like they have to stay with their child is simply too triggering. Most parents don't have the capacity at that moment and aren't equipped to handle these moments out the gate, and the situation becomes almost like a hostage situation where you're with your child in a bunker laced with dynamite, and one or both of you are ready to explode. Parents have to have some regulation in their nervous system to offer regulation in their nervous system to their child's nervous system because the child has zero and they have to be able to borrow some and be able to mimic and vibe off of our vibe, for them to be able to be helped and supported. Forcing yourself to stay with your child in these moments of super high emotion, typically the strongest force wins, as in, if a child is in a very, very, very tumultuous, high pressure, high-intensity emotion moment, they are swept away in an undertow of big emotion, right? They're getting pulled out to see the parent standing on the beach when they force themselves to stay with their child, without reprieve, without break, without meeting their needs, they are standing at the edge of the beach, and the strong intensity of their child's emotion ends up becoming the wave that hits them on the beach. Whatever that word is, the crest of the land. Crest's fallen wave hits the parent and sweeps them out no matter how good their intentions are. Nine times out of 10 will sweep out their knees from under them and make it so that they are swept out to sea too, and now that parent is also drowning in an undertow of emotion, and that looks like resorting to very desperate measures because their nervous system is under attack. They're defending themselves and they are lost at sea, losing their mind, having no control over what comes out of their mouth, and throwing their meltdown or outburst at the same time. So instead of that parent sending the message, because they physically stayed with them, to their child that says, I'm here, you're not too much. I got this. Instead, they end up trying, out of best intentions, to do the right thing, but then they lose it and end up sending the opposite message, which is, that you are too much. This is scary to me. I don't get this. I don't like you. Whatever that message is that the child ends up receiving from that all out, both parties meltdown. 

Danielle Bettmann  8:53  
My argument is, I believe that that's worse. It is better, in my opinion, for a parent to feel like they have permission to step away before they get to that point, for that parent to be able to voice their own needs and to be able to say, narrating with the last little bit of impulse control they have and control over their own impulses, to say, I'm here for you. When you're ready. I'm going to go down and get myself a drink of water, or I'm going to go take a minute to myself, and I will be back to check on you. And then they actually check in with themselves. Instead of racking their brain of, what this child needs, what do I need to do for them? What is going to help them calm down? Instead, turn the tables and look inward and say, what do I need right now and actually get that need met?

Danielle Bettmann  9:56  
To be fair, some kids really do feel very reassured with the presence of their parent, but honestly, some other kids feel suffocated by it in these moments, and that can make it worse, because it's ongoing stimulation and ongoing audience, and its breathing oxygen into a raging fire. So I know for me, sometimes when I feel very anxious, very sad or mad, I only feel better and can actually deal with some of those emotions when I'm not fixating on who's watching me, what they're thinking about me, and I can feel the permission to step away and actually deal with what's going on with me, and I feel safer when I'm not claustrophobically stuck around other people, and I feel like everything's okay when it's quiet and that's just me. But if someone, if my husband, felt like the only way to love me was to stay in the same room with me and just kind of awkwardly stare at me while I cried, I would not only feel very uncomfortable, but I would also not really feel loved by that right? So just because someone very highly regarded said that this is the right thing to do, and I know as parents, we are so desperate to do the right thing, if you're listening to a parenting podcast, and I commend you for that. However, true confidence doesn't come from doing the right thing every time, true confidence as a parent comes from being able to reckon with the why behind some of the best practices and principles. Test the theories, run experiments, have support with the troubleshooting and tweaking and individualizing, and then be able to feel like you have not only a full kind of manual of playbook of options when you get under fire of several different things that you can do that would all be acceptable in those moments, so you feel like you can be adaptable, and your back's not against the wall. But then you also feel permission to be in that improv state and make exceptions to the rule and be able to understand when you hold to someone else's advice and when it's okay not to and why for your family or your child, that's actually the right thing to do, right? 

Danielle Bettmann  12:29  
So we can't assume the thoughts of every child in the midst of a meltdown and decide what we know is best for them and deliberately override their wishes when they are saying, go away. Sometimes it is best for both parties to give space, even if it's just for a few seconds or a few minutes because it can actually help expedite getting to the other side by being able to take some of the oxygen out of the fire. When we take the wind out of the sails in the moment, without ongoing interaction sometimes we can circle back very quickly, and instead of blowing oxygen into that raging fire, the fire is now dwindling, and a lot more of our tools and their tools are back online, and we can circle back to the conversation we were having before the big meltdown outburst. 

Danielle Bettmann  13:23  
So all that being said, I do want to speak to again, the level of continued nuance and complexity there is to this, because it's not even a black and white formula in parenting, and that's why, in my opinion, making parenting content is so hard, because I never want anyone to feel like it's just this easy, simple formula, and if it's not working for you, you're doing it wrong. There's so much more to it. Every time you get advice or strategy, it's got to file onto a solid foundation of things that set you up for success, for it to actually work and be a part of your toolkit. What I hope is that this episode is more of a permission slip to be flexible and to second guess and to rethink things than to feel like you have it all figured out now, but I will mention the inevitable question of, well, what about when they cling on to you or chase after you, and when you're trying to address them with the world's best scripts, and you're trying to be as kind and gentle as the best gentle parenting parent, and it just feels like it not only goes on deaf ears, but it's making it worse. You in these moments are so depleted, so defeated as a parent, right? It really, truly feels like toxic emotional abuse in some of these moments when your child is yelling, Go away at you, and then at the same time, clinging onto your leg or wanting to almost beat you up, but then going absolutely anxious and shrill when you would say you're going to leave. And that is the reality, and I want to validate that. And you're not alone. There are many times that it's darned if you do, darned if you don't, and you feel trapped and your best intentions and all the effort is not working. And there's a piece that it feels very impossible in these situations, and that is why you want these moments to be the exception to the rule, not your every day, two to three times a day because that's just not at where you have influence. These are survival mode moments. These are not the end all be all influential moments that are going to get you out of this jam for good. These moments are going to be a short-term fix that continues day after day after day. It's not going to make it any different. No matter how you react in these moments, that is going to change how things go tomorrow, which is, again, why it feels so defeating to be in that Groundhog Day, in these moments. So when you're really triggered inevitably, and you feel like you're claustrophobic and your back's against the wall and you can't you don't have the option of walking away, because you can't seem to get away. You're pulled you're almost about to be pulled into this emotional Undertow, and the wave is cresting at the beach, right? Here's what I'll recommend. One option might be, if they are in a room, like their bedroom with a door, just sit in front of the door, sitting in front of the door inside the room, still putting your back to the door, making it clear, I am not leaving. I am here with you, but for your own mental and emotional stability and sanity, focusing inward, not trying to continue to offer coping strategies and logic and reasoning and explanation and reassurance and racking your mental load for what you can do for your child instead being physically present if you have to be, because otherwise, you know things just absolutely will skyrocket out of control, and there will be, you know, destruction if you do, then stay in the room physically, but like emotionally, leave as in, go so within yourself, that you turn inward, that you continue to ask yourself different questions, taking an audit of your body and your thoughts. What do I need? And getting really strategic, and then, usually starting with, I need to calm my own nervous system down so that I have something to offer my child if and when, of course, when, inevitably, they do start to be open to my help. 

Danielle Bettmann  18:05  
Typically, the best case scenario is going to be taking some deep breaths yourself, not asking them to join you, not telling them to take their own deep breaths, but you take some really obvious, animated deep breaths, not trying to trigger your child. They're in their own world. You're in your own world. In for four, hold for four. Out for four, hold for four. That box breath is just enough intentionality that it actually makes a difference and it shows your body that you are not an active threat. You are safe. You can handle this, and you may need to do that for several minutes before you're able to do anything else. That is what takes your defense mechanism from being in a fight or flight state to being able to tap in and have the other parts of your brain back online that are strategic and think more clearly, and then after and paired with that breath, you're going to want to find a mantra. It's top-down, bottom-up. Bottom up is your body's response, and top down is your brain's response. And you're trying to then have them both work together so that you're breathing for your body, and you're thinking of a mantra for your brain, and that mantra might be, I am safe. They are little. I can handle this. I can do anything for five minutes. They're having a hard time not giving me a hard time. Whatever feels like a balm to you. You need to repeat that over and over and over and over, and you're going to want to kind of clock out and ignore what's happening in the room. 

Danielle Bettmann  19:59  
So as long as they are not actively destroying property or throwing their head against a wall, you're just going to kind of even close your eyes if you need to tune in to your own body, and that is you trying to stay on the beach. You have to make an active effort to understand that while your child is out to sea and you want to throw them the life preserver, if you get swept in by the emotion too, then you cannot help them. And not only can you not help them, you're both drowning. So in order for you to be able to throw them a life preserver, sometimes you might have to wait another one or two minutes before throwing it out there, so that you stabilize your own place on the beach, and you are able to kind of dig your heels in, or get reinforcements and kind of lock yourself down. You have to ultimately be the stronger force, because otherwise, if you're calm and your resilience and your ability to cope in those moments, if it is not reinforced and stronger, then you will succumb to the stronger force, which is your child's emotion. So know that it is a battle, and know that winning looks like choosing to sometimes remind yourself, I can take another minute they will not die or go undergo irrevocable trauma if I walk away for a second to solidify my place on the beach before I then throw them a life preserver, and they're going to be maybe even more apt to grab it and then I can be strong enough to pull them into the shore. But without that, if you're too not calculated, and you just run into the water and you try to throw it, you're going to go right out to sea with them. And that is worse. That is what losing in that moment looks like. So often we talk about winning and losing, and you know, I don't want them to win, I don't want them to think this is okay. I'm setting a precedent. And all the fears that garbage up your mental load in that moment as well, clear that garbage out. What winning looks like is staying on the beach, by the means necessary that allow you to do that, and that means that you have the permission to take another minute, or to walk away, if possible, to meet your own need, to then be able to meet your child's needs. So then when you do circle back and ask them, Are you ready for my help? I have a hug waiting for you. Can I have a hug? Some type of intro, or if you're staying in the room and you just start to see them come down a little bit, you see a little bit of light back in their eyes. They go from screaming to crying or crying to blowing their nose, rubbing their eyes, and then that's you in. That's when they need you the most. That's when the door is open and they're ready to grab that life preserver and let you help them pull them to shore. And that is when they go from their alter ego state back down into being your kid again, and a lot more tools are back online, and then you're back to the drawing board, and you're back to being able to be like, Okay, where were we? What can I do? How can I help? What do you need? Typically, I teach my clients a few more strategies within this bell curve where they're kind of naming the alter ego state, they're being able to have five steps to calm on the back end of this that they would deploy at this point, and four other kinds of main messages that they send other than I'm here, there's a message to before the height, as it's coming up at the top of the height and then on the way down, and maybe I'll share those at the podcast eventually as well.

Danielle Bettmann  21:31  
I hope that that's enough to at least just allow you to feel like you can breathe. I hope that this beach waves analogy is clear, clearly articulated enough that it helps you be able to maybe tap into this, and it goes off as a new light bulb in your head when you are in these worst-case scenario moments that no parent likes to be in, every parent ends up finding themselves in one, and you are not a bad or wrong parent. If you do, and your child is not a bad or wrong kid, either they are. You are good inside. They are good inside, just like Dr. Becky says, and it's okay to walk away as we take a break over the next two weeks, over the holidays. 

Danielle Bettmann  24:47  
If you have not yet, why don't you go to failingmotherhead.com view our playlist of most listened-to episodes, and find another one that is going to resonate with you, with your strong-willed child and or go ahead and dive into my free master class called Calm and Confident, How to Master the Kind and Firm Approach your strong, willed child needs without crushing their spirit or walking on eggshells. If you are driving hit play on that like it's a podcast episode that you can both listen to with your partner in the car. That is the best way to use your time. I know no parent has all the time in the world to just be able to dive into content with their partner, but that is what's going to really help you have a new united front and a similar vocabulary of being able to trudge forward together as a team, and that is what that is there for you to be able to do. So go dive into that and good luck. Happy holidays. I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on.

Danielle Bettmann  25:49  
 I'm so glad you're here. Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of Failing Motherhood. Your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now share it in your Instagram stories and tag me. If you love the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help more moms know they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood on a daily basis. If you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong-willed child and invest in the support you need to make it happen, schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you and I'm cheering you on.