90% less Tantrums in 3 Months with Heather + David

Heather and David, parents from the Midwest, take us along in their journey of parenting their strong-willed five-year-old daughter. 

Just a few months ago, they were drowning; overwhelmed by her tantrums, feeling like parenting was heartbreaking, stressful, and defeating more days than not.

NOW, they are parenting with hope, optimism and confidence, let alone 90% less tantrums overall!

Tune in to hear the things that were hard to admit, why they believe they benefitted so much from this work, and the nuggets and takeaways they want every listener to learn alongside them.

IN THIS EPISODE, WE COVERED...

• The moment Heather knew they needed help
• How David began to relate to his daughter in new ways
• The mindset shifts that led to a quick turnaround

DON'T MISS-

• The challenges of being in a field like Heather's (speech language pathology in an elementary school) where you *SHOULD* know how to do this & struggle at home with your own child

I believe in you + I'm cheering you on.
Come say hi!  I'm @parent_wholeheartedly on Insta.
Apply to work together: parentingwholeheartedly.com/Apply

Transcript

Heather  0:00  
So I feel like I've gotten better at knowing what to do in the midst of an explosion, whereas before I'm lost, she's lost. We're all just lost in this awfulness together. Now, I can predict when they're coming, but number two, when we're in the thick of it, I know what I need to do. I know what I need to help her to do, and I feel more empowered through a tantrum versus fear of, what's this going to turn into, or who's going to see this, or what's she going to do. So I definitely feel more empowered of being able to know what to do in the midst of a big explosion or a tantrum.

Danielle Bettmann  0:32  
Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood, I mean. Have too much anxiety, not enough patience? Too much yelling, not enough play? There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right, but this is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you, you feel like you're screwing everything up, and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud - this podcast is for you. 

Danielle Bettmann  1:11  
This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann, and each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real, sharing her insecurities, her fears, her failures, and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, that you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough, and you're not alone. I hope you pop in earbuds, somehow sneak away, and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend, we're so glad you're here.

Danielle Bettmann  1:51  
Hey, it's Danielle. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening to Failing Motherhood. I am so excited for you to hear today's interview. It is with Heather and David, two parents out of the Midwest with two young girls. One is five, one is three, and they're just ready to open up their doors and let you see behind the scenes what it has really felt like to parent their strong-willed five-year-old over the last few years and the changes they've made while working together over the last three months that have truly unlocked so much hope, so much connection, so much confidence within their parenting. So I'm just going to take them through their journey and their story, and you can hear firsthand not just the huge gems and takeaways that they are graciously dropping in this episode and sharing with you so that you can learn for free the things that have transformed their home, but also the relatable anecdotes of honesty and vulnerability that brought them to the place of investing in the first place and helping you understand if you could benefit and if you're ready for more support, and what it would look like to be able to not only learn what you're been missing this whole time, but unlock better understanding of what your stronghold child is going through, and being able to break through the tantrums, so that you truly go from like they say in this episode, eight to 10 a week to only one to two, and having that relationship with those tantrums look entirely different, and parenting going from something that you absolutely dread to truly feeling equipped and almost encouraged by how many tools are in your toolkit that you're ready and believe in yourself to keep going back and handling things in more and better ways going forward, unlocking a new way of being completely, truly. So listen to this one all the way through, because it continues to build on the perspective that they're sharing and the drive-home tips that they offer through this episode. Towards the end, we continue to just dive deeper and deeper and deeper. If you haven't yet, the main takeaway they recommend is diving into the Calm and Confident Master Class with your partner. That is how they got started and started the conversation at their house. If you haven't yet go to parentingwholeheartedly.com/confident, and that is how you master the kind and firm approach your strong, willed child needs without crushing their spirit or walking on eggshells. Start there, and your story could be mirrored and even better than Heather and David's, let's dive in.

Danielle Bettmann 5:04  
Welcome to Failing Motherhood. My name is Danielle Bettmann, and on today's episode, I am joined by previous clients, Heather and David. Thank you guys so much for being here. It is like a huge amount of gratitude that I have for you for your willingness to be put on the spot and be able to kind of share in an honest way what your experience has been and where you have been as a parent, but it is your vulnerability and like dedication and persistence that has made all the changes in your house possible. So I just want to give you all the kudos and all the credit, and I'm so excited that you're here today. Thank you for being here. 

Heather  5:40  
Yes, we're excited to be here. 

David  5:42  
Yeah, thank you for having us. 

Danielle Bettmann  5:43  
Of course, I truly appreciate it. It's never without technology issues. I mean, it is really a lot of your goodwill that brings us here. I know that I get a lot of feedback from listeners when they hear these episodes because it's very rare that we get a real behind-the-scenes look at somebody else's house and someone else's parenting, especially both parents, kind of reflecting together. It's truly, really rare. So you guys were one of those families that put your all into our time together, and it really made a difference. And I'm just so proud of you. You should be so proud of yourselves. But anyway, let's get into it and kind of introduce yourselves to my listeners. So who's in your family? You can go ahead and start there. 

Heather  5:43  
I'll get started here. So David and I, are the mom and dad, and we have two little girls, one is three and one is five and a half. 

Danielle Bettmann  6:38  
Perfect. And where are they at kind of like daycare versus school? What settings? 

Heather  6:44  
Yeah. So our three-year-old is still at daycare. She just turned three in November, so she'll be in preschool starting next year, and then our five-and-a-half-year-old is in elementary school. She's in kindergarten. 

Danielle Bettmann  6:56  
Fantastic. And what do you guys do professionally? 

Heather  6:59  
So I'm a speech-language pathologist in the elementary schools here, where we live.

David  7:05  
I work in insurance, almost like a process improvement coach or a consultant. 

Danielle Bettmann  7:11  
Perfect, okay, so just the family next door, right? 

Heather  7:15  
Pretty much. Nothing special to us. 

Danielle Bettmann  7:17  
Yeah, yeah. And how did you end up finding me? 

Heather  7:21  
So I started listening to your podcast, Failing Motherhood, and it wasn't maybe two or three episodes in, I was like, okay, I'm gonna listen to the Master Class. And then once I listened to the Master Class, it was like, game over. David, you need to listen to this, and we are doing this.

Danielle Bettmann  7:38  
Yeah, it was just that simple, I'm sure. 

Heather  7:40  
Yeah, absolutely. A little convincing on his part. But I didn't need any convincing. I was like, we got this. We need to do this. We are at that point. 

Danielle Bettmann  7:48  
I'll keep putting you on the spot for a second. Heather, what led you to that place that when you heard those things, you were like, we have to do this. Because that's not a night and day. A lot is leading up to that. So what did that look like for you? 

Heather  8:02  
Well, I mean, if you backtrack from the beginning, you know, our five-and-a-half-year-old was just born strong-willed. We knew within moments that she was a feisty one. Fast forward, she's six months old. She's in daycare, and her daycare provider, or like the teacher in her room, the infant room told us at a parent-teacher conference that she was the most strong-willed six-month-old she's ever met, and she retired two years later. So she had like, 25 years of experience and the most strong-willed six-and-a-half or six-month-old she's ever met. So we knew we had our hands full. And it never really stopped there. It just continued. You know, we kept hearing, oh, she'll grow out of it. Oh, that's developmentally appropriate. Oh, you know, you don't want to put out her fire. She's going to, you know, grow up and be and, you know, just be the best thing ever. And so it was like we knew that. We didn't really know how to curb her ways, the way she was. We loved it, but it was very challenging as parents, and the older she got, the more verbal she got, the more opinionated she got, the more defiant she got, and the more disrespectful she got. So it was kind of like, okay, she's not growing out of it. She's growing into it. It's getting worse. And at school, I work with elementary kids all the time. I work with behaviors all the time. My particular building has a behavior process/behavior program in it for special education and so I'm working with kids with problems, all you know, behavior problems all the time. And everything I knew, everything I learned in school, it just wasn't working. So that's when I was like, okay, something's got to give we read a lot of parenting books. I took a course in strategic parenting, and those types of things. Once I heard this Failing Motherhood podcast, I was like, oh, she's watching me. How does she know what I'm dealing with? How does she know what our child is doing right now? She's never met us, and she just described her perfectly.

Heather  9:55  
And then that Master Class just solidified my decision that this is an investment, not only for me, but for my husband and as a married couple, and for our family unit as a whole. 

Danielle Bettmann  10:10  
Yeah, did you have any skepticism that you've tried everything? How can there possibly be anything you haven't tried yet?

Heather  10:18  
Absolutely, 100% you know, a lot of what I've tried is things like that's how you were raised, and you've tried all that, and you're hearing it in one ear from your parents, you know, saying you need to do this. They need more discipline. You're just not disciplining hard enough, or, well, you're being too strict. You know, you need to lighten up on that, and she wouldn't be so hard on you. And it's like, what I'm just getting back and forth from, you know, what I'm being told, and different ends of the spectrum there. So, yeah, it was kind of like we've tried everything, so somehow, something's gotta work. It seems like Danielle knows what she's talking about. It seems like this is working for other clients. It seems like she could help our family. So your approach was different than anything we have been hearing.

Danielle Bettmann  11:03  
Good, yeah, which is really hope-giving when you're feeling so defeated.

Heather  11:09  
 You had a futuristic mentality even, of like when your children are in teenagers, or they're young adults like you are raising them right now to become those people, and how you're raising them right now, is that the parent you still want to be when they're 17, and the dynamics we have of the yelling and the arguing and the disciplining like that's not going to work when they're 15, 16. They can just cut out and leave so fearful of the future if our parenting doesn't change. 

Danielle Bettmann  11:39  
Yeah, yeah. Know that encapsulates a lot. David, it is your side of kind of that lead-up. What did parenting feel like to you and what concerns kind of led you to the same path as Heather? 

David  11:52  
It was stressful and challenging. They're still rewarding too. So don't want to make it sound like it's just absolutely awful, but again, very challenging and stressful, and I know we were seeing a lot of tantrums, and it just felt like this wasn't the way it should be. I mean, we know they're kids and it's not going to always be easy, but it just felt like something had to give.

Danielle Bettmann  12:15  
That's just hard because you don't know what that is, and you go through so many iterations of kind of guesswork, or just crossing your fingers and hoping they age out of it, or hoping there's like something that ends up sticking, or the consistency will just one-day kind of pay off. So what were some of those hypothesis-type things that you had tried or kind of gone down that road, and then just found came up short? 

Heather  12:43  
Yeah, I would say, and David, you can chime in too. You know, my family was very authoritarian, the one where it's very strict, where it's very you will listen to me. You will do what I say when I say, do it. And so that was kind of what we tried. I mean, I think that's kind of how David was too. Like we are your parents. You will listen to us. You don't argue. You do what we say. That was not working with her. She wanted to be in charge. She felt like she didn't have to listen to us, you know, just kind of like the lack of respect. And it just kept getting worse. It wasn't getting better. We weren't gaining momentum in the right direction. It was just it was turning into yelling, and it was turning into power struggles. It was turning into a discipline that I was uncomfortable with. And then on the flip side of that, it was, you know, the other end of the spectrum. It was like we were trying to be more permissive and trying to pick our battles, but then we were confused about what battle was worth picking then because we could literally pick every single battle because there was one about every minute. But I feel like we tried, like, both ends of the spectrum, or the pendulum, if you will, of being super strict parents, that's not working, and then really lenient, very passive, very just kind of letting her do her thing, and that wasn't working either. 

David  14:00  
Yeah, I would just echo that of just when you think of just that traditional discipline, like a lot of us were raised with, like, rewards or punishment, so we definitely tried that. And then again, it probably sounds like we're all over the place, but back to like Heather said, we're both harmony people. So sometimes, despite that, it just seems like if you give maybe one more opportunity, they'll listen, and it'll avoid a meltdown. So we were, yeah, lack of better wording, but we were just kind of all over the place. 

Danielle Bettmann  14:30  
Yeah, no, and that's hard to admit, but that's exactly where a lot of families find themselves. So it is validating for them to hear but it's not just them, and you know they might not be wrong or bad parents for all of the really, really good intentions that lead you down all of those paths because you're just being responsive to the feedback you're getting. You're understanding when not to double down on something that clearly isn't working. And it makes sense in every other area of life that you problem solve in a strategic way, where you pivot, and with new information, you make new decisions. So with parenting, that should be kind of an ongoing evolution, because you're always parenting a new kid at a new age, right? And with like, new circumstances and triggers, and, you know, a new sibling, and all of that stuff. So it makes sense that it doesn't always feel like you have this, like grounded understanding that you're always kind of functioning from. So that is relatable, that makes sense on a circumstantial level, and it also is paired with, typically, that gut feeling where it's like, yes, as normal as this is, I don't like it, and it's, there's gotta be a different way, right?  That's what ends up getting you to that place where you're Googling late at night, saying, what else am I missing here?

Heather  15:00  
It was you. You were what we were missing.

Danielle Bettmann  15:22  
I'm so glad that that was meant to be at the time that it was. But many families you know, struggle for months, if not years, of feeling like they're failing. Was there ever a particular moment where that feeling really resonated with you, like we are failing, or I am failing at parenting, motherhood, or fatherhood?

Heather  16:28  
You know, I know, particularly that moment that it happened to me. It was a weekend that David had gone out of town, and I cannot recall where he went, but he had gone out of town, and I was home with the girls by myself, and they were testing me left and right, left and right. So I had it up to here, I was done. And so I snapped. And, you know, extreme discipline, you know, the spanking, the timeouts, the ridiculing, even like the person I didn't want to be was coming out, the mom I didn't want to see, the mom I was fearful of, was out in all its raw form, and it was maybe that next week is when I started listening to your podcast. And so that was kind of like a God gift to us, of okay, I am struggling unimaginably, like this is a problem in my life. I need help fixing my parenting. And I know, in my mind my child needs help too, but I'm the best one to help her. So I need to learn how to best help her and I know her emotions feed off my emotions. So when I am elevated, she would become elevated, and it was just this endless cycle, which I know you also kind of talk about that stress cycle that just keeps on growing. So that was kind of the telltale sign for me where, like, I am officially feeling motherhood. Somehow, your podcast came into play. I can't recall the exact episode that I was listening to, but there was a mention of the Master Class. I was like, well, not yet. And then I went and listened to another episode, and I was like, okay, this podcast is talking directly to me and my failing motherhood right now, so I'll consider the Master Class. It's free. Why not? So then I did it, and then I was like, Hey, David, I think I listened to the Master Class twice, actually trying to just get as much information as I could for the why I'm really into the why is this happening if I can figure out the why, I can solve the problem. What we learned is the backing of the way, if you will, and problem-solving. I mean, it was perfect.

Danielle Bettmann  18:37  
And I'll ask you one more drilling down question on that, as a professional in the education system, did you feel any more frustration or higher expectations of yourself or guilt for struggling at home when this is something professional? 

Heather  18:58  
Yes, absolutely. I felt like, I knew how to do this at work, great, and it works wonderfully. I can get kids to listen. I can. It was just like, why is it not happening at home? What am I doing differently at home, that I'm not that I'm doing at work, that I'm not doing at home, and then the expectation of, you know, my daughter's going into kindergarten this school year, and she's going to the school district that I work in, not in the school that I work in, but in the school district that I work in, and those expectations of, if she's struggling at school, what is her teacher going to think of me as a staff member, you know? Now I'm going to have extra judgment from the teachers of, well, Heather must be a bad you know, I must be a bad mom, or she doesn't know what she's doing, or, you know, that kind of judgment I was fearful of getting from the staff that I work with, not again at my school, but but in the district. So I was, yeah, definitely anxious and worried about that. Like, I must not have it together, if I can't get it together at home, was a fear that I have and still do. I mean, I don't know if that ever goes away. You're always kind of self-conscious of what your co-workers think of you and your parenting abilities, but yeah, working in the elementary school where it's like, you do this as a profession, why is it not working at home that was always in the back of my mind like haunting me.

Danielle Bettmann  20:14  
Thank you for naming that. I do hear that a lot and it's almost like a complete double-edged sword, because what should equip you actually like really hurts you with that imposter syndrome and the self-consciousness and insecurities that come from that place I hate that. So for you, David, did you ever relate to that feeling of failing, or what were the hardest parts of parenting your oldest for you, particularly in the way that you're wired, or the way that your personality kind of, you know, meets her?

David  20:49  
So I never really had an aha moment like Heather. But I think it was just a slow progression that it just continued to be getting worse and worse and worse, where you know, at some point, you just think it's going to turn around and get better. And it just continued to get worse. So I didn't have an aha moment, but I think just sometimes what haunts you is the way you were raised or how you reacted. Sometimes it's easy for us to all put too much emphasis on that, and so it did. The struggle for me is just like, why is she not listening, and why the tantrums always on just anything and everything and that would, you know at the time, seem to just be really unpredictable. You know, after taking your class, you get a lot better feeling on being able to predict that and navigate that. But again, at the time, it just seemed like, wait, what? What just happened, like we went from zero to 60, and I don't even know what happened. I think that's a little challenging too. With our oldest, we kind of joke that she's like 99% my wife, just some of her personality. But I say that then just in all sincerity, but then that sometimes maybe I don't understand her always as much or what she's thinking because I think she's so much wired like my wife said, where she's used to that thinking, so sometimes she relates better. But again, for me, I probably just had more of those just zero to 60 where I was just clueless. I'm like, wait, what just happened? And I feel like I'm always pretty easygoing and level and with probably any kid, but especially ours, it's just a roller coaster of emotion. So it was just that unpredictability was a real struggle for me.

Danielle Bettmann 22:31  
Well said, well said. And I know a lot of parents can relate from that place too, of that confusion, really per meeting, because as Heather said, If I understood the why and I really knew the problem, I could solve it, but it feels so all over roller coaster, ambiguous, unpredictable, confusing, like just irrational does not make sense on paper, and that can continue to just eat away at your relationships and your sanity, and, you know, lots of ripple effects for the whole family. But one more question for kind of like your before I met you life, take us through, for those that have not heard the Master Class or maybe new to the concept of a strong-willed kid, take us through a day in the life you know, at your house with your oldest before we met, what was she like? What were the dynamics like? What were the struggles like? 

David  23:29  
Similar to kind of just what I said. It was just unpredictable, and we would get probably at least a daily tantrum, if not multiple. I think too, just a little bit of a tipping point for us to may have also been where, as I said, it just seemed steadily getting worse, but then starting kindergarten is just a big transition as well, like with just no naps to just everything that kindergarten entails, and it's long days because she'll do before and after school care. So it just was again, unpredictable, and it was hard to really ever feel like you could relax or just enjoy life. You felt like you're always kind of walking on pins and needles, just not knowing when she'll erupt. But just to point out on some of that, too, if she's at kindergarten, between before and after school care, that's maybe nine hours a day. So it's not like there is all that much time at home, but then I know that usually, we're trying to do something, either get out the door for school, or when she gets home, going to an activity, or then it's time to go to bed. So there wasn't necessarily a lot of time at home, either to just relax, per se, either. But there was always just something that then seemed like it would increase the likelihood of, like a meltdown, or her getting upset or challenging us, etc. Do you have anything to add to that, Heather?

Heather  24:57  
I'll say, I think before we met you. I think we wrote down that we were tantruming eight to 10 times a week is how often our oldest was throwing a tantrum. It was over the smallest things, it was over everything you can imagine, there were always battles to pick, and even if we didn't pick the battle, it was still a tantrum. I felt like I lost my patience about five to seven times per week, particularly with her, she'd argue about the most minuscule thing she would aggravate on purpose, you know, all these attention-seeking behaviors or boredom behaviors or whatever it might be, we were just really struggling on a daily basis, multiple times a day, with her behaviors just skyrocketing out, and she had no remorse. I mean, she didn't really care if she threw a tantrum in public. She doesn't care what people think about her. You know, her opinions are strong, and there is no changing them. So, yeah, trying to be like, oh, you're embarrassing me. She didn't care. She's not embarrassed. It didn't matter where we were, who we were around, and even when we would go and play with friends and stuff, there would be eruptions there too. So I was like, oh, she's gonna struggle with friends. You know, just a lot of fear for the future was there at the beginning, and not knowing what to do, as you mentioned, it's like, how do I fix it? Everything I'm trying isn't working. Just every single day waking up and almost dreading like, oh, is it going to be today? You know, kind of the dread of, even if it's something she's looking forward to, like, it could be going to the park, it could be going to somewhere fun in the city, and getting out the door might be the tantrum or getting up and getting out of bed and getting dressed and brushing your teeth or just anything. So it was like David said, like walking on eggshells, 24/7 all the time. 

Danielle Bettman 26:50  
That is exactly what it's like. It could be that yesterday, she had a really hard time getting out the door, so you brace yourself, and then the next day it's fine. Then you can have a really good fluke day, but you have no idea why. So when you thought about like you just mentioned, fear for the future, what were some of the things that rose to the surface when laying awake at night, worrying about things 10-15, years down the road? 

Heather  27:24  
For me, personally, it would be like when she's in junior high or high school and she starts being defiant, trying to go against our morals and our values, just to be in control of something, you know, losing that the relationship with a mom or a parent, and just instead of trying to partner with them, you're just trying to break away and just be free of them. That was a big fear for me. And then, like her struggling to make friends, and the more immediate future, her struggling to make friends and even learn. I knew academics weren't a concern. I know she's very bright and intelligent, but I wasn't sure if her behaviors would impact her being in the classroom, and then if she's not in the classroom, she's not learning. So fearful of that, fearful that she's going to intentionally make bad choices to spite us and maybe struggle with stuff, but feel like she can't come to talk to us about it, and know that we have unconditional love no matter what you know, I can say one thing, but my actions might say another to her so really fearful that she of what her teenage years could look like because she kind of already acts like a teenager. It's just gonna get worse from here. 

Danielle Bettmann  28:36  
Well, that's scary, just objectively scary when you think about older kids having higher-risk behaviors, and you can't pick them up and cart them out of the store anymore at that point, right?

Heather  28:47  
And they can just drive away and never see them again. 

Danielle Bettmann  28:51  
Yeah, that's scary to think about, because this is the role that has the most influence in your life, the most serious stakes, and the thing that you also feel like you're failing at. And what could be more important than your relationship with your kid once they move out of your house, when you zoom out and think really long term, I mean, it really puts into perspective the stakes, and that's terrifying. Just if you really, encapsulate what's really going on. There's a lot to create fear. And then, of course, that fear is going to bleed into affecting your parenting decisions and affecting your anxiety and affecting your patience level, and you kind of then continue to have confirmation bias of, oh no, what if she thinks this is okay, or treats us like this, then, you know, conclusion, conclusion, and assumption, conclusion. And now your brain is absolutely panicking about what things are gonna be like down the road. 

Heather  29:55  
Yes, absolutely.

David  29:56  
I'd add to that too. I think that sums up really well too, how I felt, because to your point right now, the older they get, the less influence you have on them. And so I think that's part of even for our journey with this course, with her being in kindergarten, is like, we don't want this to get too far down the road, because again, the older they get, the less influence. And there'll be a certain age, probably especially at least teenage years, or even maybe before that, that again, it'll be too late, like that window of shut, and we felt like that window might be slightly closing as we continued to move on. So, we wanted to definitely do this sooner than than later. 

Danielle Bettmann  30:37  
This is so wise because there's a lot that changes in the kindergarten year, just, you know, on a pragmatic level, circumstantially, but then you really start to notice how to compare them to their peers, or to what you expected of a kiddo at that age and stage. And then it feels like they're behind. It feels like they're immature. It feels like, you know, how are we still dealing with what felt like the three major years right? That is very concerning and often leads you to that place too, which is such a great window. I love working with families between the ages of four and six because they are not too far gone that there are deep, routed habits, in their dynamics and in their expectations of each other, so they can still turn on a dime for outcomes, for better outcomes, but then they're also old enough to be able to have more mature conversations and use more coping strategies. And it's never too late, but definitely the earlier the better. That's what I always say. So let's pivot because all of that is not fun to talk about and hard to admit, but really reassuring for a lot of listeners I know.

So let's, let's pivot into the time that we were working together in the last few months. Now, if I remember correctly, we almost didn't work together, because I think after we met for your initial interview call, you had emailed me saying you hoped to enroll in the future. Love the idea of it, but the cost wasn't going to be something that would allow you to invest at this time. And since finances were the only thing holding you back, we did end up chatting again, and we found a way to adjust some of the live support so that it could make it possible for you guys to jump in, and the rest is history. But let's be honest, it's 2025. Many families really need to be very mindful of where not only their time but also their money is going. I would say that a lot of families that would love the idea of support are gonna be held back, you know, because of that factor. So what would you say to a family that is really relating to your story, feeling like they are suffering silently at home and are holding themselves back due to, you know, cost and investment?

Heather  32:59  
Yeah, yeah, that's a great question. So I also remember that from the beginning, and we had our one-on-one call that kind of changed my husband and I's mind, was the one-on-one call at the beginning. You know, we did have our reservations about the financial commitment of it, but there was, like, a discount, I think, if you paid upfront or in full or something like that. So that was helpful. But also my husband and I had time to chat and really decide, like, what is our priority right now, and he would say what is the ROI and is it worth it? And we were tenfold,  yes. So we know that we are on this earth for a reason. Part of that reason is to be the best parents we can be, and we are not fulfilling that in our lives right now. So we need the help. If we needed help medically, we would go get the help medically. If we needed help financially, we would get the help financially. Well, we need help parenting, so we're going to go get the help with parenting. And so we kind of looked at it as one of the biggest challenges we're facing, but also the biggest purpose in our life. So why wouldn't we invest in that? It is the sole purpose, not the sole purpose, but one of the biggest reasons we are here is to raise children. And so we wanted to do the best that we could with that. And we were like, well, we have an opportunity. We could either pass it up or we could capitalize on it. So we chose to capitalize on it and hoped that raising our children would be better than what we were doing at the time.

Danielle Bettmann  34:33  
Yeah, yeah. Do you feel like it was worth it? 

Heather  34:37  
110% worth it. Yes, every penny was worth it. I would do it again if I had to. I would continue to pay it monthly. It's everything, it was perfect. It was worth it. And I'd do it again, and I'd recommend it to anybody. It is worth the investment for your babies and your children and their future and your future with them is worth it.

Danielle Bettmann  34:58  
No, thank you for speaking that so directly. It is, you know, kind of a taboo topic, right, where we all kind of just like keep that behind closed doors, but I think the more transparent we can be about the why and kind of the rationalization and helping others, you know, see it through that perspective, it can be really just the thing they need to hear to kind of unlock these possibilities for their family. And, you know, we say we would do anything for our kids. We say we would take a bullet for our kids. We say that, you know that their well-being is priceless, and we don't have a choice sometimes when it comes to medical things, and we wouldn't, you know, balk at the opportunity to get them a needed medical procedure if that was going to be what they really needed. But when it comes to, like, working on ourselves, that's a little bit harder to do. Bit harder to justify, right?

Heather  35:44  
Yeah, it is. It is a humbling moment, also

Danielle Bettmann  35:47  
For sure, for sure. But you know, we invest in our future, we invest in our home, we invest in their education, we invest in them in a lot of ways, and this is arguably the most influential way.

Heather  35:59  
Absolutely, and it's going to follow them and us for the rest of our lives. It's not just a one-and-done, right?

Danielle Bettmann  36:05  
Right? If it was just for these, you know, two or three months of your life, there's no way you can justify that, right? It's a short-term investment for the long-term payoff. What did it feel like to be a part of this course, group, class, program, whatever? How would you describe it?

Heather  36:29  
The way I would describe it is, it was very uplifting to know we're not alone. Our child is not the only one on the planet who behaves the way she does, and there are other parents who struggle with the same things we do. So that was super encouraging, super uplifting to know we are not alone, and we are so much not alone that there's actually a parenting coach that can help us. You wouldn't exist if we were alone in this. So that was just very reassuring to know we were with a group of people who understood where we were coming from, understood where our kids were coming from, all of us together, seeking the same goal. We always want, what's best for our children, and we're just struggling with how to do it. So all of us are vulnerable, to admit that and also come to the calls week by week, admit where we did wrong, and ask for help. The vulnerability was very inspirational to see and, you know, the course itself, the workbook, the recordings, and everything was amazing. I love that we can still access them and still go back and listen to them. If I'm struggling with something, I can go back and, you know, refill my cup of I need to do this and I need to stop doing this. But having the support, the ability to have a question answered, like, directly and specifically related to our problem, not just a broad statement, but problem-solving through the intricacies of the issue was even from more than, I mean, from you absolutely, but also for like, from other parents too. Like, they're like, oh yeah, I had that same question. Or, oh, I'm struggling with that too. It's just again, it's reassuring to know that we're not alone. But it was so rewarding and uplifting, I guess, just to get feedback, explicit feedback, on the particular problem we were we were facing, any day or week or whatever. 

David  38:17  
Yeah, I tagged on to it just because it was neat and refreshing. I know you both said reassuring. I'd agree with that, where if you just look at the community itself, it's just again, exactly like a community of individuals and that share similar experiences, viewpoints, and if you stop and pause for a second just in everyday life, discussing parenting challenges can be difficult, and we often just don't do that, but in this community, it does provide a supportive environment where you can openly share your difficulties. You know, not only are you not judged, but you can help between you and the rest of the community in trying to address those ideas. I know Heather said this too, but it is just really comforting to realize you're not alone in facing these children or challenges with your children, because, again, it's just not something, at least for me, that you really openly talk about with people. So that's really focused on the community. And then as far as the course went, I loved the layout of it, it's just really organized, and it flows really well. And for some of this stuff, in the course, there are certain things we had tried, but somehow, when you put it all together with all of the things, it just works well. Because sometimes I know for us, maybe a struggle was we'd try something, but then when it didn't work, we'd just quickly move on instead of sometimes you do have that patch where you try something, it works for a few days. Oftentimes, you may see a little regression for a little while, but then if you stick with it, it will continue to work. So I think there was a lot of great new stuff we learned in the course, but there were a few things again that we had tried and maybe were a little quick to abandon. 

Danielle Bettmann  39:59  
Yeah. This is fair, because how are you supposed to know what things you're either doing wrong entirely, and it's, you know, you problem, or it's not going to work at all for your kid, or it's going to work tomorrow if you stick to it. I mean, like there have been so many things of information from the internet, I'm sure that you've been thrown that it's very hard to know what battles to pick with your kid, and it's hard to know what tools to stick within your parenting. So well said.

Danielle Bettmann  40:38  
Here's the deal, if your child is sensitive and smart yet loses it, is clingy or aggressive with you at home, they can go zero to 60 over the smallest things, like when they just don't get their way, nothing changes their mind and they can't seem to get over it. And you know what you're doing isn't working, and siblings are starting to suffer. You could go to therapy yourself and take your child to therapy follow all the experts ask your family and friends for advice, take a course set up a calm down corner, and read all the parenting books and still feel defeated. It's time. It's time to learn the missing pieces of invaluable insight about their temperament that unlocks compassion in you and an understanding of how to work with the way they're wired. It's time to communicate in new ways, like a hostage negotiator, to get through to them and cultivate cooperation with confidence, and it's time to eliminate the behaviors that are working to gain control and attention at their root, rather than playing Whack a Mole, Calm and Confident, the Master Class is for you. There you will master the kind and firm approach your strong-willed child needs without crushing their spirit or walking on eggshells. In this free training, I share the four critical, kind, and firm scripts that unlock cooperation in every situation, how to eliminate behaviors at their root, and the path to solidifying the open and honest relationship that you want to have with your child down the road. So go to parenting wholeheartedly.com/confident. You to access this exclusive On Demand training immediately. That's parentingwholeheartedly.com/confident that link will be in the show notes.

Danielle Bettmann  42:38  
I'm never going to say that these 12 modules are all going to be brand-new perspectives you've never heard of. You know, even especially if you are in this profession or you've had a lot of parenting tools and support up until now, what would you say is different about the information itself, or how it's laid out, or how you kind of implement it that is different than reading another book or going through something that's kind of like self-paced, but without the support.

Heather  43:10  
I'll say that something that I really appreciated was the respect it gives the child. A lot of parents, I think, don't think they deserve maybe, or just overlook it. They are a child, right? They don't need to be respected. They need to be told what to do. And so I loved that throughout the entire course, it was always respecting the child, understanding the child, trying to get in the child's brain, trying to understand the child, letting the child be the child, and you be the adult, and finding a way that you can change your reactions to help change the child's reactions. And so it's not just like you can do this, this, and this, and that will change your child. No, it's more about, you know, the mantra you're telling yourself, the breaths you're taking to calm yourself down, the recognition of the child's having a hard time, she or he is not giving me a hard time. The main thing that I loved about the course, was that it gave the child the respect they deserve throughout a meltdown, throughout a moment of what you may perceive as disrespect or argumentative so I really love that that's nothing I've ever come across, heard, read, or anyone's ever told me, you know that they deserve this from you when they are acting this way or or not acting this way, you know, whatever it might be. But I also liked just the structure of it, the way that it built upon, kind of like David said, it built upon, and it was they were all interconnected. So you couldn't just jump to Lesson 12 and think, Okay, I'm going to go to the very end because that's where the good stuff is. Like, you really need to start back with module one, because it's you. Module one, you know, starts with changing you and your mindset and getting you ready for what you're about to embark on. And so, the way it was laid out, the fact that it came, you know, the workbook was amazing. I'm definitely a hands-on. So I could listen, do the workbook, come back to the workbook, re-listen to it, and just having everything at your access auditory wise, you know, I could write things. I could also print things. I printed all the extras and laminated the things. So it gave you actual materials to help implement what you're learning, not just in one ear out the other, but here. Here's how you can actually do that, giving us the words to say, the scripts. You know, I'm a speech therapist. I know a lot of things to say, but these scripts, like, I mean the fact that it tells you you can say this when this happens, or you can do this when this happens. Like, those are just things that I've never seen or heard anybody you know, talk about those before either so being able to be told, you know, as a parent like you can say this, you can't, or you could try this, or here's that, or take this mantra, or take this mindset and really try it and implement it, I thought was very unique and very helpful, especially the examples that are even given with the scripts, you know, very, very authentic ability to apply those into a situation.

Danielle Bettmann  46:07  
Yeah, it sounds like you could really sink your teeth into it in a way that was satisfying. 

Heather  46:15  
I love it, fun, included.

Danielle Bettmann  46:16  
And I love parents like you because you are learners, right? You just, need desperately to be told to do this, because you will. The follow-through is there, that you are game. Like, if you know that, you just need to stick to something, and it'll work like, you'll stick to it. You'll trust the process. But there's just this gap and, like, dark hole of, like, I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to be doing instead right now. So of course, that helplessness takes over, that overwhelm kicks in, and then your your back is against the wall, and you find yourself using those default, more desperate measures when you know that's not what you want to do, and you know exactly what you don't want to be doing, but what to do instead is just coming up, right? So you need this is what it looks like. This is what you're missing. This is an example of it. This is what's going on in their head. This is what can be a better thing to go in your head and have that comprehensive foundation.

Heather  47:16  
Yes, it's just perfect. It's perfection. 

Danielle Bettmann  47:19  
Good. David, what did you appreciate? 

David  47:23  
There was a lot. But I know one thing that really stuck out to me, kind of right off the bat, was just basically a child wanting to kind of feel in control. And it's not necessarily just being the boss, but you had shared at one point, imagine, like if you woke up and you had no idea what you're going to do today, like, what the whole day was going to entail. Like, you had no idea what was coming. How does that make you feel? I think for a lot of us, anxiety, right? So sometimes we just pass over that with kids, like, oh, they're kids, and we maybe don't always treat them like humans.

Danielle Bettmann  48:03  
Or give them enough credit. 

David  48:04  
Right. That's a better way to put that. yes, but yeah, I've definitely tried to get a lot better with that. But even, you know, it was cute last night, I was putting my youngest down to bed, and we were climbing into bed, and she was like, Daddy, do I have daycare tomorrow? And, you know, usually, I try to but get even sensing too that I've gotten in a better habit of doing that, but then I've forgotten now she'll she just knows to ask, or maybe before they don't because sometimes you don't know what you don't know. Like, I don't like that phrase, but as a kid, they don't always know how to articulate things or to ask, like, what are we doing today? And so that's just that feeling of control, or like, basically giving kids more control is, I think, something different than, you know, and trying to find ways to meet that control is something very different with your courses that I think has really worked well. And another thing Heather touched on this, but just the empathy piece, I know I'm more of a thinker versus feeling. And so just some of that empathy. Heather mentioned this too, but I love this quote. But they aren't giving me a hard time. They are having a hard time. It's not personal. So trying to think, instead of always just thinking you need to get in the car because I told you or whatever, like, what message are they trying to send us? And then just trying to understand the child's perspective and asking yourself,  how can I help my kids feel a sense of belonging and to feel understood? Because, back to another kind of core human need, but something that we maybe don't always notice if we're just bossing our kids around all the time. You know, even as us as adults, that was something too that was mentioned, like, if we were bossed around all day again, how does that make us feel? And it could make us feel a lot of different ways. But one thing it doesn't make any of us feel is good, and so that is kind of like, what me and Heather found with our kids. So again, really trying to come from more of that empathy and feeling place in terms. Trying to put yourself in their shoes.

Danielle Bettmann  50:02  
Yeah, which is not easy, because that really requires stepping back and kind of slowing down and challenging, maybe that initial reaction or way that you were interpreting things that you didn't even really consciously put there, you know like it was just the conditioning of a lot of the ways that you were parented, or just how you've seen others parent or like, are views as a society of kids in general. And like, there's a lot of, I think, unlearning before you can even learn and then teach, and you're trying to do it all at once. 

Heather  50:34  
Yeah, it is a lot. The unlearning is real, taking out the things that have been in your brain since you were practically born. Unlearning that is hard. I'm not going to say that it's not going to still be there like that's kind of your natural reaction or your natural instinct, but when you know better, you do better. And so now we know better. So when I fall back into those old habits I know better than that, let me recoup. Let me get back to where I was, let me go back into Danielle. What was she telling me to do in these moments? So now I have something to help me when I need help when my child needs help. 

Danielle Bettmann  51:11  
Yes, you need that realistic expectation, because it's not just a night and day black and white, you know, overnight fix and then you're good and you master parenting and patience for the rest of their childhood. That is not what happens. So knowing that now, I mean, the listener might be hearing those last few things you were saying and be like, whoa. That sounds real woo, woo. Now I bet their kids kind of run the house and they don't. They've just avoided the tantrums because they don't, you know, ask them to do anything. So what does life look like at your house now? What shifts have you made? What has really paid off? And you know what kind and firm parenting looks like?

Heather  51:55  
Wonderful question. It's something I'm still working on today. Sometimes I'm too kind, and sometimes I'm too firm, but finding that happy middle ground is something that I consciously have to work on. Consciously have to alter my language to meet their need and help myself stay regulated so they can help regulate themselves. But I would say we definitely haven't avoided every single tantrum. They are much, much, much more miniscule. I think we ended with like, one to two a week with our oldest as far as the tantrum goes. And I think I lose my patience maybe once or twice a week too with them. But sometimes it's not even about them.

Danielle Bettmann  52:37  
Let's not breeze over that. That's like everyone's unattainable goal, right?

Heather  52:41  
Right? I mean, it's amazing. And those tantrums that she does have, they're very predictable. They're very, oh, I know this is going to start one. So sometimes you can front load, sometimes you can take the things we learned from the class to maybe even lessen them or shorten the duration, or help her through them quicker. So everything we've learned there. So the tantrums are still there, and I wish they were not. They probably wish they were running around the house, uh, ruling the roost, right? But I think it's turned in from a like a dictatorship to, like you've mentioned, like a cooperative feel between mom and I, or dad and I are, you know, the family as a whole of we're cooperating now because the relationship is a little more established. One of my absolute favorite things you said in the course was the strength of my connection determines the level of influence I have with my kids. I would listen to that over and over and over and over, because it's right, if I'm just going to be barking orders, what kind of connection is that? None. That's just dictatorship telling you what to do. So growing in the connection the kind and firm of I'm going to be kind because I love you and you deserve the respect you deserve. However, this is the boundary we still have to stick to. So I'm also going to be firm in this, showing them that I can be more patient, but I can also stick to what I told you, and not so much of you're going to do it when I say it, how I say it, but you have a little bit of a choice in the matter. Another thing you mentioned is the what's not negotiable, the how is - that is wonderful for her. I mean, she loves that. That gives her that, David said, that little bit of control. And that is like a wildfire for her. I mean, it just grows and grows and grows inside of her. So it's turned in from basically us saying you need to do this, you will do this, or else, to a, hey, we need to get this done. How can we do this best? Should we do this, this and this, or this, this and this, you know? And giving her that choice of, okay, you know, you need to do it. It's gotta get done. You're not probably going to like it, but you can have a little bit of say in how it is done. And again, just the respect of her, like, we're not going to want to be barked orders out all day by our boss, right? So your analogy of the boss was perfection also. So I think it just came down to building the connection with her and us as a unit, and then her. Therefore the cooperation has become better.

David  55:11  
I'll throw it out real quick too. Instead of just traditional discipline, it's more of positive discipline. But I definitely don't think we're pushovers, essentially something from every conflict's a problem to solve together, focus on solutions, and again, where we're sometimes incorporating them in that. And so it just seems like it's a lot more cooperative, especially with our oldest now on everything. So again, I do love that you know, again, for everybody listening to every conflict is, you know, a problem to solve together and focus on the solution.

Heather  55:44  
Together. The key word there.

Danielle Bettmann  55:48  
You guys are dropping the truth bombs. I love it. Yeah, people are like writing this down as you're talking. And we'll let's just double down on that. Like, what other big kind of takeaways stick with you now that it's been another, like, month or two since, you know, we've been working together. Anything else that rises to the surface? 

David  56:07  
Well, one, this is going to shift gears a little bit, but something I love too, and something I wasn't very good at. And just, I guess, to give a little quick context, when we went back in time, you had asked even earlier in this conversation what things looked like beforehand. You know, I said basically there are, you know, it's not all bad with the kids. I mean, there were a lot of struggles and frustrations, but one thing I've definitely tried to get a lot better at is focusing on the good moment, so just stopping again, if it's dinner time and somebody tells a funny story, or the kids are laughing together, playing well together, or, I mean, just pausing, saying, this is a good moment, because I think for anybody, there's a lot more of those than you realize, and I'm not very good at this normally, but I've really tried to slow down and try to focus at least a few times a day on something with the kids, where, you know, even if it's putting a kid to bed and you're snuggling, whatever it is, but there really is a lot of moments, and those are kind of something we haven't really talked a lot about today in our conversation. But again, the mindset, your individual mindset, I know mine probably, and Heather's each needed a little bit of work, and also, this course, can kind of dive into some of your mindset. And that was one big thing for me is, instead of it just always feeling stressful and for the most part, not fun again, even if you're still in that mindset again, if you just try to focus on some of those good moments, they're there. They're not always easy to see, but there's a lot more of them than I think anybody would realize. So that was one just kind of big thing I definitely wanted to touch on.

Danielle Bettmann  57:41  
That's a great, great add, because it's not easy and feels almost like a privilege you can't afford when things are just, you know, flying fast and hard at your pace, and you know, we got to put out the next fire, but your brain is either helping or hurting, right? Your mindset is there to pour gasoline on a fire or to put out the flames, and it's really a huge, underrated part of parenting that very little addresses, but once you go deeper and really kind of reroute that narrative as a whole, it makes it so much easier to find your tool or respond or not be bothered, or find the positive. And you know, the advice that maybe you heard before that didn't seem feasible becomes possible when you have that prerequisite. But very rarely do we get the chance in life to really, you know, find what that is and be able to give ourselves that investment in that whole mindset shift that it requires, and that's a huge part of the course, is trying to train your brain every week, no matter what questions you have and how many fires you had to put out this week. What worked? What was your win? And you know, that's for a reason, because you need that practice to build that muscle and make it stronger and stronger. I'm glad you really added that. Heather, anything else to add for takeaways?

Heather  59:06  
Another mantra that I had written down was they're doing the best they can with what they have. And I think my mindset prior to the course was she knows better. She's doing this because, or she's trying to, and, like, the manipulation piece of it, where she's just trying to manipulate me, or she's trying to argue, she just wants all the negative things you tell yourself. So again, back to the mindset, but now knowing like, okay, I'm struggling with parenting, and I am trying to do the best I can with what I have. I just didn't have what I needed. Also, she's five. She's been on this earth for five years. She doesn't know how to act. You can't expect children to just know right from wrong. You can't expect them to know what disrespect is, and I mean all these things like we're trying to instill it, but at the same time, I'm the one yelling at you, so of course, you're going to yell back at me, you know, but I think again, mindset shift of she may not know how to handle that problem, so I'm going to help her through that problem, so now she can do that next time on the playground or when I'm not around. So modeling that for her was knowing that the way I'm handling a situation might be the way she handled the situation when I'm not around. Am I okay with how she does it, or am I not okay with how she does it? So modeling that also helped okay, I want to help her solve problems the right way, not the wrong way. And if she's going to do it the way I'm doing it, I'm definitely not going to be proud of that. So that's convicting.

Danielle Bettmann  1:00:30  
Yeah, I love when you really are able to kind of put yourself in their shoes in a way that just gives more appreciation for the true length of the struggle, and that it's not just their intentions. And if they had better intentions, they would have better behavior. Because when you turn that around, well, then you know you shouldn't be yelling right at all. You know you shouldn't be struggling as a parent at all if you had good intentions. So why are you yelling on purpose and making your kids miserable right now? Like, all it takes is that little bit of turning around and you're like, oh, maybe there is more to the story that I'm not recognizing. It's so empowering when you're able to actually grasp the full picture of the problem, because then it's like, all right, I can get to work with that. There's something I can do about that helps. Okay, anything else that you would turn around and either tell the parent that you were a couple of months ago that they really needed to hear or tell a listener who is drowning right now, something that you desperately want them to know?

Heather  1:01:47  
I would say, listen to the Master Class. Take the plunge. Do it, you know, in the pretending that that's not happening, I would say, give your child more grace. Give yourself a little bit of grace too, and get comfortable with empathy, get comfortable with apologizing, and get comfortable being silly, because that was a big one, too. And then try to be consciously aware of the negative stories you're telling yourself and if they're really true or not, and then find a community that can be supportive when you need it because it's hard. Parenting is hard. 

David  1:02:30  
I think that was well said. I would echo all of that, and I know I just tag on to with what Heather said, too. I think another one,  just that diffuse with playfulness, essentially, is a great kind of tool to have in your tool belt, as well as there can be a lot of opportunities for that. Again, not every time is the right time for that, but that's one that can certainly help and sometimes get a really positive reaction and turn something that I think for us maybe would have used to turn into a meltdown into now, instead our daughters laughing, our daughters are laughing, that's kind of another good one. But yeah, just I thought Heather summed up all of that really well.

Danielle Bettmann  1:03:11  
Good, good. The main thing I want to circle back to really quick is the difference between how you're parenting before and how things feel now, what is like either a recent win that kind of encapsulates the difference in what's possible now, using some of your tools, or, you know, how does parenting feel and when you think about the long run, or what is like the biggest goal you came in that you did feel like you accomplished. 

Heather  1:03:42  
You know, I have a habit that, you know, before we started the class, parenting felt defeating, frustrating, and impossible, so no, no positive feelings about parenting when we first joined, and then, you know, now it's more empowering. It's more it's more of a blessing. It's something I don't dread doing every single day. So my feelings towards parenting have changed completely. And I would say something that I feel like I've gotten a lot better at is the front loading. So knowing when I know she's gonna struggle, I can front load and help prepare her for that, giving her a more sense of control with the how to, what we need to do, but also just stopping and listening more, and not just imposing my thoughts and my demands on her, but just listening, even if what she's about to say I totally disagree with, I wouldn't have handled it that way, or even If I think it's wrong like I just listen, just be in the moment of her emotions. Don't try to fix them. Don't try to coach her through it right now. Just be with her. Just be her mama and help her understand that she can make better choices. And I'm here to help her do that. I'm not here to punish and help grow that relationship between her and me. So I feel like our relationship, was pretty close before, but for a different reason, and now I feel like our relationship is much more of a positive relationship, one that she can feel, that she can ask me some hard questions, a hard question of a five-year-old, but, you know, or she can be honest with me with something she felt like maybe she couldn't be honest with me about before without fear of ridicule or fear of punishment. That's huge.

David  1:05:30  
I think I just tagged on too, back to even that tantrum piece, but again, just better listening. Again, going back to what I mentioned before, I'm more of a thinker versus feeling so that's been a little bit of a challenge or a mindset shift, but really, like Heather said, just listening and not then interjecting your thoughts of like, maybe even how to do, because sometimes, again, as a parent, you feel like you always have to coach, but you do learn that there are some situations that what they're saying really isn't logical, but they don't need you to try to tell or, you know, disagree with them, you don't really even have to say much, but just be quiet and listen and let them feel heard or understood, I guess a different sense of like, I get that feeling or, yeah, I bet that's frustrating. So don't always have to, for lack of a better word, impose your will on them, that sometimes, like all of us, we just want to be heard and felt and listened to and understood.

Heather  1:06:29  
I'll add one more thing, I feel like I've gotten better with knowing what to do in the midst of an explosion, whereas before, I mean, I'm lost, she's lost. We're all just lost in this awfulness together. Now, I can predict when they're coming. But number two, when we're in the thick of it, I know what I need to do. I know what I need to help her need to do. And I feel more empowered through a tantrum versus fearful of, oh, what's this going to turn into, or oh, who's going to see this, or oh, what's she going to do? So I definitely feel more empowered of being able to know what to do in the midst of a big explosion or a tantrum. 

Danielle Bettmann  1:07:04  
Oh, that's the best. 

Heather  1:07:05  
Yeah, it is.

Danielle Bettmann  1:07:06  
Yeah, because we know it's not going to be cupcakes, rainbows, butterflies every single day. We understand that perfection is not attainable. We get that they are going to be kids and there's a range of developmentally appropriate struggles and challenges. So it's always just hard to then say, but where's the line, and what can get better, and what should get better, and what does that look like if parenting feels impossible? So for you to kind of just illustrate with reasonable expectations, this is how it feels now. This is how it feels different, and this is what I'm able to do now, and the feeling of being empowered, I think, is every parent's goal, because we know it's going to be hard. We know that we're it's going to take a lot of energy, but we'd rather know that it's going to be productive and effective and make a difference. And that impact is we have our due diligence right, like we're doing our job, and it's going to pay off, and we can trust the process, rather than feeling like we're just coming up empty on Groundhog Day number 300 and you know, what is it all for? So it's all that shift in how you see it and how it feels, and that's why I have you kind of track those things so rigidly, but it's for a reason, and I would love for a listener that made it this far, it's for a reason. They probably need to go watch the Master Class after. 

Heather  1:08:29  
Yes, they do, with your husband if you can get him.

Danielle Bettmann  1:08:33  
Yes, yes. A huge component of this, of like, not only if being effective, but you have the support you need to actually implement it at home with that level of understanding.

Heather  1:08:47  
Yeah, it would have been impossible without David and I doing it together, absolutely impossible, because he would have been like, why are you doing this? Stop it. That's not how we'd handle this, or what in the world is going on, you know, it would have it would have caused more of a problem between him and me in the lack of communication. So I definitely would say, have your partner watch and listen and partake in all the courses and all the modules and all the calls and everything.

David  1:09:13  
Yeah, I'd say one thing, just to add, really quick too, is it just feels like there's so many more tools in our tool belt now, just from the sense of, like Heather said, empowering. But before again, we were kind of wits in banging our heads against the wall. But now, again, as we said, it's not always all rainbows and sunshine, but when it's not, it just isn't as deflating. Like it's almost, I don't want to say energizing, but to think like, hey, well, think about the different tools in your tool belt, like, oh, have tried this or that? Like, if something goes wrong, instead of just feeling helpless and like, I've lost, you know, now it's kind of like, well, wait, what other solutions? Or what could I have done differently? Or, do you know what this is? I bet this will work. I'll try this next time, so it is just a little uplifting. Or, I'm trying to think of the right word, but uplifting or a little energizing, where before it just always felt like deflating, or a balloon popped, and now it's kind of like, hey, I've got, like, confidence might be a good word actually, like, just hey, it didn't work out this time, but I'm gonna figure it out. You know, I'm gonna go find the right tool in the tool belt. We're gonna get this resolved. There's just a lot more hope.

Danielle Bettmann  1:10:22  
Yeah, the hope, the optimism, the confidence and just feeling like there's something you can do. It's the antithesis of what it felt like before, of helpless, overwhelmed, hopeless, losing, losing, losing, the battle us versus our kids, somebody's got to win, somebody's got to lose. That is really the work and that's what you've made possible over the last few months by diving full in and investing so much of your time and doing it together, you were able to make that that turnaround really quite quick for you know how long it took you to get to that place, right? Yeah, this is amazing. I'm so proud of you, and you should be so proud of yourselves, and we're so grateful again for you to be able to be willing to kind of be an open book and admit those things that are hard to admit so that another family can find themselves in your story and relate at that level where they find hope that you know, hadn't been there before. Maybe there's something else that can help and let me, you know, dig into it to see if it's the right fit for our family that's really exciting for them. 

Heather  1:11:29  
Yes, you and your class were a blessing that we needed more than we knew we needed. So thank you.

Danielle Bettmann  1:11:36  
No, you added so much to the group while you were in it, and contributed so many great questions, and, you know, feedback to supporting other families. And I just knew I could count on you showing up to almost every single call. It's hard for every family to do just objectively, right? But then it also just makes such a difference, because what you put into it, you get out of it. And you know, yes, you invest in it financially, but for the most part, you really have to be invested in trusting your coach, trusting the process, and opening yourself up to the group. And you dove in with two feet, four feet.

Heather  1:12:15  
All of the feet.

Danielle Bettmann  1:12:18  
And that's what paid off. That's what made it possible. Yes, you know the structure and the tools and things you know helped along the way and were the right fit for you, but your kids are truly so lucky to have you have taken it that seriously and gone to that level of commitment and investment. So again, I really want you to give yourselves that credit as well. 

Heather  1:12:37  
Sure, thank you. 

David  1:12:38  
Yeah, we appreciate it. 

Danielle Bettmann  1:12:39  
So to sum up, the last question I ask every guest is, how are you the parents your kids need? How would you answer that?

Heather  1:12:46  
Now, I would say I am the parent my girls need, because I feel like I have a sixth sense with them now of their needs, and I can read them better. I know them better than anyone else, and I can give them what they need better than anyone else, and I feel like I'm the mom they need because I have been there. I've done that. I have been a little girl myself. So I just feel like I've connected with them on a much deeper level now so that we get each other a lot better now. 

Danielle Bettmann  1:13:01  
That's so cool.

David  1:13:23  
I would echo that too. I feel like I understand their perspective better, and listen to them better, instead of trying to jump to conclusions and just try to put myself in their shoes and hear them out. So again, I feel like just that empathy piece is a lot more prevalent now than it was before. Back to that whole thinking versus feeling, that I've really come a long way, I think, in the feeling piece and just helping them again feel heard, understood, loved, etc, even just back to the control thing too, of trying to give them more control, and in cases, we can just try to fill that need, because I think both of them probably have an above average desire in that area as well. But again, I think all of that really helped them.

Danielle Bettmann  1:14:12  
Yes, they're so lucky, and that's what you described. What you both described is like a new way of being that's just permanent now, like, that's how you see things, that's how you react, that's how you read the room, that's how you relate, that's how you connect. And that, I think, is, is so the goal, because it's not a quick fix, a short term, you know, sticker chart, a like thing that really addresses that one behavior, and then new curveball comes next week. It's a completely fundamental shift, and that's what makes it so possible to do tomorrow and six months from now. And like, you know, six years from now, you've done the work, and now you just get to kind of have that short-term investment pay off in the long run, which is so exciting to look forward to and not dread, so yay. Thank you guys again and I'll let you go get back to your day jobs. Thank you so much for being here and for sharing all that perspective. So appreciated.

Heather  1:15:17  
Yeah. Well, thank you for having us, and thank you for your course and all of your honesty when coaching and everything else you've given us through the last few months.

David  1:15:25  
it was our pleasure. Thanks, Danielle,

Danielle Bettmann  1:15:33  
Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Failing Motherhood. Your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now share it in your Instagram stories and tag me. If you love the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help more moms know they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood on a daily basis, and if you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong willed child, and invest in the support you need to make it happen - schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you and I'm cheering you on.