Intentionally Indulge

What do bad mornings, clingy birthday parties, fighting playdates and candy on the way home from school all have in common?

Instead of doubling down to invite the meltdown or giving in to avoid it… there’s a better way!

These are all situations where you, as the parent, can intentionally indulge.  Tune in to learn how.

IN THIS EPISODE I SHARED:

• Ways to shift from being reactive to proactive, getting one step ahead of your child
• Why “intentionally indulging” works so well
• How to compromise to get more cooperation in the long run

DON'T MISS:

• A practical way to help your “slow to warm up” child be successful at a chaotic birthday party

// MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE //
Follow me on TikTok for “Advice Column Answers” - @‌thatparentcoach

// CONNECT WITH DANIELLE //
Website: parentingwholeheartedly.com
IG: @‌parent_wholeheartedly
APPLY: parentingwholeheartedly.com/apply

Transcript

Danielle Bettmann  0:04  
Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood, I mean. Have too much anxiety and not enough patience? Too much yelling, not enough play? There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right, but this is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you, you feel like you're screwing everything up, and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud. This podcast is for you.

Danielle Bettmann  0:38  
This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann, and each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real, showing her insecurities, fears, failures and wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you that you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough, and you're not alone. I hope you pop in your earbuds, somehow sneak away, and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend, we're so glad you're here.

Danielle Bettmann  1:14  
Hey, it's Danielle. I am so glad you're here today, we are going to talk about one of the things that has come up in a lot of client coaching calls lately, and it's something that I love breaking down and talking about in a million different examples, because it's a principle that you can apply in a lot of different parenting circumstances. And I love when it feels like your parenting toolkit is versatile and diverse and adaptable and flexible, and you're feeling like you can turn on a swivel and pivot and have your best improv skills practiced so that you're never caught panicking, and your back's against the wall and you're helpless and you're overwhelmed, and then you understandably resort to desperate measures as a parent. But before we talk about that, I just want to connect with you on a personal level. I really hope that things are warmer wherever you are. Over the last week here in Nebraska, it has been absolutely frigid. We had school called off for three days after President's Day was already off, and then the week before that, my whole family was sick. I'm sure you heard it in my voice a couple weeks back. They were out for several days, and it has felt like we can't get momentum yet this year, like January was forever, and now February went really fast, but I haven't had a full week of work at all yet this year and this week, we have conferences, so my kids are off the next two days, and just feels like it's one thing after another. So I hope that you are staying sane, staying warm. I hope that this podcast is finding you in a moment where you get to go for a walk by yourself, and the sun is shining and everything feels better when the sun is shining, and I have been able to tap into that this week, and that feels really good. There are so many things that affect your ability to parent and your capacity, and a lot of that is your circumstances that you can't control. So to feel empowered, we have to take control of the things that we do. So one of those things is being able to know what to do, when and why, so that we can be more convicted, and that can help us find more confidence. 

Danielle Bettmann  3:30  
So diving into our skill for the day. This principle is shared within my client portal under an audio series called The Code of Cooperation, and it's called Intentionally Indulging. That is the name of this tool that I have come up with. Intentionally indulging is the concept that you should say yes with an asterisk, put a box around the behavior and make it your idea, rather than raising the bar too high, expecting too much, and then inevitably, your child is not able to meet that boundary. They're unsuccessful. And then you are kind of pinned against the wall, and you have to either double down or give in completely. And that ends up offering negative attention and essentially what they wanted, reinforcing the dragging their feet resistance and the demand avoidance and the whining and complaining or whatever ended up happening. It shows them that they worked, and when they get attention and control, that's what they're going to keep doing, because they're smart kids. 

Danielle Bettmann  4:47  
So if you end up saying something that you're not able to follow through on, or you say something that they are going to be unsuccessful with, and then you end up doing it for them, or you end up going back on what you said, you're showing them that they can change your mind. And you want to be able to feel like you can change your mind as a parent at any point, you can take in new information and you can make a new decision, but you want to be able to have the agency and the independence to do that with your own brain and feel like you're a team with them, not feeling like you are at the mercy of their whims and their demands and their moods dictating yours as a result, and there's a direct correlation between them controlling you, and it shouldn't always be the opposite, but it should be at least equal.

Danielle Bettmann  5:49  
So the idea of intentionally indulging is being proactive, rather than reactive, getting one step ahead of them and being able to offer yes with an asterisk that allows for a certain behavior in a small amount, in a regulated amount, so that they can be successful. You can be successful in providing that boundary. You can feel like a team, and then you can always raise the bar, because the alternative does a disservice long term, and we want to think big picture and be smart and feel like we're being strategic. So a couple of examples of how you would go about that. Let's say your child is having a really hard time getting out of bed in the morning and getting going and getting dressed and doing all the things they need to do, and they are not morning people. Shocker to no one, strong-willed kids are not morning people, typically, so they are going to have a hard time. They're going to be slow to warm up to the idea of life in general, let alone being slow to warm up to a million other circumstances. But when they are slow to warm up to the day, you can intentionally indulge that behavior by saying, hey, you know what? I've been noticing. I've been having a problem with getting up and getting going in the mornings. I'm going to come in and I'm going to set a snooze alarm. During that snooze alarm, you can do whatever you need to do. You can stay lying in your bed and snuggling. You can read. You can turn on your lamp and play with your stuffies. You can, you know, play with me if that's an option that you wanted to provide. And then as soon as that timer goes off, the snooze alarm goes off, then it's time to start doing our morning routine. Now, would you rather that snooze alarm be five minutes or 10 minutes?

Danielle Bettmann  7:47  
So that intentionally indulging can save you time in the long run, because you are already preemptively expecting that they're going to have a hard time planning for it and offering some control to them within that plan, and then you're clearly communicating as their leader and being able to be calm throughout it. And it is a win-win across the board.

Danielle Bettmann  8:18  
So that's one example. Another might be you're gonna have their cousins over to play at your house, so you're hosting a play date, and typically, your child has a really hard time sharing their most beloved toys with their cousins, and it becomes a big issue. That could be the bike they got last week, or that could be the wrapper that they've stuck into their coat they took home from the gas station yesterday, right? Who knows what's beloved today? Well, the way that you intentionally indulge that is to say, Hey, I know that you're having a hard time sharing with your cousins. They are coming over later today, at one o'clock before they come over, You and I, we're gonna walk around the house and we're gonna find the five things that you do not want to have to share with them today, and we're gonna pick those up, and we're gonna set those up at the top of the closet so that it's a non issue today. And then the understanding is, when they come over, then the other toys that are left in the playroom or the basement or the living room, those toys are under the expectation that you're able to take turns. So what toys do you not want to have to take turns with today? And then you set those five things aside.

Danielle Bettmann  9:40  
So again, what that does is it makes it so that they have some control. They can get ahead and understand that everything else is fair game, and it just sets you up for so much more success. You ask them to take turns with the toys that remain, rather than them panicking and freaking out over something that they didn't realize was out or this like beloved levy that ends up getting in the wrong hands, and then you're already on your back foot trying to manage that moment with them.

Danielle Bettmann  10:18  
Another example might be that you walk home from school, and every day when you walk home from school, you walk past a gas station or a vendor, and every day, they beg and beg and beg to be able to get a sweet treat. And frankly, you don't want them to be getting this sweet treat all the time, but they're constantly whining for it, and some days you just don't have the patience to handle the meltdown, so you end up getting it for them. Well, that really does a disservice to you, because now it's showing them that there is a lottery system of reinforcement. And sometimes, if I whine loud enough or long enough, then I can change Mom's mind, and I can get candy that day, that is only inviting more of that negative control seeking behavior. So, what it is better for you to do is to get one step ahead and intentionally indulge that and say, hey, I know this candy really means a lot to you, and you love it, and we walk past it from school every single day, and it's really hard to resist. So I'm going to make a plan with you that one day every week, candy will be a yes, where you will know, and I will know that it is a yes to that sweet treat day. So what day of the week would you rather it be? Mondays or Wednesdays? And you agree together that it might be every Wednesday is a get candy after school day. Maybe it's still a little bit more than you would want it to be frequency wise, but it'll make it so much easier for to take the mental load off of your shoulders of deciding whether or not you're going to say yes to candy that day, they feel like the answer is so much more concrete. They can wrap their mind around it. It makes sense to them. It feels understandable that are going to be able to allow them to let go of a lot of that control seeking behavior that they were doing to try to make that demand of you, and then it's a win-win. You're now set up for so much more success.

Danielle Bettmann  12:30  
Few more examples. Let's say you're taking them to a birthday party, and typically, when they get to the play place, it is really kind of overstimulating. There are a lot of kids running around. They don't know all of the kids. It's loud. They are slow to warm up, and in the past, they have been really clinging to you, holding onto your leg, and you can't shake them off. And it just feels like if you don't insist that they go play, they're just gonna, like, hang out with you the whole time, and you end up arguing, or they end up melting down. You end up leaving early. It's super mortifying as a parent, and it's a lose, lose. What would it look like to intentionally indulge this slow to warm up, understandable behavior that you don't want to make just a limitless, permissive. You know no boundary to this behavior. You want to be kind and firm and help them find the skills to be successful at this play date, even if they're a little bit nervous and a little bit overwhelmed and a little bit scared. Your job is to help them be successful and to find ways to help them feel comfortable and thrive and be okay when things are not entirely okay, and help them be resilient, right? So just allowing them to cling the entire play date or forcing the meltdown and then leaving that is not meeting those goals, right? So to intentionally indulge that behavior, you would say, okay, hey, we're going to this play date later. Here's what you can expect. Here's what I need to see. And based on last week's play date, or based on because I know who you are, I know sometimes you're slow to warm up, and it can be a little bit overwhelming and you have a hard time joining in with your friends initially. So when we first get to this birthday party, we're going to say hi to your friend, tell them thanks for the invite, happy birthday. And then you can feel free to sit with me on the bench and just watch your friends. And we're going to set a timer, and then when that timer goes off, then it will be time to find something to play. Now would you rather that timer be seven minutes or 10 minutes? And they'll always choose the longer one, but that gives them power. That's great. So they're working with you, so then you've now equipped and empowered them to work with you and to be on the same page that when that timer goes off, it's time to then join in and find something to do. And then you offer them a choice. Okay, would you like me to walk with you? Would you like to go by yourself? Would you like to start on the trampoline? Or would you like to go find your friends over here? And because you gave them that runway of 10 minutes where it was a non-negotiable, non-issue, you are not dragging them, nagging them, reminding them to get going, and they could just chill out for a second, acclimate and calibrate. They're going to be much more likely to be successful at that birthday party, to engage never. It's never a foolproof, 100% guarantee, because they're allowed to be human, but you're putting a lot more cards in your favor.

Danielle Bettmann  15:52  
Now I have many more examples of what this has looked like as we've applied this to other client circumstances, but I am going to wrap up and drive home the takeaways that I hope for you to get from this tool. Now, you want to expect the adversity, because then the behavior is no longer forbidden. There's no longer this big kind of like elusive game that you're playing, or you're picking up the end of the rope and playing tug of war and creating a power struggle out of this boundary. You're dropping that rope, you're coming to their side, and you're saying yes and yes with an asterisk and then that helps you be able to feel like you can build your confidence because you're planning ahead, and that planning is good leadership, because you're clearly communicating the expectations, and you're being able to be one step ahead of the problem. You are also, when you are intentionally indulging, offering control and attention as that child's main motivator for what drives their behavior. So you're empowering your child at the same time,e where it doesn't have to be a I win, they lose, or they win. I lose. You want it to be a win, win, and that's okay sometimes if you have to compromise, because that is smart negotiation. And yes, we do negotiate with strong-willed kids because they negotiate with us, we don't have a choice. Got to get better at it. And then you can, when you successfully intentionally indulge, make it your idea rather than their idea, and then you're lowering the bar so that they can successfully stay within the boundary, so that you are not being permissive, so that you are not rewarding negative behavior. And then you can always raise that bar later. So you can always take it from a 10 minute snooze alarm to five. You can always take it from a 10-minute acclimate at the birthday party to five to one to two. You can always let go of that accommodation that you've made for them as they get older, and you'll know how to be successful with that as you get to know what really sets them up for success. But when you feel like your authority is hinging on them listening, and when they're not listening, they have won and you have lost, then you are set up to fail.

Danielle Bettmann  18:44  
So let's get smarter and more strategic about this. It is okay and actually better, in the long run, to intentionally indulge and allow that yes asterisk and to be there so that you have a win win that builds momentum that allows them to be successful, and that allows you to feel like a team, that gives you a sense of more conviction and confidence in your leadership, and then you can always have that path to more and more independence and accountability on their end, as you're successful with that. 

Danielle Bettmann  19:21  
So I hope that you can find ways to apply this principle. This week, I would love to hear and connect with you if you haven't yet, go to parentingwholeheartedly.com where my free Master Class is there for you to get started on - How to Master the Kind and Firm Approach your strong-willed child needs without crushing their spirit or walking on eggshells. And if you've dove into that and you're not ready to become a client yet, but you might need some advice, I am going to start offering daily advice column type videos on my TikTok page, and I really want to offer solicited advice rather than unsolicited advice. So I am asking people on my email list to send in their questions so that I can start to answer those on TikTok and then be able to speak from more clarification from there. So if you have a question for me that you would love an advice column type answer for, of what to how to manage a certain behavior or what to do with a current conundrum with your strong willed child, I would love for you to find me on TikTok. I am @thatparentcoach, and I will put that link to be able to follow me there in the show notes, stay warm, stay sane. This week, I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on.

Danielle Bettmann  20:51  
Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Failing Motherhood. Your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now and share it in your Instagram stories, and tag me. If you're loving the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help more moms know they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood daily, and if you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong willed child and invest in the support you need to make it happen, schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you and I'm cheering you on.