Silly over Serious

Does it ever feel like your strong-willed child SNAPS and turns into someone else entirely? Like an alter ego took over?

You’re now walking on eggshells trying to diffuse a bomb before it explodes. There are two wires, which one do you cut?

Choose SILLY over SERIOUS.

IN THIS EPISODE I SHARED:

• A situation in college you’d have handled in a similar way
• The ramifications of doubling down on seriousness
• Ways to inform your mindset that boost your patience and compassion

DON'T MISS:

• Several examples of ways to effectively choose the sillier option without letting them “get away with it”

// CONNECT WITH DANIELLE //
Website: parentingwholeheartedly.com
IG: @‌parent_wholeheartedly
APPLY: parentingwholeheartedly.com/apply

Transcript

Danielle Bettmann  0:04  
Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood, I mean. Have too much anxiety and not enough patience? Too much yelling, not enough play? There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right, but this is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you, you feel like you're screwing everything up, and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud - this podcast is for you.

Danielle Bettmann  0:38  
This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann, and each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real, showing her insecurities, her fears, her failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough, and you're not alone. I hope you pop in earbuds, somehow sneak away and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend, we're so glad you're here.

Danielle Bettmann  1:14  
Hey, it's Danielle. I am so glad you're here. Like I just said, I have to say it again, and right now I am recording from my kid's playroom, because in my office on Friday, I had a little bit of an electrical fire. No biggie. It went out.  The power is off in that room. I'm waiting for it to be able to be fixed.  So in the meantime, the sound on this episode might sound a little bit different, and that will be why it's just an FYI. The other thing I really need to talk to you about is this is, I believe episode like 191, so we are counting down the last 10 episodes until episode 200, which is when there will be a pause in the podcast. It is either going to be a permanent pause or not to be determined. But as for right now, episode 200 is going to come out on the five-year anniversary of Failing Motherhood, and I just feel like it felt right that it is momentous enough to be able to celebrate with a big hurrah, and being able to kind of have the podcast sail into the sunset. I've been feeling for a while now that there has been so much that has been said on this podcast and so many amazing guests and so many topics that we have covered, and it just feels like I've dedicated five years to this podcast, and it is a wealth of insight and perspective and vulnerability and truth. And as we come up on this five- year anniversary, hitting the 200th episode, it just feels right to be able to take a break, maybe not ruling it out completely. Never say never that there will be more episodes to come in the future, but for right now, the 200th episode of Failing Motherhood that comes out at the end of May will be the last episode for a while now, as we count down these last 10 episodes, we're gonna end on a high note, right? So in May, I've already recorded an amazing returning guest that I'm really excited to bring back. She was one of the most highly listened to episodes of our whole history. There's also going to be a series that I do in April. I've been really looking forward to planning. And we have Mother's Day. We have so many things to come. So as you listen to these last 10 episodes, nine episodes now, I would really love it if you would join us in celebrating this momentous occasion by leaving a review if you haven't yet, even if you just found the podcast, or if you've been listening for almost five years now, if you have not left a review on Apple podcast or Spotify, just rating it five stars itself is huge. It really just shows how important and valuable the voices have been that have come on this podcast and how much it has spoken to you in your parenting journey. And I would just so appreciate your support through those ratings and reviews, just one or two sentences saying what this podcast has meant to you, that would just be a really, really cool way to be able to sail into the sunset as a podcast. 

Danielle Bettmann  4:49  
Now I am not going anywhere as a parenting coach, my company, Wholeheartedly is still doing the work day in and day out every week.  I'm graduating and enrolling families that I'm working with inside my group program. So that is not going to change at all. Simply the podcast as this passion project itself is kind of coming to a close in the foreseeable future. So now that we've kind of made that announcement, I am excited to talk today about a topic that I went in depth with with a one on one call with a current client on Friday, and when I talk to them about this, I realized that I've talked around this topic in a lot of ways, but not as deep, even in my curriculum content, let alone the podcast. And so I'm going to talk you through the situation that a lot of parents find themselves recognizing but not really having a name to put on it when they recognize that this is happening at their house. And then we're going to talk about how you need to approach it and why and what that looks like. 

Danielle Bettmann  5:58  
Okay, so this family came to me, and they were describing when it feels like their child snaps like in one situation, in one moment, they are dealing with their kid, and then in the next, it's like their eyes glaze over. They're no longer their kid. They are really irrational, emotional, and as soon as they try to talk to them, they either escalate and fly off the handle, or they melt, or they are just like inconsolable, or they're dealing with escalated behaviors and it just feels like mayhem. And they're like, when I try to use the scripts, when he's in that kind of a head space, they don't get through to him at all, and we're just really lost as to why this is happening, and how do we help in this situation. So I kind of label that as when our kids go from Dr Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, it feels like a snap. It feels like it happens in a millisecond, and all of a sudden, you as their parent, because you know them so well, you can recognize that very quickly. And it can be due to a couple different reasons. Maybe they really have a chip on their shoulder that's kind of that kind of got triggered by either sibling jealousy or by feeling not good enough for some reason, or feeling like they're not getting enough contention and control, and then kind of lashing out in retaliation. It could very often be simply related to their body and their nervous system being burnt out, feeling over tired, feeling angry, feeling irritable because they're sick, or, you know, something hurts, or just having all of that kind of culminate into the perfect storm, when whatever just happened was the last straw, and that kind of just pushed them over the edge, and their pressure cooker had to burst. It could also come down to a self esteem thing, and it just being that they know they're having a hard time, and then that defense mechanism just kind of gets triggered, the shame spiral starts and takes over, and then they're kind of lost at sea and just feeling really, really, really bad about themselves because they're so hard on themselves, they can be kind of a perfectionist, and they can have some insecurity that is really easily triggered. And then you know that they know that you know that they know that they've done something wrong, and when they're going to be corrected for it, they just can't handle it. And then what ensues is this state of dysregulation that takes over, and it very much feels like, you know, they're no longer there in their head, and they start to do things that are pushing a boundary, are crossing a line that they know are against the rules or are going to trigger you, or are you know they start to struggle, and this is not because they are consciously choosing to do those things. They have now lost control of their impulse control and their filter, and the way that they've been trying to keep it together, they are now completely lost at sea. They are essentially choosing their behavior in that moment in the same way that you choose to overreact and start yelling when it feels like your back's against the wall and you are feeling really, really helpless and out of control, so when they are completely lost at sea, they're in the state of dysregulation. 

Danielle Bettmann  9:50  
The first thing I recommend is to be able to kind of recognize this as an alter ego state, where the same scripts, the same tools, the same kind of boundaries that you would have in place on a typical day with a typical state of mind are no longer applicable. You need to change course and completely switch up your approach when you recognize that they have now flipped and they are in this Mr. Hyde headspace, so you can come up with a name for that alter ego, kind of a variation of your child's name. And the reason for that is because it helps your brain to be able to switch gears as well. You need to have some sort of an indicator, a little flag that pops up that reminds you what your first instinct is, or what you're going to try to keep doing to be consistent is not going to work. It is now going to backfire. We need to switch gears.

Danielle Bettmann  10:55  
I'm no longer parenting Sally. I'm parenting Suzanne, and Suzanne is my drunk roommate. So the first thing is to recognize that they're in this alter ego state. The second thing is to recognize that you now are walking on eggshells a little bit, you are wanting to be strategic and wanting to navigate moving forward with an even more precise balance of kind and firm. You do not deserve to be their punching bag or their door mat. You do not want to be permissive, just letting them wreak havoc over the house and kind of dictate everyone's moods and create a cascade of new problems just because they're in this head space and they're having a hard time. So you don't just want to be permissive and let them get away with murder, and at the same time, the more you double down and you lecture and you get stern and firm, and you say their name, and you get really short, and the more you get serious, then the more that creates this heightened sense of not only tension, but panic within them. And it just completely sets off a cascading set of explosions, and that sets the tone that they are then going to mirror. And it is, you know, fire meeting fire. It's just only continuing to spread, not the goal. 

Danielle Bettmann  12:39  
Right now, the problem comes when, as a parent, you feel like you have to correct their behavior. You can't not intervene. You can't not let them know that how they're acting isn't okay. So that is why your first instinct is to snap back at them or to tell them 'stop, don't, no', you know, the same type of just shut it down responses in you that come from a place of feeling like you're starting to lose control. Because you know what you do when they're in the state, it tends to backfire, and that makes you panic a little bit, right? So, heighten tensions meet heighten tensions, and now we're walking on eggshells and then it feels like the stakes are higher and higher and higher. Because, you know, if you don't end this, you know, if you don't impact this soon enough, it's going to affect the baby sibling, it's going to affect, you know, the other parent getting really upset there's always more dynamics at play that raise the stakes. So you are recognizing that they're in the alter ego state. You are also recognizing that you need to be kind and firm and find a balance, that if you end up doubling down with too much kindness or too much strictness, it will blow up in your face. So how do you respond? You really, really see them as your old college roommate coming home drunk at 3 am and the reason why that analogy makes so much sense is because they truly are in a state of mind where they are not able to fully choose and understand how they're acting, and they do not have control of their impulse control. They are without thinking doing things that are higher risk for a call for high alarm, but aren't in a head space where you can easily get through to them. And when you are thinking about them as almost being in an inebriated state. It helps you be able to take a step back, have a little bit of compassion for it, and not take it directly personal and jump to the highest levels of panic, thinking this is really what they think is okay right now, because it's not. It's not. They would not be making the same choice. They would not be saying these things at this heightened level, or screaming or saying to you what they're saying, if they really had their wits about them, if they felt better, they would do better. And knowing that and knowing that they're probably going to regret what's happening right now allows you to feel more compassion for seeing them as they're having a hard time, not giving me a hard time, and when you can view them when they're in this alter ego state, and you kind of name that alter ego, and then you recognize them as being your drunk college roommate, then it leads you to the biggest choice you have, which is being extremely strategic, to not only intervene, but intervene in a way where, if you were MacGyver and you're trying to deactivate the bomb that you clip the right wire? Okay, there are two wires. One wire is being serious and one wire is being silly in that moment. So let's say if your college roommate is joking around and kind of starts wielding this knife around and you are panicking because they are not realizing just how close they are to, you know, hitting somebody or why, what their behavior, whatever they're doing, is so dangerous. But if you were to freak out on them, they are going to freak right back out on you. They are going to deflect. They're going to be defensive. It's going to heighten the problems. So to still intervene, but do it more effectively, you're going to be a little bit playful, you're not, you're going to be very careful not to add heightened tension to the situation. And instead, you're gonna be like, hey, whoa, okay, hey, can you? Can you bring that knife right here? I need, I need help cutting this. And you're going to redirect the behavior and kind of funnel it into something more positive and productive as a replacement for what they were just doing, which was wielding it around while they were dancing, and the way that you do that is gonna be much more palatable for the head space that they're in, for the state of mind that they're in. And then once you get a hold of the knife, and then you're able to kind of put it away, then we are like, okay, what do you need right now? Probably some water. Let's go sit down right, and once you're sober, then we can have a conversation about, hey, that was really dangerous. I can't let that happen. It makes me feel safe here and have a serious conversation, roommate to roommate, you cannot have that conversation until they're sober. And essentially, in the same way, when your kiddo flips to this alter ego state, you cannot have a serious conversation until they're sober. And sometimes that is going to look like them needing to get to the point of tears where they can actually feel their more fragile, vulnerable feelings of whatever kind of set them off in the first place. Maybe it was disappointment, frustration, you know, whatever that was, they need to be able to get to that place where they feel safe enough to let that out, and then they're going to be much more receptive to a more serious conversation about how they need to solve the problem they created, or what's the next steps that they have as a choice moving forward. But they are not ready for that until they're sober. 

Danielle Bettmann  19:17  
So in the meantime, you have a choice. Which wire will you cut? Are you going to get serious, or are you going to get silly? And silly? The good and bad news about being silly is that there's no right or wrong way to do that. But what I want to tell you is that you have permission to be goofier than you think with problematic behaviors, not ones that you know they are healthy and in a good head space, and they have no reason to be upset, and then they just kind of lash out. And you know, the way that you would handle Saturday morning, 10 am, you're well rested. They're well rested at that point. That's why we're learning all these scripts. That's why we're learning how to problem solve, that's why we're learning all of these other tools. 

Danielle Bettmann  20:12  
But the whole reason I'm sharing this episode is because it's the exception to the rule. When you recognize that you are in an exception to the rule moment, you have permission to change your behavior and have your response be an exception to the rule, and that is gonna look goofy. That is gonna look like you completely deflect whatever is happening so that you're doing it in a way where you're able to get the knife back, you're able to help them make their body much safer. You're able to help them actually hear what you have to say and feel safe with you, so that we can get to the other side of this bell curve and get them to where you need them to be, but you're doing that in a strategic way where you can maybe even, let's say, they start kind of lashing out at you, and they're doing like cat claws and just kind of like batting at you, right? They just start batting at your knees, because they're kind of falling apart in front of you on the floor, and you're standing in front of them, you could playfully put your hands out and say, oh, get this hand. Get this hand over here. Nope, nope. The other hand, it's over here. Now it's behind you. Can you hit this behind you? Can you hit it? No, now it's in front of you. And make it a game.

Danielle Bettmann  21:33  
And again, that does not mean you are permitting hitting in your home in the same way that you're not permitting that roommate from cutting stuff up when they're drunk, you are recognizing how do I get through to you in the head space you're in? I'm going to do that in a way that makes sure that the message I'm sending subconsciously is I am not scared of you. I am not intimidated by you. I feel so comfortable even through this conflict with you, and I know my love for you is not conditional enough that I am willing to go this extra length to not only understand you, but take some of the shame that you might feel. I know you're going to regret because I know you know better, and I know you know the rules, and I'm going to trust that so much that I know if I playfully get us out of this moment, it does not set a precedent where you now think it's okay to beat up on me or anyone else. 

Danielle Bettmann  22:44  
This is an exception to the rule moment, and if I can play fully, bring you out of it so that we can deal with the actual problem at hand when you sober up. Then that is not only strategically smart, because it's saving me from another 20-30 minute escalation of just absolute belligerent meltdown, where it feels like nothing I do helps. Everything backfires. I can't get through to you. I escalate. I lose my patience. I now regret my behavior, and it becomes like not only was that nothing I'm proud of, but it sets up the same cycle to happen again tomorrow. Not the goal, not the vibe. 

Danielle Bettmann  23:28  
Instead, recognizing they're in this alter ego state, I remember I need to change gears and flip my approach to an exception to the rule, because I'm not parenting my child right now, they are in an altered head space. When they're in that altered head space, I have the choice between getting serious and the bomb going off likely and getting silly and diffusing it and deactivating it, and when I do, I can always have a circle forward conversation when they sober up and help them not feel so hard on themselves that they just spiral in shame. But instead, we feel like a connective energy on the other side, because of how I recognize how much they were struggling, how little control they had, how much I know they're probably going to regret what they're doing and be able to offer that compassion and understanding. 

Danielle Bettmann  24:29  
So just a few more examples of what it looks like to choose a silly route when they're in the state of mind. And again, it's very open ended. There's no true right or wrong. The only framing parameter is that they're able to feel of energetic vibe from you, which is you aren't being sarcastic or cruel or hurtful back to them or getting your anger out on them by how you are trying to be playful, that it is not demeaning, it is not making fun of them in any way. Instead, it is either kind of self-deprecating, right, that you're able to kind of take the blame and then exaggerate it onto yourself.

Danielle Bettmann  25:15  
Instead, you're able to do something that is physical comedy relief. It is something that can make them laugh in that moment. It just adds an element of, like, completely killing the tension with something that is actually very intentional on your end to say, not only am I not going to play this game and hold on to the daggers that you're throwing me, but I'm going to dodge them, and then I'm going to send something back that is so much healthier and more positive. 

Danielle Bettmann  25:52  
So let's say they're, you know, saying something, trying to get their emotions out by saying something that would feel like it would be hurtful to your feelings, like you're the worst mommy ever, and then you were just like, oh, you know what? I have not been a bad mom enough. What if I think I need to feed you, well, if I'm the worst mom in the world, I think I need to feed you like frog legs or something for dinner. I don't know what the worst mom in the world feeds their kids? And then you just try to completely divert the energy from being something where the only option is it's me versus you. We're in a power struggle. It's war, you know, tug of war. You pick up your other end of the rope and pull right back. You're just not engaging with that, and you're coming on their end and being like, yeah, let's play that out. Or like, yeah, okay, yes and, I'm gonna yes and you on that. And you know, I'm gonna talk about how horrible of a mom I am, but not in a mean, sarcastic way. That's like, would the worst mom ever, you know, do this for you and this for you? No, that's not the energy. That's not the vibe. You're not actually using it to like, vent all of your resentment out on them. No. Instead, you are grounding yourself in the certainty that you know and feel that is actually when you are able to act out of their best interest, and you make a lot of intentional choices to be the best parent that you can be for them. So you're gonna give yourself that pep talk of like, I know they don't mean that, and I don't need to take that personally, so therefore I can be so comfortable in this conflict that I can explore this because it's so not true, that it can make us both laugh by how absurd that idea is.

Danielle Bettmann  27:51  
That's the energy, that's the idea. And if you can't feel like that would be possible, because those words are so hurtful to you because they push on a bruise that is a trigger of your insecurity and uncertainty of well, I know I make a lot of mistakes as their parent, and I really don't know what I'm doing, and how can I not take that personally? Because I feel like I'm failing them so often, then we need to have a longer conversation, because that is not helpful. It's your job to heal those bruises so that their little daggers and like pokes don't hurt or only hurt a little bit and not are so devastating that it puts your relationship on the line.

Danielle Bettmann  28:42  
Okay, that's your work. So if you are ready to do that work, you know how to find me. But that's just playing out one example of you know, if it's verbal.  If it's physical, you can turn it into a game where basically your hands are like the little punching mitts and you start redirecting all that energy, and then you can always redirect it into a couch cushion. Instead, you're playing it off where you're like, oh, hey, I see what you're doing. Let's do it over here. Let's do it this way. Let's make it a game. Therefore we're able to ease our way with that silliness back into something serious without setting off your shame trigger in a huge way, that is defeating to both of us, and I know that I'm doing that, and I have permission to do that, and that allows me to continue to feel like I have control of the situation. And that's ultimately the goal when they really get set off into these head spaces is that we don't lose our perceived sense of control over the situation, and when we start to that, we don't make choices that you know only double down out of defending ourselves and out of retaliation.

Danielle Bettmann  29:56  
But that is a skill set that is a set of muscles that strengthen. It gets easier the more you practice it, and most of the time, you don't have enough support to be able to troubleshoot and understand what you're doing right, what you could be doing better, and how to make this work in your relationship with your kid, based on the random situation you found yourself in and got sidelined by yesterday, and you deserve the support that takes it from generalized podcast episodes to very specific prescriptions and individualized feedback, and that is, you know what I do best. 

Danielle Bettmann  30:41  
So, I am going to sum up this episode by saying when you feel like you're trying to defuse a bomb, clip the wire on being silly rather than serious. Even the seriousness of saying their name in a very abrupt, short, loud voice is sometimes all it takes to set them off. And again, it's not that you don't intervene. You're still intervening, but you're intervening in a much more strategic, intentional way that understands what's at stake and where they're where they're at right now, and what's going to be work best, and giving them even the gift of not intervening or letting them take a minute before you respond is sometimes also critical, because they are in such a vulnerable state. But there's so much more I could say on this, and so much I do say week upon week with clients, I just wanted to bring this perspective to the podcast to be able to have even more reminders for some of my graduate families that will be listening to this into the future.

Danielle Bettmann  31:46  
Okay, as we sum up once again, I will give that reminder if you have not checked out my free Master Class,  Calm and Confident - how to master the kind and firm approach your strong, willed child needs without crushing their spirit or walking on eggshells, then that is your necessary next step. Go to parenting wholeheartedly.com/confident, and go watch that with your parenting partner. That way you can identify what type of a strong-willed child parent you each are and how and why what you're currently relying on is not enough and is not working, and what to focus on instead to see the better days you know are inevitable for your family.

Danielle Bettmann  32:32  
Have a great week. Stay safe, stay sane. I will see you next week for another awesome interview, and again, if you have a moment, leave a review, it would be so appreciated.

Danielle Bettmann  32:50  
Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Failing Motherhood. Your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now and share it in your Instagram stories and tag me. If you're loving the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help more moms know they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood daily, and if you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong, willed child and invest in the support you need to make it happen, schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you and I'm cheering you on.